One of the very first miniseries written about here was "Windmills of the Gods" (go back to December 2010 to read that one). That one had Jaclyn Smith as the United States Ambassador to Romania, from the pages of Sidney Sheldon. Typing that, and having seen it multiple times, it still doesn't make sense.
Far more realistic is "Rage of Angels," which has Jaclyn Smith as an Assistant District Attorney, from the pages of Sidney Sheldon. Sounds a whole lot more realistic, no? Yup, sounds like it.
But, it isn't. It's another made-in-heaven made-for-television hootfest, as delectably trashy as they come. There is no way to take any Sidney Sheldon miniseries serious, and to do so would be foolish, but, as always, Jaclyn Smith is as earnest as all get-out in her sensible shoes. She believes in what she's doing (and considering she's playing a character with the IQ of a carrot, that's asking a lot of our Jaclyn), so let her undertake that burden and the rest of us can sit back and giggle together.
The drama starts immediately! Our Jaclyn, in a cutesy casual ensemble of cutesy tennis shoes, jeans and a cutesy sweater tied over her shoulders, turns (dramatically) to the camera because of a disturbance she hears. She runs toward the courthouse, past the ambulance and the gawkers to a man (Wesley Addy) being tended to by EMTs. "Oh, Pop!" she coos when they tell her he's in the middle of a heart attack. "Do not call me Pop. Pop is for champagne is soda water...everything is going to be all right, Jenny," he says, still cracking wise through the pain. "Don't call me Jenny," she replies, inexplicably, through her tears. Apparently no one is concerned about the severity of the situation, because Jaclyn, still crying, is able to show her father a letter, and read from it. She's been made an ADA in New York City. "I'm one of 278, but I'm one," she says, proudly, but then changing her tune to say she'll be back to practice law with him, "Parker and Parker," to which the old geezer still manages to elicit a laugh, noting, "I say that you got your name first."
As he's being put into the ambulance, I think Pop sees his time being up. So, he lays on the canned advice, with lines like, "keep the rules" and "respect the law--it's the only thing between us and the Furies." What does he mean? Only Sidney Sheldon knows, and he can't tell us, I'm afraid.
Let's get to New York (we were in Washington State before), where Jaclyn can still run, but now her clothes have gone from cutesy to smart, but, as usual for Jaclyn Smith, she's clad nearly from head to toe and in layers, no less. For one of "Charlie's Angels," she never was much of a sexy symbol. Anyway, watch Jaclyn race for the bus. Watch her trip on a sidewalk. Watch her adjust price tag on her brief case. Indeed, folks, it's this hick's first day on the job as one of the 278 chosen few.
Naturally, DA Ron Hunter has already started with the other 277 when Jaclyn breathlessly bursts in the room. She hasn't missed much. In fact, he picks up where her father left off, speaking in legal fortune cookie dialogue. "The courtroom is where the action is. Don't hang from the stars yet because you people will be living in a world made up of subpoenas, research, mainly trivial, law libraries and still more law libraries. Life in the courtroom is an ultimate, not a beginning," he preaches. You know the moment: tough boss tells half they are going to fail and the other half they are going to quit, or at least she tries to, but Jaclyn has a question. "Oh, dear God, she's not only late, she's earnest," he whines.
Jaclyn and the other 277 will be working on "the trial of decade," the trial of Joseph Wiseman, "the grand master of organized crime." The state's turncoat witness is Art Vasil, who, upon being besieged by the media leaving The Tombs for court, already looks like a romantic novel dead man walking. Art rattles off all of Joseph's various business interests for the court, including "linen supplies." We can't forget that one! The mob king's tough-talking lawyer, with insanely huge glasses, is none other than Armand Assante, who has spent a television career playing mob kings. As Ron releases his fireworks questioning, Armand objects and they are called to the bench. "You want to run for Senator? Do it on your own time," the judge admonishes him.
Our heroine's first assignment is to deliver an envelope to Art during a recess. "Don't stare at me like that, I'm no corpse," he bellows, further hastening what we already know to be the inevitable. Proud of herself for having achieved so much on her first day, Jaclyn breathes in the air with a smile...before being grabbed by two cops. Ron wants to know who paid her to deliver an envelope containing a dead canary (which we get to see) to Art. Ron thunders at her, "by the time you get out of prison...you'll be too old to eat, to breath, to live!" as if he's still performing in court. The dead bird has caused Art to back out of testifying, meaning he can't be cross-examined by Armand, who moves for a mistrial. Jaclyn insists on waiting for the word of Ron secretary, who gave her the package, but Armand warns that if she "climbed to the top of the building now and sings 'Melancholy Baby,'" the witness still won't testify. Wouldn't you like to see THAT miniseries, huh? Apparently the judge wants to rush home for that one too, because he declares a mistrial as Jaclyn launches into howling defensive shrieks.
The judge also tells Jaclyn that he will investigate her conduct and proceed "with disbarment proceedings." At home, trying to look like a slob, but with full make-up and terrific lighting, Jaclyn finds out from the news that the secretary who gave her the envelope was killed in a car accident. "This is a creepy town," she says to her father's picture. Wet and fraying, Jaclyn can't get a job in any law office, no matter how hard she tries. Her name is mud.
Time to meet the hero of the piece: Ken Howard, looking squeaky clean and handsome. His brother-in-law and law partner wants him to run for the Senate too. After all, not only is he [insert every positive quality here], he's even a veteran. What's his connection to Jaclyn? He's prosecuting her at her hearing before the Bar, of course! He sees it as "an investigation, not a lynch mob," the sentiments of a White Knight and the only honest lawyer in New York City. He's told to "nail her...it's worth at least a quarter of million votes," though Ken has a (not-at-all-original) reply for that. "And thirty pieces of silver?"
Let's wrap up Art. He's killed, naturally, in prison, while watching a Three Stooges movie that has he and his fellow prisoners laughing so hard many of the others might stroke out.
