An Inconvenient Woman (1991)

The master of the roman a clef, Dominick Dunne, was not always well-represented via the miniseries.  "People Like Us" is an awful chore, but "The Two Mrs. Grenvilles" is spot-on perfect.

"An Inconvenient Woman" is in the middle.  It has some of the latter's class and the former's trash.  The story, roughly based on Reagan pals Arthur and Betsy Bloomingdale, boasts an extremely impressive cast and the vets have a grand time sinking their dentures into the goo.  They guarantee we will have a great time: Roddy McDowell, Alex Rocco, Elaine Stritch, Jo Bologna.  But, in order to get some serious work done: Jason Robards, Jill Eikenberry, Rebecca DeMornay. 

"When people talk about destiny," narrator Peter Gallagher tells us over the credits, "they usually mean something bad...For Jules Mendelson (the Jason Robards character) it was connected, by circumstance, to a head of yellow hair."  That's the opening line of the whole movie!  Delicious!

The yellow hair belongs to waitress Rebecca DeMornay who serves billionaire Jason Robards.  His way of flirting with her is to tell her to change her name to something that has the ring of waitressness to it, so naturally, she goes with Flo.  Just don't tell Alice Flo once again stole her thunder.

Rebecca's diner is apparently THE in place for the elite to eat, as if the elite eat in diners.  Gossip columnist Roddy McDowell eats there, snapping that Jason's wife Jill Eikenberry, "that bitch," as he calls her, never invites him to her parties.  All of this is told to us via a recording Rebecca has left for writer Peter Gallagher to use in his writing (more on that later).

You see, Rebecca isn't actually a waitress.  Unlike other Flo-named food service representatives, she has aspirations.  "Stardom," Jason wonders, hanging around for another cup of java.  "I'd settle for less.  Second lead in a TV series.  The best friend of the star so the whole show wouldn't rest on my shoulders and when the series gets canceled after 13 weeks, I wouldn't be blamed, I could just go onto other series," she says, her surface white trashiness shining through.

As noted, Jason is married to socialite Jill Eikenberry, 23 years and introduced by the Van Degans (I mention that reference only because Babette Van Degan is a major character in Dunne's "The Two Mrs. Grenvilles," where she was played with miniseries relish by Elizabeth Ashley).  Peter Gallagher narrates to us that they no longer sleep together.  She's frigid and he's old, so that's news?

Jason and Rebecca take their diner flirting to a new level when he offers her a ride in his Bentley.  It's there that he stares at her legs as she's telling him that her mother died in a hospital wing named for him.  Rebecca realizes that means he's married and she's not that kind of girl!

Completing the rich family is Chad Lowe, playing Jill's son from a previous marriage, who is sent with a boatload of cash out of the country to avoid a drug rap (I was hoping it was to get the pony tail chopped  off, but whatever).  Jason doesn't like his stepson, but he does like Rebecca.  He buys her a piece of jewelry, which she gives back to him, telling him to take "it back to the discount counter and shove it."  She really isn't very bright.  Do you think he's ever been to a discount counter?  Even his hired lackey wouldn't be caught dead at a discount counter.  Those are real jewels, you yutz! He doesn't give up on trying to impress her, so he sends her a gorgeous fur that actually matches her moussed hair.  Jason takes her to Paris, but "we stayed at different hotels so no one would suspect."  Paris is just the gift she needs to finally give up the goods and right as they are in the middle of the goods, a fire breaks out in the hotel.  Jason grabs his raincoat and Rebecca her fur...only to be snapped by photographers outside the hotel.

Well, this is TOO juicy for Roddy to resist.  With relish, he calls pal Paxton Whitehead, and then sends Jill the article, in an anonymous envelope.  They are all such good friends!

Rebecca even gets a house of her own where Jason can make love to her and correct her grammar whenever he wants ("samich," she calls the things with meat and cheese between two pieces of bread).  To make him proud, she wants to be "classy and elegant" just like his wife.  She hires a decorator, reads books, wears power suites and "the famous Pookie did my hair." 

So, just who is Peter Gallagher?  He tells us he's something of a shady character, who would have been played by Allan Ladd in the movies (there's a reference folks in 1991 are going to relate to), but his "past isn't mysterious, just dirty."  He shows up at a party to celebrate Jason's appointment as Ambassador to Belgium.  Lucky for us, Peter is seated next to Elaine Stritch (Emmy-nominated for this), who whines, "live by the place card, die by the place card" very loud so that everyone will know she was supposed to have a better seat.  Peter asks the lady on the other side of him who the hell this broad is.  An old friend of Jill's who "had an affair with Jack Kennedy in the Lincoln bedroom."  Why not just ask Elaine?  She would have proudly told that story!  The lovely lady is Chelsea Field, who has read one of Peter's books and belongs to Jill's club of exclusive people who are too rich and famous even to make the newspapers.  They seem to get along--she's a widow and he loves the ladies.  "Looking at her, I just had to cross my legs," he narrates.  Wow, that's class. 

Without the pony tail, but hair still long enough for it, Chad is nabbed at the airport for drugs and he goes to dealer Joseph Bologna for help.  Joe isn't subtle.  He discusses matters with Chad while cleaning a gun.  Joe will help him if he can get a dinner invite to one of Jill's party.  Joe is not the type who would ever be invited, so this will be good!

During the dinner, Peter wanders into a room to admire a Van Gogh where Jill is on the phone with Chad, denying him the money he needs to get out of his current situation.  "We don't see many of the movie people," Jill tells him when he says he's in LA to write a screenplay.  Peter and Chelsea leave the party to have sex.  "There was an innocence somewhere underneath all that money that I found pretty hard to resist," Peter narrates, as if it's her innocence he's after.  He also learns that she's Paxton's niece and that she always wears pearls during sex as a tribute to him, since he wears them under his outfits. 

Paxton himself leaves the party for a gay bar to meet a man named "Lonny Who-the-hell-should-I-know," as his pimp tells him.  He asks cattily if the woman singing is a real woman or a drag queen.  Paxton is particularly unlucky with his trick that night, because he might be the man who shot him to death.  Whoever it is, the killer also kicked Paxton's little dog!  Shooting a rich old man is one thing, but kicking a dog?  When Paxton's body is discovered, the note he's written with the name of the killer is carefully hidden.  Peter is with Chelsea when Jason calls her to with news of Uncle Paxton is dead.  The writer in Peter wants to know how Jason found out before Chelsea, Uncle Paxton's only living relative. 

The next day, Peter is at an AA meeting where he meets Rebecca, who sees that he's reading about Paxton's death, and notes that there is something weird about the whole death.  She has a theory that Paxton left the big party and when to a gay bar. 

The funeral is held at "Our Lady of the Cadillacs because the only poor people are the rich people's maids," Peter tells us, an event color-coordinated by Elaine and held with the approval of Jill, who was Paxton's best friend.  Paxton's gay friends are there and Peter hears a snippet of their gossip, but before he can process that, he hears that the eulogy that Paxton committed suicide, the story that has been invented to keep the truth hidden.  Jason and Rebecca meet at the funeral, much to the interest of Peter and Roddy and Elaine and everyone else.

Peter's director is Alex Rocco, doing a great stereotype as the ridiculous Hollywood director, gaudy, with a toupee and a nice healthy cocaine problem.  He's been through a rough patch lately and needs a hit movie.  Alex's major domo is Jeffrey Alan Chandler, who was at the funeral with the gay guys.  Peter runs the suicide-as-a-fake story by him and Jeffrey gives him some hints.  Paxton's death makes Jason extra horny, "like a prize fighter punching his way to the mat," Rebecca says, which would make most lose their lunch.  That sounds horny and then some!  Of course, Rebecca feeds it by telling him she likes his fat stomach because "there's more of you to love," the kind of thing only a mistress can say without laughing.  Peter and Rebecca meet again at AA and he wants to take her to the gay bar where he thinks something happened.  She says "women are not welcome there...but you better be careful...you'll get swept off your feet." 

The looks on Jason and Jill's faces when Chad tells them are invited to Alex's party and Joe will be there and worse, that they have to go. 

Peter is pretty inept at the gay bar, seeking out the bar's owner, the guy "with hair like Ann Miller," the man who found Lonny for Paxton.  He not only denies knowing Paxton well, but that Paxton never came in that night.  The bartender gives him the hooker's address.  Grant Cramer (Lonny) "make more in an hour" than he can ever dream of, and surprises Grant coming out of the shower.  Buff Grant, sporting a Fabio hairdo, thinks Peter is a client, and isn't thrilled to answer his questions once he finds out he's not.  Peter leaves because Grant's next client, Roddy, bearing cupcakes, arrives.

The next we see of Rebecca, she's backing her car into Jill's.  Jill sneers, "it was only an accident," and remembers she saw Rebecca at Paxton's funeral.  Lucky for Jill, Peter is at Alex's party, where she's not at all happy.  She hates movie people.  Alex thinks there's a "terrific movie" in the whole idea of the European Union, "one big happy family coming together" and then sneezes all over him.  Roddy is there as well, following Jill everywhere she goes.  Finally, Jason and Joe have a private meeting, the whole reason they were invited.  Joe rattles off a list of Jason's past deeds, which are basically a list of every society faux pas of the last few decades (bootlegger's relative, woman falling out of a hotel window, etc.).  He even knows about Rebecca.  That detail causes Jason to ask what the hell Joe really wants.  Joe barely gets Chad's name out when Jill insists on leaving, having had enough of Alex's ridiculous antics.

"I will do anything to keep from losing you," Jason tells Jill, who has put the pieces together about Rebecca.  "I've smelled her on you," she hisses, as if that were the detail that did it.  The newspaper clipping?  The funeral?  A thousand other things, but Jill is only bright when she wants to be.  The threat of divorce lingers over the conversation, so Jill decides to take Chad and go visit her father (who must be 174 years old).  Divorce would mean losing everything, and Jason can't risk it. 

The next time Jason comes to visit Rebecca, he tells her about his life, as a storm rages outside (of course it does).  He tells her about the woman who fell out of the window, all sorts of things he would never have told his wife.  "I had started to fall in love with him," Rebecca coos on tape.  Wait, spilling secrets did that.  It wasn't the fur, the house, the books?  Remember that the next time you're trying to bag a hottie. 

He takes her to dinner, in "the Valley, no one will recognize us."  Over a discussion of Marilyn Monroe's death, she hints that she thinks there is a conspiracy afoot and that pisses off Jason.  That Valley restaurant isn't so secret, because Elaine Stritch shows up, in a fur on crutches.  Jason pretends he's there with his lawyer, but Elaine knows exactly what's going on, making sure that she gets a ton of close-ups so her prune face can brilliantly overact each reaction. 

Infuriated that Jason introduces her as his lawyer's secretary, Rebecca takes a cab to go visit Peter.  "We're in the same jalopy," she says, meaning that they are both outsiders to the powerful people around them.  Well, I assume that's what she means, because she never really explains it before he goes into a rant about his alcoholic mother that adds nothing to the story.  What does is when they start to kiss like heated teens.  A very worried Jason hurries to Rebecca's house and of course doesn't find her, only Paxton's dog, who always hates when Jason stops by (hmmmm, a clue?).  Jason, using all of that fine O'Neill acting he's amassed over the years, one of America's greatest actors ever, loses his mind and trashes the place in a hissy fit worthy of nothing more than a daytime soap opera.  Catching his breath, he notices a blood-stain on a pillow and calls someone to rage that there were supposed to be nothing left of "certain events" (hmmmm, a clue?).

When Rebecca returns, a clearly overcome Jason slaps her to the floor.  "Is that what happened to the girl who fell out the window?" she snaps.  He's now apologetic (or apoplectic, I can't figure it out).  In bed, Rebecca asks to see his house.  "I just want to walk through the rooms...I could be a business meeting," she tells Jason during afterglow.  She has a whole fantasy worked out and they play the game.  In a business suit, Rebecca actually looks like a...well...a mistress in a business suit.  She ain't foolin' anyone, but remember, Jill is with her father and son, so it's safe enough for Rebecca to sneak around.  "I gotta give it to Mrs. M, she was right up there when it came to putting a house together," Rebecca remarks on tape as we see her wandering through the rooms like it's a museum opened for one person's visit.  Guess who calls while Rebecca is dancing through the rooms?  Jill, of course, who knows there is someone there, and thus raises her eyebrow three inches higher. 

Speaking of eyebrows, though thick, not raised, Peter is fired from writing the movie because he's on a list of known associates of Rebecca's and Jason cannot bear that.  As if that's not enough stress, Joe keeps trying to make time with Jason, who puts him off.  Joe makes good on his threats and evidence of past misdeeds is sent to the people who are in charge of making big decisions.  He can't head the Delegation to the This of That in Such a Country.  The only person not pecking at hime is Rebecca, who, and folks, you need to watch this scene twice, dresses up in all black, gloves and all, and does a Marilyn Monroe striptease, down to frilly negligee.  This has to be one of the most unappealing scenes in miniseries history, watching Jason get all hot for Rebecca-as-Marilyn.

The striptease makes me a little queasy, but it gives Jason a big old heart attack.  The EMT who picks him up calls Roddy before the ambulance even leaves!  Of course Rebecca can't ride in the ambulance, so she takes Jason's car, dressed in an overcoat to hide her naughty negligee, and runs over poor Astrid, the dog that had survived Paxton's death.  Wait until you see Rebecca cradling a dead dog in her arms begging it not to die.  It explainsn why the 90s weren't kinder to her.  Limping from a fall, in her outfit, she rushes to the hospital, going through red lights and hospital barriers in his Bentley.  She delivers another hysterically awful crying scene at the hospital, where she pretends to be Jason's daughter in order to get to his room.  Roddy overhears this and a media frenzy is awaiting Jill when she arrives at the hospital.  All Jill does is shoot a withering look at Roddy when he expresses sympathy.  When Jill gets to Jason's room, Rebecca is there.  "I would like to be alone with my husband," she says tartly.  "The plane was hours late.  Father says hello," is the way Jill greets her machine-infused husband.  Not touching, nothing.  It's a hoot!  When Jill finds out Rebecca is passing herself off as her daughter, she has harsh words, so Rebecca, and I can't believe I'm going to write this, has to dress up as a nurse to get to his room!

Now really, no one but Dominick Dunne could have come up with caviar-coated crap like this!  Rebecca, dressed as a nurse, kissing Jason-in-a-coma and telling him about her relationship with her father.  It's yet another irrelevant conversation, but meant to show how much Rebecca loves him.  Jill is so furious about Rebecca's insistent presence at the hospital that she has him brought home, against medical advice, and with a fortune in bills to keep him away from Rebecca.

With Jason not able to make any decisions, he's also not able to pay any of her bills.  She brazenly shows up at Jason's office, but is dismissed by his efficient secretary.  The ringing of the phone causes Rebecca to break into heaving tears, but luckily the maid from next door, who has become Rebecca's friend, knows the guy who shaves Jason every morning and they pass a note to him that way.  Rebecca to maid to barber to Jason.  If only there were text messaging!  They could have burn phones and no one would know.

Ailing, Jason is literally scooped up by a male nurse and deposited at Rebecca's house with his lawyer, Roy Thinnes.  "I wasn't sure you would be friendly," she says when introduced to Roy.  Bubbling innocent charm, Rebecca couldn't be more innocent.  Roy and Jason have drawn up a contract that makes her "an heiress," giving her the house and a monthly allowance.  While Rebecca goes to retrieve a burning soufle, Jason has another heart attack.  Rebecca wants to call the hospital, but Roy nixes that.  "She'll have a fit if she knows he had an attack at this place," Roy cautions.  So, into the Bentley he's put and off to home, where he can safely have a heart attack without his wife pitching a fit.  It's nice to have options.

Jill throws one of her brilliant dinner parties.  Peter is there with Chelsea, with whom he has been fighting.  Jason is not allowed out of bed, but some European prince and Elaine Stritch are there.  The nurse summons Jill from the party, pissed as hell, to tell her "I don't think he has long."  Unmoved, Jill asks to be alone with Jason and then goes into her clipped bitchy mode.  "I'm dyin'...no tears, I see," he says to her.  Jill picks up the phone to call the nurse and hears Roy on the line talking about Rebecca, but there's a bigger secret Jason has to share with Jill: it was her son Chad who killed Paxton because he needed money and his family wouldn't give it to him.  He has the proof in his safe, the note in Paxton's blood.  "You did this for me," Jill says, finally crying for once.  He dies and she recites an Our Father.  Wait, this WASP queen is a Catholic?  Why does that seem soooooo unlikely?  Dispensing with tears, she goes to the safe, finds the note and promptly burns it. 

She would be going right back to her dinner party, but Peter finds her in the library.  She says Jason is only sleeping and Peter tells her he knows Paxton did not commit suicide.  Peter says he doesn't want her to get hurt, and Jill snaps that if there's one thing her husband taught her, "it's not to get hurt."  Then she finally goes back to the party.

When Chad gets home and hugs his mother, who probably doesn't do hugs on a good day, let alone after her cheating dead husband named her son as her friend's murderer, and therefore acts like a wall when Chad even tries, tells Chad she knows the truth and he says, "and you just forgot it." 

The funeral is a small affair, attending just by Jill, Chad, Roy, Elaine, Peter, Chelsea...and Rebecca arriving late.  Jill storms up the aisle and rages at full voice for Rebecca to leave.  Rebecca tries to argue, but there's no arguing with Jill when she's in a mood.  Jill makes life even worse for Rebecca by contesting the supposedly iron-clad will he made the day he died, saying it was written with "undue pressure."  When Roy breaks the news to her, he does in the most curious way...by offering himself as a replacement sugar daddy.  You know, in real life, that might actually work for a dame as desperate as this, but since Rebecca is our heroine, instead of agreeing, she merely has a drink, breaking her sobriety.  A far better choice!  Peter comes to comfort her and she tells him, "don't blow my load."  I think that means something like "don't be a buzz kill," but I've lost my "Inconvenient Woman" dictionary and haven't been able to figure out half of what the hell she's been saying.

Going to buy more wine, Rebecca runs into Grant at the convenience store.  Grant has just been reading about her in Roddy's column and he tells her that he knows Chad killed Paxton, because he showed up when the session was over.  "That's when it all made sense to me."

But it doens't make any sense to anyone watching.

We find out that on the night of the murder, Jason brought Chad to Rebecca's house, his finger bitten by a dog and his blood the blood on pillow that Jason so angrily found when he was having his trash-the-house scene. 

