"Bella Mafia" really is not a miniseries, clocking in at under two hours and it's also a bit beyond the 20-year span of the Great American Miniseries, but it's so much fun, I can't allow it to be ignored. It plays like a miniseries, is cast like a miniseries and if it had been produced a decade earlier, would have been a miniseries. But, based on a novel written in 1991, it was unfortunately too late and it was simply a movie-of-the-week. Actually, not so simply. Get comfy, this one is one of a kind. Once you have seen "Bella Mafia," you will never forget it.
In Sicily in 1977, Nastassja Kinski, trying her best to look young and Italian, but not succeeding at either, is madly in love with Michael Hayden, young, yes, but as WASP-y as they come. She wants to meet his family, but instead they have sex on the beach.
Tony LoBianco has a very sick son in a monastery that he wants no one to know about.
Dennis Farina, Italian, sure, but with that unique American accent of his, is the Don of an Italian family and Tony LoBianco is there to get him interested in a drug business deal from America. Tony leaves the meeting spitting and cursing, and it's decided that Michael may not be safe in America, going off to Harvard. Michael, by the way, speaks with an Italian accent (now and then), though no one else around him does. After promising Papa Dennis that he will be careful, he sneaks out of his bedroom to go to Nastassja and profess his love once again. On his way back, Tony's limo happens to be on the street, so he offers him a ride, beats the hell out of him and takes him to a meeting with some high-powered Mafioso. Tony is awfully dumb to have taken Michael to the meeting where he could see every one's faces, which means he's just played his last scene.
Michael's papa is understandably upset, but his mama, Vanessa Redgrave, is even more shaken, actually trying her best for about half a scene to act by speaking Italian and collapsing in a heap while shouting without sound. Don't expect our resident slumming Oscar winner to keep up that pace. Dennis makes his remaining sons swear an oath, in both English and Italian, to kill Tony. They actually pierce their fingers and make it a blood oath. Vanessa stands aside, saying, "he was my son too!"
Off in NYC, Dennis tries to kill Tony himself, as if a powerful Mafia Don would actually dirty his hands like that. The rest of the Dons tell Dennis he has to go back to Sicily and cannot carry out the vendetta in NYC. He's somehow fine with that, as long as Tony never sets foot in Palermo. Geez, not much of a vendetta is it?
Meanwhile, Nastassja gives birth to Michael's son and rehearses how she's break the news to Dennis and company in the mirror. I suggest she pick one accent and stick to it, but somehow that seems already impossible. She shows up at the compound and is first tossed aside by the guards and then moved down by brother Richard Joseph Paul's sports car. She survives, to be taken in by motherly Vanessa.
About a year later, Nastassja is still at the compound, having made quite an impression on stuttering goofball Richard. "I like her," Vanessa says, hoping to marry Nastassja off to one of her sons, but Dennis is angry that she's the daughter of a domestic who "scrubbed floors in a convent." That sounds absolutely respectable to me, a convent! Anyway, Vanessa not only wants to give her dimwit son a lovely bride, but wants to use the wedding as a way to make everyone think the vendetta is over. "We can wait," she says, as if she's running the family. The parents split up the two and work on them to agree to marriage. Richard is fine because he's in love, but Vanessa merely asks Nastassja, "can you love him?" "One day all this could be yours," Vanessa says, pricking her finger on a fake flower in the garden. All of what can be hers? A well-lit set?
No worries about Nastassja's son, because the nuns at the orphanage where she left him are strict: since she has been gone more than three months, they have given him away for adoption. Wait, where is that in the Bible? I guess we don't have the money for a baby actress.
We also don't have the money for a proper wedding, because there isn't a guest in anything fancier than a sun dress, except Jennifer Tilly, dressed up in a black number that shows off her considerable assets. She's pissed because "no one will speak English to me," as she tells her boyfriend, a man in Dennis' employ. "We are in Italy," her boyfriend says, no one laughing at the irony that not a word of Italian has been spoken in decades. Another of Dennis' sons hits on Jennifer, taking her away with a big bottle of wine. "I'm sure you can take it all," he tells her without a trace of irony. However, this brother has been assigned to Ileanna Douglas by Vanessa, the family matchmaker. Jennifer is determined to catch the bouquet, but Ileanna's mother pushes her out of the way so that Ileanna can catch it.
Let's skip to Atlanta City, where Jennifer is working as a blackjack girl in one of Dennis Farina's casinos. She once again bumps into brother W. Earl Brown and they go at it right on the dinner table in his hotel suite. There's still the matter of Illeana Douglas, saying with a straight face that she's 25 years old. She's rather gloomy, but not as gloomy as the son who has to take her to dinner when Earl goes off with Jennifer. The two have an exceedingly depressing conversation about being a less-preferred sibling, but their mutual loser society act ends in a wedding by the next scene, where Earl is squiring around Jennifer in a shag coat that came off the casino floor. "You don't bring a whore to a wedding," Dennis rails at Earl, and tells him to dump her. If this were "The Godfather," poor Earl would be Fredo Corleone, but this isn't "The Godfather."
When Earl tries to get Jennifer out of the wedding quietly, she goes into a fit, revealing she's his wife and also pregnant...oops, not pregnant, because she goes into labor during the argument! In the hospital, Jennifer complains about all the jobs she's had working in high heels, and one stint in a "poodle parlor." Unfortunately, the baby dies, a perfect excuse for the family to have her dumped, but Nastassja takes pity on her, because she can't get pregnant. "I want my son. I want my son," she whispers, the truth lost on her husband.
Back in Italy, Nastassja's kid is now in a monastery and do you want to guess that it's the same one housing Tony's crippled kid? Trust me, guess it. The friars there, seemingly from the same hood as Dennis, have a screeching howling brat on their hands, dumped on them by his foster family for being such a rotten kid. "Go to the Devil," he yells at the main man, grabbing his mother's necklace (the one Michael gave her the night he died) and biting the priest. The kid runs into Christopher Shaw's room (yup, Tony's son). Little Alec Plummer is fascinated by the mutant in the sunglasses and ascot. "You're a gargoyle. I like you pink face," Alec chirps. The sons of enemies are friends. I'm letting you know that in case you missed the intense subtlety of the scene.
Nastassja has opened a dress shop. Dennis wants to take her global, but Nastassja and her business partner just want to start small. Oh, and to go along with the great news of her dress shop, she's pregnant! Her hubby stutters, "you...you...you...have a grandson!" to Dennis a few months later (remember, time means nothing in this piece), and turns to Vanessa, saying, "you have one too" because there are twins. Vanessa is a modern Mafia wife. She takes the pictures in the hospital.
We jump ahead in time, again, where some of the grandchildren have aged and some have only kind of aged. The whole family has a meal together, wives and all, as Dennis tells a stupid story to make everyone laugh. Though Nastassja's boys are about four, her first son, still in with the fathers, is now about 20 and gorgeous James Marsden, still pals with snobby smart Christopher, and still wearing the girly heart necklace around his neck. James shows Christopher a gun and Christopher wants to know where he got it. "Mail order, like everything we get here," he replies. Wait, so UPS delivers to monasteries in Italy? How many bells do you have to ring to get in there?
Tony comes to see his dying son. "Together, we have been one being," Christopher tells his father, noting that James has been the body and Christopher the mind. Uh huh. That makes as much sense as the constantly shifting time periods. Let's wrap this in a nice package and have Christopher tell his father to take care of James always. That would be James, the grandson of his sworn enemy Dennis, though no one knows it. Christopher has a grand "the happiest moments I've ever known have been with you speech" as he grasping for breath and finally dies. James runs around the abbey screaming, overturning wheel barrows and generally knocking himself out of contention for any role offered to handsome young actors that year with his howling badness. "Take me to America," is all he can think of to say to Tony, promising to help him, brushing the dirt from his face and hugging him close. "I have a son...you're gonna be my son, you're gonna be Giorgio," Tony says with an odd lilt in his voice. "Luca. My name is Luca," he says (no, he doesn't live upstairs from you, not that Luca).
Two years later, or so the title card says, because they are as reliable as the acting in "Bella Mafia," Tony is arrested and James goes to another Don, Carmen Argenziano, for help. James wants to take care of the men who did this to his father. Apparently, Tony and James must have agreed on how he is to present himself. He's Luca Giorgio, therefore both himself and Tony's dead kid. And a friggin' psychopath, but a damn pretty one. I know this is supposed to be bella about the dames, but James is the most bella of all. In prison, Tony tells James that the man behind his arrest is Dennis, about to throw another wedding, this time for his granddaughter. Has this family not learned that weddings bring only bad news? People end up giving birth or dead or jinxing everything.
James creeps into the house to kill the male heirs, starting with Nastassja's twin boys, who also happen to be his half brothers. This is done in slow motion as the bride spins around in her dress, as happy as can be. Dennis has his sons join him around a table to get killed...oops, I mean, for a toast "to my son Michael. At last, justice." Timing really sucks for this family.
It's Grandma Vanessa who discovers her dead grandsons, but Nastassja comes in right behind her. As for the men, they have been poisoned by the wine and are also dead, news Vanessa gets only moments later. She's told her whole family is dead, but she insists on asking about them one by one. The widows gather in a scene guaranteed to make you double over with laughter. First Nastassja breaks down, then Jennifer does it, in high camp, but Vanessa outdoes them all. Wearing her husband's ring, she makes them all swear vengeance. Then in good Italian fashion (which applies to no one in the church, not an Italian among them), everyone wails up a storm and the opera music is blared full tilt. The wives, veiled, walk down the church aisle, beautifully lit, as if The Supremes were about to play The Vatican. All of the American Mafia men travel to the funeral, but they order loyal family retainer Franco Nero (what European-set miniseries would be complete without him?) to give them the deeds to all of Dennis' businesses or they will kill the widows too. Instead of letting that happen, Franco burns them all and shoots himself.
James goes back to his father and reports on the funeral with a big smile, also bragging that it was his idea to kill the little boys. "You're insane. I wish to God I had never set eyes on you," Tony rages, cursing him. Tony goes into overacting heaven ranting that at least his dead son had a brain, but James tries to match him by wishing him a long life behind bars and walks away while Tony shouts for him.
Carmen and company are upset that no papers can be found and order Tony killed.
In perhaps the oddest scene yet, James talks to an American tourist on the side of a road and boasts that he's a killer for the Mafia.
No, sorry, that's not the oddest scene yet. The oddest scene yet would follow immediately, with Vanessa, in her mourning black, using a tree as target practice. The other widows try to stop her, but she will not be stopped. That bullet is intended for Tony.
At Tony's trial, the loyal guards let Vanessa and her girls, in their mourning black (Jennifer is in black, but a boa rather than a veil). The have gotten a gun inside and Vanessa aims it at Tony as the proceedings start, but she merely shatters a lamp. Tony is killed, but not by her. Could it be James dressed as a monk, cowl, rosary beads and all? Seems likely. As he's running away, the widow's car hits him, so they take him to the house. Suddenly we're in a slapstick comedy as Ileanna and Jennifer snap at each other. Should we guess if granddaughter Gina Phillips will fall in love with James?
"Who's gonna tell Mama that we have a house guest? It's not gonna be me," Jennifer chirps, leaving James to rest in the very bed where he killed his two half-brothers. Even he sees that grand bit of irony before passing out. Jennifer goes through James' bag and finds a gun, "hundreds of dollars" and "this thing, what do you think it is?" I know she's daffy, but everyone knows a monk's costume. We've all done Halloween.
The police show up at the compound and tell the ladies that they think the killer was dressed as a monk. Abbott and Costello, sorry, Jennifer and Ileanna, go through a very unconvincing routine denying having seen anyone like that. It's Nastassja who plays the drama, angry that there is no justice for her boys, but they are seeking a killer's killer.
James escapes to Carmen's, where he hears Carmen on the phone vowing to "get rid of him" personally. "I could have killed them all if I wanted to," James tells Carmen, giving him a poison drink. "You have a loud voice," he notes, as if that was the actual crime he committed. James kisses Carmen and lets him die.
Nastassja is desperate to get to America because she knows their American holdings can be of value. So, off the black brigade goes, in first class, no less. Not to worry, James is on the same plane, but in coach. When the widows get back to Gina's place in New York City, James is there, having taken the identity of the American tourist. He spins quite a yarn for the widows to convince them he was acting on behalf of some crazy guy who paid him to do everything. He wants to thank the widows for saving his life. "Come to dinner," Vanessa says, the ultimate sign of misplaced belief.
Just as the widows are wondering how to raise some cash, hired guns come bursting through the door to kill them, but don't worry, James is right behind them to blow holes in them. Vanessa recognizes one of the killers as the brother of one of the American Dons and bangs his head against the floor until he's dead. Ileanna and Gina help James put the dead body in the car and Nastassja and Jennifer take the one still alive. James tells Nastassja to clean up all the blood and then wipes some off her face.
But wait.
Wait.
Wait.
It happens. Yes, this movie hits an all-time high when James then plants a kiss on Nastassja...HIS MOTHER! Oh, yeah! James confesses his love to her a scene later, but when did he have time to fall in love with her?
James takes the widows to a country house, but Nastassja stays in NYC to talk to the police. She finds out James is not who he says he is, but rather the son of her family's sworn enemy. "He's not been here," she tells the cops, who wait about 10 minutes to hear an answer as to whether she knows him or not. The police are tough on her, but hidden in shadows to play the scene, she sticks to her story. You see, she's gotten good at this vendetta thing.
Nastassja goes to Peter Bogdanovich to arrange a deal. She wants to marry off her niece Gina to his son, in exchange for protection from his mafia family. Peter salivates over her holdings. Monetary holdings. She promises him Tony LoBianco's fortune.
The widows are delighted at the country house James has snagged for them. "You got a wine cellar?" Jennifer squeaks? James goes there just long enough to get two bottles of wine for Nastassja to tell the rest who he really is. "Talk a lot, like you usually do," she tells Jennifer before the meal, now that they are all nervous. She parks him at the head of the table for the grand meal she is serving. Vanessa is poisoning it in the kitchen as they speak.
We're back to farce as James doesn't die from the poisoned pasta. Not to worry, Vanessa has poisoned the pudding too. You know those great Italian cooks! The widows tie him to the chair. "Is this a game?" he asks, half gone from the poison. I'm not sure what poison this is, something between dead and drunk in the poison aisle at the supermarket. Nastassja names him as Tony's son and he goes wild, speaking pretty much the first Italian we've heard all night. The poison leaves him howling in his chair, regressing to his past, which has all the women vacillating about his fate, until he spits on little Gina. Then Nastassja comes in alone and he tells them they should kill the rest and take all the money in the house. There's another passionate kiss between them, which she has to deliver as part of a bargain. Whatever, the bargain means nothing, but the kiss sure as hell does. James goes ape shit talking about killing Nastassja's boys, flapping his tongue like the devil is inside him. So, she thrusts a knife into his heart and THEN discovers the heart pendant around his neck, the one his father gave to her mother.
Better than a Greek tragedy! Put this one in a time vault and let future generations know American TV for what it really was!
Anyway, the widows bury James and then Nastassja strips down to her negligee to burn her clothes. For what she's done for the family, Mama Vanessa asks Nastassja to be "head of the family," to wear her husband's ring and then kneels in front of her. All of the American Dons are corralled, kissing the ring, of course. Nastassja begs for no more blood, no more vendettas. The Dons want to buy the American holdings, but Nastassja trumps them by announcing Gina's wedding to Peter's son. Another wedding? Who is left to die this time, except all of the American Dons, of course?
"She has evil eyes, like the devil," one Don says to another about Nastassja. Jennifer bumps into Peter and is immediately smitten. Using her boa and breasts, she snares him. "This is a day we'll never forget," Vanessa coos as they hand one of the Dons a glass of champagne. As he leaves the wedding cackling about "la bella mafia," he feels the now-familiar stomach cramps. Nastassja heads inside to X him out of a picture of the Dons she has left to assassinate.
"Bella Mafia" ranks among the looniest ideas EVER to be filmed. Not only filmed, but with a great cast. I would like to hope everyone did it for the money, rather than thinking there was a great script, because if the latter is the case, well, let's not even think it. Vanessa Redgrave as a mob wife? Nastassja Kinski as an Italian? Jennifer Tilly as...okay, skip her. James Marsden worked again after this? So many questions!
It's so stupid, but so laughable. "Bella Mafia" never fails to make me cackle with glee. This is required viewing for any funfest fan.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Lonsesome Dove (1989)
I remember watching the 1989 Emmy Awards and when the winner for "Outstanding Miniseries" was announced, not only did I register shock, but it seemed so did everyone in the audience. "War and Remembrance" was the winner, but who was expecting that? It's certainly one of the biggest and most expansive, but 1989 was the year of "Lonesome Dove." Everyone watched it. Everyone talked about it. Everyone loved it. Okay, I can't prove the middle statement, but the ratings show that everyone watched it and the reviews show that critics loved it. Sure, "War and Remembrance" is literally almost five times the length of "Lonesome Dove," but might does not make right in this situation. However, time has taken care of the error: "Lonesome Dove" is regarded as a classic while "Wand Remembrance" is, well, almost five times the length of a classic.
The town is Lonesome Dove in Southern Texas, as dusty and sleepy a Western town as they come, if you can call the few ramshackle buildings a town. The chow bell rings for dinner, bringing Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Timothy Scott and Ricky Schroder together. Robert is serving and when Tommy Lee jokingly suggests he get a job as a waiter instead of a "loafer," he says he once had a job on a riverboat. "I was too pretty and the whores wouldn't let me alone," he says to make Ricky laugh. In just a few minutes, we race through a discussion of slavery ending and the chase of the Native Americans into virtual extinction.
It seems that craggy Robert and equally craggy Tommy Lee have a cantankerous relationship, full of jabs at each other. Tommy Lee is the worker, while Robert is the old-timer with a piece of wisdom for every occasion. Robert goes off to the saloon where D.B. Sweeney begs him for money, but Robert and the gang spend their time playing cards all night long. After, Robert loans D.B. the two dollars, which D.B. wants to use for the one woman in town before sleeping on Robert's porch.