Ken and Jaclyn meet adorably. She's in a towel just out of the shower when he rings her buzzer. She thinks he's there about a job application. "Your people go back as far as..." she starts. "Wigs and snuff," he finishes. Awwww, they have banter already! It goes on for a bit as Jaclyn reaches fever pitch. "There's the door. Or better yet, there's the window!" she huffs and ducks into the bathroom. He pretends to leave, and when she sees he hasn't, she's furious, throwing out more banter. "I've been investigating your life for four days," Ken pleads. "That's five too many," she snaps. Once again, math is not her strong suit, but that's not even a good line! He invites her to dinner and she agrees, because "I'm hungry. For good...and vindication."
With even the sleazy law firms having turned her away, Jaclyn goes to meet shlumpy private investigator Kevin Conway, but only to rent office space. "I want to go into business myself. I have to go into business myself," she tells him, though she can't afford even the discount rent he offers. However, he has an idea. "You ever serve a summons before? Pretty ladies have an advantage. They are less apt to break your legs," Kevin says, offering her that job. But, right at the end, she realizes he knows who she is. And he still wants her? "I'm desperate too" is his reply.
As our plucky heroine is walking home from grocery shopping, Armand drives up in a big fancy car with roses to present to her. "Strangle any canaries, lately?" she quips, after quipping about what he should do with the roses. I like quipping Jaclyn. She gets to stretch as an actress.
Okay, that last line was a joke.
"I think you got one of the bummest raps in history," Armand informs Jaclyn. What she doesn't know, but he does, is that his boss did not order the hit on Art, but all he does here is deny he had any part in it.
He: "I hate lynch mobs."
She: "I hate criminals."
He: "Then be a jailer, not a lawyer."
I guess living in the Pacific Northwest teaches a woman some interesting skills. When Jaclyn shows up at her new office the next day, Kevin is drunk. Rather than huffing in disappointment, Jaclyn smacks him around, pins his arm behind his back, shouts, "where is my office? Where is my LIFE?" and then dunks his head under a faucet to sober him up. Not only is she skilled physically, she's also something of a shrink. "No one asks you to be happy! Sober, clean and healthy you can be!" she rails. Where the HELL did all of this come from? "I think I want to die," he claims, defenses down. "You can die later," she says sweetly.
Armand sends over flowers and a case to Jaclyn via messenger. Luckily, Kevin is there to tell Jaclyn it's a bad idea, so she turns it down in favor of handing out more summonses. Kevin also has some insight into Jaclyn, sensing that she has feelings for Ken, though they have only had that one awkward scene together! That is soon corrected when Ken shows up at lunch to tell Jaclyn she has been cleared of all wrongdoing by the Bar committee. Now she and Ken can really get to know each other.
"I feel dumb and wonderful," Jaclyn says at lunch. Never has a line had a truer ring in the land of the land of the miniseries! She's referring to her giddy feelings. I took it to be about her character as a whole. The two spend the whole day together, going for a romantic horse-drawn carriage ride at night where Ken complains about his bad marriage and tells Jaclyn he has no hobbies at all except hosting "rap sessions" for some fellow Vietnam vets.
Armand isn't going away. When Jaclyn gets home from work one day, Armand is there already, with oodles of roses. To get him to stop showing up, she agrees to go out with him "in a public place" and he takes her to a hockey game. He loves the brawling, but she doesn't understand either the game, the fighting or the fans. "I see nothing beautiful," she says, as if she's not understanding a night at the opera. It gets more ridiculous when Armand hits a man in the food line who insults him. "You just hit that man!" Jaclyn says a few times, not that she leaves her place in line or doesn't eat her food.
Ken wakes Jaclyn up in the middle of the night (although in one of those gaffes that affected the trashier types of miniseries, it's clearly full daytime outside with loads of people milling about) to tell her she has a client. "A client? C-L-I-E-N-T? I'm there already," she yells, jumping out of bed. But this client cannot pay. It's a priest, Father James Greene. He explains the case, about a prisoner who may have beaten a man to death in prison (Bill Cobbs).
So, wearing her preferred outfit of suit with a flowing skirt and something around her neck (this time a sweater AGAIN), she goes to the prison to meet Bill, who is suffering badly from being in solitary confinement. Here comes Dr. Jaclyn again. When Bill avoids her questions and propositions her sexually, she asks, "do you hate all people?" So, what is Bill's story? "I killed a honkey slime," he starts, but business-like Jaclyn has trouble connecting to him, so he leaves, saying, "this is real! This is black!" in trying to avoid telling her the truth.
Who is her opposing counsel? DA Ron, of course, who threatens to "have your eyes, ears, nose and throat" before the judge arrives. What, you don't want her mouth or her shoulder pads, Ron? Nope. "I'm going to ram your face into the law, THE LAW!" he says furthermore. His threats are one thing, but she opens an anonymous letter in the courtroom telling her to drop the case, that it will end her career (naturally, it's one of those notes with letters cut out of magazines and newspapers, pasted together).
What actor doesn't love a trial scene? We know hammy Ron does, and his opening statement is flashy. Jaclyn can hold her own. Boring as hell, at least she sticks to the law. Though Bill had admitted to killing the man and there were witnesses, the plan is self-defense. Ron makes much out of Bill's being a much bigger man than the victim, but Jaclyn has ample power suits with ties that match on her side!n She also gets a huge break when Ron makes a small legal error that allows her to introduce a "goody box" into evidence. That would be a box of weapons confiscated, proving that the victim might have had a weapon. It's a giant stretch of an argument, especially since all it does is prove that the victim could have had a weapon. Pouring the contents onto the floor, Jaclyn gets to showboat in a way only Ron usually gets to do.
At this point, one wonders when and how Jaclyn (who remember, is supposed to be a novice) became so good in a trial setting. This is her first case! Should we assume Pop taught her the tricks or is she just super brilliant? Let's bet on the former, shall we?
On the stand, Bill says that indeed the victim did have a weapon and he was "forced to kill him" because of it. Ron picks up the salad tongs Bill claims his victim had and, smarmy as all get out, asks how something like that could do any damage. "Testicle crushers," Bill says, as no doubt every man in the courtroom winces. Even Ron has no reply to that one.