Now it makes sense to anyone watching.

Rebecca insists on having a meeting with Jill to insist she get the money that was promised to her, because she knows the truth of Paxton's murder.  That shuts Jill and Roy up.  "I'm not asking for much...you can afford it," Rebecca says, about to fall into another crying fit.  Jill refuses and Rebecca goes to her old coffee shop for some comfort.  That's when Roddy accosts her.  He proposes that she dictate a book about the whole sordid affair and he will write it.  It will solve her financial problems.  Once she finishes the tapes, he has her put them in a safety deposit box to which only she and he have keys to. 

An excited Roddy puts something in his column daily about the impending book, but someone high up and made it impossible, so the book and movie deal die.  Roddy has another idea when he and Rebecca are watching Oprah.  Yup, Oprah.  Obviously, she doesn't remember she gave a clip to this movie or the whole existence of this movie would have long died (and because I have a copy, I would die too, so if I die...someone call my mother...oh, and Gayle).  They book Rebecca for a talk show appearance, but just after having her make-up done, the segment is canceled.  "Somebody made a call.  Somebody made a call," she whispers to Roddy. 

When she gets home, there's a typed note in a gift box that says "put it in your mouth before we do."  Further unwrapping reveals a gun (what, did you think it was an expensive spoon from Jill?  Or a wire retainer with a threatening note from the Orthodondist?), which she fires at the window.  She places the tapes in the safety deposit box.

Roddy finally gets to see Jill's house, though not from the inside because "you are not welcome in my home," so they have to talk in the garden.  Roddy, playing both sides, wants Jill to know that "for a price, I could turn the tapes over to you," the tapes that Rebecca has been recording.  He reminds her the tapes include a lot of details, which fill up about three minutes of screen time when it's taken us nearly two hours to get through it.  Just as Roddy is telling the story of what went on the night Chad was at Paxton's, a bee flies into his mouth and stings him. 

You read that correctly.

Just as Roddy is telling the story of what went on that night Chad was at Paxton's, a bee flies into his mouth and stings him.

You read that correctly again.

As Roddy is dying in the garden from his "wasp allergy," Jill talks of roses and then, just as he breathes his lasat, says, "I hope it hurts" as she snaps the head off a rose.  Jill calls Roy, asking him to call Joe and have him sack Rebecca's house for the tapes because "he's on them too."  Seems like a good idea, I suppose.  As someone is breaking into her house, she calls Grant to come stay with her.  "I have a customer right now," he says, but promises to come over afterwards.  He does, but he's not much help, falling asleep on the couch.  So, Rebecca finds Peter outside an AA meeting as she informs him she's leaving town.  "Can't tell you where I'm going," she says.  She hands him a box (the tapes) but he is not allowed to open them until Christmas.  "You don't have to worry about me anymore," she says, but he does worry about her.  "You are the most fragile tough girl I ever knew."

Our friend Grant is out jogging in very short shorts, with a Walkman, when Joe pulls him into his limousine.  Grant thinks he's a client, but Joe reveals he wants Grant to leave the door unlocked and take the gun from Rebecca's house so a goon can go in and get the tapes everyone thinks are there.  For cash, Grant sells out his friend.  But, it's Rebecca's bad luck to want to stay in that night.  Grant tries to urge her to go out with him, knowing bad men are on the way, but she wants to stay in, at least for a few hours. 

Asleep on the couch that night, she's awoken by the noise of someone rifling ther her packed boxes.  The guy has a mask on and she knows he's about to kill her with a piece of bric-a-brac.  "It's Ming, one of the dynasties," she says, as if that's going to stop a crook from killing her?  She's beaten dead with the Ming artifact, and right in the middle of Hail Mary (she's Catholic too!).

"It's over," Roy calls and reports to Jill.  Jill marries the German Prince and moves to London.  Poor Grant went into another limo and then disappeared.  Peter, "long before Chrstimas," found out Rebecca had given him the tapes.  He listens to them and somehow becomes close with Chelsea again.

Now that's how you do roman a clef!  You bring rich people together, make them ultra ridiculous and then toss in people who don't match.  The non-matching people make the rich people look insane, and then someone has to die.  Granted, guns and poison should be fine, but hey, but death-by-wasp can't be traced back to anyone, so it's pretty safe.  I'm just saying...

North and South, Book 2 (1986)

I am purposely avoiding miniseries sequels at the time I write about the originals because the comparisons are not fair, in most cases.  "Rich Man, Poor Man Book 2" is so unbelievably boring and "Lace II" completely lacks the cheesy charms of its predecessor.  However, "North and South Book 2" might as well be done alongside the first because they basically aired together.  "North and South Book 1" aired for November Sweeps in 1985 and "North and South Book 2" was ready for May Sweeps in 1986.  So, the second part is obviously not a rushed production to capitalize on the success of the first.  Most of the cast members revisit their original roles (no Liz Taylor, sorry). 

What I will not do at the same time is the third chapter in the "North and South" saga, which aired in 1994 and is pretty dismal.  We'll get there, but let's go through the quality before the crap.  For the most part, "North and South Book 2" is very consistent in quality like the first portion, though the final two sections go wildly off kilter. 

June, 1861, two months after Ft. Sumter.  The armies have amassed and patriotism on both sides is still at a fever pitch.  Genie Francis is looking for her husband in Washington and is told he's on sniper duty outside the city.  She's also harassed by some local gents and she has to literally beat them off.  This little scene, the first one, calls into question historical accuracy.  Though the seat of the Union government, sympathies of the ordinary citizen leaned decidedly Southern, especially among the rabble that poor Genie encounters here. 

Loving Genie eventually makes it her hubby, now being played by the supremely dashing Parker Stevenson, already a better choice then his predecessor.  In his new command, he will have the chance to "be a part of history."  "By killing Southerners?" Genie asks petulantly.  "I didn't mean YOUR family," he says, though I suppose neighbors and friends are fair game.  Maybe her Mary Pickford curls are on too tight, but Genie has somehow developed a spine since Book 1. 

Down in South Carolina, both Patrick Swayze and his cousin Lewis Smith are in uniform.  Patrick is way too old and way too injured to be of much help fighting, but he's the hero, so I won't say anything.  Also still kicking are Patrick's mother, Jean Simmons, pissed that the war is tearing apart her family and that of her dearest friends, and Lesley-Anne Down, Patrick's true love, under his protection from her drunken hellish husband.  She's recovered nicely from the drug-induced walking coma from which Patrick rescued her.  Patrick has a particularly difficult time wrenching himself from Lesley-Anne's cleavage and leaves slave Forest Whitaker "in charge of everything."  Off they go, with Lewis taunting, "race you to the war!"  The men soon part as they are assigned different war duties. 

Lesley-Anne's husband, David Carradine, sporting only a small scar from the sword he took to the eye, has been assigned a commission as a colonel to train new recruits. 

Parallel goings-on are happening in Pennsylvania, where James Read is putting on his old uniform, going back into service where he said he would never go again.  He will not be fighting, but rather on Lincoln's general staff.  To "celebrate the departure of this area's greatest hero," his family is throwing a big fete.  His mother Inga Swenson is worried that it's too lavish for wartime, but his sister-in-law, now played by Mary Crosby and her equally avaricious husband, Jonathan Frakes (now sporting a beard) use it as an opportunity to show off, since they will be running the family ironworks in his absence.  "Now isn't just a chance to profit from this foolish war, but for you to be the man you always wanted to be," Mary goads her husband, resting her chin on his shoulder to make it seem less offensive than it sounds. 

Patrick reports to Richmond, where President Jefferson Davis (Lloyd Bridges) and Robert E. Lee (William Schallert) are trying to make plans.  Lee believes both secession and slavery are wrong, but "I could not draw my sword against Virginia."  Lee wants to attack Washington, but Davis refuses.  Davis has summoned Patrick because of his expertise running factories, which the Confederacy has few of anyway.  Lewis and his pal James Houghton are sent on a reconnaissance mission, quickly encountering soldiers from the Union Army.  They chase a rider who gets by them and the Union soldiers chase them until a gunfight ensues.  The rider Lewis needs to protect turns out to be a woman, Kate McNeil, a Southerner who brings medicine to Confederate camps.  She's a feisty one, and both Lewis and James seem to dig her. 

Kirstie Alley, James' black sheep sister, has applied to be a nurse at a Union hospital run by Dorothea Dix.  She's not an ideal candidate, as far as they are concerned, because she spent time in a mental hospital and her outrageous views could be problematic. 

James, his wife Wendy Kilbourne, Parker and Genie are having dinner when in flounces Kirstie on the arm of Congressman David Ogden Stiers, whom she has refused to see since way back in Book 1 because he's married.  Parker goes to say goodbye to her, "since I might not see you before the end of the war," but Kirstie needs the Congressman's help, and is not concerned with her family.  She wants him to help her get the nursing position in Dix's hospital.  "My reward will be...?" the Congressman asks her, hoping for a tumble in bed, but she offers only her friendship. 

Brother James decides to go see sister Kirstie, but she is cantankerous from the moment she lets him in the door.  He offers to help her get the hospital job and even offers money, trying to mend fences.  Kirstie doesn't give an inch.  "No one ever cared to know what I think," she says, because she's a woman.  He claims it was her views, not her gender, that he objected to.  It turns into a shouting match, with James, as ever, trying to make nice (even while shouting), but Kirstie does not want to be part of the family anymore.  "If you ever need me, you know how to find me," James says on his way out, a clue that at some point, she will obviously need him. 

Patrick's other sister, troublemaker Terri Garber, attends a party for Jefferson Davis with her husband Jim Meltzer, who has not risen in the political ranks of the Confederacy as quickly as he expected.  Still itching to be the movie's Scarlett O'Hara, Terri arrives at the ball in a bright red gown where everyone else is sporting muted colors.  Jim argues with Jefferson Davis because Jim believes in strong states, where Davis wants a mighty central government.  Terri berates her husband for daring to disagree with Davis and storms over to the punch beverage table where she meets Philip Casnoff.  The meeting of these two has been destiny waiting for years and years as they are two of the three villains of the piece.  Philip is a longtime Jefferson Davis critic, so he is drawn to Jim and has a proposal for him: blockade running, not for arms, but "luxury items" because the profit margin is so high.   Jim finds this all very unpatriotic and refuses, but Terri shows up in time to hear the end of the discussion and formally meet Philip.  These two are going to be trouble, but awfully fun trouble.  Terri wants to invest in Philip's scheme and has her own money with which to do it.  "Perhaps we should discuss it later...in private," she tells Philip, which means the bedroom, where she does all of her best work. 

One of the men training under David Carradine wants to be released because his family misses him, but David gives the men a long speech about patriotism, though it's undermined by another soldier telling him he doesn't understand because he no longer has a family.  Yeah, like that's not going to royally piss him off! 

Prophetically, Lesley-Anne tells Jean that "I never want to bring shame to this family."  She starts to tell Jean some of her history, but Jean cuts her off.  Loving Patrick is all that matters.  Well, that's probably because she doesn't realize the story is that she was born to a quarter-black prostitute.  David sneaks into Patrick's plantation and abducts his wife with the help of some of his trainees.  For extra measure, he throws his lantern onto the roof of the cotton building, which would, of course, is the centerpiece of the family's fortunes.  The exploding building awakens Jean, who hears of Lesley-Anne's abduction before fiery beams fall on her.  She's alive, but she can tell from the fire that things are about to get really bad around the plantation.  Forest refuses to help extinguish the fire any further because he doesn't feel the family cares about him and he gets nothing from working so hard.  He's especially angered by the opulent house, which he's never seen before because all he gets is a shack. 

Lesley-Anne is returned to the room where David had her locked in for so long, and she seems to think she'll be rescued.  "There is no one," David tells her correctly, since all the men at Patrick's plantation are gone.  It's not a good time to be a Southern aristocrat.  First Jean is nearly killed, then she faces a slave rebellion and now Lesley-Anne is returned to her chamber of horrors. 

Only Terri is making it through the war with all of her dash and style intact.  She toys with Philip and he toys with her.  She dangles a check in front of him and he mentions her brother Patrick.  Terri hates all of James' family and even her own, so Philip can use that to his advantage.  He also inquires about Lesley-Anne, whose secrets he knows, only to be used at the time it will do maximum harm to Patrick.  After a lusty conversation, they start kissing, but the businesswoman in Terri wants to see money coming in before Philip gets more of what "he stole" by kissing her.  "Send your card round, sir, when your ship comes in," Terri states before flouncing out the front door.  Philip then goes to gaze at the painting of Lesley-Anne's mother that he somehow got from the whorehouse run by Elizabeth Taylor in the Book 1. 

Genie gets all the bad news from home and is determined to get back there, even if it means dodging battles happening all over the South.  Her husband Parker is riding and comes across a kid playing drums who wants to sound the call for the Army, so Parker takes him along.  Back at the camp, officer Kurtwood Smith berates Parker and then gets a chance to audition his drumming for Kurtwood. 

In Lincoln's war room, everyone has a different opinion of how to beat the Confederacy.  Lincoln keeps things light with jokes, but the odds are favoring the Confederacy since the bulk of the war is being fought on her land. 

As a great battle gears up, one of my personal favorite historical trivia points is highlighted.  Whole families come to watch the battles from a fairly safe distance, bringing games and picnics.  The First Battle of Bull Run is a slaughter on both sides (though the Confederacy comes out ahead in the end).  The fighting gets so spread out and so many bodies need attention that they spill into the spectators section.  It's the first big battle and now it looks like outcomes may not be so quick in happening.

Genie and her slave Erica Gimpel, good women who are about to have bad things happen as per this story's patterns, break their carriage and have to walk with whatever they can carry.  The army happens by and captures Erica, as Genie watches helplessly.  Genie shows up at night in a soldier's outfit and one for Erica.  This will at least get them out of the camp, even if it rips off Shakespeare and is almost too comic to fit with the movie's mood (though, to be fair, it's not played for laughs).  By the next day, they have finally changed back into women's clothing and come across two freeing slaves.  Erica talks to them and finds out "we are going the right way."

After Manassas, "it's Christmas in July," as Patrick tells Jefferson Davis.  Since the railroads are made of different size rails, the supply lines are forced to use carriages, the damn states' rights bullies refusing to help out on that account.  Patrick gets the news of his family's disasters and rushes home. 

"To one Union shattered at Manassas, and another union restored," David Carradine toasts to Lesley-Anne, a prisoner at the dinner table.  "I want my freedom.  You can't force me to love you!" Lesley-Anne rages.  David trots out his old lines about owing her and he even has guards stationed at the doorways to stop her from leaving.  Patrick races to Lesley-Anne's mansion and has a brutal fight with David that ends with David being thrown out a window to his death.  "It's over," Patrick says to Lesley-Anne proudly and comfortingly.  Jean accepts Lesley-Anne back at home with open arms. 

Terri throws a party, trying to smooth over the ruffled feathers Jim caused at the last big ado.  The Confederate Vice President and his wife are there, but as soon as Jim opens his mouth, he puts his foot back into it, Terri constantly having to rescue him from himself.  Naturally Philip shows up.  After all, the liquor being served at her party is due to his blockade running.  Philip snarls that "I have little patience where women are concerned," because Terri hasn't made do on her bedroom promises to him.  The double entendres are as thick as Mississippi molasses. 

Not to worry, Terri fully intends on becoming Philip's mistress and does so late one night so that no one notices her entering her house.  More puns are let loose from the cannon, though there are serious statements too.  "I want you.  I want you more than any other woman I've ever known.  I want you on my own terms," Philip says, pinning Terri's arms behind her back.  She tosses her dress over his chess set and once a very slow undressing is finished, he has her right there on the couch in a montage of bodies, roaring fires, jewels and lace stockings.  Typical miniseries sex, in other words. 

Philip has a special surprise for Terri, a room filled with luxuries from abroad.  Shallow Terri goes wild running around the room, but Philip has darker thoughts on his mind.  "I want you to be my consort," he says.  You see, he has a plan to unseat Jefferson Davis, "who has no stomach for war" and become the Confederate leader himself.  "When I've consolidates my power, we will rule...an Emperor and his Empress!" he bellows.  Terri giggles at the thought and he says if she ever laughs at him again, he will kill her.  She won't.  Power is an aphrodisiac for her, so she and Philip do it again, right there among all the luxuries. 

The more sober-minded Lesley-Anne is worried about marrying Patrick because of her racial make-up.  She worries that friends and neighbors will judge him.  "My happiness depends on only one person...you," Patrick gallantly reminds her.  They light smooches are interrupted as Genie finally makes it home after her long torturous journey.  Genie and Erica have bonded like friends during the trip, and Lesley-Anne says, "I have my maid of honor."  Cue the wedding.  Lesley-Anne looks ravishing, happy and better dressed than at her first wedding.  They can finally kiss as husband and wife now.  Sappy Jean and Genie think of all those "who should be here today," but Jean says it's a happy day and they should just celebrate.  She forgets that no one in this movie is allowed pure happiness.  It always comes with worry.  "The day I met you was the day I was born," Patrick gushes romantically when they can finally  have sex in a bed and not that abandoned church.  Alas, Patrick has to get back to his duty.

In Washington, James is sad because he has access to the casualty list.  He suspects Patrick feels the same way because he's doing the same job in Richmond.  But, James doesn't want to be part of the "regiment of paper shufflers."  He wants to be doing something more important.  Wendy begs him not to return to the battlefield. 

In Richmond, Patrick is angry at the profiteering and has a suspect in mind, but can't prove it.  Bad battlefield news kills their conversation and brings out the latent hawk in Jefferson Davis.  So, Patrick has to continue his chase of the blockage runner by himself.  His agent tells him Philip "is the clever swindler I ever knew...and he's paying off all the right people," but there is no solid proof linking Philip directly.  The problem is that Philip works in code, but Patrick comes up with the idea (all by himself--our boy is maturing) of breaking the code and then intercepting the ships before Philip can get to them, thus smashing his illegal activities.  "We will keep this to ourselves," Patrick warns his agent.  As they leave their meeting, Union soldiers are there and shoot Patrick's agent dead, giving our hero chase through the rainy countryside.  Guess who aims a gun at Patrick to shoot him?  Yes, James, who is on a trip back to Richmond.  He misleads the soldiers, saving Patrick's life "again."  The two old friends decide to "find a dry place and talk."