Just as breakfast is starting the next morning, Danny Glover returns to town with Robert Urich in tow, the latter reuniting with the others after many years. Robert Urich has returned to get his friends with some colorful stories and can't believe how big Ricky has gotten. Ricky's mother was a whore, dead many years now, and one of the guys is the kid's father, obviously Tommy Lee, who won't admit it.
Arkansas Sheriff Chris Cooper is told by a local woman to arrest Robert Urich, who is a known murderer on the run. The lady means business, snapping the neck of a rooster she's holding, scaring Chris into action, but Chris knows Robert Urich is living in Texas now with his friends Robert and Tommy Lee, who are ex-Texas Rangers and therefore not an easy man to arrest. Chris tells his wife Glenne Headley that he probably should go after Robert Urich, but as a newlywed of five months, she's not thrilled, and insists he take her young son.
Robert Duvall asks Robert Urich about Clara, a woman he loved, who is apparently now married with children somewhere in Nebraska. It's obvious he still pines for her. Tommy Lee wonders why they don't take Robert Urich up on his offer to clear Montana of Native Americans and drive cattle into the area. "I wanna see that country before bankers and lawyers," he wistfully tells his old pal. D.B. has spent all day working off the two dollars, only to show up at the saloon to find Robert Urich making the whole place rock with the whore upstairs. D.B. gets drunk to forget.
Everything so far has been working up to what the men really do for a living, which is slip over the border to Mexico at night and steal horses. With the most picturesque sunset to guide them, the seven men set off, easily crossing the river and making their way into Mexico. When they find the herd, Danny hears "white folks" singing, doing some recon to find there are two men on guard, but they are drunk Irishmen (in the Old West, the two always go together) and no harm (Travis Swords and Bradley Gregg). In fact, they don't even know they are in Mexico and decide to join our posse as they all drive the horses back across the river. They manage to steal over 100 horses.
Chris heads off with Glenne's son to go after Robert Urich, but Glenne has also slipped away, much to the consternation of the town gossips, who insist that Deputy Barry Corbin go after Chris to tell him. Glenne boards a "whiskey boat," full of drunken toughs who lust after her since she's the only woman around. In fact, one of them kills another because he has it in his mind to marry her, despite the fact that she's already married...to a man who is not Chris, and that's where she's heading.
The idea of going up North has really gotten to Tommy Lee, and it appeals to everyone else as well, though Robert Duvall has his doubts. Biding his time, he goes to the local hooker (Diane Lane) and asks to "buy a poke," but she says she's with Robert Urich now, she's his girl and he's promised to take her to San Francisco. But, after Robert pulls a higher card than her, she takes him upstairs. Robert Urich, who's idea the cattle drive was in the first place, but "he's too leaky a vessel for anyone to put too much hope in," Robert Duvall cracks, knowing Robert Urich has no intention of going. Robert Urich goes over to Diane's and when he finds out she's been with Robert Duvall, he smacks her. She insists on going wherever he goes, though she would prefer San Francisco. She begs him to take her now, not wanting to go with the herd, and she has him buy her a horse with the $50 Robert Duvall paid her. "Money well spent...both times," he says. Seeing Robert Urich and Diane Lane leaving, Robert Duvall decides it's time to leave. No use waiting for a few days.
Robert Duvall says goodbye to Lonesome Dove, to the empty shacks, to the pigs even to the saloon keeper who is crying over shots at the loss of Diane. The saloon piano player is the last to join the gang of misfit cowboys.
The cattle drive starts. The pigs refuse to be left alone and actually join. Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones, in their easygoing way, are actually excited to drive 2600 head of cattle and a whole lot of stolen horses up North. Robert Urich gets a thorn in his thumb and it's infected, but Danny helps get it out, also telling them to move their camp to the opposite side of the river before the storm comes. The storm is a giant one and comes on fast, miles of dust moving at top speed. Ricky is amazed when lightning comes and actually seems to hit the entire herd (with some particularly bad special effects). Robert Urich and Diane are almost killed by a falling tree.
The next day is spent undoing the damage. The wagon is stuck in a ditch, but no men are lost, and only about 20 cows. The pigs are okay. Bradley is afraid of rivers, though he's "crossed an ocean" and doesn't understand his fear. Robert Duvall comes to make sure Robert Urich and Diane are okay, but Robert Urich is in a particularly surly mood. Robert Urich decides he and Diane will go to San Antonio to make money gambling, but she refuses to go.
What makes "Lonesome Dove" work so well is the writing, which makes sure to infuse the characters with subtle relationships. These are not men of many words, but the words they do use, jokes mainly, are actually proof of their friendship, strong and unyielding. Something as simple as Bradley being afraid to cross a river, which he confesses to Ricky, bonds them immediately. Ricky says he'll cross first to show him there's no reason to worry. Ricky makes it, but as Bradley crosses, he's attacked by water moccasins as Ricky watches in horror.
The second part of the series starts with the attack, but Bradley isn't dead, at least not yet. "Not much we can do, he's been bitten too many times," Robert Duvall says a minute before he finally expires. The entire gang had gone into river to save him, nearly a complete stranger, and though Robert remains philosophical about the death, Ricky is sad to lose his new friend, who is buried with appropriate reverence. Travis tries to sing an Irish song, but he breaks up, so Robert Duvall steps in with a few choice words and then urges the gang on. "The best thing you can do about death is ride out from it," Tommy Lee says. It's time to move on.
In the other part of the plot, Barry Corbin is still trying to track down Chris Cooper and comes across a horrible old man who refuses to share his possum and strikes the woman he "bought and paid for." That girl, Nina Siemaszko, has seen Chris and the boy, but refuses to guide Barry unless he takes her with him. So, she hobbles the old man and convinces Barry to let her come along. "I'm gonna follow you anyway," she says, adding that she can catch their food. Glenne is on her way to Ogalalla, with Steve Buscemi along for the ride. Chris writes Glenne a letter, not knowing she won't be at the house to receive it.
Since the cattle drive's cook left, they need a new one, and find one in a small town, Jorge Martinez de Hoyos. Jorge will not ride an animal, which he says "is not civilized," so he will walk alongside everyone. In the same town, Robert Duvall knocks the bartender into the bar when he's disrespectful, not recognizing Tommy Lee and Robert from the picture on the wall, back in the day when they were famous Indian chasers. They are somewhat upset that they have been forgotten, wondering if they won't end up like Indians, extinct, in a few years.
"When were you the happiest?" Robert asks Tommy Lee, who doesn't think like that. Robert remember exactly, sitting by the creek where he is with his one true love. The thought of it even brings him to tears as he admits "letting her slip away like I did" was the biggest mistake he ever made. To diffuse the emotion, Tommy Lee says, "you still have your whores," but that only brings Robert to another issue: the fact that Ricky is Tommy Lee's son and that he never treated his mother well. Tommy Lee can't even look at Robert as they discuss it. This scene runs less than five minutes, but it shows exactly why "Lonesome Dove" is so appealing. It's certainly not the plot, which barely holds together. It's about the characters. This is a true novel (a Pulitzer Prize winner by Larry McMurtry no less) filmed. They creators have not abandoned the characters in favor of spectacle. In fact, they have emphasized them so much that in two hours of running time so far, there has been barely any excitement, other than a brief dust storm that lasted moments and one death. The story here is the bonds of friendship, not the actual cattle drive or the myths of the Old West.
The comic relief plot, which is admittedly a bit goofy, churns on with Nina telling Barry that she'll cook frogs for dinner, but that their feet jump around as they are being cooked. She hears men approaching and runs off. The two want tobacco from him, but he has none. So, they want his gun and his horse...and his clothes! Lucky for Barry Nina didn't run far, because she throws rocks at them and Barry is able to run off. Just as the bandits are about to shoot Barry, again, Chris rides over with a gun and between him and Nina, they get the bad guys to ride off scared. When Chris is told of Glenne's running away, little Adam tells him that his father isn't dead, as Glenne told Chris and Barry chimes in that Glenne is pregnant. It's a whole lot of news to take in at once.
Robert Duvall sees Diane alone again and goes to keep her company, much to the annoyance of Tommy Lee, who wants to get to Montana with the cattle. Diane knows Robert Urich has left her and he's not taking her anywhere, so Robert tries his best to cheer her up. He gives her some good philosophy, to learn to like the "everyday things," rather than dreaming big. To get her laughing, he strips down to his long underwear and tosses her into the water. But, her sights are set on California and he aims for Ogalalla and his true love. He then spots an Indian approaching. The Indian is Frederic Forrest, who recognizes Robert from his Indian killing days. He would love to kill "two wore out Rangers," but since Tommy Lee isn't around, he'll hunt for other white men to kill. And off he goes. Diane will not budge, so they send Ricky to protect her, though he gets knocked out by an unseen assailant. His horse makes it back to camp without him.
Robert Urich arrives soon after with Ricky, but Diane is gone, which means Frederic has taken her. Robert is pissed at everyone for letting Diane be taken. He rails at Ricky and almost fights with D.B., but Robert Duvall takes bullets and trails Frederic. He's the only one who can get him. Indeed Frederic has Diane, whom he deal with rather abusively, but he's less scary than a bunch of his friends, who are willing to trade horse and hides for her. Or maybe he is, shooting a man just for holding up a game of dice.
Robert Duvall rides in search of Diane, but encounters way too many Indians and they all have guns. Knowing just what to do, he stops, kills his horse and uses it as a defensive wall, now able to shoot at the Indians and have then running scared. He's not completely safe, alone in the desert behind a dead horse. The marauders stay where they are, with some scary looking guns and Robert throws them off the trail by shooting far from them, making them think he can't shoot, of course picking the exact right moment to knock off the most annoying of them.
Tommy Lee is worried about his best friend, and so are the other men. Jose says that Robert will never catch Frederic and D.B. sings his familiar refrain about how it's Robert Urich's fault. He's so in love with Diane that he intends to marry her if she returns without Robert Urich. This starts another fight, but Tommy Lee steps in to stop it quickly.
Night is beginning to fall and Robert is still fairly defenseless, with just the rotting horse between him and the bad guys, but sensing they are gone, he takes his saddle and gear and walks until he finds a group of people: Barry, Nina, Chris and Adam. Our plots have finally intersected. Robert recognizes Chris as the Sheriff chasing Robert Urich, and also as the guys who started shooting to scare off the bad guys. They are a motley band, no match for the gang, but Robert says he can do it alone.
Diane is still being mistreated by Frederic, whose friends want her, but he decides she's not worth it and leaves her for the coyotes to get. The bad guys want her, but he warns them that if they stay with her and Robert comes, all will be lost. They all get drink and Robert rides into their campsite, plucking them off one by one with single bullets. He's able to rescue the traumatized Diane. Chris is amazed that Robert could kill all of those men so easily. He didn't have to do a thing! However, Frederic had left the camp and the next we see of him, he's stabbing Barry and then kills Nina and Adam too. That's fiendish! Chris digs them graves with just a bowl and Robert helps him bury the three unfortunate souls. Chris wants to help Robert track him down, but Robert says, "I guess we have to let him go this time." He advises Chris to search for Glenne, and promises to kill Frederic should he encounter him again.
Speaking of Glenne, noticeably pregnant (time seems to have gone faster for her), she's somewhere in Kansas with Frederick Coffin and Steve Buscemi. Steve tries to rape her, but Frederick, who has been killing men who wanted to touch her since the whiskey boat, pulls Steve off her and offers to kill him, throwing him against the wheel over and over, but Glenne wants him alive "in case the Indians come." He will not tolerate anyone trying to "marry" her as he thinks of sex.
Robert Urich has been gambling for days and is convinced to help some local lowlifes rob banks in Kansas.
Having sent Chris off on his personal mission, Robert Duvall has to protect Diane, beaten and frightened. He makes his way to Adobe Walls, in Northern Texas, a tiny little shelter from the rain. Sweet man that he is, he tries to snap her back to life by playing cards with her, but she's too traumatized and breaks down. As she cries on his shoulder, the second part ends.
Part Three begins with Robert Duvall rejoining his men as the Canadian River is crossed. "You have become this gal's caretaker," Tommy Lee says, somewhat annoyed at this increasing diversion from the work. Diane still has not really recovered. She still cries. She asks Robert why he doesn't ask "for a poke no more?" He says he's being respectful of her situation.
Robert Urich is running with a really bad crowd. They surprise him by wanting to rob horse wranglers instead of a bank. During the gun battle, one is shot and the leader callously kills him because "it was just his unlucky day, huh," as Robert puts it, now terrified of this bunch.
Only one of the horse wranglers lives and Danny finds him. So, the leads have to go off and track down the guys who did this. That means Robert Duvall has to leave Diane and she's afraid. The guys follow birds until finding the dead bodies, which they take the time to bury. Danny follows the tracks and knows there are four of them, but that also Robert Urich is with them. They suggest that it's just Robert's horse, but Danny knows the tracks "his horse makes with him on it." Geez, that's some excellent skill! They better find their wayward friend soon, because his crazy new pals are giving innocent farmers, or "sod busters" just to go through their house. The leader finds only a watch. Killed two men for a watch and then he hangs and burns the bodies! Two more graves for the heroes to dig.
Danny spots the bad posse only a little bit away and they surprise them. Tommy Lee orders them tied up, and that means Robert Urich too, because he participated. His longtime friends have to go with the credo that "you ride with an outlaw, you die with an outlaw." That means they all have to hang from trees. They kill the bad guys and then it's only Robert Urich left. Robert Duvall tells him he has Diane safe and then says goodbye to his friends. "I'd rather be hung by my friends than by strangers," Robert Urich says. He doesn't wait for anyone to whip his horse from under him. He digs his spurs in and does it himself. They are all upset, but Tommy Lee reminds them they have the cattle, so a grave has to be dug. They leave only the leader on the tree with a sign that says "Man Burner and Horse Thief."
At long last, we meet Robert Duvall's long lost love, Anjelica Houston. She's caring for an injured husband kicked by a horse and unable to move, as well as two young daughters. All of her other children have died. It's Glenne and her cohorts who arrive at Anjelica's farm and are invited to stay. "This woman's going to have a baby," Anjelica says and one is born. That was mighty quick! When she left Arkansas, no one could even tell she was pregnant! Glenne has serious post-partum depression, but Anjelica is understanding and she and her daughters will help her. Her gentleman friends push on to Ogalalla and take Glenne, but leave the baby. Her beloved is in jail, about to be executed for the murder of a boy. She passes out at the jail.
Coincidentally, Chris now shows up at Anjelica's farm. Anjelica is gently rocking the baby when he arrives. Ever hospitable, Anjelica invites Chris in for a meal, just inches away from his son. Anjelica figures out he's Glenne's husband (both being from Arkansas) and tells the baby is his, but that she left. Chris breaks down and Anjelica tells her daughter, "men have tears in 'em, just like you" when they wonder why a man can cry. Anjelica is honest with Chris: Glenne wants neither Chris nor the baby. She never even looked at the baby before leaving. To make it worse, Anjelica admits "loves new things" and is getting "attached" to the baby. She asks him if he wants the baby, and if he does, take him now, because she can't "go through the heartsick of losing another one." Chris asks for the chance to find Glenne first.
The cattle drive nears Ogalalla and Anjelica too. Diane is worried about how she'll be introduced and she's suddenly ashamed of who she is, which Robert tells her not to be. Robert admits he would like to marry Anjelica. He goes to Jose, who can tell fortunes, and asks if he'll marry again. "No more wife for you," Jose says.
With Frederick keeping watch over Glenne as always, Chris arrives to see her. "The doctor said you are strong enough to talk. You don't have to talk, though, if you don't want to," he gently tells her. He then has to break the news that her eldest son is dead, along with Barry and the girl too. Glenne reacts to none of it, only that her love has been executed. Chris is very upset by her reaction and when he returns for her in the morning, he finds that she and Frederick have left. Anjelica offers him a job so he can stay with his son and then we see briefly that Glenne and Frederick have been killed by Indians.
In Ogalalla, Robert buys some new duds and some finery for Diane. The rest of the boys want some whores for their free time and they go to D.B. for advice, but the discussion is interrupted by the US Army, requisitioning horses for their ongoing fight against Indians. They beat D.B. when he refuses and then go after Ricky when he holds to the horse. Tommy Lee finally comes to their rescue and beats the man who attacked Ricky with a branding iron until Robert pulls him away. Robert tells Ricky that the reason Tommy Lee reacted so strongly was because he was protecting his son. The boys then return to their question to get laid.
Apparently more time has passed because Chris has become quite the horse trainer at Anjelica's. More strangers arrive at this farm, but this time it's the ones we expected. Robert and Anjelica run to each other's arms with a big kiss, in front of her daughters, Tommy Lee, Ricky and Diane. Robert is surprised to see Chris again. Tommy Lee and Ricky go with Chris to look at the horses Anjelica has for sale and Tommy Lee tells Chris that Robert Urich is dead. Robert and Anjelica talk over old times during a picnic for everyone. "I was never so married I couldn't have managed a friend," Anjelica chides Robert when she tells him she needed him over the years. She wrote him, but tore up the letters. Anjelica is also not judgmental about Diane. In fact, the only person she doesn't like is Tommy Lee, and only because he has had more time with Robert than she has. She takes quite a shine to Ricky too, hoping that he'll return and maybe marry her daughter in a few years.
The only thing about Diane that Anjelica doesn't like is that she's young and beautiful and she no longer is. "It sure was nice pretending you loved only me," Anjelica says, but Robert says he loves only her too. He claims he would kill Anjelica's husband and send Diane to hell just to stay with Anjelica, but Anjelica knows Diane is very much in love with Robert, so she tells Robert she would never marry again.
Knowing that Anjelica is out of his reach now, Robert decides to leave and Anjelica asks Diane to stay. The cow trail is "no place" for her. Robert promises to return, so Diane agrees. Anjelica has taken in a baby, a new hired hand and a young girl in a matter of weeks. Diane asks if Robert still wants to marry Anjelica and he says no, that time has changed them too much. As Robert leaves, Anjelica begs him one more time to stay, not to go to Montana and get killed by Indians, but Robert wants "to see one more place before I take up the rocking chair." Off he goes and rejoins the cattle push.