Jaclyn wins the case and calls Ken to share the exciting news. As a present, he takes her out on a yacht, complete with wine and cheese. "Ohhhh, cheese! Boy, they are going to lose money on me," she says, once again proving how incredibly socially awkward she can be. I will give Jaclyn credit for the first sensible thing she's had to say so far in the entire movie. She asks Ken if he "minds being seen in public" with her, considering he's a married man running for Senator. Nope, apparently "being seen with an astonishingly beautiful woman" is a plus, though Ken doesn't understand why. Don't affairs usually kill campaigns? Ken also fills Jaclyn in on Kevin, whom he used to use as a private investigator. He's smart and good at what he does, but never passed the bar because of his drinking. There was also a wife. "She came home one day..." Ken starts, with Jaclyn AGAIN finishing his sentence, "and of course there was a woman in the bed." "There was a man in the bed and Nancy killed herself five days later." That's an interesting twist! "I guess he's still waiting for the hyenas to come down from the hills," Jaclyn opines, although I can't say I understand the reference.
Having won such an important case, Jaclyn is suddenly the hottest lawyer in town, inundated with offers. It also seems Kevin has some sort of feelings for her. Ken invites her to one of his Sunday Vietnam vet "rap sessions." She finds them an ornery disappointed bunch, disaffected and angry. Jennifer is deeply moved by what she sees and hears, unable to hold back tears. This scene rings with truth and honest pathos, but what it's doing in a Sidney Sheldon piece, I'm not entirely sure. Sheldon was not known for taking on social causes in his writing and he was a generation older than the Vietnam veterans.
Boyfriend and girlfriend have the obligatory run along the beach at sunset and then a rather awkward morning at a hotel where Ken is clearly upset and out of sorts, but Jaclyn soothes him by saying, "I expect nothing but you." Suddenly wealthy (her big case was that of a convict, so how could that make her rich?), Jaclyn gets a new apartment where she and Ken can do more of that quip crap. She talks about the fireplace giving off heat, he makes it sexual. She talks about preparing dishes in the kitchen, he says she's the only dish for him. A relationship built on puns is a house of cards, if you ask me. When Jaclyn mentions the dreaded word "relationship," she instantly apologizes, remembering his situation. "I would rather have no illusions than broken promises," she tells him when he fumbles for a way to make her feel better, knowing he can never leave his wife. She just keeps smiling and smiling. This incredibly nutso scene ends with Jaclyn a bit disappointed that Ken has mentioned his work with fellow vets in a campaign speech, but after two or three lines, invites him to "see the bedroom." Either Jaclyn's character is extremely stupid (that's been pretty well established) or extremely horny.
You know it's going to be odd when the heroine is invited to the grand palatial estate of his current wife, Deborah May. "I think you must be the most civilized person I've ever met," Jaclyn comments, for lack of any other clear sentiment. Calm WASP Deborah notes, "people change...I feel brand new. In fact, I'm very much in love myself." She's putting off a divorce until after the Senate campaign. "Is that agreeable to you?" Deborah asks? This is too good to be true. She has to be hiding a knife somewhere under the tea table. Her only request? "Let me release [Ken]. Let me let him go."
When Jaclyn arrives home, she finds an envelope with a dead canary in it pinned to her door.
After a fundraiser, Deborah decides to talk to Ken about their relationship. "Emotionally, we're both run out," she says. She tells him she will give him up if Jaclyn can stimulate him and keep him going with his political career. As for her plans, she remains vague. "No villains, no losers, everyone wins," she says, way too smoothly. She has one request of him too, that they have sex one more time. And they do!
Let's pause to learn a fact, via Sidney Sheldon. "The East River isn't a river at all, it's a channel," Ken tells Jaclyn when they have a rendezvous there. Let's unpause...
...to reveal the secret that has been making Deborah so confident. She's pregnant! This gets Jaclyn all upset again, and we know when she gets upset here, she blubbers and can't speak in complete sentences. "I'm hurting terribly," Jaclyn cries, suddenly without any hope. She has already figured out (and I'm not sure how with her lack of ability to put puzzle pieces together) that Deborah will always have an excuse to keep Ken. "There will always be another election...she intends for you to be President." Before leaving him, Jaclyn even compliments Deborah. "She rolled over me...that's good for a Senator's wife," she remarks, almost impressed.
It turns out Deborah is far more devious. As Jaclyn crosses the street one night, Deborah runs her down with her Mercedes. She wakes up in the hospital with bruises and make-up, with Kevin there at her side. The nurse, breaking all rules, tells Kevin that Jaclyn "almost lost the baby."
A year later, Jaclyn and Kevin are celebrating her child's first birthday, which happens to be Election Day. Wait, so Ron and Ken have been campaigning for over a year for a Senate seat? Something is off here timing-wise, but we don't have a choice except to believe it. Tucked into the conversation is a line that should be the focus of it: "I adopted him legally." Even in the early 80s, this character felt it necessary to hide her single motherhood and use that adoption bit? I thought that kind of thing disappeared with Eisenhower.
Jaclyn's big new case is to go after a company that makes trucks. Not only does it happen to be the one that "accidentally" killed the secretary who could have exonerated Jaclyn, but she also has other clients, proving that the trucks are faulty. When George Coe agrees to meet her demands for $2 million settlement for another injured woman, he asks her out to lunch. "Why don't we wait? You can hand me the check over a nice chef's salad," she says, swooping out of the room.
We haven't seen much of creepy Armand lately, and he ups that character description by sitting in the dark in Jaclyn's office, to be there when she arrives for work one morning. She tells him never go come to her office again. "You want me to go to your house?" he asks with swagger? "No." "That's why I came here."
I know you won't believe this, but Jennifer has been outwitted. I know, I know! When you pick yourself up off the floor, I'll tell you how. Remember when George Coe agreed to give her client $2 million? He first had to go to London for a trip, but they do have that lunch. Jaclyn asks for the money and he informs her she can't have it. "The statute of limitations ran out today," he says with a smile. Okay, so George Coe and his lawyers bothered to do their research in order to figure it out, but Jaclyn, whom we're told repeatedly might just be the smartest lawyer EVER in history, didn't bother to check on that detail, not a tiny one either.