In a dry farm house, they warm up by a fire and James spots the ring on Patrick's finger.  "I'll throw you the damnedest party you ever saw after the war," James says, rattling off guest names and Patrick informs him at least one is dead.  Then the North-South argument arrives, as it always does with these two.  "We both agree that slavery is an out-moded institution," Patrick reminds James, but there are too many other differences ideologically between them, so they part again, friends at heart, but enemies on the surface. 

Kirstie is still determined to get that job at Dorothea Dix's hospital and goes right to Dix herself (Nancy Marchand), who is overwhelmed by the rate of casualties she's having to treat, not to mention the squeamish nurses and lack of medication.  Kirstie's Congressman has spoken with Mrs. Dix and Kirstie promises to be the best possible nurses.  Dix tells her that she'll be looked down upon by staff and patients and she's not afraid.  She also does not fear the hell of war because she's seen it all in her previous work.  Dix makes Kirstie promise that she will treat all patients the same, Northern or Southern.

However, Kirstie still has a big mouth.  When her Congressman and other dignitaries come to visit the hospital, she requests the government move faster and get the hospitals medication faster.  He asks what he'll get in return, but he's still married so no sex.  This is the umpteenth time these two have had this conversation, so the Congressman barks at her, "the next time you need a favor, be prepared to do one for me."  He's obviously had enough of her attempts to keep him at bay. 

Lewis and James are on a scouting mission when they come under Union fire and have to split up.  Lewis is wounded, but he manages to get to Kate's farm where she can nurse him back to health.  Lewis is obviously now in love with her, even more when he finds out Kate's blacks are all free and she has taught them to read and write.  "I've never met a woman quite like you," he admits.  John Nixon, Kate free friend, confides in Lewis that he might want to stay away from Kate because she wouldn't be able to handle losing another person in her life after a stillborn child and a dead husband.  He has every intention of heeding the advice, but something compels him to climb the stairs to her door, the same thing that compels her to stand at the door.  However, instead of knocking, he leaves in the dead of night.  Oh, come on, like he won't be back?  It may take hours and hours to get them together, but it's miniseries destiny. 

Just as Jean is having the cotton house rebuilt, the Confederate Army comes to requisition materials, "three quarters of their supplies and almost all the animals."  Genie is worried about how they will manage to survive.  Parker doesn't get letters from Genie because letters get held up in supply lines.  His drummer boy is impressed with the love he and Genie share and hopes someday to understand it.  "North and South" does love its man-on-man fighting, so a fellow soldier taunts Parker about having a Southern wife and they go to fisticuffs, the rest of the men cheering them on.  Colonel Kurtwood Smith berates both men.  "We're all under a lot of pressure, from the Generals on down," is his response to Parker's problem of missing his wife.  Not particularly helpful. 

Back in DC, Lincoln decides "we must now put our fight on the side of human rights" and wants to issue the Emancipation Proclamation, but his staff argues over whether or not it's the right time for it.  "I need me...a Commander who can give me a victory and then I can free the slaves," Lincoln decides. 

After dropping Inga off at a meeting to decide about rolling bandages, Jonathan Frakes and his wife Mary Crosby go to a meeting with a man who has a reputation for shoddy materials, and if they use those materials in making war supplies, it could be disastrous.  But, Mary is the stronger personality of the two and she insists they make the deal.  It's a complex plan, but Mary has added a detail to it to assure they are never found out: they sign James' name to the contract.

Morgan Fairchild, Philip's original benefactress, surprises Philip and Terri in bed and she threatens to expose their affair.  Pulling out a pistol, she says she'll kill him over his treatment of her, but decides rotting in prison over him is not worth it.  Her own reputation makes it doubtful anyone would believe her story of Philip and Terri together.  "I do hope you both get what you deserve," Morgan says on the way out.  However, Morgan isn't finished with Philip.  She summons Patrick to her boarding house to expose all of Philip's secrets, not to mention the liaison between Philip and Terri.  Morgan claims she has a way to stop Philip's illegal activities and tells Patrick where the next shipment will be arriving.  So, he and a bunch of men are there as the ship is being unloaded.  A gun battle erupts, but Patrick is the best shot in the country and can kill four men in the time it takes one to cock a pistol.  The entire shipment of goods is destroyed.

When Philip finds out, he damns Patrick for ruining his business.  Terri doesn't understand why it's such a big deal, but Philip knows he's out of business.  Once again, Philip has a revenge plan in mind, and it means exposing Lesley-Anne's secrets.  He shows Terri the painting, telling her of the black blood and her mother's career as a prostitute.  So, Philip's plan is kill Lesley-Anne, which will destroy Patrick, but Terri does not think it's the best plan because Patrick will stalk Philip and kill him.  Terri has a more complex plan in mind that ruins her entire family, especially her brother.  Thus ends the the second portion of Book 2.

Part Three starts in September 1862.  The South is trouncing the North in the war.  Up in Pennsylvania, Mary Crosby is hopeful that the North will be fine and wants to plan a ball, which of course Inga finds in very bad taste during wartime.  "Business is thriving during the war, everyone knows that," Mary says, wanting to show off all their good.  Inga declares it will be a "modest affair," but Mary chirps that "I can still wear my emeralds."  At this point, Inga is so annoyed, she probably wishes shrieking Kirstie would come back rather than shallow Mary.  Mary finally admits to Jonathan that she forged James' name on all documents. 

Antietem is a particularly gruesome battle.  As Lewis puts it, "the damn Yankees have learned how to fight!"  Lewis and and his friend James Houghton are there, but so is Parker, way over on the Northern side.  Parker proves to be a particularly good shot, picking off Confederates with every shot.  He and Lewis literally come face to face, gun raised.  This is the kind of cheesy moment we've been expecting since the beginning of "North and South Book 1."  For ages, there has been talk of having friends and relatives on opposite sides, but now we actually get to it live, with two men holding guns to each other's heads.  What will they do?

They will let a nearby cannon blast distract them and not kill each other, of course!  As quickly as the moment came, it went.  The cannons on the Union side are a product of Jonathan and Mary's business venture, and right as James Houghton gives a command to fire one of them, it explodes and kills him and several other men.  Mary had said the government would never come looking into their business, but with cannons that kill the men firing them, the people responsible for knowingly shoddy war materiel could be in big trouble. 

The Antietem sequence is the largest battle shown so far in "North and South."  It goes beyond looking like a cheap Civil War re-enactment, actually dripping with money spent on extras, not to mention time devoted to it.  After the battle, the camera surveys the carnage, which is considerable.  Lewis finds his friend's dead body.  "Nearly 25,000 killed, wounded or missing at Antietem creek, nearly half of them ours," Lincoln tells James.  Lincoln still needs a really excellent general and the choice seems to be Ulysses Grant (Anthony Zerbe), whom James had known at West Point (if you remember back that far, he helped James and Patrick survive Philip's hazing).  The problem with Grant is that he drinks...a lot.  James is dispatched to give Grant the news that he's Lincoln's choice.  "The President thinks you are the man to end this war," James tells him and then Grant offers James a drink, which turns out to be apple cider.  James requests to serve under him, which Grant would like as well.

Lincoln issues the Emancipation Proclamation, read to his cabinet with utmost sincerity. 

Hated overseer Tony Frank returns to the plantation, offering his services for a small piece of the profits, because word is trickling down to South Carolina and freed slaves are abandoning plantations all over the place.  Genie says they need to keep the slaves because the plantation would face ruin without them, but she understands Lesley-Anne's point that freedom can't be refused.  The sisters-in-law attend the funeral of a runaway Tony killed.  Genie tells all assembled that she wants them to stay, but if any want to leave, come to the family so they can give them the proper paperwork to avoid another unnecessary death like the current one.  Forest thinks the slaves should rush the plantation and kill their masters, but Erica is too loyal to the family to consider such a crime.  However, Erica isn't averse to the idea of freedom, especially since she has a crush on Lewis.  Forest sneaks into Jean's bedroom, knife drawn, but then spots her jewelry box and pockets everything he can carry. 

Patrick is up in the Shenandoah Valley praising local men and farmers for their efficiency with supply lines and then rides off just as the Union Army approaches.  He hears the guns and joins the battle.  The Union definitely wins the short scuffle.  Patrick decides to make a trip home, just in time to see the slaves leaving.  "But this is your home," never-bright Patrick says, but one of the former slaves says, "no, this was never our home."  Jean is so kind to the departing folks that she even gives them money for food!  Patrick still can't understand why anyone would want to leave.

But, he gets another shirtless scene with his beloved Lesley-Anne.  "Underneath that Southern gentility, your mother is a very strong woman," Lesley-Anne tells Patrick when he complains about how hard the war has been for all of them, especially his mother.  "We'll survive because of the strength we give one another.  Don't let go.  Don't let go," Lesley-Anne warns Patrick, having yet another bout of war depression, or perhaps cluelessness.  He and Jean share a very touching scene, lovingly delivered by both (but the kind that leads one to think it will be their last together). 

James and his brother Parker share some quiet moments the evening before a battle.  Parker hasn't had word from Genie in ages because letters can't get through.  It's been two years since they have last seen each other.  It's another gritty scene and the damage just seems to get worse and worse.  Parker survives, of course, but it's only the memory of his wife that keeps him going.  He decides he has to see her.  "It's desertion," he's told.  "Absence without leave," he corrects and then rides off.  The least he could do is take off his uniform, because that is too tempting a target. 

And, of course, right on cue, Parker is sitting next to a fire all by himself when a Confederate soldier, also a deserter, comes upon him.  "I told the Lord, I could sure use a horse...and look here how he's provided," the soldier says, devouring Parker's food and taking his boots.  Parker tosses a boot at the guy's face and they tussle (it's been a while since we've had one of "North and South's" beloved man-on-man fights.  A gun goes off and Parker is the one not killed. 

Things are so bad at the plantation that Lesley-Anne and Genie are working in the fields and Jean is keeping house.  The younger women try to get Jean to ease up on her workload.  "You treat me like China to protect me from the war," she yells at them, insisting on doing her share.  They have not been filling her in on the latest war news, but she insists on being told everything from now on.  She's the most realistic of all, knowing the heyday of the South is done. 

Into this world of destitution comes an enormous fancy carriage laden down with gifts and Terri Garber!  She's not out of the carriage ten seconds before she's insulted everyone.  She's horrified to think of white women working in the fields, but out Scarlett-O'Hara-lite just cares about dresses.  We know something is going on in her brain because Terri is kind to Erica.  Why?  Because she's hoping Erica can "answers some questions" about Lesley-Anne.  Alone with Lesley-Anne, Terri tells her she knows about her lineage, even about the prostitution, which is news even to Lesley-Anne.  "What worries me is Mother," Terri oozes, worrying about disgracing the future of the family if Lesley-Anne has a baby, one that would be 1/16th black.  "Hatred is like wine, it improves with age," Terri says to herself once Lesley-Anne leaves the room.  Hey, it's better than "fiddle-dee-dee." 

Lesley-Anne leaves a Dear Patrick letter for her hubby, along with her wedding ring and leaves the plantation.  Terri reads the letter and then gives it to Erica to hold for Patrick.  Erica sends some hatred Terri's way, telling her "someday, you're going to know what it is to be alone," though Terri can only think of the revenge she's getting and laughs. 

Former slave Beau Billingslea creates an aqueduct system that will help the planting and Erica is so proud of him, though still not realizing he's hopelessly in love with her.  He forces her to talk about the hated overseer, which she has steadfastly refused to discuss.  "It made me afraid to really love somebody," she says, "but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to love."  Poor Beau.  The arrival of a Confederate soldier interrupts their conversation.  But it's not a soldier, it's Parker in the uniform of the dead Confederate soldier, which will present a problem because Terri is at the house and she'll turn him in the minute she sees him.  As Erica bursts in to tell them that Beau's water wheel works, Terri is trying to get her mother to live with her in Charleston, but of course Erica isn't really there to discuss seed corn, but to bring Genie to Parker.

The reunion comes with music and kisses and the two fall right into a pile of hay.  After all, it's been two years!  They have a lot of hay pile reminiscing to do.  Genie urges Parker not to go back, but he has to.  His little drummer boy would miss him.  "I don't want to go back, but I have to," Parker sweetly tells Genie, just as Terri rides by and sees him.  Terri threatens him, because no matter which side he's on, he's a deserter and she wishes him punished or dead.  As Terri goes to tell the authorities, Genie comes at her with a pitchfork, full of sass!  She tells Parker to take the horse and go and keeps Terri pinned inside the barn.  "You are going to stay right here until Billy is long gone," Genie tells her at the end of a triumphant speech where she rips into her detestable sister.  "If I never see you again, little sister, it would be too soon," Terri says as her carriage drives away.  Terri better not be gone from the miniseries because Scarlett-O'Hara-lite is the only person having any fun.

I say that and then Nurse Kirstie returns, after a long absence, ordering doctors, nurses and soldiers around, much to the dismay of Book 2's most precious slumming Oscar-winner, not to mention "Gone With the Wind" veteran, Olivia de Havilland.  She's the administrator of the hospital site where Kirstie is making such a fuss.  In her trademark soothing tone, Olivia has come to speak to Kirstie about her "insubordination."  "You must watch your manner," she tells Kirstie, who doesn't pay attention to a word she says.  Kirstie intends to continue berating the doctors and ignoring the Southern patients.  She also reminds Olivia that the morphine supply is due to her friendship with Congressman David Ogden Stiers.

We bathe in the warmth of Olivia's presence only for a moment before we're hit with another slumming Oscar-whammy, Hollywood's favorite son, Jimmy Stewart (and Olivia's co-star in "Airport '77")!  He's a lawyer to whom Lesley-Anne goes to for advice.  She wants to make sure she has a bit of money from her father's estate (but none from David Carradine's), but the real purpose of the visit is to get an assurance from her lawyer that he will never tell anyone she's in Charleston and when Patrick inevitably sues for divorce due to desertion, he will not contest it.  Dressed in widow's weeds, Lesley-Anne ends Part 3 hoping to spare Patrick and his family any humiliation. 

By May of 1864, the South has little hope left of winning the war, but they keep fighting.  James is still fighting with the regulars, but his supply train is ambushed.  He's a damn good shot and manages to kill a few of the Confederate men, but the Confederate men manage to overcome the train.  James and his men are to be sent to Libby Prison.

Lewis is surveying the damage of yet another battlefield when Kate arrives with drugs for the injured men.  They should be happy to see each other, but Lewis remembers the advice of Kate's friend to stay away from her to avoid falling in love and possibly dying on her.  He treats her roughly, she runs away from him and then he pins her to the ground where bright sunlight peeking through the trees tell us that the two are about to become lovers.  Yes, folks, it's another "North and South" sex scene, a montage of limbs, both on the trees and on their bodies, but these two are in the middle of a forest just off a battlefield, the most unlikely place to consummate a union.  They fall asleep where they have sex, but Lewis wakes up with horrible nightmares of James Houghton dying due to the exploding cannon over and over.  "You're a part of me now.  I love you," Kate says to calm him down. 

Parker is back in the Union Army, as sure a shot as ever, only failing to pick off a whole pack of snipers because he runs out of ammo.  According to Kurtwood, "you left here a deserted and you came back a fool," among other cute little motto phrases, but takes him back because the army is desperate.  Plus, he gives him a less-than-ideal assignment, "the forward skirmishers" and he will face a court martial at war's end.  To balance out the perceived of badness, we do have some saccharine to toss in with the Little Drummer Boy wanting to bury a found skull because, "he was a good soldier, I just know it." 

Finally, Grant (whose beard seems to be falling off wisp by wisp) is put in full command and he's decided to "raid behind the lines" while Sherman handles things in Georgia.  "People are tired of war.  If we don't destroy Lee's Army, Lincoln could be defeated in November and the Union gone forever.  Only unconditional surrender will give us a lasting peace," says the Union's best hope (and Reconstruction's Greatest admirer--some last peace!).  Even when battles are lost, he seems to have a plan in his mind as to how he'll win the war. 

There's something important to note, something most people probably would not even bother to see.  At this point in the movie, start taking a look at the extras.  On the Confederate side, they are getting older, weaker, fatter, in essence less soldier-like.  These are men conscripted into a dying Army.  "North and South Book 2" does a good job of portraying the soldiers as they really were late in the war. 

When a Southern soldier is brought in, Kirstie not only refuses the request for his bed, but even for water, causing Olivia to scold the exhausted workaholic.  Olivia warns her that if she follows the current pattern of giving inferior care to Southern soldiers, "I'll do my best to have you dismissed from the nursing corps." 

In Richmond, Patrick knows the war is lost, but he has bigger problems with his wife having disappeared.  He hires Detective Michael Champion to find her since he can't leave his post.  Lesley-Anne gives birth to a son. 

Patrick is shot but snipers while riding alone and he ends up in Kirstie's hospital.  Well, this is going to be a test for her!  Not only is he Southern, but her sworn enemy.  She gives him a bed, so far, so good.  She sends him to surgery immediately, also good.  As he improves, Patrick recognizes Kirstie.  He goes to thank you, but she retorts, "all wounded in this hospital receive the same care" with the hiss of an asp.

Upon seeing a Southern soldier attempting to conscript a black boy, she stops her carriage and puts a stop to it, threatening to use influence we know she doesn't have.  But, between that and the boy's ruse of coughing to appear sick, they get him from the clutches of the Confederate Army.  Lesley-Anne volunteers to take him home, which turns out to be a shanty town too deplorable for human life.  Since Bumper Robinson's mother is sick and they can't afford food or medicine, Lesley-Anne turns them into a pet project.  "Sometimes, the best way to forget someone you lost is to help someone else," Lesley-Anne gives as a reason for helping Bumper and his kin.  Unfortunately, three men stop the carriage and try to take the supplies, but Lee Horsley arrives on the scene and shoots one dead, scaring off the other two.  Lee has the hots for Lesley-Anne immediately.  A woman at Lesley-Anne's boarding house tells her that Lee "left the Army under very mysterious circumstances," and he should not ever be received.  Lesley-Anne sees a fellow black sheep in him.

Patrick suggests to Kirstie that they "swap stories of our families," and eventually Kirstie softens a little bit.  She tells him she has not seen Billy's name "on any of the casualty lists," but has no knowledge of anyone else.  Kirstie is told that Patrick is going to be sent to prison, being a General after all.  With this news, they wish each other well and he even kisses her hand.  He then knocks out a soldier, steals a horse and makes a dash toward freedom.  Kirstie flashes a hint of a smile to know he's gotten away.