Tommy Lee is determined to keep going, despite being 80 miles from water. Danny asks Robert why Tommy Lee is so insistent, and it's simply because he wants to be the first man to raise cattle in the area. But, going 80 miles without water is tough on the men, who don't bear up well. Even the cattle look miserable. When the last of the water is doled out, none of the cowboys will take it. Luckily, they do make it 80 miles to water and everyone is revived. While they sleep, Indians steal their horses, so Tommy Lee insists they follow them. Danny says the Indians stole the horses for meat because they are so desperate for food, mostly women and children anyway. But, Tommy wants his horses back! Tommy Lee scares everyone away so they can get to the horses, but a blind child is left wandering around. Danny scoops him up, but an Indian kills him. "I guess it's our fault. We should have shot sooner," Tommy Lee says, cradling the baby.
As the final portion of the story begins, Danny is buried, but the rest press on. In Montana, even Robert has to admit it's exciting to be in a new country, but he cautions Ricky not to mention to Tommy Lee they think so. Robert then gives Ricky the psychological explanation of why Tommy Lee won't acknowledge he's Ricky's father: it would be admitting he's human.
Back in Nebraska, Anjelica's husband finally dies. "Sometimes grave diggin' is the only thing we do around here," she tells her Mexican hired hand. She then wonders about the afterlife.
Robert and Timothy decide to chase buffalo, just for the heck of it, because, as Robert notes, soon there won't be any of them left. Before Timothy can think about it, Robert rushes off and does it, unfortunately bringing a whole pack of Indians back with him. This is not good, especially since Robert has taken a few arrows to the leg and Timothy gets shot. The Indians leave, but our boys know they will be back, in greater numbers. They have to attend to the arrows in Robert's leg, which do not come out so easily. When the Indians return, Timothy wonders why the heck the ever left Texas.
The men are still trapped in their tiny cave, surrounded by Indians and now a rainstorm. They decide that Timothy should float down the creek, now swelled by rain water and head back to the camp to bring help. Robert can't move in his condition. Timothy makes it through the storm, his shoulder aching a bit, no doubt from the gunshot that went right through it. He has no idea which direction he's going, so he falls to the ground and tries to sleep. That's when he sees the ghost of Danny Glover and says, "I'm coming, wait for me."
Ron Weyand, who looks like a hippy 100 years before they existed, comes to Robert's rescue. Robert's leg is so badly infected that it looks like it needs amputation, but Ron let's him ride his horse. Timothy isn't dead yet. He's sitting in the middle of a field when Tommy Lee and D.B. find him. Tommy Lee decides to go after Robert alone. Robert has somehow made it to a Montana town where he can finally have a doctor tend to his wounds. Once Robert wakes up, he finds his leg has indeed been amputated, joking with the doctor that he hopes he saved the leg so he could use the bone as a crutch. The doctor insists the other leg has to go too, or else he'll die. Robert puts him off by sending him out for whiskey and to tip the whore playing the piano so he can have pretty music.
Tommy Lee arrives at the cave where Robert had been hiding out and follows Robert's trail all the way to the Montana town and Robert's bedside. Robert has a gun cocked and ready for anyone who tries to take his other leg. "I'm the one man you don't boss," Robert tells Tommy Lee. In their bantering way, Tommy Lee wonders what Robert needs his legs for, since all he does is sit on the porch, but Robert says he "likes to kick a pig every now and then." Robert admits it's vanity that is making him keep the leg, and they also discuss what kind of funeral Robert would want. His ideal burial spot is "Clara's Orchard," the spot in Texas where he tearily told Tommy Lee of his love for Anjelica. Tommy Lee has to haul him all the way back to Texas? Robert tells him, "I'm sending you on another adventure so you don't get bored being a rancher." And one last request: Robert wants Tommy Lee to admit to Ricky that he's his father. Robert writes notes for Anjelica and Diane, but he's "so lightheaded" he "forgets which is which." This scene bursts with tenderness, but in character. The two don't get sloppily emotional, but they do get to say their goodbyes in their own special way.
Because it's winter, the doctor suggests they keep Robert's body in Montana and take it back to Texas in the spring. The doctor assumes Tommy Lee will forget to come back for the body, but he doesn't know that Tommy Lee would never promise something he didn't intend to do to the fullest. He then has to gather the men and tell them that Robert is dead. For the winter, however, they still have to man the cattle, even in snowy cold conditions. Tommy Lee pretty much keeps to himself until they reach a spot by a river where he decides to build his ranch, bringing the cattle drive to a stop.
D.B. wants his wages so he can go chase after Diane, who he refers to as a whole, much to Tommy Lee's consternation. The rest of the men stay to construct a ranch, though Tommy Lee sends a few of the boys, under the command of Ricky, to go sell some cattle to a nearby Army camp. Not all are thrilled to be taking orders from the youngster, and a fight even breaks out, but his resolve is strong.
The months tick by and a ranch takes shape. Ricky is able to tame horses, "just like you," Timothy notes to Tommy Lee, who says nothing, but looks on with pride. When Tommy Lee leaves to fulfill his promise to Robert to take his body back to Texas, he almost tells Ricky he's his father, but the words choke in his throat, though clear to everyone. He does leave him in charge of the ranch, though.
Because D.B. had brought the news, Diane and Anjelica know Robert is dead and that Tommy Lee is taking his body all the way back to Texas. Even Anjelica tries to convince him to leave the body at her little cemetery, but Tommy Lee intends to keep his promise. He also gives both women the letters Robert wrote on his death bed. Poor D.B. has been working at Anjelica's ranch, pining for Diane the whole time, even when she skips dinner to spend the whole night standing by Robert's coffin. Anjelica reads her letter, in which Robert asks her to take care of Diane, but Diane cannot read. Anjelica offers to read Diane's letter to her, but she doesn't need to hear it. That it has her name on it in his handwriting is enough for her. Anjelica tries one more time to convince Tommy Lee to leave the body, full of hate for him. He's keeping that promise, but not the other one she knows Robert would have asked of him: give Ricky his name. Anjelica says she "despises" him, but what she's really angry at is that Robert and Tommy Lee had the closeness and tight bond she could never have with Robert.
Alone, Tommy Lee actually hauls the body back down, encountering small towns that have heard of his exploit, Indians who thankfully leave him a lone and even a bad wheel that needs fixing in New Mexico. The local blacksmith even knows about Tommy Lee's promise. By coincidence, it's in the New Mexico town that Frederic is awaiting execution for killing a family. Naturally, Tommy Lee wants to see him. Frederic is still unrepentant, not surprised that Tommy Lee brought Robert's "stinking corpse" to see his funeral.
Frederic avoids hanging by trying to escape and falling out the window with a guard to his death, the "flying" he told Tommy Lee he was taught to do. The wagon carrying Robert's body is destroyed in a river, along with the coffin, but Tommy Lee pushes on, dragging just the body behind his horse. Birds of prey eat at the body and Tommy Lee looks like he ages 20 years by the time he reaches the promised spot, a man with a determined soul, but a broken body. He finally buries the body. "Well, there you are," he says when it's done, now unable to hold back the tears. "I guess this will teach me to be more careful about what I promise in the future."
Actually, Tommy Lee makes it all the way back to Lonesome Dove, where the Mexican cook is ringing the dinner bell, though no one is around to eat. Tommy Lee notes where all the dead men are buried, but the rest are safe in Montana building a ranch. Not much is left of Lonesome Dove. The saloon burnt down, with only the piano recognizable in the char, a suicide by the owner who missed Diane too much to go on. A reporter from San Antonio wants to interview Tommy Lee, a taciturn man who does not rest on the laurels of his many accomplishments.
In actuality, "Lonesome Dove" is just a collection of rather tame vignettes strung together by the personality of its characters. It really shouldn't work as well as it does. It's missing most of the elements of a typical miniseries: epic thrust, high emotion and even higher drama. Hell, there's not even a slumming movie star in sight! But, due to exceptional writing and exquisite acting, "Lonesome Dove" is a shining example of American television at its best, no matter kind of genre label it is given.
The town is Lonesome Dove in Southern Texas, as dusty and sleepy a Western town as they come, if you can call the few ramshackle buildings a town. The chow bell rings for dinner, bringing Robert Duvall, Tommy Lee Jones, Timothy Scott and Ricky Schroder together. Robert is serving and when Tommy Lee jokingly suggests he get a job as a waiter instead of a "loafer," he says he once had a job on a riverboat. "I was too pretty and the whores wouldn't let me alone," he says to make Ricky laugh. In just a few minutes, we race through a discussion of slavery ending and the chase of the Native Americans into virtual extinction.
It seems that craggy Robert and equally craggy Tommy Lee have a cantankerous relationship, full of jabs at each other. Tommy Lee is the worker, while Robert is the old-timer with a piece of wisdom for every occasion. Robert goes off to the saloon where D.B. Sweeney begs him for money, but Robert and the gang spend their time playing cards all night long. After, Robert loans D.B. the two dollars, which D.B. wants to use for the one woman in town before sleeping on Robert's porch.
Just as breakfast is starting the next morning, Danny Glover returns to town with Robert Urich in tow, the latter reuniting with the others after many years. Robert Urich has returned to get his friends with some colorful stories and can't believe how big Ricky has gotten. Ricky's mother was a whore, dead many years now, and one of the guys is the kid's father, obviously Tommy Lee, who won't admit it.
Arkansas Sheriff Chris Cooper is told by a local woman to arrest Robert Urich, who is a known murderer on the run. The lady means business, snapping the neck of a rooster she's holding, scaring Chris into action, but Chris knows Robert Urich is living in Texas now with his friends Robert and Tommy Lee, who are ex-Texas Rangers and therefore not an easy man to arrest. Chris tells his wife Glenne Headley that he probably should go after Robert Urich, but as a newlywed of five months, she's not thrilled, and insists he take her young son.
Robert Duvall asks Robert Urich about Clara, a woman he loved, who is apparently now married with children somewhere in Nebraska. It's obvious he still pines for her. Tommy Lee wonders why they don't take Robert Urich up on his offer to clear Montana of Native Americans and drive cattle into the area. "I wanna see that country before bankers and lawyers," he wistfully tells his old pal. D.B. has spent all day working off the two dollars, only to show up at the saloon to find Robert Urich making the whole place rock with the whore upstairs. D.B. gets drunk to forget.
Everything so far has been working up to what the men really do for a living, which is slip over the border to Mexico at night and steal horses. With the most picturesque sunset to guide them, the seven men set off, easily crossing the river and making their way into Mexico. When they find the herd, Danny hears "white folks" singing, doing some recon to find there are two men on guard, but they are drunk Irishmen (in the Old West, the two always go together) and no harm (Travis Swords and Bradley Gregg). In fact, they don't even know they are in Mexico and decide to join our posse as they all drive the horses back across the river. They manage to steal over 100 horses.
Chris heads off with Glenne's son to go after Robert Urich, but Glenne has also slipped away, much to the consternation of the town gossips, who insist that Deputy Barry Corbin go after Chris to tell him. Glenne boards a "whiskey boat," full of drunken toughs who lust after her since she's the only woman around. In fact, one of them kills another because he has it in his mind to marry her, despite the fact that she's already married...to a man who is not Chris, and that's where she's heading.
The idea of going up North has really gotten to Tommy Lee, and it appeals to everyone else as well, though Robert Duvall has his doubts. Biding his time, he goes to the local hooker (Diane Lane) and asks to "buy a poke," but she says she's with Robert Urich now, she's his girl and he's promised to take her to San Francisco. But, after Robert pulls a higher card than her, she takes him upstairs. Robert Urich, who's idea the cattle drive was in the first place, but "he's too leaky a vessel for anyone to put too much hope in," Robert Duvall cracks, knowing Robert Urich has no intention of going. Robert Urich goes over to Diane's and when he finds out she's been with Robert Duvall, he smacks her. She insists on going wherever he goes, though she would prefer San Francisco. She begs him to take her now, not wanting to go with the herd, and she has him buy her a horse with the $50 Robert Duvall paid her. "Money well spent...both times," he says. Seeing Robert Urich and Diane Lane leaving, Robert Duvall decides it's time to leave. No use waiting for a few days.
Robert Duvall says goodbye to Lonesome Dove, to the empty shacks, to the pigs even to the saloon keeper who is crying over shots at the loss of Diane. The saloon piano player is the last to join the gang of misfit cowboys.
The cattle drive starts. The pigs refuse to be left alone and actually join. Robert Duvall and Tommy Lee Jones, in their easygoing way, are actually excited to drive 2600 head of cattle and a whole lot of stolen horses up North. Robert Urich gets a thorn in his thumb and it's infected, but Danny helps get it out, also telling them to move their camp to the opposite side of the river before the storm comes. The storm is a giant one and comes on fast, miles of dust moving at top speed. Ricky is amazed when lightning comes and actually seems to hit the entire herd (with some particularly bad special effects). Robert Urich and Diane are almost killed by a falling tree.
The next day is spent undoing the damage. The wagon is stuck in a ditch, but no men are lost, and only about 20 cows. The pigs are okay. Bradley is afraid of rivers, though he's "crossed an ocean" and doesn't understand his fear. Robert Duvall comes to make sure Robert Urich and Diane are okay, but Robert Urich is in a particularly surly mood. Robert Urich decides he and Diane will go to San Antonio to make money gambling, but she refuses to go.
What makes "Lonesome Dove" work so well is the writing, which makes sure to infuse the characters with subtle relationships. These are not men of many words, but the words they do use, jokes mainly, are actually proof of their friendship, strong and unyielding. Something as simple as Bradley being afraid to cross a river, which he confesses to Ricky, bonds them immediately. Ricky says he'll cross first to show him there's no reason to worry. Ricky makes it, but as Bradley crosses, he's attacked by water moccasins as Ricky watches in horror.
The second part of the series starts with the attack, but Bradley isn't dead, at least not yet. "Not much we can do, he's been bitten too many times," Robert Duvall says a minute before he finally expires. The entire gang had gone into river to save him, nearly a complete stranger, and though Robert remains philosophical about the death, Ricky is sad to lose his new friend, who is buried with appropriate reverence. Travis tries to sing an Irish song, but he breaks up, so Robert Duvall steps in with a few choice words and then urges the gang on. "The best thing you can do about death is ride out from it," Tommy Lee says. It's time to move on.
In the other part of the plot, Barry Corbin is still trying to track down Chris Cooper and comes across a horrible old man who refuses to share his possum and strikes the woman he "bought and paid for." That girl, Nina Siemaszko, has seen Chris and the boy, but refuses to guide Barry unless he takes her with him. So, she hobbles the old man and convinces Barry to let her come along. "I'm gonna follow you anyway," she says, adding that she can catch their food. Glenne is on her way to Ogalalla, with Steve Buscemi along for the ride. Chris writes Glenne a letter, not knowing she won't be at the house to receive it.
Since the cattle drive's cook left, they need a new one, and find one in a small town, Jorge Martinez de Hoyos. Jorge will not ride an animal, which he says "is not civilized," so he will walk alongside everyone. In the same town, Robert Duvall knocks the bartender into the bar when he's disrespectful, not recognizing Tommy Lee and Robert from the picture on the wall, back in the day when they were famous Indian chasers. They are somewhat upset that they have been forgotten, wondering if they won't end up like Indians, extinct, in a few years.
"When were you the happiest?" Robert asks Tommy Lee, who doesn't think like that. Robert remember exactly, sitting by the creek where he is with his one true love. The thought of it even brings him to tears as he admits "letting her slip away like I did" was the biggest mistake he ever made. To diffuse the emotion, Tommy Lee says, "you still have your whores," but that only brings Robert to another issue: the fact that Ricky is Tommy Lee's son and that he never treated his mother well. Tommy Lee can't even look at Robert as they discuss it. This scene runs less than five minutes, but it shows exactly why "Lonesome Dove" is so appealing. It's certainly not the plot, which barely holds together. It's about the characters. This is a true novel (a Pulitzer Prize winner by Larry McMurtry no less) filmed. They creators have not abandoned the characters in favor of spectacle. In fact, they have emphasized them so much that in two hours of running time so far, there has been barely any excitement, other than a brief dust storm that lasted moments and one death. The story here is the bonds of friendship, not the actual cattle drive or the myths of the Old West.
The comic relief plot, which is admittedly a bit goofy, churns on with Nina telling Barry that she'll cook frogs for dinner, but that their feet jump around as they are being cooked. She hears men approaching and runs off. The two want tobacco from him, but he has none. So, they want his gun and his horse...and his clothes! Lucky for Barry Nina didn't run far, because she throws rocks at them and Barry is able to run off. Just as the bandits are about to shoot Barry, again, Chris rides over with a gun and between him and Nina, they get the bad guys to ride off scared. When Chris is told of Glenne's running away, little Adam tells him that his father isn't dead, as Glenne told Chris and Barry chimes in that Glenne is pregnant. It's a whole lot of news to take in at once.
Robert Duvall sees Diane alone again and goes to keep her company, much to the annoyance of Tommy Lee, who wants to get to Montana with the cattle. Diane knows Robert Urich has left her and he's not taking her anywhere, so Robert tries his best to cheer her up. He gives her some good philosophy, to learn to like the "everyday things," rather than dreaming big. To get her laughing, he strips down to his long underwear and tosses her into the water. But, her sights are set on California and he aims for Ogalalla and his true love. He then spots an Indian approaching. The Indian is Frederic Forrest, who recognizes Robert from his Indian killing days. He would love to kill "two wore out Rangers," but since Tommy Lee isn't around, he'll hunt for other white men to kill. And off he goes. Diane will not budge, so they send Ricky to protect her, though he gets knocked out by an unseen assailant. His horse makes it back to camp without him.