But, she manages to cover that mistake in the most Sidney Sheldon-esque way possible, with a juicy deus ex machina that is too goofy for words. She calls George Coe, drunk with his coworkers over their good fortune, to inform him that she has found a lawyer in Hawaii, which is hours behind New York and therefore still within statute of limitations. Genius, pure genius.
After hearing that Ken is now running the Senate subcommittee on organized crime, Jaclyn gets ready for her next case, defending kidnapper John Glover. He admits to kidnapping the child, but explains why. It all started when his wife died in childbirth, as did the child. "It's like they couldn't afford God's rent to stay here," he says, a line meant to be brilliant, but instead laughably ridiculous. Anyway, he saw a little girl who looked like what would have been his child. "I didn't send a ransom note. I didn't want any money. I only wanted little Tammy," he says. Jaclyn has it all figured out in a flash. Someone knew about the kidnapping and send the ransom note to frame John (who, admittedly, did kidnap a kid, so he's not exactly an angel).
Jaclyn has to beg her old nemesis Ron to move John to a hospital because he's obviously crazy, and also to protect him from the other prisoners, who don't look kindly on kidnappers. She throws a tantrum, but that's not going to move Ron. While Jaclyn is speaking in court on another case, Kevin interrupts the the proceedings to tell her John has been playing them. He's really a homicidal maniac. However, Ron actually did have him transferred to a hospital, where he killed guards and escaped.
Pause again. So, Jaclyn didn't learn from the statute of limitations case that she should actually put some research hours into her cases? Wouldn't it have been easy enough to find out their client was a con artist? Unpause.
Needless to say, Ron is incredibly angry, having followed her advice only for it to end so badly. That night, Jaclyn arrives home to find her dog dead in the driveway. And her child is missing. The nanny is gagged and in the closet. John calls Jaclyn just as she's undoing the nanny. Why did John do it? "You knew they'd steal my brain...you took my case so you could have me destroyed," he tells her in stuttering gasps. Oh, John, you give her too much credit. She could have never put that many pieces together. Jaclyn has to go back to Ron to enlist his help in finding her son. She puts a lot of emphasis on forcing Ron to get John. "Strictly speaking, we're not an apprehending organization," he says, quite correctly. The DA's office? Why the hell is she putting any eggs in that basket? Ah, she actually tells us, and it's because she knows the DA has informants and she's hoping to tap into it. "You're not going to help me, are you? You still hate my guts. You're going to let my little boy diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!!!!!!" she yells as she runs out of the office.
Hmmm, where else can she go? Wait a minute, how about mob lawyer Armand Assante? He must have a few tricks up his sleeve. He goes to the mob boss to help figure it out and now we are subject to wizened old mafia boss wisdom, which doesn't make a whole lot of sense and might be fun it it rhymed. They get the police file on John, which Armand is convinced has information the police do not understand. John has Jaclyn's son tucked away and when the kid asks for his mother, he's told, "she in hell, she's deep in hell." Armand and company find a friend of John's and beat the stuffing out of him, getting as far as his sister (Lois Smith). Skittish Lois isn't afraid. "If this is a rape job, go ahead. My doctor's treating me for gonorrhea," she tells Armand and his equally grossed-out pal. Can she lead them to John before he sacrifices Jaclyn's son?
Of course! Armand kills him and the baby is saved. I suppose Jaclyn owes Armand big time now. "There's no thank you big enough," she tells him and even agrees to call him. That calls leads to a trip to Paris where their big pouffy hairstyles flow in tandem in the wind. He takes Jaclyn to the most opulent hotel in Paris, which he calls "quaint," and packs her off to the room while he has a meeting with some sketchy guys. She's left to ponder Paris on the balcony in yet another oversized sweater. The problem they have is that he loves her and she doesn't love him. "Tell me you love me," he says over and over, and all she says is "want" over and over.
By chance, back in New York City, Ken sees Jaclyn with their son, a nanny and a priest (go into a bar...). It's an awkward meeting for the two, getting a bit heated when he chides her for associating with Armand and his kind. Deborah is across the street waving. "She's a great waver," he says, trying to ignore her, but Jaclyn moves on. However, the meeting has upset her enough to snap at poor Kevin. Wearing her worst power suit yet, with a wide tie that was never stylish, Jaclyn is on the attack when Kevin tries to warn her about Armand as well. "I feel so funny. Nobody looks familiar. Everybody seems to have gone away," Kevin ruminates, staring outside the window, an omen of gloom.
Mafia head Joseph dies and Armand and his other lawyer Joe Warren argue about the will. Joe is pissed that Armand has turned into a "sloppy lovesick" fool who can't handle the business. Armand grabs Joe and insists that Jaclyn "and the organization" are both mine.
Kevin's world crumbles faster. He starts drinking again. "Please, tell me why. I'll understand," she chirps. Really? She hasn't understood much so far, so how will she understand that? When he rips into her about "yesterday's heartbreak staring at you through cankered tears," loneliness and even gay bars, she merely looks perplexed, though with sympathetic tears. "I've got nothing!" he yells and thrashes the office. He pulls down bookcases and blames Jaclyn for everything, but all she can do is whimper for him to stop. Yeah, it's clear she doesn't understand, just like he predicted. She takes him home to her family.
But, it's not enough. He goes into the office and hangs himself. When Jaclyn discovers him, she has one of by-now-expected fits of hysteria and then we dash off three months ahead to a legal conference in Mexico. It's not all work, as Jaclyn calls her secretary from a pool filled with hibiscus flowers.
The Senior Senator from New York is supposed to speak, but he can't make it and instead the Junior Senator from New York speaks (that would be our pal Ken, the only person in Mexico wearing a tie as everyone else is in leisure suits and halter tops). Ken gets to Jaclyn's hotel suite and asks point blank if the kid is his. Why didn't she tell him? "I didn't want to tear you in two. I would have ended up with the lesser half. And so would" his wife, she tells him, again proving that math is not a strong suit of hers. For that matter, neither is good dialogue. There was a time when she could quip beautifully, but now she can only quote her infant son. "All gone," she tells Ken.