Libby Prison is James' new home.  It's run by, I can't believe I'm writing this, Wayne Newton, perhaps the only guest star in a miniseries every to slum upwards!  He orders the new men to strip for cavity searches, as he brandishes a walking stick with a fist on the end of it.  There's symbolism for you.  "Now that we have finished with materials things, it's time we got to work on the spiritual.  You boys got to learn you ain't officers and gentlemen no more.  What you are is nothing...you are lower than scum, you are lower than dirt, so why don't you boys get down on your knees in the dirt and show me what you are now," Wayne sadistically notes, slapping his palm with that fist walking stick the whole time.  James refuses to let his men knee in front of "trash," as he refers to Wayne, so Wayne beats a soldier and most of the men end up kneeling.  James feels they should be treated better and asks for Wayne's superior.  He's the top there is and "there are no rules."  He then beats James up a bit.  It could only be goofier if the men all yelled, "danke schoen, sir" as he left the room. 

It's been a long time since we've caught up with Terri's husband Jim, who angles for states' rights from Jefferson Davis.  Davis is much smarter, knowing that they have to win the war as a block of states and then they can worry about the individual states.  When he tells Terri of his failure to persuade Davis, she's not sympathetic.  He's frustrated that no one listens to him.  "Not half as frustrating as you are to me," she snaps at him and leaves the house.  Naturally, she's off to Philip's.  She wants to be rid of her husband, but Philip won't hear of it.  He's planning a coup against Davis and Jim would be a useful figure head in "my new government."  Terri convinces Jim to go see Philip, though he's wary of him.  Because Jim is so malleable, it takes a few compliments to get Jim to listen to him and to convince him overthrowing Davis' government is the right way to rebuild the Confederacy.  He drops in that he would Jim Vice President.  "You make it sound almost patriotic," Jim says.  "It's more than that, it's your destiny," Philip shoots back and Jim is had.

Kirstie, exhausted and petulant, mechanically ties a tourniquet to a dying Confederate soldier's leg, but he unties it so he can die.  Olivia has had it with Kirstie.  "I believe you are capable of anything.  Even the murder of a Southerner," Olivia says in measured tones and then adds a further piece of good news, that she intends to see Kirstie tried for murder!  Hold on for an unexpected moment, readers.  Not only is Kirstie probably capable of killing a Confederate soldier, but also of killing Olivia de Havilland.  She comes at her (or rather the camera, the way it's filmed) and pushes her chair over, for some reason causing instant death, with the requisite trickle of blood from the mouth.  Kirstie has a mini breakdown (her hands twitch) and she leaves the hospital.  She makes it to Congressman David Ogden Stiers' house.  He tells her that Olivia isn't dead (PHEW), but she has filed murder charges.  The Congressman considers it "political suicide" to get help her, and then reminds her that the last time he helped her, he told her the "next time would not be free."  This time, she has no choice but to agree.  He watches her undress with a cigar and brandy.  Kirstie Alley is not one of more erotic actresses, so I'm not sure what he's getting to excited about, but to each his own.

The last time Lewis was around, he and Kate were engaging in afterglow, but things have changed.  Lewis goes to pay a visit and finds her black friends tied up outside by three men who have Kate hostage inside.  When he peers through the window, he finds the Union soldiers about to rape her.  Lewis bursts inside shooting.  Two are killed and the third escapes.  Defying all rules about such situations, not to mention offending good taste, Lewis and Kate have sex.

Wendy goes to Lincoln in the hopes that he will help get her husband released, but he can't.  Not only has he made it policy that there are no prison exchanges, he cannot do it for just one man.  "I don't run this war, it runs me," he tells her.  He says he'll try to help and thanks her for "your sacrifice."  When Wendy brings the news home, Jonathan and Mary agree with the President, that James should stay in prison.  After all, they would lose everything.  Wendy, with Inga's agreement, wants to get a message to Patrick and maybe he can help.  They better act quickly, because Libby Prison is a hell hole.  James tries to defend a boy being beaten and actually does knock them all out, but Wayne and his fist walking stick arrive.  The prison guards tell Wayne James was attempting to rape the kid, so Wayne decides to punish him badly.  One of the guards remind Wayne that the man actually in charge of the prison is due to return in a week and doesn't believe in violence.  This gets Wayne even angrier.  James is tied to a pole and left out in the rain to give Part Four a gloomy ending.

The war is nearing a close in December, 1864, but James may not have that long in Libby Prison.  "You're only half dead, stop being so shiftless and lazy," Wayne scowls at James, who has tried making a hole in the way.  As a general warning to all the prisoners, Wayne claims to have gun powder hidden. James may not have that long in Libby Prison.  "You're only half dead, stop being so shiftless and lazy," Wayne scowls at James, who has tried making a hole in the way.  As a general warning to all the prisoners, Wayne claims to have gun powder hidden under the floor and if anyone thinks of escaping, he'll simply blow them up. 

Lewis shows up in Richmond, bearing bad news for Patrick (who is suffering from laryngitis) that James is in Libby Prison.  Patrick wants to get him out, but Lewis "doesn't care too much for Yankees these days," but agrees to go with Patrick.  General Patrick goes to Libby and the guards try to stall as long as they can, eventually presenting the shell of a man James has become.  "I intend to report this entire detachment gross neglect of duty," Patrick threatens, but Wayne steps in as they try to leave.  He will not abide by the order, so the men have to fight their way out. 

CONTINUITY CHECK: during the fight, Patrick is able to kick with both legs, just like ran at top speed across railroad tracks one time with that terribly mangled leg.  Okay, I know it looks good to stage "Batman"-style fight scenes, but so much care has been taken to see that "North and South" is true to itself that moments like these can really weary a viewer's patience.

Wayne has a knife hidden in his boot and he draws it, only to be pushed against a way and into the knife, dead.  James can be taken out safely.  They are already on horseback by the time one of Wayne's men tries to stop them.  James is in too much pain to travel easily.  "You saved my life," James cries to Patrick and Lewis.  They put him in a tiny boat with some supplies and send him back to Northern safety.  "Can I ask one more favor?  Tell Jeff Davis that if he stops this war, I'll buy the champagne," James jokes, even in his condition.  "You best make that offer to Lincoln," Patrick retorts, their playful banter omnipresent.  "We kill Yankees by the hundreds and save one man.  It doesn't make any sense, Lewis opines.  He doesn't understand the bond these two men have. 

Don't underestimate the power of Inga Swenson's Great 1864 Christmas Sing-a-long.  It charms her young granddaughter, but Mary isn't so easily full of Christmas cheer.  It takes a massive diamond necklace from her husband to do that, though the rest of the family thinks it's ostentatious.  Inga misses her sons, but Wendy puts it in some sort of perspective, telling her that there are families who know for sure their loved ones will never return.  Cue the Christmas miracle: a knock at the door reveals James, now safe at home with his wife, mother and daughter. 

And what of our Southern women?  No finery or Christmas trappings for them.  Genie is digging in the garden when hated Tony Frank arrives, bearing food.  "We have enough," Genie says defiantly.  He tries once again to slither his way into her plantation, but Erica shows up toting a gun.  The first shot is a warning, but she intends the second to hit its target.  "Get out of here...leave the horse," she orders, exorcising her demons when it comes to this man. 

"You're some kind of killing machine," Lewis' friend tells him after they kill a small band of Union soldiers and find out where Grant is heading.  Lewis shoots the last one alive when the man merely reaches for a drink of water.

Accompanied by Lee, Lesley-Anne continues her charity work with Charleston's destitute black population, only to hear that little Bumper has been been conscripted.  Lee takes Lesley-Anne to headquarters to find out what they can do, and he learns where Bumper is.  Lee gets orders that allow him to take the boys back to the plantation. The man in charge knows about Lee and his "pay-offs," so he sends the black boys back into the wagon and waits for his payment, which comes in the form of a kick to the face from Lee. Lesley-Anne is shocked to find out Lee won Bumper's freedom through bribes.  "Honor is dead," Lee reminds her, telling her that he left the Army because he found better ways to fight the whole system.  Lesley-Anne is grateful, but not willing to go to bed with him. 

Lesley-Anne then decides she will use David Carradine's money to help the poor.  "That man never did a good thing for anyone in his whole life, so let's just call this poetic justice," she tells her lawyer Jimmy Stewart.  She's willing to bankrupt herself in order to assist the displaced. 

James is healing nicely, though he will be going back to the front.  However, he's concerned that Patrick has changed.  He thinks Patrick saved him not out of loyalty, but to "repay a debt."  A Union officer shows up at James' house to tell him of a "formal investigation" about the shoddy cannons coming out of the ironworks.  James' signature is on "incriminating documents," but he has a few hours to come with proof that he is not involved.  He sets off to find Jonathan and Mary's business partner.  He finds him, but, predictably, they fight and the partner's neck is snapped.  Well, he's dead and thus cannot testify, but James still has Jonathan, who stands up to his wife for the first time.  "You miserable traitor," James rails at his brother and insists he take "full responsibility," which will mean "long prison terms" for husband and wife.  Jonathan agrees to cooperate, so that problem is solved.  Phew! 

The plot to kill Jefferson Davis is still alive and well in the minds of Philip and Terri, but she has no more money.  Not to worry, Philip has a man willing to give $15,000, with the condition that he gets a night with Terri.  She's aghast, but agrees to go along with it.  "But we love each other," she tries to complain, but Philip cuts her off by saying, "I don't recall love ever being mentioned."  Terri beds the old coot with the cash, hating every minute of it.  Should we feel sorry for her?  I vote not.  It's hardly penance yet.  Philip takes Terri to his out-of-town armory of war supplies.  In here, comes the creepiest of moments, where Philip talks about killing Jefferson Davis and her brother Patrick while moving a gun up and down Terri's body as seduction.  It works.  They do it right there among the barrels of gunpowder. 

Having become a regular Soup Kitchen Sally to hundreds of people, Lesley-Anne is almost out of money, and all she has left is David's house.  Jimmy Stewart tells her he has a buyer for her house, but the buyer wishes to remain anonymous.  Hmm, who could it be?  Well, it's Lee Horsley, of course, who can raise cash any time he wants by gambling.  He tells Jimmy not to be concerned.  "It's not every day a lawyer helps a scoundrel help a lady," Lee says with a grin. 

In need of money, Philip is told by the man from whom he purchases guns that the "Angel Lady" is the only woman in Charleston who still has money and he should seek her out and use his charm to get her money.  Speaking of Lesley-Anne, when Lee confesses his love for her, she admits she's actually still married and though he's willing to accept her as is, she will not hurt him.  "A part of me will always belong to him," she says, trying to spare Lee the agony of loving her.  Lee vows never go give up, the lovestruck fool. 

When Lesley-Anne returns home, there is a card from Philip, whose very name frightens her.  She seeks out Linda Evans, a former actress who once played a magnificent Cordelia in "King Lear" that Lesley-Anne once saw (not only does that seem unlikely, but they are supposed to be the same age...?????).  Lesley-Anne wants to hire her for her acting abilities, to "find out what somebody wants from me."  Folks, this is where "North and South" jumps off track, majorly.  This is a plot twist worthy of of Sidney Sheldon or Judith Krantz, not John Jakes.  The only way to find out what Philip wants is to hire an actress?  Come on! 

At any rate, Philip spills his whole plan about killing Jefferson Davis to Linda Evans, making a stupid plot twist even worse.  Would a man as devious as this really reveal the whole truth of his plan to a complete stranger?  Certainly he would have lies ready.  She asks for two days to mull it over, but he insists on having an answer the next morning.  Lesley-Anne has heard the entire conversation.  When Lesley-Anne tries to pay Linda, she tells her to use the money for her charity.  "Think of it as a benefit performance," she says.  Yes, that is the line, word for word.  I played it three times and laughed through all of them. 

Philip knew all along Linda was an actress (I've seen most things she's done in her career and I've never been convinced), so he waits for Lesley-Anne to leave her house.  He attacks her and is about to pull off her veil when Lee shows up to, let's say it in unison...fight man-on-man.  Philip shoots Lee, who asks Lesley-Anne if she loves him and she admits it, the last thing he hears as he dies. 

Dreaded former overseer Tony Frank comes to his old plantation and ruins Beau's irrigation system, stealing all the remaining food for good measure.  Beau is beaten, but survives.  Erica shows him particular kindness.  There is still a hint of splendor at the old plantation, especially when Jean leafs through a photo album and remembers the good times. 

The Confederate Army is bedraggled.  Lewis' friend wants to desert and Lewis tries to stop him.  "I'd rather die than go on this way," he tells Lewis.  Lewis lets him go, but the words penetrate.  He looks terrible, his clothes in tatters and all hope nearly gone.  He goes to Kate's place, a place where he feels most comfortable.  One of her friends has been killed by Union soldiers.  The boy's father pours coffee on Lewis, but accident and Lewis reacts as if the man were still a slave, but apologizes for it.  "I'm not fit to be around decent people," he claims, even her, the woman he loves.  "Nothing makes any sense anymore," says the character who retained the most sanity for the most time.  If he's given up, things must really be dire.  Lewis leaves, but gets to his horse and realizes how much he needs Kate and goes back inside to her.  When he leaves to return to camp, both are happier. 

It's Terri's weak-willed husband Jim who tells Jefferson Davis about the illegal gun running scheme Philip has going.  Davis calls in Patrick to help him sort it out.  Terri tries to get Philip to stop the scheme.  "The Confederacy is dead!" she tells him, but he says it will thrive "under my leadership."  Terri has to hide in the back because Philip is expecting visitors.  It's Jim who arrives, pretending to go along with Philip's plans.  Patrick slips in, hearing the whole plan from Philip's mouth.  Expecting a fist-fight?  Close.  Will you settle for a gunfight instead?  No.  Well, once Patrick runs out of bullets, you'll get your fist fight.  Philip smacks Patrick around with a wooden plank while Terri and Jim accidentally set the storehouse full of gunpowder on fire.  "My empire, I'm going to save my empire," Philip rages as he runs back into the burning building, moments before a spectacular explosion.  "It was like Judgment Day," Terri worries, admitting "I'm a sinner too" and that she'll burn in hell with Philip.  She recounts all of her sins for them, include the plot to kill her brother-in-law, her abortion and her success at driving a wedge between Patrick and Lesley-Anne.  Patrick smacks his sister hard across the face when he hears this and then tells her he never wants to see her again.  She asks her husband for forgiveness, but he tells her "it's too late."  Goodbye Terri as Episode Five concludes.

We rejoin the story in March, 1965.  The Armies are at Petersburg waiting for a conclusion to the war.  Jefferson Davis is pining over the lost ammunition that Philip had been stockpiling and still hoping for a miracle from General Lee.  Patrick knows all is lost and only wants to find Lesley-Anne.  His detective has not been able to turn up anything.  She's still feeding the poor, but money and supplies are virtually gone.  General Sherman has made life in South Carolina lousy for the state he feels started the war.  Lesley-Anne goes to General Sherman himself to plead the case for Charleston.  There is no possible way a Southern civilian female would EVER get time with Charleston, so this scene is inherently ludicrous, but Lesley-Anne actually infuses it with enough good acting to make it almost believable.  She pleads her case well, and Sherman promises her supplies.  "You're a woman of courage and courage always wins," he tells her.  Well, okay.

Starting the process of wrapping up all the plot lines, hated overseer Tony Frank is captured by Forest's men.  Forest has gotten himself a following, blacks poor whites who believe they can take all of the property that belonged to the whites once the war ends.  Tony pleads for his life, saying they will need his plantation experience to make his dream a reality.  They form an unlikely and very tentative alliance.

There's a knock at Congressman David Ogden Stiers' door.  There is a man looking for Kirstie because the warrant for her arrest is still valid.  At a party the Congressman throws, she tells him to stop the investigation, though he keeps saying, "these things take time."  When he asks her if he's as good in bed as her dead husband, the fire in her eyes returns and she says, "there's no one like you." 

Plucky Genie is prying every piece of candle wax from the candlesticks when the Union Army arrives to take the plantation.  "There are only women here.  We didn't start this war, we're trying to survive it!" she tells the soldiers.  Jean backs her up, saying, "you'll have to burn down this house around me" and then pulls a pistol.  The Union soldier in charge is a very old friend of Patrick from the West Point days, so he has the house spared, to be used by the army. 

Lincoln pays a visit to Grant's camp, with James in tow, trying to boost morale and hear Grant's plan to end the war.  Lincoln reminds everyone to "let 'em off easy" as Grant says.  Lincoln does not want harsh reprisals, but he's in the minority on that one.  "Some people want the South to bleed for what they've done," he's told, but he responds, "The South has bled enough, and so have we."

James can see Patrick just across the battlefield with his binoculars.  He's not sure what to do, but his brother Parker is there to egg him on.  "Sound the advance," James says.  James, Parker and the Union Army advance as Patrick, Lewis and the Confederate Army sound the order to fire.  The final battle is on.  Even Parker's Little Drummer Boy is part of it, racing across the field with Parker, though hit by cannon fire soon into the battle.  Parker, having made it all the way across the battlefield, is shot in the shoulder and sees his Little Drummer Boy's body, going back to carry it back to safety.  James and Patrick are close enough to easily kill each other, but they resist, sticking to their roles as leaders of the battle.  Patrick is particularly agile (I'm tired of being the continuity police by now, so let's just let Dancer Patrick spend the rest of the movie pretending his not Actor Patrick). 

The Union Army is victorious, but the causalities are very high.  Parker and his Little Drummer Boy are alive, though both severely wounded.  Parker solemnly tells the Little Drummer Boy that he will live, but healing will take a while.  Parker can only stay a few days and then return for him when he's fully able to travel.  "You hurry up and get well.  Just remember you're my friend and I love you," Parker sweetly reminds the kid, whom he intends to take home to his wife when the war is over.  Grant now has to plan to finally end it all.  He gives strict orders not to simply pick off the Confederates from behind, but to cut them off and attack from the front and all sides.  As the Union Army is about to wipe out the Confederate Army, word comes that the Confederacy has surrendered.  The Union Army celebrates, but the Southern soldiers are sad and stuck to the ground in disbelief.  The formalities are handled at Appomattox on April 9.  Lee arrives first, but Grant and his victorious men, James included, are soon there as well.  Lee is given a very polite (and very long) send off. 