Robert Urich arrives soon after with Ricky, but Diane is gone, which means Frederic has taken her. Robert is pissed at everyone for letting Diane be taken. He rails at Ricky and almost fights with D.B., but Robert Duvall takes bullets and trails Frederic. He's the only one who can get him. Indeed Frederic has Diane, whom he deal with rather abusively, but he's less scary than a bunch of his friends, who are willing to trade horse and hides for her. Or maybe he is, shooting a man just for holding up a game of dice.
Robert Duvall rides in search of Diane, but encounters way too many Indians and they all have guns. Knowing just what to do, he stops, kills his horse and uses it as a defensive wall, now able to shoot at the Indians and have then running scared. He's not completely safe, alone in the desert behind a dead horse. The marauders stay where they are, with some scary looking guns and Robert throws them off the trail by shooting far from them, making them think he can't shoot, of course picking the exact right moment to knock off the most annoying of them.
Tommy Lee is worried about his best friend, and so are the other men. Jose says that Robert will never catch Frederic and D.B. sings his familiar refrain about how it's Robert Urich's fault. He's so in love with Diane that he intends to marry her if she returns without Robert Urich. This starts another fight, but Tommy Lee steps in to stop it quickly.
Night is beginning to fall and Robert is still fairly defenseless, with just the rotting horse between him and the bad guys, but sensing they are gone, he takes his saddle and gear and walks until he finds a group of people: Barry, Nina, Chris and Adam. Our plots have finally intersected. Robert recognizes Chris as the Sheriff chasing Robert Urich, and also as the guys who started shooting to scare off the bad guys. They are a motley band, no match for the gang, but Robert says he can do it alone.
Diane is still being mistreated by Frederic, whose friends want her, but he decides she's not worth it and leaves her for the coyotes to get. The bad guys want her, but he warns them that if they stay with her and Robert comes, all will be lost. They all get drink and Robert rides into their campsite, plucking them off one by one with single bullets. He's able to rescue the traumatized Diane. Chris is amazed that Robert could kill all of those men so easily. He didn't have to do a thing! However, Frederic had left the camp and the next we see of him, he's stabbing Barry and then kills Nina and Adam too. That's fiendish! Chris digs them graves with just a bowl and Robert helps him bury the three unfortunate souls. Chris wants to help Robert track him down, but Robert says, "I guess we have to let him go this time." He advises Chris to search for Glenne, and promises to kill Frederic should he encounter him again.
Speaking of Glenne, noticeably pregnant (time seems to have gone faster for her), she's somewhere in Kansas with Frederick Coffin and Steve Buscemi. Steve tries to rape her, but Frederick, who has been killing men who wanted to touch her since the whiskey boat, pulls Steve off her and offers to kill him, throwing him against the wheel over and over, but Glenne wants him alive "in case the Indians come." He will not tolerate anyone trying to "marry" her as he thinks of sex.
Robert Urich has been gambling for days and is convinced to help some local lowlifes rob banks in Kansas.
Having sent Chris off on his personal mission, Robert Duvall has to protect Diane, beaten and frightened. He makes his way to Adobe Walls, in Northern Texas, a tiny little shelter from the rain. Sweet man that he is, he tries to snap her back to life by playing cards with her, but she's too traumatized and breaks down. As she cries on his shoulder, the second part ends.
Part Three begins with Robert Duvall rejoining his men as the Canadian River is crossed. "You have become this gal's caretaker," Tommy Lee says, somewhat annoyed at this increasing diversion from the work. Diane still has not really recovered. She still cries. She asks Robert why he doesn't ask "for a poke no more?" He says he's being respectful of her situation.
Robert Urich is running with a really bad crowd. They surprise him by wanting to rob horse wranglers instead of a bank. During the gun battle, one is shot and the leader callously kills him because "it was just his unlucky day, huh," as Robert puts it, now terrified of this bunch.
Only one of the horse wranglers lives and Danny finds him. So, the leads have to go off and track down the guys who did this. That means Robert Duvall has to leave Diane and she's afraid. The guys follow birds until finding the dead bodies, which they take the time to bury. Danny follows the tracks and knows there are four of them, but that also Robert Urich is with them. They suggest that it's just Robert's horse, but Danny knows the tracks "his horse makes with him on it." Geez, that's some excellent skill! They better find their wayward friend soon, because his crazy new pals are giving innocent farmers, or "sod busters" just to go through their house. The leader finds only a watch. Killed two men for a watch and then he hangs and burns the bodies! Two more graves for the heroes to dig.
Danny spots the bad posse only a little bit away and they surprise them. Tommy Lee orders them tied up, and that means Robert Urich too, because he participated. His longtime friends have to go with the credo that "you ride with an outlaw, you die with an outlaw." That means they all have to hang from trees. They kill the bad guys and then it's only Robert Urich left. Robert Duvall tells him he has Diane safe and then says goodbye to his friends. "I'd rather be hung by my friends than by strangers," Robert Urich says. He doesn't wait for anyone to whip his horse from under him. He digs his spurs in and does it himself. They are all upset, but Tommy Lee reminds them they have the cattle, so a grave has to be dug. They leave only the leader on the tree with a sign that says "Man Burner and Horse Thief."
At long last, we meet Robert Duvall's long lost love, Anjelica Houston. She's caring for an injured husband kicked by a horse and unable to move, as well as two young daughters. All of her other children have died. It's Glenne and her cohorts who arrive at Anjelica's farm and are invited to stay. "This woman's going to have a baby," Anjelica says and one is born. That was mighty quick! When she left Arkansas, no one could even tell she was pregnant! Glenne has serious post-partum depression, but Anjelica is understanding and she and her daughters will help her. Her gentleman friends push on to Ogalalla and take Glenne, but leave the baby. Her beloved is in jail, about to be executed for the murder of a boy. She passes out at the jail.
Coincidentally, Chris now shows up at Anjelica's farm. Anjelica is gently rocking the baby when he arrives. Ever hospitable, Anjelica invites Chris in for a meal, just inches away from his son. Anjelica figures out he's Glenne's husband (both being from Arkansas) and tells the baby is his, but that she left. Chris breaks down and Anjelica tells her daughter, "men have tears in 'em, just like you" when they wonder why a man can cry. Anjelica is honest with Chris: Glenne wants neither Chris nor the baby. She never even looked at the baby before leaving. To make it worse, Anjelica admits "loves new things" and is getting "attached" to the baby. She asks him if he wants the baby, and if he does, take him now, because she can't "go through the heartsick of losing another one." Chris asks for the chance to find Glenne first.
The cattle drive nears Ogalalla and Anjelica too. Diane is worried about how she'll be introduced and she's suddenly ashamed of who she is, which Robert tells her not to be. Robert admits he would like to marry Anjelica. He goes to Jose, who can tell fortunes, and asks if he'll marry again. "No more wife for you," Jose says.
With Frederick keeping watch over Glenne as always, Chris arrives to see her. "The doctor said you are strong enough to talk. You don't have to talk, though, if you don't want to," he gently tells her. He then has to break the news that her eldest son is dead, along with Barry and the girl too. Glenne reacts to none of it, only that her love has been executed. Chris is very upset by her reaction and when he returns for her in the morning, he finds that she and Frederick have left. Anjelica offers him a job so he can stay with his son and then we see briefly that Glenne and Frederick have been killed by Indians.
In Ogalalla, Robert buys some new duds and some finery for Diane. The rest of the boys want some whores for their free time and they go to D.B. for advice, but the discussion is interrupted by the US Army, requisitioning horses for their ongoing fight against Indians. They beat D.B. when he refuses and then go after Ricky when he holds to the horse. Tommy Lee finally comes to their rescue and beats the man who attacked Ricky with a branding iron until Robert pulls him away. Robert tells Ricky that the reason Tommy Lee reacted so strongly was because he was protecting his son. The boys then return to their question to get laid.
Apparently more time has passed because Chris has become quite the horse trainer at Anjelica's. More strangers arrive at this farm, but this time it's the ones we expected. Robert and Anjelica run to each other's arms with a big kiss, in front of her daughters, Tommy Lee, Ricky and Diane. Robert is surprised to see Chris again. Tommy Lee and Ricky go with Chris to look at the horses Anjelica has for sale and Tommy Lee tells Chris that Robert Urich is dead. Robert and Anjelica talk over old times during a picnic for everyone. "I was never so married I couldn't have managed a friend," Anjelica chides Robert when she tells him she needed him over the years. She wrote him, but tore up the letters. Anjelica is also not judgmental about Diane. In fact, the only person she doesn't like is Tommy Lee, and only because he has had more time with Robert than she has. She takes quite a shine to Ricky too, hoping that he'll return and maybe marry her daughter in a few years.
The only thing about Diane that Anjelica doesn't like is that she's young and beautiful and she no longer is. "It sure was nice pretending you loved only me," Anjelica says, but Robert says he loves only her too. He claims he would kill Anjelica's husband and send Diane to hell just to stay with Anjelica, but Anjelica knows Diane is very much in love with Robert, so she tells Robert she would never marry again.
Knowing that Anjelica is out of his reach now, Robert decides to leave and Anjelica asks Diane to stay. The cow trail is "no place" for her. Robert promises to return, so Diane agrees. Anjelica has taken in a baby, a new hired hand and a young girl in a matter of weeks. Diane asks if Robert still wants to marry Anjelica and he says no, that time has changed them too much. As Robert leaves, Anjelica begs him one more time to stay, not to go to Montana and get killed by Indians, but Robert wants "to see one more place before I take up the rocking chair." Off he goes and rejoins the cattle push.
Tommy Lee is determined to keep going, despite being 80 miles from water. Danny asks Robert why Tommy Lee is so insistent, and it's simply because he wants to be the first man to raise cattle in the area. But, going 80 miles without water is tough on the men, who don't bear up well. Even the cattle look miserable. When the last of the water is doled out, none of the cowboys will take it. Luckily, they do make it 80 miles to water and everyone is revived. While they sleep, Indians steal their horses, so Tommy Lee insists they follow them. Danny says the Indians stole the horses for meat because they are so desperate for food, mostly women and children anyway. But, Tommy wants his horses back! Tommy Lee scares everyone away so they can get to the horses, but a blind child is left wandering around. Danny scoops him up, but an Indian kills him. "I guess it's our fault. We should have shot sooner," Tommy Lee says, cradling the baby.
As the final portion of the story begins, Danny is buried, but the rest press on. In Montana, even Robert has to admit it's exciting to be in a new country, but he cautions Ricky not to mention to Tommy Lee they think so. Robert then gives Ricky the psychological explanation of why Tommy Lee won't acknowledge he's Ricky's father: it would be admitting he's human.
Back in Nebraska, Anjelica's husband finally dies. "Sometimes grave diggin' is the only thing we do around here," she tells her Mexican hired hand. She then wonders about the afterlife.
Robert and Timothy decide to chase buffalo, just for the heck of it, because, as Robert notes, soon there won't be any of them left. Before Timothy can think about it, Robert rushes off and does it, unfortunately bringing a whole pack of Indians back with him. This is not good, especially since Robert has taken a few arrows to the leg and Timothy gets shot. The Indians leave, but our boys know they will be back, in greater numbers. They have to attend to the arrows in Robert's leg, which do not come out so easily. When the Indians return, Timothy wonders why the heck the ever left Texas.
The men are still trapped in their tiny cave, surrounded by Indians and now a rainstorm. They decide that Timothy should float down the creek, now swelled by rain water and head back to the camp to bring help. Robert can't move in his condition. Timothy makes it through the storm, his shoulder aching a bit, no doubt from the gunshot that went right through it. He has no idea which direction he's going, so he falls to the ground and tries to sleep. That's when he sees the ghost of Danny Glover and says, "I'm coming, wait for me."
Ron Weyand, who looks like a hippy 100 years before they existed, comes to Robert's rescue. Robert's leg is so badly infected that it looks like it needs amputation, but Ron let's him ride his horse. Timothy isn't dead yet. He's sitting in the middle of a field when Tommy Lee and D.B. find him. Tommy Lee decides to go after Robert alone. Robert has somehow made it to a Montana town where he can finally have a doctor tend to his wounds. Once Robert wakes up, he finds his leg has indeed been amputated, joking with the doctor that he hopes he saved the leg so he could use the bone as a crutch. The doctor insists the other leg has to go too, or else he'll die. Robert puts him off by sending him out for whiskey and to tip the whore playing the piano so he can have pretty music.
Tommy Lee arrives at the cave where Robert had been hiding out and follows Robert's trail all the way to the Montana town and Robert's bedside. Robert has a gun cocked and ready for anyone who tries to take his other leg. "I'm the one man you don't boss," Robert tells Tommy Lee. In their bantering way, Tommy Lee wonders what Robert needs his legs for, since all he does is sit on the porch, but Robert says he "likes to kick a pig every now and then." Robert admits it's vanity that is making him keep the leg, and they also discuss what kind of funeral Robert would want. His ideal burial spot is "Clara's Orchard," the spot in Texas where he tearily told Tommy Lee of his love for Anjelica. Tommy Lee has to haul him all the way back to Texas? Robert tells him, "I'm sending you on another adventure so you don't get bored being a rancher." And one last request: Robert wants Tommy Lee to admit to Ricky that he's his father. Robert writes notes for Anjelica and Diane, but he's "so lightheaded" he "forgets which is which." This scene bursts with tenderness, but in character. The two don't get sloppily emotional, but they do get to say their goodbyes in their own special way.
Because it's winter, the doctor suggests they keep Robert's body in Montana and take it back to Texas in the spring. The doctor assumes Tommy Lee will forget to come back for the body, but he doesn't know that Tommy Lee would never promise something he didn't intend to do to the fullest. He then has to gather the men and tell them that Robert is dead. For the winter, however, they still have to man the cattle, even in snowy cold conditions. Tommy Lee pretty much keeps to himself until they reach a spot by a river where he decides to build his ranch, bringing the cattle drive to a stop.
D.B. wants his wages so he can go chase after Diane, who he refers to as a whole, much to Tommy Lee's consternation. The rest of the men stay to construct a ranch, though Tommy Lee sends a few of the boys, under the command of Ricky, to go sell some cattle to a nearby Army camp. Not all are thrilled to be taking orders from the youngster, and a fight even breaks out, but his resolve is strong.
The months tick by and a ranch takes shape. Ricky is able to tame horses, "just like you," Timothy notes to Tommy Lee, who says nothing, but looks on with pride. When Tommy Lee leaves to fulfill his promise to Robert to take his body back to Texas, he almost tells Ricky he's his father, but the words choke in his throat, though clear to everyone. He does leave him in charge of the ranch, though.
Because D.B. had brought the news, Diane and Anjelica know Robert is dead and that Tommy Lee is taking his body all the way back to Texas. Even Anjelica tries to convince him to leave the body at her little cemetery, but Tommy Lee intends to keep his promise. He also gives both women the letters Robert wrote on his death bed. Poor D.B. has been working at Anjelica's ranch, pining for Diane the whole time, even when she skips dinner to spend the whole night standing by Robert's coffin. Anjelica reads her letter, in which Robert asks her to take care of Diane, but Diane cannot read. Anjelica offers to read Diane's letter to her, but she doesn't need to hear it. That it has her name on it in his handwriting is enough for her. Anjelica tries one more time to convince Tommy Lee to leave the body, full of hate for him. He's keeping that promise, but not the other one she knows Robert would have asked of him: give Ricky his name. Anjelica says she "despises" him, but what she's really angry at is that Robert and Tommy Lee had the closeness and tight bond she could never have with Robert.
Alone, Tommy Lee actually hauls the body back down, encountering small towns that have heard of his exploit, Indians who thankfully leave him a lone and even a bad wheel that needs fixing in New Mexico. The local blacksmith even knows about Tommy Lee's promise. By coincidence, it's in the New Mexico town that Frederic is awaiting execution for killing a family. Naturally, Tommy Lee wants to see him. Frederic is still unrepentant, not surprised that Tommy Lee brought Robert's "stinking corpse" to see his funeral.
Frederic avoids hanging by trying to escape and falling out the window with a guard to his death, the "flying" he told Tommy Lee he was taught to do. The wagon carrying Robert's body is destroyed in a river, along with the coffin, but Tommy Lee pushes on, dragging just the body behind his horse. Birds of prey eat at the body and Tommy Lee looks like he ages 20 years by the time he reaches the promised spot, a man with a determined soul, but a broken body. He finally buries the body. "Well, there you are," he says when it's done, now unable to hold back the tears. "I guess this will teach me to be more careful about what I promise in the future."
Actually, Tommy Lee makes it all the way back to Lonesome Dove, where the Mexican cook is ringing the dinner bell, though no one is around to eat. Tommy Lee notes where all the dead men are buried, but the rest are safe in Montana building a ranch. Not much is left of Lonesome Dove. The saloon burnt down, with only the piano recognizable in the char, a suicide by the owner who missed Diane too much to go on. A reporter from San Antonio wants to interview Tommy Lee, a taciturn man who does not rest on the laurels of his many accomplishments.
In actuality, "Lonesome Dove" is just a collection of rather tame vignettes strung together by the personality of its characters. It really shouldn't work as well as it does. It's missing most of the elements of a typical miniseries: epic thrust, high emotion and even higher drama. Hell, there's not even a slumming movie star in sight! But, due to exceptional writing and exquisite acting, "Lonesome Dove" is a shining example of American television at its best, no matter kind of genre label it is given.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Stephen King's It (1990)
Alex Haley isn't the only author whose name can help sell a miniseries. Stephen King, a worldwide favorite, had a slew of miniseries made from his books, though "It" is the best of the lot, appropriately scary and definitely creepy, but with King's unique sense of humor intact. And an evil clown. You can't top an evil clown.
I should add that it makes sense to turn "It" into a miniseries rather than a feature film like so many other King tales because this one has an emotional resonance to it that TV did so well at the time. All of King's stories have true heart to them somewhere (poor Carrie is a victim of her mother, Annie of her lonely life, etc.), but "It" balances precariously on the fine line between emotional truth and emotional goo. The latter would have been laughed out of a movie theater, so it's better on TV where it can be PG, meaning gooey and scary as heck, rather than scary as hell.