He asks her out on a date in Mexico and she refuses, but does tell him he could have been a great senator and is not. Why? "Because [Deborah's] eyes don't dance like yours," he replies. That apparently seals the deal. She meets him as requested and they make all sorts of promises to each other in red lighting that is meant to simulate moonlight, but looks like a cut scene from the movie version of "South Pacific."
When Jaclyn gets home from her trip, Armand's chauffeur is waiting to take her to him. In church. He's in a pensive mood, talking in riddles and opposites. "I love you suntanned. I love you pale...I've seen you naked, but never nude," that sort of tripe. He tells in his best mafia voice that, "you must never leave me again," though she replies, "I hope to be rid of you." He insists on protecting her son always, but she doesn't understand what he really wants. "What can I give you to keep you gentle?" she asks. "The title, free and clear," is his answer. Last I checked, she's not the Queen, so what title?
In the next scene, he's boxing with his lackey, who is giving him his spy report on Jaclyn and Ken's moves in Mexico. "You saw him in bed with my property?" he asks, slugging the lackey to the ground. The conversation continues in the sauna where a very hairy-chested Armand orders a hit on Ken. The lackey is biding his time because he wants to hire someone from out of the country who cannot be traced. Ah, but Armand wants to do it himself. The lackey begs him not to. "I want him dead more than I want myself alive," he mumbles. That will certainly win you Jaclyn, won't it? What is she supposed to do, drag your carcass to dinners and the movies?
Joe Warren calls Jaclyn for a mysterious meeting in Lower Manhattan. "I'm not in the boom boom business," referring to the mafia. She doesn't really care, but when he says "lovesick madman" Armand has a hit out on Ken, she is interested. Jaclyn doesn't see what she can do (other than the obvious--telling Ken), but Joe says they are both "your men" and thus her problem. For the first time in the story, Jaclyn actually asks a smart question: why can't Joe take care of Armand? He has some excuse about not starting a mob war. The answer is wan, but I'm so proud of our Jaclyn for starting to understand!
She can't get through to Ken, so she goes to her old friend, DA Rob. She informs him that Armand is going to kill Ken, because "of his obsession for me." Rob asks when? where? how? She has no idea. "Why me? Why me again?" Rob begs of her. "You're going to do nothing? You're going to sit there and stare at me with your dead eyes and do nothing?" she begs. Oh, Jaclyn, the flattery, it's too much! Wait a second, it actually works! He says "I'll handle it." Of course, when she leaves, Rob tells his assistant he has no intention of listening to her.
Armand calls Jaclyn and asks for "a civilized ending," a meeting for that night at 7pm. He then goes out with a gun to shoot Ken on his usual riverside jogging path. Ken runs merrily with his constituents (including one sassy girl who says she'll vote for him because he has "great legs and a cute behind"), while Armand slowly steers a boat to his ideal spot and Jaclyn arrives at Armand's place, perplexed because "he's never kept me waiting before." Back to being completely dimwitted, Jaclyn doesn't put the pieces together immediately, grilling the lackey until darkness falls and threatening to "put you away for life plus forever!" Jeepers, that's a long time.
When she gets the information from the lackey, Jaclyn is caught in traffic trying to get there. Ken stops to take a rest and Armand loads his gun. Amazingly, Jaclyn runs to Ken (how the hell did she know exactly where he would be?), yells his name and then gets shot by Armand, who does a King Lear-like howl when he sees what he's done. Unfortunately, he doesn't see the tugboat behind him, which knocks him into the river. He's caught in the current and goes under.
Ken keeps a vigil at the hospital and Deborah is there too. "She has no right to make it!" Deborah says. She confesses to the notes and hints at the car accident, demanding that "you can be President of the United States someday and I can watch." Again in a hospital bed, this time Jaclyn has no bruises, but still her perfect make-up. Finally catching up with the plot, Jaclyn tells Ken, "I think he wanted me there that night so he could tell me he killed you." You don't say! "Don't look so miserable, you don't have to love my anymore...you loved me once and that's enough. I'm the past," she tells him, setting him up for the inevitable blow-off. He tells her, "you're the most distinguished person I've ever met," leaves the hospital room, takes his wife's hand and walks down the long hallway.
As for our Jaclyn, she's "giving up everything" in the words of her secretary, to go back to Washington. The woman even packs up a house in a jacket with shoulder pads. Dressing down, up, or sideways is not something she has been able to manage. Her friend the priest has one last case for her and as she pleads and refuses, the camera pulls away and the movie ends.
The Jennifer Parker lead character in "Rage of Angels" is the most unappealing of all Sidney Sheldon heroines, mainly because she's so utterly idiotic. Granted, "Rage of Angels" is not one of his better books, because most of the characters are unappealing and it misses the touch of the exotic that Sheldon did so well. The movie version goes one worse by letting go of the erotic, something no Sheldon book ever lacked. Dozens of men want the same woman here and we don't have so much as a sex scene. The biggest kiss is from a man to his wife!
However, things here proved so popular that "Rage of Angels" begot a miniseries sequel...
Questions? Comments? Laughs? Email me at hpmaraka@gmail.com and let's chat!
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Jacqueline Susann's Valley of the Dolls (1981)
Universally adored as perhaps THE ne plus ultra camp classic of all time, the 1967 film version of Jacqueline Susann's smut-fueled roman a clef "Valley of the Dolls," is one of those movies from which you cannot turn away. It lures you in, traps you and won't let you go. For decades, you will be quoting the lines. And no, you don't have to be a drag queen to appreciate the myriad treasures of that film. The performance of Patty Duke alone should have had the Academy changing the rules to take back Oscars from actors who go this far outside of good acting.
But alas, we're not here to discuss the 1967 "Valley of the Dolls" (though if you would like to, let me know, because I can go on for hours and hours), but the 1981 remake, which added the author's name to the official title though she was already dead. This remake resets the piece in 1981, which automatically knocks out any chance of figuring out which characters in the original were based on celebrities (Is Neely Judy Garland? Is Helen Ethel Merman?), and let's face it, 1981 was not nearly as deliciously cheesy a time as 1967. But, a bit more faithful to the Susann novel than the original movie (at least until the half an hour or so), this remake, which spawned a very brief television series, certainly has its goofy charms as well. It tries very hard to create some classic lines of its own, but none of them compare.