News of the surrender reaches the plantation, where Genie and Jean are still surviving.  Lewis goes to tell Kate what has happened, but Kate died in childbirth.  Lewis never even knew she was pregnant.  The baby lived and was taken by a relative to Charleston.  He goes to Charleston to claim his son.  Lewis makes it back to the plantation first, but Genie's wishes come true when Parker comes riding up to the house.  Beau, however, wants to leave, claiming there is nothing left for him at the plantation.  "Not without me," Erica tells him as another man's wish comes true.  Jean gives Beau and Erica a piece of the plantation, "to start a new lifge there together." 

It seems Kirstie has adapted to being the Congressman's mistress quite well.  She asks him when he will get the murder charges dropped.  "I'm sick of you harping on that," he tells her and she blurts out, "like I'm sick of servicing you?" and then immediately regrets she said it.  He forgives her, but after one last session together, he tells her he will never return as he's going to be a Senator.  "Do you think I would risk my political career for you?  You were a challenge and once a challenge is met, one moves on," he coldly tells her, though undeniably she deserves it.  Oh, and he also tells her that murder charge was long dismissed.  "Just collecting on past favors my dear," he tells her when she slaps him for using her.  Kirstie is way too unbalanced to take this abuse, so she kills the Congressman. 

James visits Kirstie in prison, but "there's no chance for reprieve."  She understands, and also appreciates the irony of hanging for murder on what would have been her anniversary had Georg lived.  The only thing she has left is her wedding ring, which she gives to James as a present to his daughter, "from her crazy aunt."  Both cry as James says goodbye.  Despite all differences, they have forgiven each other.  No other sibling has come to visit.  "No matter what she did, I loved her," Inga cries, surrounded by James and Wendy. 

In bed, Wendy and James have one of those "what was it all for?" conversations, but for James the war is not over until he finds out what happened to Patrick, whom we last saw presumably dead on the battlefield at Petersburg.  He wanders all over the South trying to find Patrick, but nobody has seen him.  Finally, at a field hospital, he sees Patrick, a broken man sitting up against a tree.  James is overcome seeing Patrick, but the latter has lost his spark.  Part of that is due to the fact he can't find Lesley-Anne.  They get the bad news that Lincoln has been shot and James breaks down.  "I could really use your help now," Patrick tells him, to give him a reason to live.  The spark is coming back.  They go to see Lawyer Jimmy Stewart, but he refuses to break confidentiality.  "I can no longer keep two people apart who should be together," he finally tells Patrick.  Lesley-Anne is playing with her baby when Patrick shows up (another continuity gaffe has this baby still an infant, where Lewis' baby is already older, though born after).  He tells her, "you don't have to be afraid anymore" and the cymbals crash big time when they fall into each other's arms.  "I have to tell you, there's another man in my life now," she notes and gives him the baby he never even knew he had (they haven't seen each other in two years, but the kid looks under one year). 

The happy family plus James heads for the plantation, where the happy family members are having dinner with Forest and Tony's posse raid the house and set it on fire.  Everyone has survived so much, is this really necessary?  Lewis, Genie, Parker, Beau and Erica all take up arms and manage to shoot a whole bunch of people, thoug Forest bursts in and tries to grab Erica.  Jean smashes a vase over his head, but he pushes her against the door and knocks her out.  Lewis kills Forest.  The battle is still raging when James and Patrick arrive with Lesley-Anne and the baby.  Erica is watching at the window when Beau is shot and killed.  Tony tries to molest Genie, but Parker jumps in to save her.  As he's aboutot kill Parker, Genie shoots him from behind.  The raiders, or what's left of them, scamper off as the family flees the house.  Unfortunately, Jean dies.  She is inseparable from the house and once it started to burn, it was inevitable she would go along with it.  "My mother lived to see her way of life erased from the face of the earth, but she blamed no one," Patrick says as part of the eulogy before slipping into one of Lincoln's speeches of forgiveness. 

The final speech goes to James, who holds out his half of the $10 bill to start anew in business and life.  Patrick has his half as well and declares James "the best friend a man could ever have.  We're a family."  As family they all wak down the path from the plantation one last time, their lives completely separated from all they knew before the war.

Because "North and South Book 2" is forced to show the entire Civil War, there is a lot of time wasting.  The Linda Evans acting scheme, the Wayne Newton prison humiliation, even the Lewis and Kate love plot, are all filler.  The most moving moments come during the actual battle scenes and at the end when we shave down the characters to just the essentials, the ones who have been with us since the beginning and have become so familiar over the course of 18 hours.  Since it ends on such a lovely note, pure American heartstring tugging, a lot of the flaws are forgiven.

Remember, though, the story is not over.  In 1994, the final part of the trilogy appeared, but for now, let's simply bask in the glow of a true miniseries classic and not worry about how it's junked up later on.

North and South, Book 1 (1985)

What Herman Wouk is to World War II miniseries, John Jakes is to Civil War miniseries, and that would be the inspiration to make the heftiest movies devoted to the subject.  Herman Wouk managed about 40 hours out of two novels, but John Jakes had three novels and got less time (let's be fair--World War II went on longer).  That turns out to be a plus in favor of the Jakes works because they aren't as chewy as the Wouk miniseries. 

"North and South" is far less sophisticated than anything Wouk came up with and it's basically just romance-during-wartime dressed up in great finery, but not all the finery is false plumage like so many similar miniseries.  "North and South" follows all miniseries rules, but in one particular case, it towers above all the rest: slumming movie stars!  "North and South" gets the biggest of them all in Elizabeth Taylor for one scene, crowded into a cast that also includes Robert Mitchum, Hal Holbrook, Jean Simmons and Inga Swenson.

However, cast-wise it's really about the not-yet-famous Patrick Swayze and the never-quite-made-it James Read and Lesley-Anne Down.  They handles themselves quite well, James and Lesley-Anne in particular.  Strong acting is essential to the success of "North and South" because it helps us get through the plodding story and over-familiar history (a lesson most of the actors in the Wouk miniseries seemed never to understand).  We've already been through "The Blue and The Gray," which is a similar story, but without the regal trappings of "North and South," which relies on them a bit too much.  "The Blue and The Gray" is far more efficient storytelling, but "North and South" is a great big affair, not interested in being efficient or dainty. 

One TV critic at the time called this miniseries "the 'Gone With the Wind' of television."  That's not an unfair comparison if, like me, you find "Gone With the Wind" a bit hokey and on the soapy side, with some truly ridiculous moments.  It's also not unfair because both aimed to be the biggest of historical fiction pieces possible.  Let's face it, if "Gone With the Wind" had been written a few decades later, it would have been a TV miniseries.  But, that's not the order of events, so John Jakes was able to sneak in a far more aggressive few books than Margaret Mitchell and he gets all the hours devoted to his.  No, Patrick Swayze and Lesley-Anne Down are no Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh, Olivia Cole is not Hattie McDaniel (she's better, frankly), Genie Francis is no Olivia de Havilland, but none of that matters much alongside epic storytelling done so well.

We start in 1842, Charleston, South Carolina.  To show how rich Patrick Swayze's family is, we first see his sisters skipping through the entire row of shacks where the slaves live, not even noticing the poor souls as they make merriment.  Anyway, Patrick is leaving and the house staff is gathered to send him off to West Point.  Mama Jean Simmons and Papa Mitchell Ryan are there, and those too plucky little sisters.  How Jean Simmons had two daughters under 10 by the grace of nature is never quite explained.  Or, for that matter, is the insane age disparity between Patrick and his little sisters. 

Patrick is riding off at a comfortable gallop, when nearby a carriage loses its horses.  Patrick goes over to rescue the inhabitants, but there is a snake in the overturned carriage, which Patrick bravely tosses off with a parasol.  Immediately taking note of his presence are slave Olivia Cole (in her umpteenth miniseries appearance) and her mistress, Lesley-Anne Down.  As Lesley-Anne tries to explain herself, Patrick just stares at her, having obviously just met the love of his life.  He volunteers to escort her.  "I haven't told you where we're going," Lesley-Anne wisely says, lashes batting.  Naturally, she is headed to a neighboring plantation, so Patrick scoops her up on his horse to take her there.  With a Creole accent as big as her raised eyebrow, Olivia watches in disbelief, probably more because they have left her standing there alone (with some vague promise of sending someone along for her and the luggage), but she would be flat-out laughing if she watched Lesley-Anne maneuver Patrick on their slow ride through the bountiful woods.  "Oops, I dropped something she says," all but throwing a hanky off the horse.  Patrick dismounts to get it and they kiss.  "I've never met anyone like you...I'd be honored if you'd write me at the military academy," Patrick says, smitten faster than anyone in the South even talks, let alone falls in love.

Lesley-Anne's father Lee Bergere, is already at the appointed plantation destination, walking around it with David Carradine, who offers a julep to Lee when Patrick comes riding along with Lesley-Anne.  She tells the harrowing story of the carriage, and Patrick, running his hands through his long lustrous hair like it was a shampoo commercial, adds, "anybody would have done the same thing." 

A few days later, Patrick arrives in New York City, where manners are obviously a thing of the past, the carriage driver simply tossing his luggage off the carriage.  A bunch of toughs push him around and insist on carrying his baggage to the depot...for $2.  Patrick is forced to fight them, but it's many against one, so he's losing until James Read helps him, the two cracking wise as they dispense with the thugs.  "I had no idea this trip would be so eventful," Patrick tells James.  He ain't kidding!  In less than 20 minutes, he's rescued a woman, killed a snake, fallen in love and now met the Irish.

"You're my first damn Yankee!" Patrick says on the train as he and Patrick admit each is the first Northern/Southern man he has met.  Just so we're clear that Patrick is a good guy, he adds, "some of us think slavery is outdated."  He also believes "mechanization is the key to the future," convenient since James' family owns an ironworks, but all of that will have to wait until after military school.  James has yearned forever to be a soldier and isn't worried about West Point, though Patrick fears the hazing and the "book learning."  James rips a $10 bill in half, to be returned by Patrick with a fresh $10 bill when he graduates.  You can already picture the scene, long in the future, when this happens. 

Back in Charleston, David is guaranteeing that President Tyler will wage war against Mexico over Texas.  "I encourage my daughter to read and question, sir.  She has an excellent mind," Lee tells David as Lesley-Anne shows her knowledge of world politics.  David isn't interested in her mind, but her cleavage sure seems inviting. 

"It's like I always knew it would be...only better!" James says like he's discovered Santa's workshop, when really it's just West Point, with the cadets going through drills like cutting fruit in half with swords.  James, Patrick and the rest of the newbies, each with no more than a small chest to contain two year's worth of belongings, are told by the cadet they encounter that they are "things," rather than plebes.  Roommate Andy Stahl is mighty angry to meet a man who owns slaves and tries to force Patrick out of the room.  You see, Andy's pa owns a small tobacco farm and because it's in the North and he has no slaves, he can't compete with Patrick's "kind."  Luckily, James steps in again to moderate the situation, keeping tempers from bubbling over. 

Literally seconds after Lesley-Anne tells David that Olivia is a free woman and her father does not believe in slavery, a slave pouring her coffee spills it.  Lesley-Anne apologizes to the slave and goes to change, leaving David to belt the poor girl across the face.  As if his angry faces and pushy demeanor haven't given us enough clues, he's officially the heavy. 

The drillmaster at West Point is hunky Philip Casnoff, who wastes no time in revealing his personality by lambasting Andy for not believing in slavery and Patrick for apparently believing South Carolina men are better than those from Georgia.  James is not at all cowed by Philip, managing to be snide enough to force Philip to seethe, while Patrick works hard to stifle a laugh.  "I shall use you to demonstrate a fundamental principle of marching, sir," Philip snaps at James, ordering him and Patrick to step forward and hold two buckets full of water at 90-degree angles to their bodies and kick their legs like Rockettes without spilling any of the water.  Patrick takes to it naturally, being a graceful dancer, of course, but James has a tougher time with this idiotic drill.  Philip keeps them going for a very long time, and it's Patrick who is the first to fall.  Only the intervention of Philip's superior ends the exercise.  Not just any superior, by the way, but Sam Grant, otherwise known to history as Ulysses.  In fact, nearly every famous Civil War general happens to be a part of the little clique, including Jackson and McClellan. 

Patrick Swayze fans can rejoice.  He gets a shirtless scene, but only briefly to write a letter.  James is also shirtless, but covered by a blanket and asleep.  I don't think anyone is really waiting for his shirtless scene, no offense.  The letter is, of course, intended for Lesley-Anne.  He writes to her that the training his hell, but thinking of her gets him through it.  Her Papa tells her that David is coming to town and she says she'll make sure he is wonderfully welcomed.  "Of course, Papa, he's your friend!" she says, causing Lee to turn away in dismay, his otherwise brilliant daughter not having caught onto the fact that she's being set up for matrimony. 

"You hold your saber like a ho, sir," Philip rails at poor Andy, who is not much of a soldier.  Philip seems to take great pleasure in attacking poor Andy.  "On the battlefield, you'd be cut to ribbons...and rightly so!  You, sir, are the sorriest excuse for a soldier I've ever seen," Philip snaps, cutting Andy in the neck for good measure and then turning his fury to Patrick.  Patrick's tresses flow in the wind as he shows Philip what a great swordsman can do, much to Philip's obvious dismay.  Patrick soon knocks Philip down and the intercession of Sam Grant, again, stops an imminent smack-down between the two. 

As time passes, Lesley-Anne mopes because Patrick has stopped writing to him.  A stern lecture from Olivia doesn't help matters as Lesley-Anne whimpers, but David arrives, hot for her.  When he tells her to call him by his first name, she's not happy.  He's brought her a gift, a music box with a unicorn on it.  She forgets how much she dislikes the man because "I just love surprises," and like a true dimwit daughter of the times, she only needs a new toy to amuse her. 

Patrick is in a snit too, because he's not taking to the book learning part of being a cadet, but James realizes Patrick isn't upset over facts and figures.  Patrick hasn't had a letter from Lesley-Anne in a long time either.  But, before we can get too far into that fluff, Andy announces he has to leave West Point because his father has had an accident and he has to now run the farm.  "If there's anything we can do..." Patrick offers, being a gentleman, only to get another one of Andy anti-slave owner tirades.  "You can save your sympathy and go to the bank with all your money," Andy snaps at Patrick.  Geez, didn't he get the note that Patrick is deep-down against slavery? 

James decides to take Patrick off-campus to the local tavern, even though he and Patrick "have more demerits than anyone else," but James says no one would go out on a cold winter night.  Naturally, Philip spies them leaving the barracks.  Patrick has a plan to keep Andy at West Point.  He and James will give him their allowances as a loan.  NOW we can get back to the silly stuff, Patrick's huff at not hearing from Lesley-Anne.  Oops, conversation interrupted again because Philip is following them and they are forced to run through the snow to avoid him.  Philips falls through a hole in the ice.  "That ought to slow him down," James says, ready to leave him there, but of course Patrick is way too heroic a character to let that happen and he saves Philip's life.  Philip is anything but pleased, "and that gracious thank you made it all worth it," James sarcastically notes.  Patrick has developed a terrible cough from his exposure to the elements.  He begs Philip to let him go to the infirmary, but permission is denied and he's given extra guard duty instead.  I bet Philip hates kittens too.  That's about the only thing that would make him more evil.

Who comes to Patrick's rescue as he's collapsing in the cold?  Yup, Grant.  He offers to have Patrick relieved of the duty, but Patrick refuses, which shows Grant how tough our Patrick really is before he falls face down in the snow.  Luckily, Grant doesn't listen to Patrick and sends relief, making sure Patrick ends up in the infirmary.  James and Andy visit him, joking about awful Philip, but Andy also has to apologize to Patrick for thinking so lowly about Southerners because he's accepted the loan.  What about letters from Lesley-Anne?  Patrick coughs too much to say more than a word about it.

Eighteen months later, James takes Patrick home to meet his family, most notably father John Anderson, mother Inga Swenson and sister Kirstie Alley.  "Do you keep slaves...are you evil?" Kirstie asks Patrick upon meeting him.  She's a staunch abolitionist, believing it's "God's truth," though her family taunts her for her views.  Patrick finds the ironworks "a revelation."  He also sees the workers there, living in squalor.  "At least our workers have a choice," James tries to offer, defending his system, not much better than slavery.  "I guess there's room for improvement on both sides," James says, since it's impossible for these two to ever disagree.  "That's why I want to learn from you Yankees," Patrick replies, still eager to open a factory in the South to make the cotton industry more efficient.  Talk of war with Mexico comes up at the dinner table, with Kirstie obviously against it, and everyone dropping Presidential names like Polk and Taylor, as if that makes the writing smarter.  James just hopes he and Patrick "don't graduate too late to miss it."  Kirstie goes wild ripping into Patrick about slavery, even leaving the table!  Yes, folks, Kirstie Alley walked away from a meal. 

Finally, after two years, Patrick can return to home, but he stops in Charleston to see Lesley-Anne first, never having forgotten his love for her despite their lack of letter trading.  No one answers the door when he shows up, told by a passing peddler that the house has been closed for a week (the week it took Patrick to get back from Pennsylvania, FYI).  So, Patrick trots off to see his own family.  Oh, he remembers them, how lovely.  Patrick tells his obviously ailing father about his ideas.  "We can't ignore progress...every year, the South counts for less on a national level, because we cling to manual labor," Patrick tries to teach his dad, but not sounding particularly convincing.  To make the slavery matter worse, the new overseer (Tony Frank), whips the slaves, which Patrick says "we don't do" at his plantation.  He shames the overseer in front of the entire slave population.  Uh oh, another enemy for Patrick!  But, Tony's actions are defended by his father, though their arguments are ended by Mama Jean announcing that they are invited to a wedding.  Who is getting married?  Well Lesley-Anne, of course...to David!  Lesley-Anne is a most miserable bride, hesitating on the "i do" portion of the wedding, and only getting it out a second before Patrick rides up to see he's too late (and to see David plant a really creepy kiss on his new wife). 

After gulping down a glass of wine, Patrick confronts Lee, who tells him he's the one who arranged the marriage, and Patrick rushes to leave.  Lesley-Anne catches him on the way out and both reveal they have been writing to each other the whole time.  "Papa, it was Papa!  He destroyed your letters," she finally realizes.  A heart-broken Patrick returns the handkerchief she once gave him as David arrives to pull her away, making a snide remark to Patrick as he does.  Lesley-Anne, also upset, has it worse: she has to face David and her wedding night.  "You're always so distant, but not tonight," David drunkenly says and then rips her wedding dress off her in order to rape his way into the marital bed.  Once David passes out, Lesley-Anne takes the handkerchief Patrick has returned to her and slides down the wall crying.  Patrick is at his plantation having...oh no...another glass of wine!  Thus ends the first portion.