You don't need to be told that the story takes place in Maine. They all do. In the present, a little girl rides into her backyard as a storm is brewing, hearing the laughter of children and seeing the craziest clown. Her mother goes to fetch her, only to find out the kid is dead. Librarian Tim Reid is worried because six kids have gone missing, with varying excuses. This murder has him spooked. "It's time to tell the others what's happening," he says to himself.
The others would be his childhood friends. There is writer Richard Thomas, married to complaining Olivia Hussey (as far from the Virgin Mary as you can get), unhappy that he is writing a screenplay based on one of his. Tim calls Richard first and there starts a flashback to 30 years ago. Younger Richard (Jonathan Brandis, keeping Richard's stutter that appears only when he thinks of this episode), has an annoying little brother he sends out in a rainstorm with a boat made out of newspaper. The boat goes down the sewer and as the little brother is going to reach for it, the scary clown Pennywise (Tim Curry) appears. Pennywise taunts the kid with all the fun stuff in the sewer and then bares his fangs and kills the tyke. Guilty Young Richard goes into his brother's room and a book of pictures flutters and leaks blood. "I forgot, how could I forget?" Richard says and leaves his wife, with the parting words that his brother was murdered and never told her because he "forgot."
Next up is drunken John Ritter, complete with a fling of the night in massive shoulder pads. He's a New York City architect who lives in a gigantic loft, so gigantic it's the size of a borough. As he's kissing the bimbo, he tells her how fat he was a child, and that's when Tim calls. Timing, huh? Tim asks him to return to Maine, and John, who claims to remember "very little," shoos away the bimbo and gulps down a drink. "You're going to kill yourself," she says. "No, but it might be better if I did," he snaps and then takes the elevator all the way up to one of his buildings for his flashback. Young John is new in town, but he's so fat that the cool kids make fun of him. The main cool kid looks as if he's been held back about 15 years, and he's sent to detention, causing one of the other kids to quip, "it's gonna be a good funeral" to Young John. And, of course, on his way home, the cool, if noticeably older kids, attack him, but he escapes into a sewage tunnel, where they are distracted by two of the other outcasts, one of them being stuttering Young Richard. Young John has a lot of problems. Not only are his new friends all considered nerds, but he's had to move to Maine with his mother because his mother is on the dole, dad having died in Korea. Back at the creek where he hid out from the old cool kids, he sees a vision of his father, which soon turns into the evil clown, with Tim Curry going all out,.
The only female member of the gang is Annette O'Toole, living as a designer in Chicago with an overbearing business partner and lover, Ryan Michael, who scares the hell out of her. Since it's 1990, she's designing a collection to be bought by the Japanese. The Japanese owned everything in in the 80s, remember? Annette gets her call from Tim while Ryan should be combing his chest hair, but is instead on the hunt for a bottle of champagne. Annette tries to leave after the call, but Ryan slaps her. "You've forgotten your lessons," he says, pulling out a strap with which to whip her. She knocks him out with a bottle of cold cream and threatens to kill him in the best up close melodrama acting she can muster. In her flashback, she is a nerdy girl with an abusive father who receives a lovely poem from Young John. He brings her to meet his other new friends and they have fun together at the creek. Young Annette hears voices of dead kids calling to her from the sink and a balloon pops through and explodes, covering her in blood. The scene is so chilling because the blood is only in her mind and her father touches the sink, covered in blood he can't see and then keeps touching her. "You'll die if you try," the clown's voice repeats over and over.
Meet Dennis Christopher, then and now an asthmatic helpless without his inhaler, and the runt of our goofy gang As an adult, he lives with a shrieking mother, and as a kid, he and his pals were constantly running into those ever-aging cool kids and getting into trouble. The nerdy kids have become quite a crowd, smart asses who speak like then current Borscht Belt comedians, but his mother says, "you don't need any friends but your old ma." She forbids him to shower with the other kids, but the phys ed teacher refuses to let him off from showering. Alone in the shower, suddenly all the nozzles turn on and start chasing him around the room. The clown comes out of the drain to taunt him about his weaknesses and then bares those horrible fangs.
Since it's 1990, Harry Anderson was still a big star and an obvious choice to be in a miniseries (thankfully time would flatten his annoying nonsense crap). In the present, he's a successful comedian (really playing against type, stretch it, Harry). Harry's agent isn't happy that Harry has to go back to Maine. Who will sub for Carson next week like Harry was supposed to do? "Let Leno do it!" how prophetic. In the past, he's a red-haired kid with glasses. As he and his friends are down at the creek, a police officer comes to tell them another child has been killed and they should always be there together, never alone. Now about 47, the evil cool kids are after him because he dropped food on them at the movies and they go after him in the cafeteria, but he has the last laugh because they slip on mashed potatoes. The principal sends him to the basement to get a mop to clean up the mess (Annette's father is the janitor). Down in the bowels of the school, he encounters the clown dressed as a movie monster, giving his usual refrain about teaching the kids to "float." Young Harry runs back upstairs and announces to the whole school that there's a monster in the basement and all but his friends laugh at him. They have all seen things too horrible to understand as well.
Tim deserves a flashback too! His starts in class, where the teacher asks what we've all been asking of the 84-year old cool kid, "how many years will you be in this classroom with me?" Young Tim likes stories about death, people who vanished, etc. Of course, being the only black in town (in all of Maine, no doubt, since it's 1960), he's picked on mercilessly. The nerd brigade is discussing the visions they have had for the first time when he is chased into their presence by the cool kids (walkers not included). The nerds are wondering what they are seeing. Is it in their imagination or is it real? Anyway, Young Tim comes running their way and since they hate the senior cool kids, they help him. "The fat boy, the Jew and the sissy..." the main cool kid addresses them, including epithets for all of them. "I have bones to pick with all of you," he tells the nerds, who then pelt him and his friends with rocks. It turns into a giant melee, with the geeks winning the day. The main old cool kid is left behind and the seven threaten to "put you in the hospital" before sending him off brave togetherness. If this weren't Stephen King, it would be almost inspiring. "You want in," Young Tim is asked? "We're seven now. Lucky seven," Young John notes and then they take a picture together. In one of Tim's books on macabre old stuff, they see pictures of Pennywise the Clown. "It...It..." Young Richard stutters and then the book comes to live. It's a few hundred years ago and Pennywise is running through the barely-settled town right to talk to them. "I'm everything you EVER were afraid of," he yells at the kids. The kids want to tell someone, but they know no one will listen. "You grow up, you stop believing," Young Richard notes, before taunting the clown to make an appearance so he can kill him, begging help from his friends, who of course all agree.
Last of the group is Richard Masur, a happily married adult man in a bow tie who suddenly turns into a bowl of jelly when Tim calls. The new flashback has all of the kids swearing allegiance to each other by taking a puff from Young Dennis' inhaler and then going into the castle-like entrance to the sewer system. The 106-year old cool kids spot them and want to know where they are going, but the leader chirps, "they are not coming out." They follow the nerd brigade, though one of the three is a little frightened. A lot of weird stuff happens in the sewer, noises and lights. Young Richard M is grabbed by two of the old cool kids. "I guess you're the first," they say, pulling out a switchblade. After way too long, they notice that Young Richard M is gone, just the bullies are cutting the buttons off his shirt. The weird lights and sounds come blowing into the room and takes away one of the old cool kids, bending him in half and sucking him into a sewer pipe. And then he's gone. The lights come back for the main old cool kid, turning his hair shocking white, but Young Richard M is able to get back to his friends, where they join hands against the approaching "it." The presence hovers over them and then disappears, or so they think. Suddenly the world's largest sewage system (in Maine, no less), is flooded with a vapor. Young Richard T tells them they have to be strong and resist. Each of the kids is taunted by a voice important to them, almost getting them to break the circle, but they remain strong. Young Richard M is taken by the clown, who says "you always taste better when you are afraid. I am eternal child, the eater of worlds and children...and you are next," the clown hisses until young Dennis sprays his inhaler at the clown and then Young Annette knocks a hole in his head with a slingshot. He's sucked down into the bowels of the sewer in one of the cheapest special effects of the decade, trying to take the kids with it. They aren't sure if he's really dead or not.
The kids make a pact that if It ever returns, they will all come back. Young Richard M is at first the only hold-out, but he too swears and they all join arms.
Back in the present, Richard M's wife finds him in the bathtub, having slit his wrists. IT is scrawled on the wall in blood.
The second parts starts with Richard T coming back to Maine and going to visit his brother's grave. There are seven graves dug and the clown pops out from one of them, telling Richard there is a grave for each of them, except the one on the end, already taken. Richard, sporting the stupidest hairdo in miniseries history (a pony tail, which on him looks utterly ridiculous), goes to the library, where Tim has set up a shrine to his books, since he's the most important author to ever come out of the town (Stephen King does like to scribble instead of masturbate now and then). Tim takes him to "poor town," where Tim now lives. "It's clean and better yet, it's paid for," rather pathetic Tim whines.
Harry arrives in town, zipping past the old movie theater in his convertible where he sees his birth AND DEATH dates on the marquee. Harry rushes to the library, wher ehe sees the clown and hundreds of balloons, each one popping and drenching a library denizen in blood. "You're all too old to stop me!" the clown yells at Harry. Worse of all, he repeats Harry's awful jokes in his scary voice.
Tim and Richard are fooling around in a parking lot with an old bicycle they used to ride and see the clown in a deck of cards.
Every important John, who hasn't lost a huge amount of weight in 30 years, arrives in town, stopping at the creek just as a fat kid is being tormented by appropriately youthful bullies. He sees the corpse of one of his bullies by the entrance to the sewer, or at least things he does. He sees the clown hitchhiking and then a balloon appears in his car telling him "turn back now."
When Dennis gets back in town, he remembers the pharmacist telling him the medication he's been taking is a placebo, which he thought to be a lie. The pharmacist is still there, sitting in a back room asking for a cigar. Dennis tries to thank him, and the pharmacist remembers him. Or does he? Suddenly he grabs Dennis and tells him to leave in the clown's horrid voice. Annette comes back and goes to her old house, where she finds out her father died a few years ago. The widow who lives there now invites her in and lets Annette "freshen up" (people still did that by 1990?). Of course it's the sink where the clown had appeared to her. She sees the widow slurping tea, which is blood and then she turns a vision of her father in drag (uglier than Norman Bates). That vision turns into the clown, telling her to leave town. But, all along, she's actually just been standing in the street, because the house is boarded up. Just her and a balloon.
The gang gathers for Chinese food, seeing each other for the first time in years. Annette faints after calling them all "old men" and then kisses everyone. It's a love-fest, a real one by the way she kisses a few of 'em! Dennis says he can't remember much about the past, except spraying his inhaler at a clown. By the way, this gang of six screaming adults talking about a giant clown attracts no attention among the other restaurant patrons. As if they were "The Big Chill," there is a montage of the gang yucking it up at the Chinese restuarant, drinking and eating without a care in the world. The conversation turns to the old bully, who was pulled out of the sewer by the police and confessed to killing all the kids, now living in an institution and looking age appropriate (Michael Cole is now playing him). Just as the gang members are talking about him, the clown appears to him in the institution and asks for his help again to kill the kids.
Back at the restaurant, they are not all in agreement to pursue what they came for, until they start opening the fortune cookies and blood, bugs and such come out of them. Their horrified reactions do get noticed by the waitress. After all that! They run as fast as they can from the restaurant. They head the library, where Harry goes into his comedy schtick, none of it funny, as they try to get in touch with Richard M. When they find out what happend to him, the comedy stops.
This reminds Richard T to tell us that Richard M, always the non-believer, was the last one to see It. He had been out birdwatching one afternoon and heard a voice calling him into a house. He goes and the door locks behind him. To ward off the mummified figure approaching, he recites the names of all the birds he can recall and that sets him free. According to Dennis, Richard M was the only one who ever saw It, "what was behind the clown." They all need a drink, but when they open the mini fridge, balloons come out and Richard M's head taunts them about how awful their lives are, before once again hearing that "they all float down here." In one of those epic Stephen King moments, the library is attacked: the books fly off the shelves, rain comes pouring down, everything happens, but when the gang members join hands in a circle, it all stops. Harry pulls out the schtick again to ask everyone to leave. Why does he have to yell it like a coke-snorting 80s comic when he could just ask politely (hmmmm).
Meanwhile, It, in the form of one of the dead-no-longer-aging cool kids, begs Michael to help again, giving him a switchblade as a way to escape. When the guard comes to stop him from leaving, a clown with a dog's head attacks and kills him (or maybe it's just another ghoulish mind trick).
It's up to Tim to fill the gang members in on what happened. Stephen King is not a sloppy writer and his book is far tighter than the screenplay here, but there are some revealing details in the expository scenes. We find out that the murders of children happen every 30 years, that the adults in the town know about it but can't speak of it and that the whole town is nuts. Tim, being a lover of mass murders, has tracked the murders throughout the years. "For some reason, there's something very special about us being together...otherwise It would have picked us off one-by-one," Tim says, reminding everyone that as kids they were losers and as adults, they are all financially successful, but none have kids. They all appreciate that Tim has stayed in town when they didn't. Awww, that's sweet of them.
Olivia has decided to track Richard to Maine and stops at a gas station to ask for directions where she encounters the clown.
Annette fills in another memory, the blood in her bathroom as a child. All of the other kids see it. "I fell in love with all of you guys that day...and after we cleaned it up, the blood never game back," she tells them. As morning is dawning, none of them want to be alone, even keeping their hotel doors open when they need things from their rooms. Michael shows up in Tim's room and stabs him, though the others don't hear it. Annette can even recite the poem young John wrote for her and they are making out hot and heavy when John realizes it's the clown he's kissing.
Finallly, Dennis and John break into Tim's room and pull Michael off Tim, with the switchblade going into Michael. Tim isn't completely deda, so they all pile into Harry car and speed off to the hospital (nobody trusts an ambulance, I suppose. Annette and John have a repeat kissing/poem recitation moment, this time for real, after Annette has a mini breakdown. Dennis catches them smooching and calls them back into the hospital. Tim is going to live. Richard tells him the cover story, that they all got drunk, Tim danced on a table and fell. "Anyone who has seen me dance will know that's a lie," Tim whispers, obviously forgetting his days as Venus Fly Trap on "WKRP." Tim confides to Richard that he went back to the sewer as an adult to pick up the two rocks Annette had used to crack the clown's skull, and walked out with graying hair.
And what to do with Michael's body? They realize that if they call the police, the town will not handle it correctly. Some want to leave and some want to simply ignore it. Harry turns on the TV to find out there has been a rash of child killings in town, but everyone is in too much of a hurry to leave and he wants to stick around least of all! On the way out, Richard sees a vision and decides, in an emotion speech to the others about fear, that "I don't want to be scared anymore. I'm going back in," he tells them and we flash back to his young self begging for help as he had 30 years earlier. Of course they all join in a group hug. Group hugs are awfully popular in this movie, strange for a Stephen King novel filmed in 1990, more appropriate for say, "Designing Women?"
They all go to the sewer, armed with Annette's slingshot and the rocks Tim saved. Harry puts up a fight for a moment, once more making sure we understand he's giving the worst performance in the flick, but he agrees to go in as well. It turns out the massive sewer has not changed much in 30 years. Robert finds Olivia's purse and goes running down the hallway after her, alone. Richard hugs his knees to his chest and starts stuttering, but Annette gives him the verbal equivalent of a slap across the face and brings him back to his senses. "Stay close together," they agree. They find their way to the center room where they once battled It, and It is there once again, showing up in the form of the newspaper boat Richard had made for his brother. The brother is there too, blaming Richard. "You sent me out and it killed me," he says and Richard starts to collapse again, but his friends urge him to fight the feelings of guilt and fear. When he openly denies the vision, it disappears.
A vision of the clown replaces it to tease them all into doubting themselves. "Maybe we can't fight that thing. It's like trying to fight smoke," Harry he weakling says, but Richard knows that It wakes up every 30 years to cause mayhem and death and it's time to stop it. So, he sets the paper boat adrift in the water and they follow it to a door littered with bones. Dennis picks this moment to tell the group he's a virgin. He is afraid to sleep with anyone he doesn't love and he's never loved anyone but this gang. None of them volunteer. Maybe once they kill It, someone will step up to that plate, but that's something only Mr. King knows.
They come to a room filled with coccoons and Richard sees Olivia in one. But, a giant spider bars his access to her. Time for Annette to do her thing with the slingshot. "Damn it to hell," Richard says to her, but the first stone misses. The second stone is a direct hit, but a light emanates from the spider that hypnotizes all of them. Annette goes to find her first stone and Dennis remembers to use his inhaler, saying he believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but not It. The giant spider grabs him and Annete gets another chance, hitting it dead center in the light coming from its torso. It releases Dennis and scampers away, but the damage is done and Dennis dies.
The remaining four go after the giantn spider and beat at it tearing out it's center, killing it. They race back to the cocoon room where the cocoons descend and Richard is able to save Olivia.
Tim puts one last journal entry about It and his mind forgets everything that happened. Harry goes onto a movie career, John and Annette get married and have a baby, "breaking another curse," while Richard and Olivia have stayed in town for a while since Olivia's mind is gone. Tim admits they have to ask each other's names now and then, so fully have they erased the memories. Before leaving, Richard takes Olivia on the bike he had used to help Richard M escape It and rides through town until he mind returns.
I have to be honest, the end is really anti-climactic, one of those times a visual medium can't compete with the written word. The gang's attack of the spider is really quick and so easy that one wonders why it couldn't have been done 30 years previously.
But, the three hours leading up to that finale are great fun. It's nice to see a miniseries delve into the spooky. No World Wars, not sagas of rich families through ages, no history lesson and definitely no sappy romance. "Stephen King's It" is it's own piece, standing firmly on the shoulders of veteran TV actors who can make it work, with especially good acting from Tim Curry, who gets to soar into wild overacting on purpose!