Because of Patty Duke's immortal performance, the presence of Susan Hayward and the tragedy that would befall Sharon Tate only a few years later, people tend to think of the original as having an A-List cast, but that's anything but true (how's life today, Barbara Parkins?). So, this remake gets by with a B-Level cast just the same, though none of them are in any danger of stepping over the line into immortality from this piece of nonsense.
Before jumping in, let's give credit where it's due. Well, credit and blame. The original novel "Valley of the Dolls" was a gigantic sensation in its time. Partially due to Susann's willingness to play her part nationwide, sales of the book skyrocketed and trashy literature had a new heroine. It was "Peyton Place" but twenty times dirtier and more fascinating because of it. So, of course it had to be a movie. And of course Susann had to write more books in this vein before dying tragically young(ish).
And that folks, is the central problem with the 1981 "Valley of the Dolls." Nearly two decades of familiarity, a movie version and a sexual revolution later, the actions of the characters and their sexual liberties seem almost tame here. Why do it at all? With Mr. Susann, Irving Mansfield as an executive producer, I suppose we have our answer.
Note: because the characters in "Valley of the Dolls" are so well-known, I'm going to use character names here.
The first thing to notice is a song by Dionne Warwick, who sang the title song in the original, but it's not that song, just some pale imitation called "What Became of Me?" by no less than Sammy Cahn of all people. That sets the tone for the next four hours, pale imitation.
Forget New York City and Broadway, by 1981, the were as decaying as Helen Lawson's career. For 1981, it's all about Los Angeles and Hollywood. Ann Welles (Catherine Hicks) has graduated from a legal secretary to a full-fledged lawyer, though still for an entertainment agency. Ann is still somewhat mousy to start, wearing a suit that she tells a co-worker "I sewed when I was 16," an outfit that is so buttoned up and free of skin it could be worn by a nun.
Ann has to work on some contracts to please superstar and notorious bitch Helen Lawson (slumming Jean Simmons). We first encounter Helen in a screening room watching a terrifically awful movie musical number performed by Tony Polar (Bert Convy) to Jennifer North (Veronica Hamel). "Damn her! I want her out. I want her out of the picture!" Helen screams, going into the projection room, knocking the movie off the projector. As she trashes the room, she berates the poor nobody editor with lines like, "didn't anyone ever tell you 'Fanfare' is a Helen Lawson picture?" The movie's director Lyon Burke (David Birney) calms him down, telling him that she only rages because she's old and Jennifer is young and pretty. He then has to placate Helen, which he does, though she still wants Jennifer fired. "You've heard all those rumors about her doing pornos," is her rationalization, though she's also jealous because she assumes Lyon is sleeping with Jennifer. "You get rid of that tramp or I'll put everyone connected with this film on welfare," Helen rails before storming out. The lines are a hoot, but it's Jean Simmons, drawing on decades of experience, who makes them work. Unlike Susan Hayward, who played every role as a "broad," it doesn't come as naturally to Jean, making it all the more impressive.
The head of the law firm is Henry Bellamy (James Coburn), who has gone over the Helen Lawson contract and found out that Helen holds all the cards. To make sure we understand just how important Henry is, their meeting is interrupted by a call from Rome, from Carlo. Do we need to ask Carlo who? (Ponti, we assume). Ann admires Henry's artwork and Henry is quite taken with her, inviting her to lunch, you know, to discuss business.
On the movie set, Lyon is shooting a scene with Tony and Jennifer, though Tony is both unable to ride a bike and remember lines. "It's okay," Lyon says, the only director in history to be calmer than anyone else on the shoot. He pulls Jennifer aside to tell her to cue him, and Jennifer takes the opportunity to make sure Lyon won't fire her at Helen's insistence. When she returns to help Tony, all he can do is ask her out on a date.
That night, Tony picks Jennifer up, but she won't get in the car until he opens the door. "I never let superstars take me for granted," she jokes. They take a ride around the Hollywood Hills, bonding over shared experiences of childhood poverty (via one-liners). He takes her back to his house, where she's on guard. When she asks him if he's ever been in love, he replies, "not until now." That's her cue to pull away. "I want to be more than a one-night stand," she says, assuming she's just another notch on the bedpost, but Tony assures her, "you mean much more to me than that."
Lyon meets with Henry and Ann, the only woman he so far hasn't charmed and promised to call, where Ann summarizes their position with Helen: $5million at stake. Lyon wants to fire her and recast, but Henry refuses. She's the star. Lyon also will not fire Jennifer, threatening to quit if it comes to that. "I suppose it's time to stop catering to her," Henry says of Helen and then decides to talk about casting another role, another one that has enraged Helen.
It's at this point that Lyon notices Ann and invites her out for a drink. Instead, Ann suggests going to a showcase where her roommate Neely O'Hara (Lisa Hartman) is performing because Ann thinks she would be perfect for the role in the movie. This gives Neely an opportunity to tear into a truly awful rock song that shows off absolutely no talent at all, but somehow Lyon is bewitched. I'm not sure what the plot of the movie is, but the number we've seen so far (Tony's with Jennifer) was an old-time type and Neely sings rock. "You're not supposed to be able to find talent like that anymore, right? Wrong!" Lyon tells Ann after agreeing to give Neely a vocal and screen test. No, Lyon, you should never have to find "talent" like that. For some reason, this has Lyon going glassy-eyed and talking about the serious types of movies he wants to make. And that is followed by him inviting Ann back to his house, saying he's forward because he has no times for games. "Sorry Lyon, no games, no score," says out Miss Priss.
So much ground is covered in that scene, it's amazing, especially because it's handled so ineptly!