Back to West Point, still 1844.  Patrick is not performing at his usual level, either on the field or in the classroom, because his mind is still occupied with having lost Lesley-Anne.  "It's impossible.  She's out of your reach now," James tells him.  His solution for his friend's gloom is to send him to the local whore.  Nope, that doesn't work either.  Olivia has the same advice for Lesley-Anne: "what good is it, remembering?"  But, there's no male hooker for Lesley-Anne.  She only has David.  "What kind of man is he?" Olivia hisses when they hear David returning.  Duh!  That's why Lesley-Anne is so doubly upset. 

Philip has had to pull back on his nasty antics toward Patrick and James, under the protection of upper classmen, but Andy is under no such protection, so that's just where Philip directs his ire.  He sends Andy out on a riding course on the horse Satan, all but a death ride since Andy is terrible on even the easiest of horses.  When Andy falls off the horse and tumbles away, Philip sends his horse back alone and coos, "good boy" to Satan.  Andy is injured from head to toe, but he refuses to name Philip for fear of retaliation. 

However, the men at West Point aren't stupid (well, okay, not all of them) and the powers-that-be haul Philip into a tribunal, where he out and out lies and they are forced to believe him.  So, James forges a plan to have one of Philip's superiors catch him with that same local whore.  It works, he's caught by his superiors, but the whore spills James' name, so you can bet there will be all sorts of vengeance in Philip's mind, especially since he's been "dismissed from this Academy...You two have conspired to rob me of a military career...Let me tell you this, I have friends in high places and one day, I will be highly placed, very highly placed, and you be on your guard because I won't forget you two.  I won't forget you to ever," the charming SOB rails at Patrick and James before he is banished.  Patrick warns that they will have to be on their guard.  "How long," James wonders aloud, "the rest of our lives?"  I'm afraid so, kiddo.  That's the way bad guys in miniseries work.  They live forever, just to spite the heroes any chance they get.

Two years pass and our boys are graduating.  James hasn't forgotten his bet with Patrick and Patrick pays up, even though he graduated near the bottom of their class, "and you pulled me up every inch of the way," Patrick thankfully says.  James has graduated at the top, but picked the infantry so he can go to Mexico with his pals.

There's a huge party at the mansion that is certainly no Tara.  Proud Papa Mitchell hosts the fete, in honor of both Patrick and James.  There is no North-South hatred with James around, thankfully.  I guess that's because everyone is too busy hating the Mexicans to hate each other.  Even the dialogue is cut-rate "Gone With the Wind."  "Oh, fee!" one of Patrick's little sisters grunts when told it's time for her nap.  David and Lesley-Anne show up for the party and James connives to have the would-be lovers spend some time alone.  "You don't love him.  You are not his," Patrick says.  "I could never be yours," Lesley-Anne responds.  Yes, we've covered that now...a few times. 

I spoke too soon.  There is some North-South bitterness, naturally coming from the mouth of David.  He is the first to speak of the dreaded secession, but book-rearded Lesley-Anne quiets the entire house when she tells everyone that the South "can't survive on speeches," since the industry is all up North, but David shuts her up in front of everyone, dragging her outside.  Lesley-Anne believes she's "entitled to my own views," but David sneers that she's not allowed to have a thought outside of his.  "If you ever speak out and embarrass me on any subject, every again, you will suffer as you have never suffered before," he warns, grabbing her face.  It's the same prophesy of doom that Philip basically issued.  Let's hope the two of them never get together because so far we don't have two other men to complete the quartet needed to make up the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.  Patrick follows Lesley-Anne down to the river and begs her to meet him at an abandoned church the next day. 

Mitchell is forced to have the overseer "take care" of a slave who got drunk because he saw the overseer trying to mack on his girl.  James is horrified at the thought of what will happen to David Harris David Harris, and Patrick warns him not to do anything.  "You are a guest in my father's house and don't you forget it," he warns.  Wait, isn't this the same Patrick who told the overseer there was to be no more physical abuse of the slaves?  Priam is branded, and now Patrick does indeed yell at his father for allowing it.  Hmmm, that's awfully inconsistent, isn't it? 

Forget slavery, Patrick has his rendezvous with Lesley-Anne and shows up for it in a cape, like the hero of a French novel.  Lesley-Anne is already there, dressed in black, always the color to use when meeting your heart's desire.  They go through the usual, "I love you but we can't be together" round of dialogue we could expect from this type of scene.  Two people with hair as perfect as these cannot be separated forever and they kiss.  When Lesley-Anne pulls away, she says, "I want it as much as you do, but if we were lovers, you would never be free."  I'm not sure that makes complete sense, for a Southern man could certainly have a mistress, and if they were careful to hide their love from David, they could manage it.  Ah, well, we have hours and hours left to worry about them.

"I'm not sure they could care for themselves.  They are like children," Patrick tells James when James explodes about the ills of slavery again.  Patrick's take on the whole branding episode is that the slave "shamed my father" and had to be punished.  Patrick is in a foul mood and he doesn't back down on slavery this time.  "We are sick and tired of Yankees coming down and telling us how to run our lives...this is our way of life, it has been for over a hundred year," Patrick notes.  Only one hundred years?  No wonder this kid was second from the bottom in school.  He also takes the opportunity to remind James about the shanty folks used as workers in his Northern factory.  "We are good friends and if we want to keep that friendship, there are certain things we can never say to each other, certain things we can never talk about, Patric chides dramatically.  James diffuses the situation by noting, as I did earlier, "we're supposed to be fighting Mexicans, not each other." 

Philip goes to one of his powerful friends, Senator Charles Edwards (Gene Kelly, yes, that Gene Kelly, in one of his trademark toupees) of Ohio, to arrange a commission for him in the Mexican War.  Philip is Charles' illegitimate son.  "I've paid dearly for that mistake," Charles tells Philip when he reminds him of that fact.  Philip agrees to keep the secret if Charles gets him the commission.  Those of you who like to take your miniseries characters in for a bit of analysis will certainly make the connection between Philip being the bastard son of a powerful man who never knew his own mother and the anger with which he abuses the world.  Those of you who don't like to take your miniseries characters in for a bit of analysis will wonder what the hell Gene Kelly is doing in "North and South." 

It's the Battle of Churubusco, 1847.  It's fought initially in slow motion, but finally returns to normal speed when we see our leading men involved.  James and Patrick order their men behind a protective wall to fight, but it's too late for some and the casualty count is high.  Amid the carnage, Philip shows up as the commanding officers, saying "this is the reunion I promised you gentlemen" before sending Patrick on a crazy scout.  James dares to intercede, so he gets sent along.  They have no choice but to obey.  Philip watches with glee as Patrick and James are forced to confront the Mexican Army up close.  Back in slow motion, a cannonball explodes near Patrick and he's wounded.  James throws him over his shoulder and carries him to safety, with Philip clearly miffed. 

Our second legend in ten minutes is Robert Mitchum as an Army doctor who steps in when another doctor says Patrick's leg has to be cut off.  Wait, isn't Robert in the wrong war?  Looking dazed as ever, I don't think he realizes he's not Pug Henry from "Winds of War" and "War and Remembrance."  He hears gunfire, he stands up straight.  That's all Robert Mitchum could do by this point in his career. 

Six months later, Patrick is still hospitalized, but with two legs.  James goes to visit him, but Patrick is out of it and doesn't realize his best friend is there.  As if James isn't stressed enough, his presence at a party that night to celebrate the Armistice is required.  It's a good thing he goes because it's here he spots Wendy Kilbourne, a very pretty blond girl and goes all stupid for love at first sight (not as stupid as Patrick or Lesley-Anne because he's smarter).  Before he can get a dance with Wendy, he thanks Robert Mitchum for helping Patrick.  "It just takes a long time, a wound like that," Robert tells James about Patrick's health, doing so with an Irish brogue.  Guess what?  Wendy is Robert's daughter!  So, because he lives James, he sneakily conspires to get James a dance by spilling all over Wendy's companion.  Wendy's attempt to be fiery and castigate him for slipping into the dance is thwarted by the big smile on her face. 

James goes a-courtin', a dinner arranged by Robert, who purposely didn't tell his daughter.  Apparently, he's trying to give her a reason to stay in the US when he goes back to Ireland and marrying a wonderful man like James is just the ticket.  It's okay since James loves her and she'll get there soon enough.  Brazen James compliments her laugh, and she takes some offense to it, but it's smoothed over.  He goes to Patrick to confess his love.  "She's warm, she's funny, she's beautiful.  She's a first class cook too...when I get up the courage, I'm going to ask her to marry me," James rhapsodizes.  "That's wonderful, I'm very happy for you," Patrick says with all the excitement of a broken stove.  James asks Wendy to marry him, but Wendy is worried that his family will be upset at him marrying a Catholic.  Let's tuck that conflict in here too, why not?  But, she accepts his proposal and they kiss movie-star perfect, not those goony kisses Patrick and Lesley-Anne have given us.  This is mouth open, tongue and all! 

Permanently injured, Patrick has taken to being awfully morose (even a primitive game of baseball doesn't cheer him up.  "You think this will catch on?" James asks).  James reports that his mother is traumatized by his father's death and won't get over it.  "There's some things you never get over," Patrick recounts with funereal charm.  "Anyway," James says, trying to ignore his friend's mood, he's going to retire from the Army and go back to help the family.  "We'll be heroes to the folks back home," James cheerily says before they talk about how awful Philip is, earning the name "Bent the Butcher" from the soldiers.  I think James is only being helpful when he tries to cheer up his lame friend, but Patrick will have no positive talk in his company!

Having resigned from the Army, James goes to find Philip so he can beat the crap out of him.  Philip plays dirty, using a knife, but James is too strong for him.  "If you ever cross me  or my friend again, I'll find you and I'll kill you just as sure as you crippled him," James spits.  Now he's the one with the threats, but that's only going to make Philip angrier. 

James discusses with Wendy the fact that Patrick "has changed" and though he wants him as his best man, he's afraid to ask him, knowing that Patrick is such a sourpuss now.  Wendy suggests James ride off to Patrick's plantation and ask him, and he agrees.  Then the soft music starts, Wendy takes the drink from James' hand and walks him into the bedroom where they kiss.  "Pa won't be home for hours," Wendy flirts and James takes the bait. 

Pouty Patrick arrives home to his clucking family members, but he only wants to be left alone.  How long will the moping go on?  Olivia reports of Patrick's state to Lesley-Anne.  "Wounds heal, but he doesn't, child," sagacious Olivia offers.  She further warns Lesley-Anne never to go help Patrick.  Why?  She doesn't explain, but her tone is strong enough to make Lesley-Anne sit back down.  Then James arrives to have his visit with Patrick, who has taken to drinking, as all psychologically defeated miniseries characters do.  "I don't think you have the judgment of a mule," James chastises his friend for throwing away his life over a wound and a broken heart.  "You have a lot left, a family and friends who care about you...if you keep pouring whiskey on the hurt, there's nobody who's going to help you," James-as-Dr.-Peale says.  When he asks Patrick to be his best man, this finally stirs Patrick from his stupor and he eagerly accepts. 

Mitchell kills the conversation dead when he tells James and Patrick that slave David has run away, because apparently whenever James is around, David feels strong enough to buck the rules.  Lesley-Anne goes to reason with David, having a reputation of being kind to slaves.  She gives him money and tells him to take a train away.  "When it speeds up, you be on it!" she advises, as if that big brand on his face won't make him stand out. 

Mitchell wants David back and Patrick agrees to help.  Over at David's plantation, he's whipping a slave mercilessly while Lesley-Anne watches twitching from the window.  She blames herself because the slave being whipped had helped David.  "It ain't your fault, it's the way things are," Olivia reminds her.  She even blocks the door when Lesley-Anne tries to rush it in order to help a female slave who is next to be whipped.  Luckily, after just one lash, Patrick and company ride up to the plantation.  Lesley-Anne sees her beloved from the window and sends Olivia with a note to give to him, asking him to meet her at their abandoned church again. 

She is once again dressed in somber black and he's sporting a cape.  It's time for their violins to be cued as they fall into each other's arms.  "I don't want you to feel sorry for me," Patrick says, but Lesley-Anne just wants to remind him she still loves him.  That's the magic tonic.  "Right now, I am very much alive," Patrick reports before they go into their bad kissing routine.  The scene is dragged out to interminable length as first a few men ride by and scare them and then by the fact that they take forever with their dialogue.  "This is all we have," Lesley-Anne says as they clinch and the second episode comes to a close.

Part Three starts in 1848, just where we left off.  In fact, Patrick is returning from his tryst with Lesley-Anne and James and Patrick are still terse with each other over the slavery question.  David Harris, the runaway slave, is still on the lam, about to jump on the train that as Lesley-Anne had instructed him, but Patrick and James happen to be at the stop.  Patrick stops David from getting on the train and wants to shoot him to avoid worse at the hands over the overseer (that's hardly believable).  James shouts, "if not for him, do it for me!"  Patrick, though not happy that James has laid a major friend-based guilt trip on him, tells David to free.  Patrick, telling James "I'll always stand up for you," now considers them equal on the "life for a life" issue and tells him never to interfere with his "kind." 

A few weeks later, back up in Pennsylvania, James and Wendy are married, with Patrick there as promised, though precious few other people because the ceremony is in a Catholic church.  At the reception after, James' mother Inga Swenson is "so fond" of Wendy, but she needs to speak to James, Wendy, brother Jonathan Frakes and his wife.  Meanwhile, Patrick bumps into Kirstie Alley, who immediately starts attacking him about the attitudes of Southern men toward female minds.  He volunteers to hear her ideas very gallantly. 

What's Inga's big secret?  James and Jonathan are inheriting the ironworks equally.  This comes as a surprise to petulant Jonathan, the eldest brother.  "And now I think we should all return to our guests," Inga chirps, as though she hasn't just majorly changed every one's lives. 

Kirstie's news is that she is making her first public abolition speech in Philadelphia and invites Patrick to listen.  "Since your brother and I have become friends, I have become interested in the Northern point of view," Patrick says.  Wait a minute!  Is this the same man who tore into James a few scenes earlier about not understanding why the South needs slaves?  Inconsistencies are okay when they are in the minds of intelligent conflicted characters.  Patrick's character is way too dim to be smart to understand two sides of this gigantic issue.  Inga interrupts once again interrupts, this time to invite Patrick and his whole family to spend the summer at their lake house.  Kirstie pips in with, "Mother, we need to call the architects so we can put up slave quarters in the back!"  As usual, James smooths a rough situation by telling Patrick it's time for the best man's toast. 

A week later, it's time for Kirstie's abolition speech.  It starts with a rousing singing and clapping anthem.  Then, Robert Guillaume, playing Frederick Douglass, without his signature pompadour, gets to speak.  He does good work, acing the hypnotism that Douglass was known to possess.  Finally, it's Kirstie's Turn.  "The true crop of a Southern plantation is a human crop...nothing more than black breeding farms, giant bordellos owned and operated by a degeneration aristocracy," she starts, rising with furious aplomb as Patrick gets noticeably uncomfortable.  Even James thinks Kristie went to far.  When Patrick is stopped trying to leave, he snaps, "I have to catch a train for South Carolina, I have some blacks to breed!"  It looks like his equivocation has finally ended and he's taken a side.

Congressman David Ogden Stiers is infatuated with Kristie's speech and "physical presentation" and invites her to dinner, but she declines as he is married. 

We need more proof that slavery is bad, so we return to David Carradine's plantation, where he browbeats Lesley-Anne for helping David Harris escape and for playing midwife to the slave children instead of giving him his own son that he wants so desperately.  "You say away from those blacks sluts, you understand me?" he warns.  "I'm watching you, remember that!"  So, she hightails it to her safe place, the ruined church where she and Patrick share their private moments.  In his cape, he shows up moments later.  "I've ridden by a hundred times hoping you would be here," he starts off before they descend into typical schmaltzy dialogue and more of that strangely awful kissing.  This time, though, we get to see them disrobing (more shirtless Patrick) and getting into a very brazen sex scene for the mid-80s.  The soft focus lens is used, but it doesn't hide the fact that Lesley-Anne is shirtless too.  Their orgasmic faces and the crashing music don't leave anything to the imagination either.  These two are in serious need of a mattress.  Doing it on the gravel in the burnt-out church is not cool.

After sex usually comes violence.  There's a giant explosion at the ironworks.  James goes into the burning building to rescue anyone he can.  He bravely pulls out one man and then wants to know how it blew up.  James had ordered the factory reinforced so pressure would never blow up the building, but brother Jonathan had canceled the order to save money.  Not only does James insist that they reinforcements be put up, but $5000 is to be given to every family who lost a man.  Jonathan refuses, since he has the access to the checkbook, but Inga lists all of Jonathan's mistakes that led up to the explosion and moves control of the money to James.  Jonathan and his wife Wendy Fulton vow to "get back everything your brother has stolen from us," another of those anything-but-gingerly delivered revenge promises that the the villains here love so much. 

Five years pass and Patrick's father is being buried.  His sisters have grown up into Terri Garber and Genie Francis, while his cousin is now Lewis Smith.  Patrick is now head of the house, master of the plantation.  He first tries to comfort Mama Jean Simmons, who assures Patrick that his father really did love him before dissolving into an old-style crying fit. 

Lewis feels like an outsider taken in for the sake of charity by his family, as he confides into slave Erica Gimpel, whom he obviously loves. 

As Erica listens behind a tree, Patrick's first big decision as owner of the plantation is to fire the dreaded overseer.  "You hear me.  The day may come when you regret throwing me out like this.  I promise you that," he threatens.  Add another fuming villain to the pack of people who hate Patrick.  Fired Tony Frank goes to get drunk, but finds Lewis already blotto at the bar.  They argue and a fight starts.  Lewis literally tosses Tony out of the bar, but then has the rest of its denizens piling upon him.  It's only Patrick, swooping in with a cape on his sword (again, is this Dumas?) and breaks up the fight.  "A gentleman does not lower himself to a fistfight with a lout like [Tony]," Patrick rants, making Lewis even angrier at his kinsman.  Is there ANYONE Patrick can please other than Lesley-Anne? 