I should add that it makes sense to turn "It" into a miniseries rather than a feature film like so many other King tales because this one has an emotional resonance to it that TV did so well at the time. All of King's stories have true heart to them somewhere (poor Carrie is a victim of her mother, Annie of her lonely life, etc.), but "It" balances precariously on the fine line between emotional truth and emotional goo. The latter would have been laughed out of a movie theater, so it's better on TV where it can be PG, meaning gooey and scary as heck, rather than scary as hell.
You don't need to be told that the story takes place in Maine. They all do. In the present, a little girl rides into her backyard as a storm is brewing, hearing the laughter of children and seeing the craziest clown. Her mother goes to fetch her, only to find out the kid is dead. Librarian Tim Reid is worried because six kids have gone missing, with varying excuses. This murder has him spooked. "It's time to tell the others what's happening," he says to himself.
The others would be his childhood friends. There is writer Richard Thomas, married to complaining Olivia Hussey (as far from the Virgin Mary as you can get), unhappy that he is writing a screenplay based on one of his. Tim calls Richard first and there starts a flashback to 30 years ago. Younger Richard (Jonathan Brandis, keeping Richard's stutter that appears only when he thinks of this episode), has an annoying little brother he sends out in a rainstorm with a boat made out of newspaper. The boat goes down the sewer and as the little brother is going to reach for it, the scary clown Pennywise (Tim Curry) appears. Pennywise taunts the kid with all the fun stuff in the sewer and then bares his fangs and kills the tyke. Guilty Young Richard goes into his brother's room and a book of pictures flutters and leaks blood. "I forgot, how could I forget?" Richard says and leaves his wife, with the parting words that his brother was murdered and never told her because he "forgot."
Next up is drunken John Ritter, complete with a fling of the night in massive shoulder pads. He's a New York City architect who lives in a gigantic loft, so gigantic it's the size of a borough. As he's kissing the bimbo, he tells her how fat he was a child, and that's when Tim calls. Timing, huh? Tim asks him to return to Maine, and John, who claims to remember "very little," shoos away the bimbo and gulps down a drink. "You're going to kill yourself," she says. "No, but it might be better if I did," he snaps and then takes the elevator all the way up to one of his buildings for his flashback. Young John is new in town, but he's so fat that the cool kids make fun of him. The main cool kid looks as if he's been held back about 15 years, and he's sent to detention, causing one of the other kids to quip, "it's gonna be a good funeral" to Young John. And, of course, on his way home, the cool, if noticeably older kids, attack him, but he escapes into a sewage tunnel, where they are distracted by two of the other outcasts, one of them being stuttering Young Richard. Young John has a lot of problems. Not only are his new friends all considered nerds, but he's had to move to Maine with his mother because his mother is on the dole, dad having died in Korea. Back at the creek where he hid out from the old cool kids, he sees a vision of his father, which soon turns into the evil clown, with Tim Curry going all out,.
The only female member of the gang is Annette O'Toole, living as a designer in Chicago with an overbearing business partner and lover, Ryan Michael, who scares the hell out of her. Since it's 1990, she's designing a collection to be bought by the Japanese. The Japanese owned everything in in the 80s, remember? Annette gets her call from Tim while Ryan should be combing his chest hair, but is instead on the hunt for a bottle of champagne. Annette tries to leave after the call, but Ryan slaps her. "You've forgotten your lessons," he says, pulling out a strap with which to whip her. She knocks him out with a bottle of cold cream and threatens to kill him in the best up close melodrama acting she can muster. In her flashback, she is a nerdy girl with an abusive father who receives a lovely poem from Young John. He brings her to meet his other new friends and they have fun together at the creek. Young Annette hears voices of dead kids calling to her from the sink and a balloon pops through and explodes, covering her in blood. The scene is so chilling because the blood is only in her mind and her father touches the sink, covered in blood he can't see and then keeps touching her. "You'll die if you try," the clown's voice repeats over and over.
Meet Dennis Christopher, then and now an asthmatic helpless without his inhaler, and the runt of our goofy gang As an adult, he lives with a shrieking mother, and as a kid, he and his pals were constantly running into those ever-aging cool kids and getting into trouble. The nerdy kids have become quite a crowd, smart asses who speak like then current Borscht Belt comedians, but his mother says, "you don't need any friends but your old ma." She forbids him to shower with the other kids, but the phys ed teacher refuses to let him off from showering. Alone in the shower, suddenly all the nozzles turn on and start chasing him around the room. The clown comes out of the drain to taunt him about his weaknesses and then bares those horrible fangs.
Since it's 1990, Harry Anderson was still a big star and an obvious choice to be in a miniseries (thankfully time would flatten his annoying nonsense crap). In the present, he's a successful comedian (really playing against type, stretch it, Harry). Harry's agent isn't happy that Harry has to go back to Maine. Who will sub for Carson next week like Harry was supposed to do? "Let Leno do it!" how prophetic. In the past, he's a red-haired kid with glasses. As he and his friends are down at the creek, a police officer comes to tell them another child has been killed and they should always be there together, never alone. Now about 47, the evil cool kids are after him because he dropped food on them at the movies and they go after him in the cafeteria, but he has the last laugh because they slip on mashed potatoes. The principal sends him to the basement to get a mop to clean up the mess (Annette's father is the janitor). Down in the bowels of the school, he encounters the clown dressed as a movie monster, giving his usual refrain about teaching the kids to "float." Young Harry runs back upstairs and announces to the whole school that there's a monster in the basement and all but his friends laugh at him. They have all seen things too horrible to understand as well.
Tim deserves a flashback too! His starts in class, where the teacher asks what we've all been asking of the 84-year old cool kid, "how many years will you be in this classroom with me?" Young Tim likes stories about death, people who vanished, etc. Of course, being the only black in town (in all of Maine, no doubt, since it's 1960), he's picked on mercilessly. The nerd brigade is discussing the visions they have had for the first time when he is chased into their presence by the cool kids (walkers not included). The nerds are wondering what they are seeing. Is it in their imagination or is it real? Anyway, Young Tim comes running their way and since they hate the senior cool kids, they help him. "The fat boy, the Jew and the sissy..." the main cool kid addresses them, including epithets for all of them. "I have bones to pick with all of you," he tells the nerds, who then pelt him and his friends with rocks. It turns into a giant melee, with the geeks winning the day. The main old cool kid is left behind and the seven threaten to "put you in the hospital" before sending him off brave togetherness. If this weren't Stephen King, it would be almost inspiring. "You want in," Young Tim is asked? "We're seven now. Lucky seven," Young John notes and then they take a picture together. In one of Tim's books on macabre old stuff, they see pictures of Pennywise the Clown. "It...It..." Young Richard stutters and then the book comes to live. It's a few hundred years ago and Pennywise is running through the barely-settled town right to talk to them. "I'm everything you EVER were afraid of," he yells at the kids. The kids want to tell someone, but they know no one will listen. "You grow up, you stop believing," Young Richard notes, before taunting the clown to make an appearance so he can kill him, begging help from his friends, who of course all agree.
Last of the group is Richard Masur, a happily married adult man in a bow tie who suddenly turns into a bowl of jelly when Tim calls. The new flashback has all of the kids swearing allegiance to each other by taking a puff from Young Dennis' inhaler and then going into the castle-like entrance to the sewer system. The 106-year old cool kids spot them and want to know where they are going, but the leader chirps, "they are not coming out." They follow the nerd brigade, though one of the three is a little frightened. A lot of weird stuff happens in the sewer, noises and lights. Young Richard M is grabbed by two of the old cool kids. "I guess you're the first," they say, pulling out a switchblade. After way too long, they notice that Young Richard M is gone, just the bullies are cutting the buttons off his shirt. The weird lights and sounds come blowing into the room and takes away one of the old cool kids, bending him in half and sucking him into a sewer pipe. And then he's gone. The lights come back for the main old cool kid, turning his hair shocking white, but Young Richard M is able to get back to his friends, where they join hands against the approaching "it." The presence hovers over them and then disappears, or so they think. Suddenly the world's largest sewage system (in Maine, no less), is flooded with a vapor. Young Richard T tells them they have to be strong and resist. Each of the kids is taunted by a voice important to them, almost getting them to break the circle, but they remain strong. Young Richard M is taken by the clown, who says "you always taste better when you are afraid. I am eternal child, the eater of worlds and children...and you are next," the clown hisses until young Dennis sprays his inhaler at the clown and then Young Annette knocks a hole in his head with a slingshot. He's sucked down into the bowels of the sewer in one of the cheapest special effects of the decade, trying to take the kids with it. They aren't sure if he's really dead or not.
The kids make a pact that if It ever returns, they will all come back. Young Richard M is at first the only hold-out, but he too swears and they all join arms.
Back in the present, Richard M's wife finds him in the bathtub, having slit his wrists. IT is scrawled on the wall in blood.
The second parts starts with Richard T coming back to Maine and going to visit his brother's grave. There are seven graves dug and the clown pops out from one of them, telling Richard there is a grave for each of them, except the one on the end, already taken. Richard, sporting the stupidest hairdo in miniseries history (a pony tail, which on him looks utterly ridiculous), goes to the library, where Tim has set up a shrine to his books, since he's the most important author to ever come out of the town (Stephen King does like to scribble instead of masturbate now and then). Tim takes him to "poor town," where Tim now lives. "It's clean and better yet, it's paid for," rather pathetic Tim whines.
Harry arrives in town, zipping past the old movie theater in his convertible where he sees his birth AND DEATH dates on the marquee. Harry rushes to the library, wher ehe sees the clown and hundreds of balloons, each one popping and drenching a library denizen in blood. "You're all too old to stop me!" the clown yells at Harry. Worse of all, he repeats Harry's awful jokes in his scary voice.
Tim and Richard are fooling around in a parking lot with an old bicycle they used to ride and see the clown in a deck of cards.
Every important John, who hasn't lost a huge amount of weight in 30 years, arrives in town, stopping at the creek just as a fat kid is being tormented by appropriately youthful bullies. He sees the corpse of one of his bullies by the entrance to the sewer, or at least things he does. He sees the clown hitchhiking and then a balloon appears in his car telling him "turn back now."
When Dennis gets back in town, he remembers the pharmacist telling him the medication he's been taking is a placebo, which he thought to be a lie. The pharmacist is still there, sitting in a back room asking for a cigar. Dennis tries to thank him, and the pharmacist remembers him. Or does he? Suddenly he grabs Dennis and tells him to leave in the clown's horrid voice. Annette comes back and goes to her old house, where she finds out her father died a few years ago. The widow who lives there now invites her in and lets Annette "freshen up" (people still did that by 1990?). Of course it's the sink where the clown had appeared to her. She sees the widow slurping tea, which is blood and then she turns a vision of her father in drag (uglier than Norman Bates). That vision turns into the clown, telling her to leave town. But, all along, she's actually just been standing in the street, because the house is boarded up. Just her and a balloon.
The gang gathers for Chinese food, seeing each other for the first time in years. Annette faints after calling them all "old men" and then kisses everyone. It's a love-fest, a real one by the way she kisses a few of 'em! Dennis says he can't remember much about the past, except spraying his inhaler at a clown. By the way, this gang of six screaming adults talking about a giant clown attracts no attention among the other restaurant patrons. As if they were "The Big Chill," there is a montage of the gang yucking it up at the Chinese restuarant, drinking and eating without a care in the world. The conversation turns to the old bully, who was pulled out of the sewer by the police and confessed to killing all the kids, now living in an institution and looking age appropriate (Michael Cole is now playing him). Just as the gang members are talking about him, the clown appears to him in the institution and asks for his help again to kill the kids.
Back at the restaurant, they are not all in agreement to pursue what they came for, until they start opening the fortune cookies and blood, bugs and such come out of them. Their horrified reactions do get noticed by the waitress. After all that! They run as fast as they can from the restaurant. They head the library, where Harry goes into his comedy schtick, none of it funny, as they try to get in touch with Richard M. When they find out what happend to him, the comedy stops.
This reminds Richard T to tell us that Richard M, always the non-believer, was the last one to see It. He had been out birdwatching one afternoon and heard a voice calling him into a house. He goes and the door locks behind him. To ward off the mummified figure approaching, he recites the names of all the birds he can recall and that sets him free. According to Dennis, Richard M was the only one who ever saw It, "what was behind the clown." They all need a drink, but when they open the mini fridge, balloons come out and Richard M's head taunts them about how awful their lives are, before once again hearing that "they all float down here." In one of those epic Stephen King moments, the library is attacked: the books fly off the shelves, rain comes pouring down, everything happens, but when the gang members join hands in a circle, it all stops. Harry pulls out the schtick again to ask everyone to leave. Why does he have to yell it like a coke-snorting 80s comic when he could just ask politely (hmmmm).
Meanwhile, It, in the form of one of the dead-no-longer-aging cool kids, begs Michael to help again, giving him a switchblade as a way to escape. When the guard comes to stop him from leaving, a clown with a dog's head attacks and kills him (or maybe it's just another ghoulish mind trick).
It's up to Tim to fill the gang members in on what happened. Stephen King is not a sloppy writer and his book is far tighter than the screenplay here, but there are some revealing details in the expository scenes. We find out that the murders of children happen every 30 years, that the adults in the town know about it but can't speak of it and that the whole town is nuts. Tim, being a lover of mass murders, has tracked the murders throughout the years. "For some reason, there's something very special about us being together...otherwise It would have picked us off one-by-one," Tim says, reminding everyone that as kids they were losers and as adults, they are all financially successful, but none have kids. They all appreciate that Tim has stayed in town when they didn't. Awww, that's sweet of them.
Olivia has decided to track Richard to Maine and stops at a gas station to ask for directions where she encounters the clown.
Annette fills in another memory, the blood in her bathroom as a child. All of the other kids see it. "I fell in love with all of you guys that day...and after we cleaned it up, the blood never game back," she tells them. As morning is dawning, none of them want to be alone, even keeping their hotel doors open when they need things from their rooms. Michael shows up in Tim's room and stabs him, though the others don't hear it. Annette can even recite the poem young John wrote for her and they are making out hot and heavy when John realizes it's the clown he's kissing.
Finallly, Dennis and John break into Tim's room and pull Michael off Tim, with the switchblade going into Michael. Tim isn't completely deda, so they all pile into Harry car and speed off to the hospital (nobody trusts an ambulance, I suppose. Annette and John have a repeat kissing/poem recitation moment, this time for real, after Annette has a mini breakdown. Dennis catches them smooching and calls them back into the hospital. Tim is going to live. Richard tells him the cover story, that they all got drunk, Tim danced on a table and fell. "Anyone who has seen me dance will know that's a lie," Tim whispers, obviously forgetting his days as Venus Fly Trap on "WKRP." Tim confides to Richard that he went back to the sewer as an adult to pick up the two rocks Annette had used to crack the clown's skull, and walked out with graying hair.
And what to do with Michael's body? They realize that if they call the police, the town will not handle it correctly. Some want to leave and some want to simply ignore it. Harry turns on the TV to find out there has been a rash of child killings in town, but everyone is in too much of a hurry to leave and he wants to stick around least of all! On the way out, Richard sees a vision and decides, in an emotion speech to the others about fear, that "I don't want to be scared anymore. I'm going back in," he tells them and we flash back to his young self begging for help as he had 30 years earlier. Of course they all join in a group hug. Group hugs are awfully popular in this movie, strange for a Stephen King novel filmed in 1990, more appropriate for say, "Designing Women?"
They all go to the sewer, armed with Annette's slingshot and the rocks Tim saved. Harry puts up a fight for a moment, once more making sure we understand he's giving the worst performance in the flick, but he agrees to go in as well. It turns out the massive sewer has not changed much in 30 years. Robert finds Olivia's purse and goes running down the hallway after her, alone. Richard hugs his knees to his chest and starts stuttering, but Annette gives him the verbal equivalent of a slap across the face and brings him back to his senses. "Stay close together," they agree. They find their way to the center room where they once battled It, and It is there once again, showing up in the form of the newspaper boat Richard had made for his brother. The brother is there too, blaming Richard. "You sent me out and it killed me," he says and Richard starts to collapse again, but his friends urge him to fight the feelings of guilt and fear. When he openly denies the vision, it disappears.
A vision of the clown replaces it to tease them all into doubting themselves. "Maybe we can't fight that thing. It's like trying to fight smoke," Harry he weakling says, but Richard knows that It wakes up every 30 years to cause mayhem and death and it's time to stop it. So, he sets the paper boat adrift in the water and they follow it to a door littered with bones. Dennis picks this moment to tell the group he's a virgin. He is afraid to sleep with anyone he doesn't love and he's never loved anyone but this gang. None of them volunteer. Maybe once they kill It, someone will step up to that plate, but that's something only Mr. King knows.
They come to a room filled with coccoons and Richard sees Olivia in one. But, a giant spider bars his access to her. Time for Annette to do her thing with the slingshot. "Damn it to hell," Richard says to her, but the first stone misses. The second stone is a direct hit, but a light emanates from the spider that hypnotizes all of them. Annette goes to find her first stone and Dennis remembers to use his inhaler, saying he believes in Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but not It. The giant spider grabs him and Annete gets another chance, hitting it dead center in the light coming from its torso. It releases Dennis and scampers away, but the damage is done and Dennis dies.
The remaining four go after the giantn spider and beat at it tearing out it's center, killing it. They race back to the cocoon room where the cocoons descend and Richard is able to save Olivia.
Tim puts one last journal entry about It and his mind forgets everything that happened. Harry goes onto a movie career, John and Annette get married and have a baby, "breaking another curse," while Richard and Olivia have stayed in town for a while since Olivia's mind is gone. Tim admits they have to ask each other's names now and then, so fully have they erased the memories. Before leaving, Richard takes Olivia on the bike he had used to help Richard M escape It and rides through town until he mind returns.
I have to be honest, the end is really anti-climactic, one of those times a visual medium can't compete with the written word. The gang's attack of the spider is really quick and so easy that one wonders why it couldn't have been done 30 years previously.