Anyway, at 6am the next morning, Neely is laying down her vocal track. She has a lot of trouble and she's very nervous, though Lyon has an infinite amount of patience, as usual.. Cue the first "doll." Neely downs a pill to perk her up and suddenly she can perform the song perfectly (or perfectly badly, if you are on the outside of the movie). The screen test is done with Neely dressed like a Mandrell sister. It takes ten days, but Neely gets the part. Ann has known, so she has a bottle of champagne ready to celebrate and Lyon himself shows up at their apartment to drop off the script...and to invite Ann out on a second date.
They stay in, where now it's Ann's turn to go glassy-eyed and tell her life story in a bland monologue. Lyon plays less attention than I did, only wanting to kiss her, which he does, of course.
Get ready folks, it's Neely's first day on the set. She's so nervous that someone offers her "a little help...to take the edge off." More Tic Tacs, I mean dolls. Remember when I said I didn't know what "Fanfare" was about? And remember when I told you to get ready? On the first, I'm more confused than ever and on the second, you better make sure you're prepared. Neely's first day on the set is as the leader of an elaborate production number where she and a bunch of girls come off a cruise ship in cheerleader outfits dong choreography so ridiculous it looks like it was lifted from the Village People's "Can't Stop the Music." Neely wears hot pants to distinguish her from the rest of the girls. Amazingly, her first take is perfect.
Also on the set are Tony and Jennifer, having a giggle over a terrible meal she made. Cue Miriam (Broadway legend Carol Lawrence), Tony's controlling sister, who snorts to Jennifer, "I saw your centerfold...do you do that sort of thing often?" The conversation is a catfight waiting to happen, but Jennifer retains the upper hand. Miriam warns Tony not to "get involved," but Tony tells her, "you manage my business affairs" and he'll take care of Jennifer.
In her most efficient demeanor, Ann goes to Helen's trailer to suspend her, and Helen is outraged, though Ann manages to chide her for her behavior because she is "someone I've loved all of my life." Idol worship has to be put on hold as Helen hears more of Neely's production number being shot and storms out. This part takes on the second story of a double decker bus with the band dressed in sailor outfits. Why? Beats the hell out of me! Helen gets even angrier because "that's my song!" "Not anymore," Lyon says, informing her that the picture is being reshot around the younger cast. "What's my next shot?" a defeated Helen asks, even taking a moment to thank Ann for her harsh words.
Because of the way Ann has handled Helen, Henry buys her a painting and puts her in charge of everything regarding "Fanfare" while he's out of town. "Beware of Lyon. He has a way of devouring baby moguls," a phrase Ann had just coined for people so young in the business who rise so high. This means she has to be on the set all the time. She invades the pastries, but Neely doesn't because she's busy popping pills. When Henry calls to inform Lyon that they have decided to give Neely two extra numbers (musicals by 1981 barely had two, let alone two extra!), he also talks to Ann, who is so super smart about everything she knows exactly how much money it costs every time Tony can't remember his lines.
Anyone in screenwriting classes should take notes on a scene between Tony and Jennifer, because it's everything one should not do in constructing a scene. Jennifer, emerging from the pool, somehow gets to the subject of children and Tony says he loves them, but never thought about having any. "Are you trying to tell me something?" he asks. "No," she says. She takes five steps. "Not really," she says. Pours lemonade. "Well, think about it," she says. Giving himself nearly a full minute to ham it up, Bert-as-Tony registers about 15 facial expressions and slowly walks over to Jennifer to ask if she's pregnant. She's "not sure," but wants to prepare him so he can prepare Miriam. The scene should have taken 10 seconds, not 10 years.
It's been decided to do an all-out "media blitz" on Neely and turn her into a star in five minutes. In order to act, record, model, pose and live through it all, Neely needs more and more dolls. She's so wired that her faithful Teddi Casablana (Steve Inwood), who presumably is still "not a fag" in the immortal words of 1967, gives her dolls to sleep. "We're streetfighters, you and me...we're going to show this town who we really are," Teddi tells her, for reasons I can't comprehend because there has been no establishment of his character or who the hell he even is! "Teddi, love me," Neely says as she pulls him close to her.
Steel yourselves, it's time for a Jean Simmons number. No, not Gene Simmons, Jean Simmons. Only because Margaret Whiting handled the vocals and a mobile pulled concentration away from her, was Susan Hayward able to pull off "I'll Plant My Own Tree" in the original movie version. Jean is not so lucky. Stuck on a sound stage that looks like the old set of "Hollywood Palace," on a block with a band around her, poor Jean is drenched in a red dress so voluminous it must have come from "Gone With the Wind," she lip syncs to someone who is definitely no Margaret Whiting. Thankfully, it soon turns into a duet with Tony, and since Bert Convy can actually sing, he melds with her ghost vocalist better than when said vocalist sings solo. I ask again the question of "what the hell is this movie about?" The two are dressed for something from the 50s, though the song sounds like vintage 70s Carpenters. When that scene is done, the movie is officially full shot and since the sound stage is so enormous, it can be used for the wrap party.
Helen asks Henry if he indeed would have canceled the picture if she hasn't "backed down on Jennifer North." Absolutely he would have. "Ann did a good job of bluffing me down, but it's nice to know I still have some clout," she says wistfully. You want to rethink that, Helen? Whatever this movie is about, it ain't gonna be good! Jennifer informs Tony she's pregnant and he goes to the microphone to announce his engagement to Jennifer. Even Helen claps at this news, though Miriam is is pissed. "When you have a moment, meet me in your dressing room. It's urgent. And don't tell Tony," she hisses at Jennifer. Before she can go, she has to accept congratulations from Ann and Neely, while everyone else spreads good cheer to Tony.
Lyon gets a call from Paris, telling him his new art film there is a go, but the call actually sounds like it's from 1967, because Lyon tells Ann she's coming with him, but she has her job in LA. "Is that suddenly more important than us?" he asks. "Either come with me or forget about it," he snaps when she offers to take long weekends in Paris. She says no and he walks out.