Since they were girls, Patrick's sisters have born the mark of miniseries obviousness.  Terri Garber plays the bad sister, the troublemaker, who is a brunet, while Genie Francis, overflowing with blond hair, is so sweet butter wouldn't melt in her mouth, to use a corny expression of the day.  In a direct rip-off from "Gone With the Wind," Genie has to use real force to truss Terri into her corset.  Terri has a crush on cousin Lewis, but it's Jim Meltzer who has come to ask Patrick for Terri's hand in marriage.  Terri finds him "an old man...he's over twenty!"  She doesn't want to marry him, especially because of his "slobbery kisses," which fascinate uber-virginal Genie, who can't understand why Terri would kiss a man she didn't love.  Plus, Jim isn't such a bad catch since he has aspirations for high political office. 

As Patrick is giving his approval, Jean storms into report Lewis has gotten into trouble again.  He has been caught fooling around with an engaged woman and the woman's fiance wants to duel with Lewis.  Patrick reminds him not only are duels against the law, but Lewis is too young.  The duel will take place at Six Oaks (see, it's a cheap "GWTW" which called a plantation Twelve Oaks).  Patrick agrees to be Lewis' second to save the family "from further disgrace."  "I can't have you dying on me and sullying the family man," Patrick says, rushing Lewis into quick training since they have only 72 hours before the duel.  Luckily, we're spared a "Rocky"-style montage of training sessions, but Patrick does have to drill the boy with toughness. 

The day of the duel arrives, though it's supposed to be 6:00 AM and it sure as hell looks about high noon.  "I know you are scared and that's to your advantage.  That peacock over there is too stupid to be scared," Patrick says, giving his last bits of advice to Lewis.  Wayward cousins have bonded very nicely.  When the shots are fired, Lewis' opponent proves cowardly and everyone applauds Lewis for his bravery and gallantry in not killing his opponent.  Patrick even gets Lewis to wear a matching cape to cement their new found friendship.  It's lucky Lewis came along because Patrick is in dire need of a friend, James being so far away in space and ideology.  Lewis wants to "be a man of honor, like you," to learn the gentlemanly code.  Hell, he even wants to go to West Point.  Patrick thinks he lacks the education, but is willing to get Lewis some tutoring to prepare him for the exam.

The family summit between James and Patrick's families does actually happen, with Kirstie getting in an early dig by saying Inga "has worked like a slave" planting her beloved roses.  Patrick and James discuss possible secession.  "If South Carolina secedes, a lot of other states will follow, and we'll all have to choose sides," James says with dire warning. 

Genie has a crush on John Stockwell, James' other brother who will be attending West Point with Lewis.  Terri can't let her sister be happy, so she flirts obviously with John, much to Genie's dismay.  Kirstie corners poor Jean and lays out her plan for abolition, though Jean tries to slink out of the discussion by saying she knows nothing of politics.  But, Terri sticks up for the South's side and then the whole gang gets into an argument.  "Slave owners are nothing more than whore masters," Kirstie declaims and Patrick wants to pack up the family to leave, but Kirstie volunteers to stay in her room for the duration of the visit to avoid them.  Mediator James gets everyone to agree to stay.

Patrick brings up his long-lost dream of building a cotton mill in South Carolina and James agrees to it, with one condition: "no slave labor."  Jonathan and his wife Wendy think it's a "silly little adventure" and that they will lose all of their money, causing Inga to turn back control to Jonathan.

Terri's overtures to John show her to be a true woman of the world.  She holds a bunch of berries at her cleavage and offers them to him, putting one in her mouth and making him take it from her.  But, John resists.  He cares about her, but not in that way.  "If you care about me, you wouldn't be such a damn gentleman, she hisses to him.

The summer visit is over and Jean invites Inga and family to come down to South Carolina.  The two widows have become close, and of course James and Patrick have their factory to build.  Kirstie, watching from her balcony, having kept her promise to stay out of sight, fumes as everyone parts. 

When Lesley-Anne shows up at her special church, she hears the sounds of sex going on.  It's her husband David Carradine and a young slave girl.  She tries to run, but he catches and beats her.  "She was giving me what you won't," he uses as vindication and then leaves huge welts on her exposed back.  Patrick, with cape, happens to be just feel away and is able to come to the aid of his beloved.  Patrick vows to kill David, though Lesley-Anne tries to dissuade him.

Wendy has some news for James.  No, she's not pregnant.  She merely wants their home to "be a stop on the Underground Railroad."  James worries about the risks, but she takes him to a cabin where a slave is being treated for horrible wounds.  "You're safe here with us," James assures the man and of course agrees to Wendy's proposition, with one condition, that they tell no one other than Inga, though Jonathan's wife Wendy overhears the conversation.  Later on, James worries about how Patrick will react to this, but Wendy thinks he'll come around.  Plus, with the family traveling to South Carolina soon, they are going to have to confront slavery head on.  Kirstie wants to go, but James says no.  However, when Wendy reminds James that if she goes, perhaps Jonathan and his Wendy probably will not go, he's more convinced.  "Taking you into South Carolina is like taking a torch into a power magazine," he chides Kirstie, but she promises to be "good as gold," not to even discuss abolition, volunteering to swear it on a Bible.  James takes her up on that offer. 

We're halfway there now.

Part Four picks up with James' family visiting Patrick's in South Carolina in 1854.  The Southerners give their Northern friends a gigantic ball.  All Inga provided was a tour of the garden!  All of our leads are in one room, most notably.  For some reason, Jim picks James' brother John of all people to pick a fight with over slavery.  James tells Lesley-Anne that she's missing her spirit, and notes that Patrick seems the same.  "That's the tragedy of feeling sorry for one's self.  It obliterates sympathies for others," Lesley-Anne snorts.  Terri Garber sees William Ostrander talking to Genie Francis, so she immediately swoops in to take him for herself, insisting he show her his prize horse.  "Maybe I'll ride him myself," Terri oozes.  As a flirt she's shameless, but she goes way far beyond that.  Her double entendres are not exactly period-ideal.  John has been fixated on Terri, but Lewis tells him to try for Genie instead, because she's actually good.  So, he does. 

Kirstie slips out of the party, lights a cigarette and then heads over to the slaves quarters.  In a ball gown and all but choking with diamonds, she definitely sticks out.  She meets Georg Stanford Brown, Jim's coachman and extends her hand to shake his.  Terri and William have sex on a pile of cotton.  She tells him that even if she has to marry Jim, "I will still want you."  He doesn't object and they get back to lust when John catches them.  She's upset, but William, who has a body to die for, picks her up with a kiss and deposits her back on the cotton for more. 

John is now definitely smitten with Genie, but like a gentleman, the kiss he gives her is very pure.  Terri sees it and goes rabid, tells John "he's not man enough" to do what William did to her and then slaps him.  As for Kirstie, she goes out riding with Patrick's slave Forest Whitaker, and tries to quiz him about whether he's "happy being a slave...working for people no better than you," but a rainstorm is of more concern to Forest.  On their ride, they come across Georg, whose body, obvious through a rain-soaked white shirt, is pleasing to Kirstie.  Kristie gets in his coach and invites him in, telling him about her work.  She wants to help free him.  "I'll do anything to prove you can trust me, that I accept you as an equal," she says.  "You wants to lay with me because I'm something different," he responds, seeming to refuse, but then he kicks the door of the coach off as an excuse to get them to an abandoned farm building.  "Are you sure you wants this?" he asks as he's touching her face, and off they go, through a vicious storm to do it.  Before they start, Georg is clear with Kirstie that he's not having sex with her just because she wants it, but because he wants it too.

The next morning, Patrick and James go in search of Kirstie.  At dinner that night, Kirstie goes out of her way to thank Jim for Georg's protection the previous night.  Jim says that's the what he expects of Georg, "more loyal than a highland."  That night, Kirstie gives Georg money and an address of a friend in Philadelphia.  "Go quickly.  I'll be with you soon," she tells him, not knowing that Terri has overheard the entire conversation.  At breakfast, after Terri gets in some jabs at the Northern family, Jim storms in and demands to know if Kirstie has helped Georg escape.  Terri tells all that she saw Kirstie and Georg together and Jim is furious, calling Kirstie an "abolitionist whore" and John goes to punch him.  Patrick orders Jim to leave, but Kirstie wants to make sure he has an answer to his question as to whether she helped Georg.  She proudly admits it.  "One day,  you're all going to see what's about to happen here, and when you do, God help you," she shouts at everyone assembled and flounces off.  The argument doesn't end when Kirstie leaves, and Patrick decides that James and his family should leave.  John kisses Genie goodbye, causing Terri to sniff, "you've already taken advantage of my brother's hospitality, don't think you can take advantage of my sister's," just to be pissy.  Worst of all, Patrick and James leave having decided not to see each other until everyone cools down and forgets what happened. 

Lesley-Anne rushes to her father's bedside when she is told he's dying.  This is our first true deathbed scene in "North and South," and Lee takes full advantage of doing that whispering over-acting thing.  Scenes like these always reveals a secret and Lee has a doozy for his daughter.  "You great grandmother was a Negress," he informs her (as if the make-up they've been using on Lesley-Anne hasn't been a clue since the first time we met her) and then dies.  Olivia has known the truth, but never told Lesley-Anne for fear that she would be hurt, and insists only the two of then should ever know the truth, especially since hubby David Carradine would kill Lesley-Anne if he found out. 

Kirstie and Georg are now married.  When did that happen and how did it happen?  Even up North, a bi-racial marriage would have been nearly impossible.  A black abolitionist leader wants Georg to speak at rallies, but he's not interesting.  Simply talking about slavery does nothing.  Kirstie and Georg believe that violence is the answer.  Georg and Kirstie are not living in splendor, but rather a hovel in the middle of winter, and Georg wonders "why in God's name did you ever marry me," since he feels his life is even harder now.  Kirstie's answer is that they are locked in war together, though their extreme views are pulling them from the mainstream abolitionist movement.  One of their weapons is "Uncle Tom's Cabin," which they feel will ignite the spark of violence they desire.

A copy of the dreaded book is sent to Patrick and his family.  Patrick once again tries to have it both ways in discussing it with Genie.  He feels the book is lies, but she reminds him how poorly he reacted to the whole business with Kirstie and Georg. 

With Lewis and John graduating from West Point, the two families are once again brought together.  Lewis and John are "best friends, just like we were," Patrick notes to James.  The use of the past tense is notable.  Terri slobbers over the whole cadet corps.  She fully admits to Genie that she'll marry Jim for his power, but have others.  "I can't love just one man.  Think how disappointed the rest would be," Terri cautions in the entire miniseries best line.  We have had villains, but sluts are a whole different matter and Terri injects some much-needed sex to the rather chaste proceedings.  Lewis is being sent to Texas under the command of Robert E. Lee and John is off to engineering duty in Washington.  John and Genie get a private moment together, though it's interrupted by obnoxious Terri, who plants a giant kiss on John, evoking Genie's ire.  She knows she can't have him, but she can have a random cadet who has been eyeing her. 

Genie and John duck out of a ball where John confesses his love to Genie.  "I can't imagine what it would be like not to love you," he tells her and then proposes.  She tearfully accepts.  Terri sneaks off with her cadet.  As she unbuttons his uniform, she talks about having seen many a man naked because when new slaves are bought, they are stripped.  The cadet offers to give her a button from his coat as a token of their time together.  "This little girl wants more," she drawls as she pushes the cadet onto a table. 

In the two years since they have seen each other, James has missed Patrick a great deal and Patrick says he shouldn't have blames James for Kirstie's behavior.  James wants John and Genie to get married, but Patrick will not give his consent.  Northern and Southern attitudes are too tense.  "A Southern girl being married to a Northern officer, what would their life be like?" Patrick asks, but James is a romantic, hoping still that the two halves of the country will come to an agreement. 

Terri wants to go another round with her cadet, but he's tired, offering up his friends instead.  Terri will happily sleep with any man who is a friend of John's in the most warped revenge plan we've yet encountered.  Terri starts collecting her buttons (six for now), but when Lewis finds out, he's furious.  Terri gives him a fake sob story about her "lost honor," but he doesn't buy it and slaps her.  "You want me, I know you do," Terri snaps back, and she knows Lewis would never tell anyone because the family would be horrified.  "I'm only sorry he [John] doesn't have any more friends," she coos to an irate Lewis and storms out.

We haven't seen Patrick and Lesley-Anne do the deed in their abandoned church in a while.  Let's go catch up with them.  Lesley-Anne is depressed because of dreams she's been having, which leaders her to tell him the truth about her mixed blood heritage.  "To some people, my skin might as well be coal black," she notes, but Patrick vows stick with her.  And once again, this character seems to play Mr. North and Mr. South at the same time.  He actually volunteers to take her away so her husband will never find out, but she reminds him about his family and he says, "you mean more to me than anything else in the world" and puts her first.  They agree to meet in three days at the abandoned church, with only Olivia in on the plans.  Anyone want to bet this somehow goes awry? 

Terri shows up at Lesley-Anne's with a big problem: she's pregnant by one of the West Point cadets, although in her retelling of the story, it was only one cadet.  She can't have the baby, obviously, and she seems to think Lesley-Anne has contacts who can give her an abortion.  "I don't believe it's right to ruin so many lives because of one night of passion," Lesley-Anne admits, though she doesn't condone the behavior, but is willing to help Terri.  "No one must ever know, for both of our sakes," Lesley-Anne cautions her.  The next day, they drift through the swamps with Olivia to a woman who performs abortions.  "There's an evil streak running through her blood," the abortionist tells Lesley-Anne and further warns her to be careful of Terri, because she won't hesitate to sell Lesley-Anne's secrets for her advantage. 

When Lesley-Anne gets home, David is waiting for her, quizzing her on her activities that day.  Why did she go to shop and not bring home anything.  Which hotel did she eat at?  She can't answer, but David knows the truth because he went to Charleston and tried to track her down.  He first slaps Lesley-Anne, then does the same to Olivia.  He drags Lesley-Anne upstairs, throws furniture around the room and then locks her in the room until she tells him the truth.  "Rot in here for all I care," she says with fierce malice in his voice. 

With Lesley-Anne locked in her room, she can't meet cape-wielding Patrick at their appointed time.  He waits for her as long as he can.  Patrick goes to her plantation to inquire about her, but David feeds him some lies.  The servants are allowed to give her only a few pieces a bread a day and no water for washing.  Just as Olivia is about to unlock the door for Lesley-Anne, David comes and throws her down the stairs to her death, which brings a smile to his face and Part Four is now over. 

Terri, about to be married in a few weeks, is over her abortion and still on the prowl with other men.  She of course spends some time bashing Genie's love for John.  Genie responds by saying "we will be married and I'll have a dozen children."  "That's 12 more than I'll be breeding," Terri retorts.  Once again, Terri gets all the fun stuff to say!  However, the comedic lines don't save these two from seeing like a really low rent Scarlett and Melanie. 

David brings a doctor to check in on Lesley-Anne, pretending that he's concerned about her.  He tells the doctor she refuses to eat, but the doctor mandates she must.  However, she has managed to keep her false eye lashes on this whole time.  The doctor also leaves medicine and orders the windows opened.  David, playing the loving husband, agrees to all of the doctor's conditions...at least while he's standing there.  "I can't believe it.  She's practically starved herself," the clueless doctor opines, with David having fed him lies about her having a mental breakdown.  The medication is laudanum, highly addictive. 

Doped up and sitting outside, Lesley-Anne seems not to even remember Patrick when he saunters by for a visit.  David catches them and sends her back into the house, leaving Patrick confused.

A few weeks later, Terri is finally marrying Jim.  David does bring Lesley-Anne, but she's still in her stupor.  Patrick thinks pushing him away on purpose.  If he were even a tad smarter, he might try to wonder why she's so glazed and blank, but unfortunately, he's not.

Politics is on the minds of many at this wedding.  There's talk of giving Jim a high office in the state of South Carolina or perhaps the Presidency of the states about to secede.  "The first thing I'd do is put an end to those damn abolitionists," he says, like a good Southern politicians.  Terri's old sex partner William is there too, asking Terri for a quick tumble with the guests still there.  She needs him to carry out a plan, but he'll have to wait.  "I refuse to talk business on my wedding day," she says coyly. 

The wedding night scene is particularly fun and trashy.  Terri fights off Jim, saying that she's afraid, and he understands that all brides are nervous for the first time.  Is he upset with her for her "lack of experience?"  "On the contrary, I wouldn't have had it any other way," he responds, not knowing the irony in that statement.  "You'll have to be gentle with me...a little patience and a little understanding is all I ask for," Terri chides and pushes him away.  He doesn't want to wait long, but the master manipulator gets her way. 

When Jim goes to New Orleans on business, Terri pouts to Patrick that she's left alone.  Jim is there for a secession meeting, which Patrick warns her will lead "to the South's downfall."  But, Terri is no fool.  She knows that Patrick can't make up his mind about slavery (for the 53rd time) and goads him, so he sends her back home, disgusted with her. 

At the meeting in New Orleans, Jim gives a rah-rah speech, everyone sings "Dixie," and we meet an old friend we haven't seen in ages!  Yes, folks, meanie Philip Casnoff is back, looking very pleased at Southern pride.  After the ado, Jim, Philip and a few others go over to a spunky whorehouse where a slave dressed in a harem costume greets them at the door.  The gang is worried about Jefferson Davis' particular politics, which are at odds with Jim and Philip's, the latter refusing to serve in an army headed by Davis.

STOP EVERYTHING!  It's time.  It's officially time.  Over six hours into "North and South," we finally get Elizabeth Taylor.  And we get her in glorious movie star fashion, as the Madame of the house, walking down the stairs in an enormous gown, trailed by her waif-like girls.  She looks terrific, pinched so tight in a corset that her breasts enter the room a few seconds ahead of her.  Jim pays for every one's good time and when he's putting his wallet back in his pocket, Jim's wedding picture falls out.  Philip sees Patrick and Lesley-Anne.  He hisses about his time with the former, but can't remember why he recognizes the latter.  In Madame Elizabeth's office, there is a painting of a woman who looks just like Lesley-Anne and now he remembers why he knew her face from the picture.  Madame Elizabeth explains to Philip that the girl in the picture is dead, having left the house years ago for a man.  He asks for more of the story.  The woman is Lesley-Anne's mother, and also a quadroon.  "It is indeed a tragic story," Philip says with faux sincerity, adding "your secret is safe with me, ma'am, I assure you of that." 