But, the three hours leading up to that finale are great fun. It's nice to see a miniseries delve into the spooky. No World Wars, not sagas of rich families through ages, no history lesson and definitely no sappy romance. "Stephen King's It" is it's own piece, standing firmly on the shoulders of veteran TV actors who can make it work, with especially good acting from Tim Curry, who gets to soar into wild overacting on purpose!
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Scarlet Pimpernel (1982)
I admit it, I've been going through Jane Seymour withdrawal. It's been weeks since we last caught up with our Muse of the Miniseries.
This time, she's once again ideally cast in a grand spectacle. By 1982, we probably did not need yet another retelling of Baroness Orczy's splendid "The Scarlet Pimpernel," (with elements of her "Eldorado" added quite seamlessly) but with a cast like this, the material seems fresh and natural. In the 1990s, it was tried as a Broadway musical and bombed. It clearly did not need music. This is a swashbuckling romantic tale and the miniseries setting is the perfect way to tell it. Three outstanding lead performances launch what could have been merely dressy and rococo into something tense and delightful.
Sink me, it's the French Revolution and I don't need to tell you that means it's a bad time to have a title, money or fame (unless you are leading the Revolution, but the Revolution had so many Revolutions the leaders kept getting killed). The movie opens with the guillotine doing its thing, much to the adoration of the crowd, made up of the dirtiest extras of 1982, poor things. In the prison cell where everyone is being held, one family is lucky as they are being rescued by the infamous Scarlet Pimpernel, a man of many disguises who, with his minions spirits friends out of France to safety in England. In this particular case, it's in coffins, which are almost checked at on of Paris' gates, but The Pimpernel is too smart to be caught that easily.
The Scarlet Pimpernel is really Sir Percival Blakeney (an ideally cast Anthony Andrews, who did "Ivanhoe" almost simultaneously), who has to adopt the air of foppish English gentleman in order to keep everyone off his track. In 2011, we might call his behavior "flaming" or "over the top," but Baroness Orczy was too proper for that. "Surely he must be an angel in disguise," a friend in Paris, unaware of who he is, tells him. "Amen," Sir Percival says while taking two hits of snuff.
Enter Marguerite St. Just (our beloved Jane Seymour), a grand actress who is willing to leave a the stage in the middle of a performance to meet her brother Armand (Malcolm Jamieson), who was in the middle of being severely beaten when Sir Percy rode to the rescue and dispensed with two ruffians with an epee and a few jokes. Armand, a revolutionary, is in love with a nobleman's daughter, and it was her father who had him beaten. Sir Percy, immediately infatuated with Marguerite, snags an invitation to a soiree.
Marguerite's main man is Chauvelin (Ian McKellan), a top revolutionary who goes around arresting aristocrats and "making long noble speeches." He's pompous, but he's powerful. Just as he's telling Marguerite about how the Reign of Terror will assure they can get married, Sir Percy arrives, working Chauvelin's outfit from "limp cravat" to cuffs, speaking of nothing but fashion to get him to leave the room. He's done it on purpose to be alone with Marguerite and tell him how much he adores her. "I don't know if you're mad..." Marguerite tells him when he asks her to tell him "everything...very very slowly so it will take a very very long time" "or madly in love," he finishes her sentence.
The Scarlet Pimpernel is the topic of an angry denunciation by Robespierre (Richard Morant) himself, who tells Chauvelin the man needs to be rooted out in order to stop giving hope to the aristocrats that they can be rescued.
At her soiree, an agent of the Pimpernel's had received a note and Marguerite snatched it before Chauvelin could find it. It speaks of the Marquis de St. Cyr, the man who had her brother beaten, who is supposedly making plans to smuggle the Dauphin from his Paris prison cell. It's as she's trying to puzzle it the next day that Sir Percy arrives to take her on a picnic, once again avoiding having to show papers because he shames the guard by not immediately recognizing France's most beautiful actress. He does romance exceedingly well, bringing with him musicians, fruit, wine and even an aristocrat smuggled in a picnic hamper who escapes while Percy kisses a dazzled Marguerite.
Chauvelin believes that the Pimpernel must be an Englishman brought up in the French way, so that he can pass between the two cities, on guard in Paris and at ease in London. Robespierre assigns Chauvelin to be his man in London, and Chauvelin asks to have the former ambassador Count de Tournay (Denis Lil) accompany him. The Count is a friend of Percy's and very much an anti-revolutionary. He is not happy about the assignment and is sent to prison for refusing, which Chauvelin hopes will flush out the Pimpernel since de Tournay is at the center of English society in Paris.
"We must maintain our anonymity and mask our identity, even if means suffering the mockery of others, being taken for fools, fops, nitwits, even cowards," Percy tells his friends back in London who want to brag to their "lady friends" of their exploits. He's brought the news that Louis XVI has been killed and de Tournay has been arrested.
Chauvelin has discovered all of Percy's love notes and the one she rescued from the fire and he confronts her with it after a performance one night (where she's dressed to kill and dripping in jewels). He says she should have brought the note to his attention, but she claims to have been confused, not knowing what to do. Oh, but Chauvelin says he loves her and would never let anything bad happen. Plus, it's the man who had her brother beaten. "You can't honestly believe I would have a man and his entire family sent to their deaths out of spite?" she asks. The argument only gets more heated from there, as he promises to follow her conscience over the republic always. "Some causes can become some warped, like some men!" she says dramatically. But, Marguerite is not always the smart cookie and when Chauvelin says Percy is back in London, she reacts so happily that Chauvelin is undone. He opens the door to leave and Percy is standing there. "Bonjoor Monsoor," he says and then compliments him on his cravat. "You've been taking lessons," he jabs. "Forget Chauvelin, forget every man you've ever known, but me," Percy tells Marguerite when she says Chauvelin scares her. Then comes a rather unfortunate lapse in writing. "You are so...elusive," she wonders, asking him if he's an actor too. "Elusive" is part of the poem circulating about The Pimpernel ("They seek him here/They seek him there/Those Frenchies seek him everywhere/Is he in heaven or is he in hell/That damned elusive Pimpernel"). The conversation about masks and hiding and such is all a bit cloying, but this is high romance. It can't be avoided.
Dressed to the nines more elaborately than Liberace, has a conversation with Armand where he tells the young revolutionary he must help in rescuing de Tournay. He admits to Armand, who has never really been 100% given to the cause, that he is The Scarlet Pimpernel. I bet Armand regrets that crack about Percy not ever having a serious thought in his head. Armand gets de Tournay to say he'll go to London and take Chauvelin so he can find his sworn enemy.
The Pimpernel outwits the same idiot guard again by dressing up as a dirty (of course) female wine merchant, by having one of his men pretend he has the plague. The French guards arrive moments later telling the guard to stop any female wine merchant they can find and a gaggle of soldiers chase after them. Except the guards are actually members of the Pimpernel gang and two are actually de Tournay's wife and daughter being spirited to safety. It's all delicious fun.
To say that Chauvelin is upset when he hears Marguerite is going to marry Percy is an understatement. He thinks she's doing it because Percy is rich. He then asks her what she wants to do about St. Cyr. He had promised to do nothing that would betray her confidence, but now he uses it against her. Failure to turn in an enemy of the republic is considered treason. Soldiers come to arrest St. Cyr, and the warrant mentions Marguerite St. Just as his accuser.
Percy and Marguerite are married in a glittering small ceremony, he actually better dressed than she. Never have two people looked so pretty together, but there are very few brides who would let her beloved outshine her. Anthony and Jane stare into each other's eyes during the whole ceremony, pulling out all the stops to make this scene as bountifully romantic as possible.
Since Chauvelin has lost his bargaining chip when de Tournay's family escapes, he now decides he'll follow Marguerite to London where all of society will be at her feet, thus easily finding The Scarlet Pimpernel. That's one big issue at the wedding party. The other is that Percy is told St. Cyr and his family have been beheaded, and his wife's name was on the warrant. "From this moment on, she must never be trusted. We cannot risk a betrayal," he says, in one of those creaky plot twists that thankfully did not survive the 19th Century. If he had just asked her what happened, she would have told him the truth! But, that would rob the story of tension. Plus, when the truth inevitably comes out, it will be a moment of supreme love, no doubt.
Percy and his followers have their biggest escapade yet, to rescue the Dauphin. The poor kid is being kept in prison, taught to refer to his mother as a whore. "I detect a hint of defiance behind those eyes. Keep at him, Fouquet, he must be all ours," Robespierre hisses.
The whole gang is in England, with Armand fully in on the plans to rescue the Dauphin. Their rescue plan depends on finding even the tiniest change in the boy's routine. Those matter will have to wait, because foppish Sir Percy has to take Marguerite to The Prince Regent's (Julian Fellowes) garden party. They are the butt of all gossip: that she married him for his money, that no one else would have him, that they aren't at all happy together. The Prince is every bit as dandy (gay) as Percy. At the party, Marguerite is denounced as having had St. Cyr killed, and Percy does not defend her. "It seems, my dear, you have finally found a way to repay St. Cyr," he says coldly. Marguerite believes he still loves her, despite the chill that has fallen over his attentions to her. She confronts him about his behavior in another "behind the mask" speech. "The man I fell in love with still exists somewhere," she says after he refuses her invitation to share her bed because he has an important appointment in town the next day to have his buckles fixed.
Letters to Armand are intercepted and given to Chauvelin as the cat and mouse game heats up. Chauvelin summons him back from England. Marguerite wants him to stay and begs Percy to help as Armand is to be married. "What has poor Armand done to be condemned to matrimony," Percy snaps. Marguerite runs off and Armand confronts Percy. Armand, who knows the whole situation, tells Percy he can trust Marguerite, that she is not spying, but Percy is too focused on rescuing the Dauphin. He assures Armand he has not ceased to love her. "I will love her until the day I die. That is the tragedy," he sighs before picking up the escape plans once again.
Chauvelin arrives in England to taunt Marguerite and they verbally spar in some snappy dialogue and then Chauvelin asks her outright to spy for him ("for France," he corrects her) and find The Scarlet Pimpernel. She refuses, no matter what. But, Chauvelin has a trump card: the letter to Armand. He blackmails her by saying, "I will have your brother's head or The Pimpernel's." This puts Marguerite in rather a tight spot, just the kind of thrilling spot romance novels depend upon.
Percy has seen Chauvelin talking to Marguerite and tries to find out what she knows, not even trying trickery, just asking her openly. She lies and says she hasn't seen Chauvelin, which disappoints Percy. "If anyone will catch The Scarlet Pimpernel, it won't be Chauvelin...he can't even tie his cravat," Percy jokes, but Marguerite is angry. He tries to get her to confide in him, but she's so burnt by his treatment of her that she can't. "What's the point? We don't even speak the same language anymore," she snaps.
At a ball that evening, Chauvelin has paid off the waiters to spy for him and one of them sees one of the cohorts passing a Pimpernel letter to another cohort. Percy launches into his Pimpernel poem again and Chauvelin asks Marguerite to dance so he can find out her decision. She agrees to help, having no choice and he tells her to find out what is in the note. "How?" she asks. "I leave that to you ingenuity as a consummate actress," he says snidely. Percy leaves the room to play a game with the Prince and a giant dance number ensues.
Marguerite leads the gang in a second spirited number, trying to get the letter out of Sir Andrew's cuff, much to the dismay of his fiancee. Marguerite pretends to start fainting, and Andrew takes her out of the room. "I only need to close my eyes for a moment," she says and when she does, he pulls out the letter to read it. As he starts to burn it, she races to grab it and pretends she loves the smell. She knocks something off the table so she can read the note and then pretends she thinks it's a love note. Marguerite dutifully reports what she's read of the letter to Chauvelin. There is to be a meeting in the library at midnight.
As midnight draws near, the tension escalates. Chauvelin sweats nervously. Marguerite is in the library and Percy arrives, telling her not to turn around. She's there to warn him that Chauvelin knows and tells The Scarlet Pimpernel she's doing this to save her brother. Percy tells her she's already been responsible for St. Cyr and his family's deaths, and explains how Chauvelin blackmailed her. "If this is true, you are a very brave woman," Percy tells her, absolutely throbbing with love for her now that he's learned the truth. "I don't even know who you are," she says, never bothering to even sneak a look. Another creaky plot twist, I know, but the dialogue is gushing and romantic. "Touch me, so that I may know you are real," she begs of him as he stands behind her. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she feels the ring that contains his pimpernel mark. Does she know?
At midnight, every clock in the house chimes and Chauvelin rushes to the library anxiously, with Percy sending Marguerite out the window. Andrew and the others know better than to enter the library and Percy pretends to be asleep on a couch. Chauvelin certainly doesn't suspect him, but he does find one of Marguerite's earrings on the floor and a few lights go off in his nefarious head. Percy flies off to do his duty, to his yacht at Dover, and when Andrew asks him what he should tell Marguerite, he says, "tell her I love her...more than ever!" Marguerite catches Chauvelin on his way out the door on his way back to France and tells her he will let Armand live, but only if he catches The Scarlet Pimpernel.
Jane Seymour has a terrific opportunity to play it up when she figures out her husband is The Pimpernel. He leaves a note for her in under a picture of himself, some tripe about having to go to the country. She looks up at the picture and sees the pimpernel crest on his ring, the one she felt on her shoulder. She whirls around the room and sees pimpernels all over the place. "The Scarlet Pimpernel...Percy...oh God, what have I done?" she whispers melodramatically.
In Paris, everyone is bobbing around the plot regarding the Dauphin, everyone trying to get his hands on him. There's the Austrian Ambassador who wants to collect a ransom, but is also part of The Pimpernel's gang. There is Armand, not particularly bright and almost giving away the whole plot, and Chauvelin's goons trying to arrest anyone they can. Chauvelin sends orders to arrest Armand, who is in the arms of his fiancee. She's clever and pretends she's with a different Monsieur St. Just, one who is more important than Armand. The goon believes it, but Armand still has to escape via the roof so no one finds him. When Chauvelin finds out about the St. Just mistake, he's livid and decides to handle it himself, sending spies to Armand's fiance's house, though he's long gone.
As for Percy and his comrades, they finally have their plan to get the Dauphin to safety. The plot depends on exact timing and care, with any error absolutely fatal. Armand is told he must stay in England and Percy reminds of his "oath to the league." "You must learn to trust me my friend," Percy tells Armand, who is worried about his beloved Louise. Percy promises Louise will be safe in England.
Marguerite is the one who is going to spoil the whole affair by convincing one of his friends to take her back to France. Or maybe Armand will do it (these St. Justs are not particularly bright) by slipping out of Percy's chamber and returning to Louise, whose house is being watched. Percy is awake and knows Armand has escaped, so he must have a plan.
As for the Dauphin, the moment for escape comes exactly at noon when his servants are changed. The old ones are sent packing and new ones replace them. When the new ones go to look in at the boy, they see the back of his head under a blanket. Percy, in disguise as a half-wit, fools the gate guard AGAIN (the joke is getting a bit stale) and leaves Paris with the Dauphin, only moments before Chauvelin discovers it's a doll in the bed, with the calling card from The Scarlet Pimpernel. Time is so important, and no one is there in the countryside to meet Percy and the Dauphin. Percy kills time by revealing himself to the boy as soldiers race out of Paris. Percy will have to make a dash for it himself. He's in a heavy cart and soon the soldiers are on his heels, firing a shot into his shoulder. The cart is destroyed, but Percy and the boy are not with the remains. They have escaped the hollow of a tree and finally come in contact with Andrew. He then has to return to Paris to rescue Armand.
Percy, in all his finery, goes to Louise's house, but of course it's a trap. Chauvelin is there waiting for him, having already captured Armand. Percy, slipping back into his fop act, stalls for time in trying to bargain Armand and his life for the Dauphin's and then tries to escape, but is caught. Marguerite arrives at Chauvelin's office with a letter of clemency from the Prince of Wales. She demands to see Percy and Chauvelin obliges. Percy is in the dank horrible prison and Chauvelin gives them two minutes alone (well, not quite alone since he's watching through the door). There's a giant embrace, swelling music and a big kiss. "How I prayed you would come!" he says and they both forgive the other. Chauvelin has agreed to let Percy go if he tells the revolutionaries where the Dauphin is, but Percy refuses. He suddenly thinks of a plan, gives her the ring and there is a plan.
The details of the plan are complex, with Percy, Marguerite and Chauvelin all trying to outsmart each other on their way to the Dauphin. Half of Paris seems to be chasing after him. The other half are those grubby extras. "Two birds with one stone, the Dauphin and The Scarlet Pimpernel. My seat on the committee is assured due to you primitive noblesse oblige," Chauvelin brags to Percy, his prisoner in a carriage on the way to the fortress where the Dauphin is being held. Chauvelin arrives to find everyone gone, with only a Friar left to tell Chauvelin that the boy has been taken already to Spain and thence to England ("just as I suspected," sneers Chauvelin, not knowing the boy has been taken to Austria). Chauvelin begs for Marguerite's life, but she wants to die with him. He begs her to trust him. "I shall return to haunt you," he tells Chauvelin and kisses Marguerite before being taken to the courtyard for execution.
Percy is stood before a firing squad and we hear "ready...aim...fire" as Chauvelin almost has an orgasm. He orders Marguerite and Armand back to Paris for execution. But, come on, you don't believe Percy really died! Of course the soldiers are Percy's men and he introduces them to Chauvelin gladly, his own soldiers tied up in a closet. Percy is confident, but Chauvelin says the only way off the island fortress is through his soldiers standing guard, but out another window, Percy shows Chauvelin his yacht waiting for the league. Chauvelin grabs a sword and the two battle it out with swords, as expecting in this kind of 18th Century schmaltz-fest. Marguerite worries over every clash of the blades as the two run around the entire set, cutting candles, jumping over stairs and, in Chauvelin's case, having that horrid cravat undone by Percy button by button. Percy is a much better swordsman, of course, but he toys with Chauvelin. Percy wins and volunteers to go back to Paris to fetch Armand's Louise. Armand begs for the honor and Percy is happy to let him have it so he can go back to England with Marguerite.
On the boat back across the channel, it's Marguerite's turn to recite the Pimpernel poem. "Sink me, the lady's a poet," Percy says before they dissolve into the final kiss.
Romance and chivalry reign supreme and the miniseries nailed every touch that Baroness Orczy so lovingly tucked into her work.
This time, she's once again ideally cast in a grand spectacle. By 1982, we probably did not need yet another retelling of Baroness Orczy's splendid "The Scarlet Pimpernel," (with elements of her "Eldorado" added quite seamlessly) but with a cast like this, the material seems fresh and natural. In the 1990s, it was tried as a Broadway musical and bombed. It clearly did not need music. This is a swashbuckling romantic tale and the miniseries setting is the perfect way to tell it. Three outstanding lead performances launch what could have been merely dressy and rococo into something tense and delightful.
Sink me, it's the French Revolution and I don't need to tell you that means it's a bad time to have a title, money or fame (unless you are leading the Revolution, but the Revolution had so many Revolutions the leaders kept getting killed). The movie opens with the guillotine doing its thing, much to the adoration of the crowd, made up of the dirtiest extras of 1982, poor things. In the prison cell where everyone is being held, one family is lucky as they are being rescued by the infamous Scarlet Pimpernel, a man of many disguises who, with his minions spirits friends out of France to safety in England. In this particular case, it's in coffins, which are almost checked at on of Paris' gates, but The Pimpernel is too smart to be caught that easily.
The Scarlet Pimpernel is really Sir Percival Blakeney (an ideally cast Anthony Andrews, who did "Ivanhoe" almost simultaneously), who has to adopt the air of foppish English gentleman in order to keep everyone off his track. In 2011, we might call his behavior "flaming" or "over the top," but Baroness Orczy was too proper for that. "Surely he must be an angel in disguise," a friend in Paris, unaware of who he is, tells him. "Amen," Sir Percival says while taking two hits of snuff.
Enter Marguerite St. Just (our beloved Jane Seymour), a grand actress who is willing to leave a the stage in the middle of a performance to meet her brother Armand (Malcolm Jamieson), who was in the middle of being severely beaten when Sir Percy rode to the rescue and dispensed with two ruffians with an epee and a few jokes. Armand, a revolutionary, is in love with a nobleman's daughter, and it was her father who had him beaten. Sir Percy, immediately infatuated with Marguerite, snags an invitation to a soiree.
Marguerite's main man is Chauvelin (Ian McKellan), a top revolutionary who goes around arresting aristocrats and "making long noble speeches." He's pompous, but he's powerful. Just as he's telling Marguerite about how the Reign of Terror will assure they can get married, Sir Percy arrives, working Chauvelin's outfit from "limp cravat" to cuffs, speaking of nothing but fashion to get him to leave the room. He's done it on purpose to be alone with Marguerite and tell him how much he adores her. "I don't know if you're mad..." Marguerite tells him when he asks her to tell him "everything...very very slowly so it will take a very very long time" "or madly in love," he finishes her sentence.
The Scarlet Pimpernel is the topic of an angry denunciation by Robespierre (Richard Morant) himself, who tells Chauvelin the man needs to be rooted out in order to stop giving hope to the aristocrats that they can be rescued.
At her soiree, an agent of the Pimpernel's had received a note and Marguerite snatched it before Chauvelin could find it. It speaks of the Marquis de St. Cyr, the man who had her brother beaten, who is supposedly making plans to smuggle the Dauphin from his Paris prison cell. It's as she's trying to puzzle it the next day that Sir Percy arrives to take her on a picnic, once again avoiding having to show papers because he shames the guard by not immediately recognizing France's most beautiful actress. He does romance exceedingly well, bringing with him musicians, fruit, wine and even an aristocrat smuggled in a picnic hamper who escapes while Percy kisses a dazzled Marguerite.
Chauvelin believes that the Pimpernel must be an Englishman brought up in the French way, so that he can pass between the two cities, on guard in Paris and at ease in London. Robespierre assigns Chauvelin to be his man in London, and Chauvelin asks to have the former ambassador Count de Tournay (Denis Lil) accompany him. The Count is a friend of Percy's and very much an anti-revolutionary. He is not happy about the assignment and is sent to prison for refusing, which Chauvelin hopes will flush out the Pimpernel since de Tournay is at the center of English society in Paris.
"We must maintain our anonymity and mask our identity, even if means suffering the mockery of others, being taken for fools, fops, nitwits, even cowards," Percy tells his friends back in London who want to brag to their "lady friends" of their exploits. He's brought the news that Louis XVI has been killed and de Tournay has been arrested.
Chauvelin has discovered all of Percy's love notes and the one she rescued from the fire and he confronts her with it after a performance one night (where she's dressed to kill and dripping in jewels). He says she should have brought the note to his attention, but she claims to have been confused, not knowing what to do. Oh, but Chauvelin says he loves her and would never let anything bad happen. Plus, it's the man who had her brother beaten. "You can't honestly believe I would have a man and his entire family sent to their deaths out of spite?" she asks. The argument only gets more heated from there, as he promises to follow her conscience over the republic always. "Some causes can become some warped, like some men!" she says dramatically. But, Marguerite is not always the smart cookie and when Chauvelin says Percy is back in London, she reacts so happily that Chauvelin is undone. He opens the door to leave and Percy is standing there. "Bonjoor Monsoor," he says and then compliments him on his cravat. "You've been taking lessons," he jabs. "Forget Chauvelin, forget every man you've ever known, but me," Percy tells Marguerite when she says Chauvelin scares her. Then comes a rather unfortunate lapse in writing. "You are so...elusive," she wonders, asking him if he's an actor too. "Elusive" is part of the poem circulating about The Pimpernel ("They seek him here/They seek him there/Those Frenchies seek him everywhere/Is he in heaven or is he in hell/That damned elusive Pimpernel"). The conversation about masks and hiding and such is all a bit cloying, but this is high romance. It can't be avoided.
Dressed to the nines more elaborately than Liberace, has a conversation with Armand where he tells the young revolutionary he must help in rescuing de Tournay. He admits to Armand, who has never really been 100% given to the cause, that he is The Scarlet Pimpernel. I bet Armand regrets that crack about Percy not ever having a serious thought in his head. Armand gets de Tournay to say he'll go to London and take Chauvelin so he can find his sworn enemy.
The Pimpernel outwits the same idiot guard again by dressing up as a dirty (of course) female wine merchant, by having one of his men pretend he has the plague. The French guards arrive moments later telling the guard to stop any female wine merchant they can find and a gaggle of soldiers chase after them. Except the guards are actually members of the Pimpernel gang and two are actually de Tournay's wife and daughter being spirited to safety. It's all delicious fun.
To say that Chauvelin is upset when he hears Marguerite is going to marry Percy is an understatement. He thinks she's doing it because Percy is rich. He then asks her what she wants to do about St. Cyr. He had promised to do nothing that would betray her confidence, but now he uses it against her. Failure to turn in an enemy of the republic is considered treason. Soldiers come to arrest St. Cyr, and the warrant mentions Marguerite St. Just as his accuser.
Percy and Marguerite are married in a glittering small ceremony, he actually better dressed than she. Never have two people looked so pretty together, but there are very few brides who would let her beloved outshine her. Anthony and Jane stare into each other's eyes during the whole ceremony, pulling out all the stops to make this scene as bountifully romantic as possible.
Since Chauvelin has lost his bargaining chip when de Tournay's family escapes, he now decides he'll follow Marguerite to London where all of society will be at her feet, thus easily finding The Scarlet Pimpernel. That's one big issue at the wedding party. The other is that Percy is told St. Cyr and his family have been beheaded, and his wife's name was on the warrant. "From this moment on, she must never be trusted. We cannot risk a betrayal," he says, in one of those creaky plot twists that thankfully did not survive the 19th Century. If he had just asked her what happened, she would have told him the truth! But, that would rob the story of tension. Plus, when the truth inevitably comes out, it will be a moment of supreme love, no doubt.
Percy and his followers have their biggest escapade yet, to rescue the Dauphin. The poor kid is being kept in prison, taught to refer to his mother as a whore. "I detect a hint of defiance behind those eyes. Keep at him, Fouquet, he must be all ours," Robespierre hisses.
The whole gang is in England, with Armand fully in on the plans to rescue the Dauphin. Their rescue plan depends on finding even the tiniest change in the boy's routine. Those matter will have to wait, because foppish Sir Percy has to take Marguerite to The Prince Regent's (Julian Fellowes) garden party. They are the butt of all gossip: that she married him for his money, that no one else would have him, that they aren't at all happy together. The Prince is every bit as dandy (gay) as Percy. At the party, Marguerite is denounced as having had St. Cyr killed, and Percy does not defend her. "It seems, my dear, you have finally found a way to repay St. Cyr," he says coldly. Marguerite believes he still loves her, despite the chill that has fallen over his attentions to her. She confronts him about his behavior in another "behind the mask" speech. "The man I fell in love with still exists somewhere," she says after he refuses her invitation to share her bed because he has an important appointment in town the next day to have his buckles fixed.
Letters to Armand are intercepted and given to Chauvelin as the cat and mouse game heats up. Chauvelin summons him back from England. Marguerite wants him to stay and begs Percy to help as Armand is to be married. "What has poor Armand done to be condemned to matrimony," Percy snaps. Marguerite runs off and Armand confronts Percy. Armand, who knows the whole situation, tells Percy he can trust Marguerite, that she is not spying, but Percy is too focused on rescuing the Dauphin. He assures Armand he has not ceased to love her. "I will love her until the day I die. That is the tragedy," he sighs before picking up the escape plans once again.
Chauvelin arrives in England to taunt Marguerite and they verbally spar in some snappy dialogue and then Chauvelin asks her outright to spy for him ("for France," he corrects her) and find The Scarlet Pimpernel. She refuses, no matter what. But, Chauvelin has a trump card: the letter to Armand. He blackmails her by saying, "I will have your brother's head or The Pimpernel's." This puts Marguerite in rather a tight spot, just the kind of thrilling spot romance novels depend upon.
Percy has seen Chauvelin talking to Marguerite and tries to find out what she knows, not even trying trickery, just asking her openly. She lies and says she hasn't seen Chauvelin, which disappoints Percy. "If anyone will catch The Scarlet Pimpernel, it won't be Chauvelin...he can't even tie his cravat," Percy jokes, but Marguerite is angry. He tries to get her to confide in him, but she's so burnt by his treatment of her that she can't. "What's the point? We don't even speak the same language anymore," she snaps.
At a ball that evening, Chauvelin has paid off the waiters to spy for him and one of them sees one of the cohorts passing a Pimpernel letter to another cohort. Percy launches into his Pimpernel poem again and Chauvelin asks Marguerite to dance so he can find out her decision. She agrees to help, having no choice and he tells her to find out what is in the note. "How?" she asks. "I leave that to you ingenuity as a consummate actress," he says snidely. Percy leaves the room to play a game with the Prince and a giant dance number ensues.
Marguerite leads the gang in a second spirited number, trying to get the letter out of Sir Andrew's cuff, much to the dismay of his fiancee. Marguerite pretends to start fainting, and Andrew takes her out of the room. "I only need to close my eyes for a moment," she says and when she does, he pulls out the letter to read it. As he starts to burn it, she races to grab it and pretends she loves the smell. She knocks something off the table so she can read the note and then pretends she thinks it's a love note. Marguerite dutifully reports what she's read of the letter to Chauvelin. There is to be a meeting in the library at midnight.
As midnight draws near, the tension escalates. Chauvelin sweats nervously. Marguerite is in the library and Percy arrives, telling her not to turn around. She's there to warn him that Chauvelin knows and tells The Scarlet Pimpernel she's doing this to save her brother. Percy tells her she's already been responsible for St. Cyr and his family's deaths, and explains how Chauvelin blackmailed her. "If this is true, you are a very brave woman," Percy tells her, absolutely throbbing with love for her now that he's learned the truth. "I don't even know who you are," she says, never bothering to even sneak a look. Another creaky plot twist, I know, but the dialogue is gushing and romantic. "Touch me, so that I may know you are real," she begs of him as he stands behind her. He puts his hand on her shoulder and she feels the ring that contains his pimpernel mark. Does she know?
At midnight, every clock in the house chimes and Chauvelin rushes to the library anxiously, with Percy sending Marguerite out the window. Andrew and the others know better than to enter the library and Percy pretends to be asleep on a couch. Chauvelin certainly doesn't suspect him, but he does find one of Marguerite's earrings on the floor and a few lights go off in his nefarious head. Percy flies off to do his duty, to his yacht at Dover, and when Andrew asks him what he should tell Marguerite, he says, "tell her I love her...more than ever!" Marguerite catches Chauvelin on his way out the door on his way back to France and tells her he will let Armand live, but only if he catches The Scarlet Pimpernel.
Jane Seymour has a terrific opportunity to play it up when she figures out her husband is The Pimpernel. He leaves a note for her in under a picture of himself, some tripe about having to go to the country. She looks up at the picture and sees the pimpernel crest on his ring, the one she felt on her shoulder. She whirls around the room and sees pimpernels all over the place. "The Scarlet Pimpernel...Percy...oh God, what have I done?" she whispers melodramatically.
In Paris, everyone is bobbing around the plot regarding the Dauphin, everyone trying to get his hands on him. There's the Austrian Ambassador who wants to collect a ransom, but is also part of The Pimpernel's gang. There is Armand, not particularly bright and almost giving away the whole plot, and Chauvelin's goons trying to arrest anyone they can. Chauvelin sends orders to arrest Armand, who is in the arms of his fiancee. She's clever and pretends she's with a different Monsieur St. Just, one who is more important than Armand. The goon believes it, but Armand still has to escape via the roof so no one finds him. When Chauvelin finds out about the St. Just mistake, he's livid and decides to handle it himself, sending spies to Armand's fiance's house, though he's long gone.
As for Percy and his comrades, they finally have their plan to get the Dauphin to safety. The plot depends on exact timing and care, with any error absolutely fatal. Armand is told he must stay in England and Percy reminds of his "oath to the league." "You must learn to trust me my friend," Percy tells Armand, who is worried about his beloved Louise. Percy promises Louise will be safe in England.
Marguerite is the one who is going to spoil the whole affair by convincing one of his friends to take her back to France. Or maybe Armand will do it (these St. Justs are not particularly bright) by slipping out of Percy's chamber and returning to Louise, whose house is being watched. Percy is awake and knows Armand has escaped, so he must have a plan.
As for the Dauphin, the moment for escape comes exactly at noon when his servants are changed. The old ones are sent packing and new ones replace them. When the new ones go to look in at the boy, they see the back of his head under a blanket. Percy, in disguise as a half-wit, fools the gate guard AGAIN (the joke is getting a bit stale) and leaves Paris with the Dauphin, only moments before Chauvelin discovers it's a doll in the bed, with the calling card from The Scarlet Pimpernel. Time is so important, and no one is there in the countryside to meet Percy and the Dauphin. Percy kills time by revealing himself to the boy as soldiers race out of Paris. Percy will have to make a dash for it himself. He's in a heavy cart and soon the soldiers are on his heels, firing a shot into his shoulder. The cart is destroyed, but Percy and the boy are not with the remains. They have escaped the hollow of a tree and finally come in contact with Andrew. He then has to return to Paris to rescue Armand.
Percy, in all his finery, goes to Louise's house, but of course it's a trap. Chauvelin is there waiting for him, having already captured Armand. Percy, slipping back into his fop act, stalls for time in trying to bargain Armand and his life for the Dauphin's and then tries to escape, but is caught. Marguerite arrives at Chauvelin's office with a letter of clemency from the Prince of Wales. She demands to see Percy and Chauvelin obliges. Percy is in the dank horrible prison and Chauvelin gives them two minutes alone (well, not quite alone since he's watching through the door). There's a giant embrace, swelling music and a big kiss. "How I prayed you would come!" he says and they both forgive the other. Chauvelin has agreed to let Percy go if he tells the revolutionaries where the Dauphin is, but Percy refuses. He suddenly thinks of a plan, gives her the ring and there is a plan.
The details of the plan are complex, with Percy, Marguerite and Chauvelin all trying to outsmart each other on their way to the Dauphin. Half of Paris seems to be chasing after him. The other half are those grubby extras. "Two birds with one stone, the Dauphin and The Scarlet Pimpernel. My seat on the committee is assured due to you primitive noblesse oblige," Chauvelin brags to Percy, his prisoner in a carriage on the way to the fortress where the Dauphin is being held. Chauvelin arrives to find everyone gone, with only a Friar left to tell Chauvelin that the boy has been taken already to Spain and thence to England ("just as I suspected," sneers Chauvelin, not knowing the boy has been taken to Austria). Chauvelin begs for Marguerite's life, but she wants to die with him. He begs her to trust him. "I shall return to haunt you," he tells Chauvelin and kisses Marguerite before being taken to the courtyard for execution.
Percy is stood before a firing squad and we hear "ready...aim...fire" as Chauvelin almost has an orgasm. He orders Marguerite and Armand back to Paris for execution. But, come on, you don't believe Percy really died! Of course the soldiers are Percy's men and he introduces them to Chauvelin gladly, his own soldiers tied up in a closet. Percy is confident, but Chauvelin says the only way off the island fortress is through his soldiers standing guard, but out another window, Percy shows Chauvelin his yacht waiting for the league. Chauvelin grabs a sword and the two battle it out with swords, as expecting in this kind of 18th Century schmaltz-fest. Marguerite worries over every clash of the blades as the two run around the entire set, cutting candles, jumping over stairs and, in Chauvelin's case, having that horrid cravat undone by Percy button by button. Percy is a much better swordsman, of course, but he toys with Chauvelin. Percy wins and volunteers to go back to Paris to fetch Armand's Louise. Armand begs for the honor and Percy is happy to let him have it so he can go back to England with Marguerite.
On the boat back across the channel, it's Marguerite's turn to recite the Pimpernel poem. "Sink me, the lady's a poet," Percy says before they dissolve into the final kiss.
Romance and chivalry reign supreme and the miniseries nailed every touch that Baroness Orczy so lovingly tucked into her work.
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