Patrick takes Genie along on a trip up North, and when he asks the train conductor if there is a "boy" to see to their luggage, the conductor snaps back, "maybe you should have brought your slaves."  Patrick can't understand this attitude...they are only in Maryland, which is technically still the South.  Genie is now suddenly the voice of reason and calms him down.  Patrick brings James a huge amount of loot from their joint business venture, and James has to admit Kirstie is home.  She only shows up when she needs money, apparently.  "I could accept her marriage, if I understood her reasons for doing it," James says, then brushing away all talk of politics, like he always does, to ask about Lewis, who is off in Mexico.  "Thank God there is one person in our two families that knows who he's fighting and why!" James kids.  Wendy swishes into the room in a gigantic green gown, "a Charles Worth original," that James has bought her for a charity benefit to raise money for a new school.  As everyone is discussing the beautiful gown, in comes prickly Kristie.  She announces she's going to Virginia to work with the legendary John Brown.  Patrick and Kirstie argue and she says that "any man that stands in our way will die in blood and fire and you'll be the first!" she roars, sounding like a brainwashed harpy.  Everyone is revolted by her, but Patrick is particularly vituperative and the two bat gigantic insults back and forth, with Patrick ending with, "it's time for you to back to your Nigger husband!"  James steps in to defend his sister and demands an apology.  "This time I will not apologize," Patrick brays and it looks like the friendship between the two men is over. 

As Wendy sees it, everyone should have apologized, especially Kirstie.  She feels James and Patrick should not let regional differences get in the way of the great friendship, but James is not willing to give up his morals and does not believe in slavery.  The situation also causes problems for John and Genie.  John asks, "do you expect us to wait until the issues of the country are solved?" and actually Patrick thinks it's a good idea, because Genie would never defy her family.  Little Miss Milquetoast loves John, but she does indeed get on the train with Patrick.  At the very last moment, Kirstie boards the train, telling her brother, "I'm going back where I belong." 

The train stops in Harper's Ferry so it can bring us back to the real world swirling around the soap opera plotting.  With a long beard, looking mean, Johnny Cash plays John Brown.  John Brown and his men make everyone get off the train.  Mad John Brown has come from Kansas as the head of a militia meant to free slaves.  Kirstie, fire in his eyes, and Georg are part of John Brown's posse.  Patrick tries to reason with them, to tell them they are in danger, but Georg fumes, "I don't take orders from trash like you.  Not anymore!"  As Georg is about to shoot Patrick, David Harris jumps in.  He tried being a freeman up North, but life wasn't at all pleasant, so he joined John Brown's men.  Because of approaching soldiers, John Brown lets the train go, but Kirstie stays behind with her husband, determined to fight along with her husband.  David is killed in the first round of gunfire and Kirstie runs through the bullets to get David's gun.  Georg rushes to protect her and is killed doing so, with Kirstie wailing over his body.  "You're all murderers!" she yells at the soldiers.  "You think he's dead, don't you?  He's not dead, he's free!" she roars and is taken away. 

Patrick explains to Genie that John Brown got his supplies and money from Northern abolitionists and to fight the increasing sentiment against the North meddling in the South, the country will come apart.  "You're taking about war between us and people that we love," Genie says, as if she hasn't been listening to anything happening the last few years. 

Congressman David Ogden Stiers, who had been so enamored of Kirstie years ago, goes to visit her in the nut house.  Agree with her political ideology or not, she has been pretty damn insane the whole time, but the Congressman is there to rescue her.  She insists on standing trial for her part in the raid on Harper's Ferry, but he tells her that "you can't help the cause by staying here" and she agrees.  Now she needs a bath, because she looks like hell.  The Congressman takes her to his home to clean and feed her, and she relishes the meal while he tells her how he tracked her down.  She is still unapologetic for anything she has done and she tells the Congressman that they were married, which shocks him a bit.  He turns the talk to more personal matters, but Kirstie holds firm: she will not be with a married man.  "I'm rapidly becoming one of the most powerful men in Congress and I generally get what I want," he says to Kirstie, with a tone of assistance and warning.  This whole scene is just bizarre.  What exactly is the Congressman after and why won't Kirstie, smart as she is, use his power? 

James and Wendy watch a political rally in favor of Abraham Lincoln's candidacy and talk of course turns to his relationship with Patrick.  We go in the same circles until Wendy finally informs her husband she's pregnant.  That's good news!  Hooray!  It gives James something to focus on rather than his lost BFF. 

Naturally, Kirstie is anti-Lincoln because he hasn't come out and said he will free the slaves, and of course there is her husband's memory making her so off-center politically that no candidate could really be good enough for her except someone of her own tight circle.

By now, Lesley-Anne (yeah, remember her?) is addicted to the laudanum, unable to remember Olivia is dead or pretty much of the walking dead.  David coos, "I'm a fortunate man" because he has a wife so obedient (via drugs) and pretty (via good luck). 

At the plantation, Patrick is raging drunk and not in the mood to talk to Genie about her issues, which of course mean her beloved John.  She's been waiting for Patrick to sober up so she can address the marriage question, but Patrick is unmoved.  "I don't think you're qualified to make my decisions anymore or even your own," she says, displaying a temper for the first time.  She gives him a dose of reality, telling him he's completely fallen apart since his friendship with James went awry.  He tries to reason with her, that if Lincoln is elected and war comes, her marriage to a Yankee will be very problematic.  "I pity you...you're afraid to let a woman mean something to you," Genie says, trying to get him to understand love, and having no idea that he does love, or did.  He slaps her, she runs out and he crumples in heap of tears. 

A slave rouses Patrick, passed out on the floor, to tell him Genie has left with four trunks and gone to Charleston to live with Terri.  As ever uncaring about events around her, Terri is only interested in her new bonnet and trying to figure out a story that will keep her husband and Patrick at bay.  In truth, Terri still wants Genie's beloved, and Genie suspects it, but Terri denies it. 

Terri hightails it over to sexy William's, reminding him he promised to help her get revenge on Genie and John.  "It's the only reason I come here," she says, in bed with him.  "The only reason?" he asks, since he would rather be having sex.  William isn't actually worried about John, because he assumes that once war is declared, the Yankee soldiers in Charleston will be killed anyway, so his hands won't have to be sullied. 

"If the Yankees want to free our slaves, let them come down here and try, by God!  We'll give them a Southern welcome they will never forget," chimes Jim at a political rally.  He grabs the American flag from wall and drops it to the ground, hoisting a Confederate flag instead.  John is in the crowd, but he has to go back to the fort because it's not safe for Yankees.  He asks for leave to see Genie, but it's denied because she's a Southerner.  War fever is raging in Charleston as the fifth installment of the movie ends.

"I declare, I wish I could go out just like this," Terri, at her most Scarlett-O'Hara-lite, says looking at her figure nude, right as Genie rushes in to tell her she and John have arranged to meet.  Terri warns Genie to be careful on the streets, since it's Election Day and people are in a state.  Is she really worried about their safety?  Of course not!  This is how inane our young lovers are.  They agree to meet at a tote board showing election results.  Yeah, that's a good place for a Northern soldier, and don't think the crowd doesn't razz him for it.  The two go to lunch.  John is worried that Lewis will turn against him and not be his best man at the wedding, and Genie is upset about Patrick's downward-spiraling life.  "Would you feel uneasy walking outside with a Yankee officer?" he asks as they hear church bells tolling the end of the vote count (it's broad daylight, how did that count happen so quickly?) and she chirps back, "not uneasy, proud."  Unease would have been better because a gang of toughs follows John and Genie and John shoots one of them.  They manage to outrun them, but Charleston is not safe for John. 

Jim and Terri celebrate the coming secession with champagne.  "Soon you'll be able to bathe in it if you like," Jim tells her, because he expects to be at the top of the political heap in the Confederacy.  The man with the patch who had scared John and Genie so much was actually a hired goon of Terri's and he shows up at the house to claim it, even though he didn't actually kill John as per their deal. 

Surprise of surprises, James shows up at Patrick's plantation, completely unexpected.  They delve into politics for just a bit, but James is there "to save our friendship."  He insists on apologizing face to face.  "Please don't let a fanatic like my sister or the ones down here kill our feelings for each other," James says sincerely, hoping to mend the miniseries strongest relationship, one far more important, and also far more fragile, than any of the male-female love stories.  "I have missed you," Patrick concedes and the two hug.  James inquires about Lesley-Anne, but he recounts her odd personality change and the fact that "no one has seen her for months." 

James also wants Patrick to give his blessing to Genie and John's marriage.  "Can't you see what they would be up against?" Patrick asks.  "Yes...but they are young and in love, they'll make it through," James wisely notes before reminding Patrick what it's like to be separated from the one person you love most.  Patrick finally caves in and grants his permission.  The young lovers are thrilled when they are told.  John is required to return to the fort as "all leaves have been canceled."  "When will I see you again?" Genie wonders, which is the kind of question that condemns him mto an early death, as we all know from the miniseries rule book.  I could be wrong, but he's a soldier in the wrong place at the wrong juncture in history.

Secession becomes a reality.  "Do you want to go outside and watch the South celebrate its own funeral?" Patrick asks James and Genie insists on going along.  Terri comes along, thrilled with the news that secession has taken place and "I was there to see it."  Patrick tells her to congratulate Genie on her engagement, but Terri, digging down deep into her vast reservoir of cheesy acting abilities, spits out, "damn the Union and damn your Union," once again stealing the scene away from everyone with a terrific line.  Patrick berates her, so she leaves the garden and rejoins the mob.  She finds a drunken William along the way and wants to know what he plans to do to stop the wedding.  "Let's go to bed and discuss it," he glowers, and she agrees.  Jim is the next to arrive, telling the family that the forts are to be taken away from the Yankees and James should stay out of sight, because his accent is bound to make him unpopular. 

Jean Simmons is actually the voice of reason (by accident, I'm sure).  She accepts secession and tells Genie that "President Davis doesn't want war.  He only wants the South to be left alone."  That was a popular thought at the time among those with less hawkish hearts, but of course it's the hawks who always end up making war inevitable.  Genie is just upset because John has been moved to Ft. Sumter and she is worried they will never get married. 

Lewis hasn't been seen in ages because he's been stationed in Texas, but once Texas joined the secession movement, his position has become precarious.  Which side would he take?  He's part of the Union Army, but his loyalties are with the South.  He decides to stay in Texas while those remaining part of the Union Army leave.  Lewis is called a "yellow traitor" for leaving the Union Army and he and the name caller fight.  Lewis wins, of course.  "I'll kill the next man who calls me a traitor," Lewis tells all assembled, his foot on the man he just defeated.  Charles then decides to resign and go back home. 

John is being sent to Washington permanently, leaving Ft. Sumter.  His commanding officer gives him the night off to get married.  Lesley-Anne overhears her husband and William plotting to kill John, and doing so with such laughter we know for sure they are despicable villains.  Their plan depends on what time the train taking John is leaving, and they can only learn that from Terri.

The long-awaited marriage takes place.  Luke and Laura...oh, sorry Genie and John get married.  Terri is there, full of apologies, and insisting on taking John and Genie to the station.  "What times does the train leave?"  She gets the info, passes it along to a slave who gets word to David.  David finds out that Lesley-Anne overheard the plot and sends her to her room, but she refuses.  He beats her, but she grabs for a sword and cuts him in the face.  Suddenly awakened from her stupor, she tears out of the house, jumps in a buggy and rides off, finally reaching Patrick's plantation to inform him of the plot.

William and a cohort intercept the carriage taking John and Genie to the station.  William introduces himself, noting that, "I've had the pleasure of your wife" (long pause as she fumes) "knowing her that is" (they were involved but never had sex).  Williams insults cause John to hop from the carriage, the two hurling insults at each other.  William does the familiar face slap with the glove and agrees to a duel.  Isn't this all seeming a bit familiar?  As the paces are being counted, Lewis rushes into the fray, so William decides to shoot early.  Genie's slave hurls a branch at him, causing him to shoot wide.  William goes after Genie in the carriage, but John stops him as Lewis fights with William's second.  Lewis wins his round, with the second running away, and John stabs and kills William during their tussle.  Since the gun was rigged against John, he would have lost the duel.  Lewis sends them all off to the train. 

When Terri arrives at Patrick's plantation, he tells her he has proof that she set up the whole assassination attempt.  She tries to deny it, but he knows the truth and sends her packing, out of the house and out of the family.  Terri leaves with the threat that her politically connected husband will deal with him!  Patrick has a happier job to do in promising to take care of Lesley-Anne forever.  "It was some sort of drug," our never-bright Patrick tells her, and that the cure might be painful, but he will be there with her to make sure she gets better.

David comes to claim Lesley-Anne, but Lewis and every slave on the plantation aim guns at him and his men.  David, checked for weapons by Lewis, goes in to have a chat with Patrick.  David is told, "if you ever try to take her, you will have to kill me first" and he means it!  David can only skulk off angry.  In Patrick's plan, Lesley-Anne will get a divorce from David, on the grounds of "physical cruelty" and then they will marry.

Who gets to play Lincoln?  It's an inevitable role in any Civil War miniseries, and no one could improve on Gregory Peck's Lincoln from "The Blue and The Gray," but with a lot of putty and bearding, Hal Holbrook is pretty darn good.  He's had about all he can take from the South.  "I intend to be President of ALL the United States," he tells Secretary Seward.  Genie and John are on hand to see him talk and so is our old friend Philip Casnoff, with his lover Morgan Fairchild, making her entrance into the miniseries with only minutes to go.  Philip has the intention of making money from blockades, the consummate opportunist.  Morgan hopes that Philip isn't just using her for her money, but Philip sets her straight: "my dear, if you didn't have the money for my ship, I'd be in bed with someone else who did."  Morgan is going down south with Philip.  "I have friends who will be excited to see me," she says, to which he replies, "and I have enemies who will be surprised."  Oh, come on!  Give up already on Patrick and James.  That was so long ago.  He hasn't made any more interesting enemies in the ensuing years?  A man like him should have a list a mile long! 

Jonathan Frakes and his wife believe that James will be recommissioned and they can take over the ironworks, making serious money, even though it's profiteering.  The Mrs. doesn't care as long as she's rid of James and "that Irish slut" wife of his, now so pregnant she's ready to pop.  As Wendy sends James off to work, she encounters Kirstie cold, crazy, full of gray hair and sunken eyes.  Bringing her in the house, Jonathan and his wife want her gone, but Wendy insists.  "She is your responsibility while she is in this house," Jonathan tells Wendy, who agrees.  Mama Inga pays her a visit while she sleeps, heartbroken at what she sees, but Kirstie was only faking sleep anyway, to spare her mother further agony. 

Unfortunately, Patrick has to pay James a visit up North to handle business affairs.  He owes him money since the Southern government has requisitioned their joint effort for war materials, but he doesn't have any money, so he has to mortgage the house.  "We are Southerners and will still have our honor and no one can take that from us," he tells Lesley-Anne.  He leaves Lewis in charge of the house  and the defense of Lesley-Anne.  Lewis volunteers to go instead, but Patrick insists he has to go personally, because he wants to see James again.  "It might be the last time," he is forced to admit.

April 12, 1861, before daybreak.  We know what that means!  The South fires on Ft. Sumter.  "Our nation has been attacked without provocation.  We are now at war," a Union general tells his men, including John.  Patrick is on the train heading north when the news of Ft. Sumter's surrender arrives.  "My deepest sympathy is toward the South, sir," Patrick snaps sarcastically when asked if he's a Northern sympathizer.  Arriving in Philadelphia, the crowd at the station gives Patrick a rough time as he tries to board a train, but he wields a sword and dashes across the tracks to get to his train.

Hold on a minute.  Did you read what I just wrote?  "Dashes across the tracks."  Indeed, I'm not lying.  In a rare misstep for "North and South," no one stopped this howler of a continuity error from happening?  This is a man who has been limping since the Mexican War!  Now suddenly he can "dash across the tracks?"  For shame, people, for shame.

On the other side of the tracks, he's given a ribbon by a fellow Southerner, who insists he need it in order to get around the North.  "Do you really think this sort of deception is necessary? he asks her.  "You wear it!" she insists and he hobbles up the steps to the train (yeah, our dasher is now hobbling again). 

James and Wendy are thrilled to see Patrick, though they are unsure how he managed to get so far north.  Kirstie is also there, but James assures Patrick she keeps to her room.  No time for sadness because Wendy shows him baby Hope.  Patrick gives James the money he owes him.  In a moment of glow between the two old friends, rocks are hurled through the windows and epithets yelled at both.  "There here because of you and I sent for them!" Kirstie yowls, bursting into the room.  In full-out lunatic mode, she keeps raging, "I hope they kill you" to Patrick over and over as she's forced back up the stairs.  James and Patrick are forced to take up arms in order to get Patrick back to the station.  James confronts the mob, telling the members that Patrick is a friend of his, a patriot, and "the first man who makes a move against his friend" will be shot.  The mob backs down, but all goodwill toward James on behalf of his neighbors is gone. 

Once again, Kirstie has to hit the trail.  She'll never learn, this nutsy broad.  "I'll never step foot in this house again," she melodramatically concludes, but Wendy isn't so convinced.  It's where she was born.  She thanks Wendy for all the help over the years, but she has no respect for the family.  "They don't know me at all.  They don't care about my cause or my trouble.  They pay it lip services, but they won't sacrifice anything for it."  Her speech goes on for a spell as Wendy tries to get in a word here and there, but this is Kirstie's scene, her one chance at the end to grab the reigns of the miniseries.  Other than Terri Garber, she has no real competition.  As Kirstie goes to make a grand exit, she slips on the stairs and all the family silver and jewels that she aimed to take go spilling out.  Wendy is sympathetic.  "I believe these are your things.  Now take them and go!" 

James asks Patrick what he'll do if the South offers him a commission, but that's been settled because they have already asked him, just as James has been offered a spot on the general staff in Washington.  It looks like they will indeed be fighting on opposite sides of the war, age and infirmities notwithstanding.  James then pulls out the two halves of their $10 bill from the bet years earlier.  "Let's each keep a half and put it back together when the war is over," James suggests.  "Can you see anything we could have done to stop all of this?" Patrick asks.  Does he mean the two of them?  No, there is nothing two fictional characters could have done to stop the Civil War.  Does he mean the country in general?  Well, history says no, because too many people had too much at stake.  The two friends embrace for what might be the last time as Patrick boards the train.