Now what is so urgent that Miriam had to drag Jennifer away from the party? "I don't dislike you, Jennifer, I never did...now I think you really care," Miriam says, and then makes Jennifer promise to keep this conversation a secret. "There is no easy way to say this," she starts. It seems that Tony's father (not hers, FYI), "died in the back ward of a mental hospital, a vegetable." Ouch! Tony was only four and given a lot of tests, only to find out he was born "with a death sentence over him...he was going to die the same way his father did." Mugging to the back row of the balcony and lays out some fancy medical terms that essentially add up to the fact that Tony is soon to be a goner. She has the paperwork to prove it. "He's going to die. He's dying right now. Only first he's going to become a helpless child, only it won't be in the back ward of a mental hospital. I've already picked the best sanitarium there is. There only thing I can hope is that he doesn't know what is happening to him," Miriam dramatically tells Jennifer, who dissolves into tears of her own. Jennifer asks what will happen if she has a child, and of course Miriam says it's not at all possible. Uh oh.
Tony has been making plans in Jennifer's absence, culminating in a desire to fly to Rome the next day to get married. Jennifer wants a drink first. Is that okay, wonders Tony? She assures him it is. I think at this point, Jennifer is no longer worried about the health of her never-to-be-born fetus, and a glass of wine won't make things any worse. In fact, she tells him that she would like to go on a very very long honeymoon together and a baby would be in the way. "Let's put off having this baby," she says, to which Tony angrily replies, "you want to kill it?" She makes it sound like she wants a few years of alone time with him before they settle into family life. "After we kill our child, we can have a ball. We can celebrate!" Tony snarls. "Are you just a lousy ambitious actress on the make?" he fumes, asking her if she's just been using him until the picture ended? "I can't go through with it, Tony, I can't," she says simply. "I'm going on the concert tour and you can go tot hell," he says before storming out. This is 1981 and not 1967, so Jennifer can have an abortion free, clear and legally.
Jennifer then goes to Paris when she buys her own dolls at a news stand. She becomes an addicted mess very quickly in a rat trap of an apartment (though with strong windows because closing just one mutes all the tolling bells of the city) which she can't pay for.
Neely becomes an overnight sensation, the kind that is mobbed by fans when she tries to walk down Hollywood Boulevard (you know, where all the fans hang out and thus stars are bound to be mobbed). A fan puts a sticker saying "I Love Neely" over Helen Lawson's billing on a poster for "Fanfare." She and Teddi fight over her career. He feels Ann and Henry have stymied it by controlling it so tightly, and she won't fight them.
As for Ann, she's on her way up as well. She has bought a best-seller to turn into a movie...no, a musical for Neely, and she's reminded that "there is a great part in it for Jennifer," though no one has heard from her. Ann has scads of men leaving her messages proposing dates, but she ignores them all. She misses Lyon.
In a seedy Parisian bar, a blond woman with a severe haircut and big shoulder pads buys Jennifer a drink, saying she's an artist. "I've been watching you for some minutes and I can tell you are a very unhappy woman," Vivienne (Camille Spary) opines. She invites Jennifer to her studio for some wine. "Why not?" Jennifer tartly replies. Anything for free booze. Vivienne offers Jennifer a modeling job, and Jennifer collapses, not having eaten since she started on the dolls. Vivienne offers to help her. "You need someone. You shouldn't be alone," she says. Remember, folks, what a severe haircut meant in 1981.
Guess who is nominated for Best Supporting Actress? Neely! Yup, word comes via telegram (apparently also from 1967). Oh, what award is this? I have no idea, no one actually says. It can't be an Oscar, because that would be a trademark violation, and last I checked, they didn't send nominees telegrams ahead of the announcement. Guess who is not nominated for Best Actress? Helen, and Ann feels sorry for her. "This started out as a Helen Lawson picture," she whines to Henry and then asks him, "could you arrange for one of those Lifetime Achievement Awards" for Helen. He can arrange that, no problem. This definitely isn't the Oscars. They discuss Lyon's time in Paris, where apparently he's already made his movie and it tanked. That was quick!
It's the night of the awards and Army Archerd is playing himself on the red carpet. He interviews Helen first. Does she think Neely will win? "Oh, I'm rooting for her," she says with a recognizable sneer. He has to be fed the name of Tony's date. When Neely shows up, whoever designed the costumes for this movie should be shot. Starting with the tightly braided hair, it's a mess from top to bottom (hey, it's an awards show, we're allowed to judge the outfits). Teddi doesn't let her answer anything, doing it himself. Ann and Henry come together and Lyon jumps out from the crowd to greet them.
"Look at that hair!" Henry says, supposedly lovingly, when Neely is announced as the winner and kisses everyone in the cast on her way up. Everyone except for Helen, that is. Helen is backstage wearing a giant frown and puffing on a cigarette, unhappily watching on a monitor.
The fur flies backstage. "Those pills must have affected your mind, you thanked everyone but the star of the picture," Helen snaps. "I thanked everyone who helped me," Neely retorts. "You look like a porcupine in heat," Helen notices (and she's right). "You're a hag...has-been of the year," Neely says when Nathan Lane, of all people, playing a stage hand, tries to get Helen onto the stage. Helen gives Neely a resounding slap across the face and is then help by two women, but soon escapes in time to pull off Helen's wig to reveal her natural gray hair just as Helen's name is announced on stage.
Neely takes the wig and holds it over a toilet so Helen can see it, dropping it down and chirping, "go get it, Miss Lawson," as she flushes. Nathan Lane is about to have a heart attack in his attempt to get Helen on, and she finally decides to go with her gray hair (which is a really bad wig--you can see the wig line!). She's a pro, strutting out on stage and accepting the award with a joke about her hair and noting that she's in good company getting this award, with Helen Hayes and Laurence Olivier. And then she tops it all by saying that, "when I was very young, I had a walk-on in a movie about Mary, Queen of Scots" who famously died wearing a wig, covering gray hair. "I'm glad I showed you mine while we still have time to get to know each other," Helen says to a rapturous crowd and strides off stage a self-possessed veteran. Take that, you newcomer swine, Neely O'Hara!
At a celebratory lunch, Teddi fires away at Henry and Ann. "I'm serving notice right now...unless you are prepared to renegotiate," he warns. Henry and Ann agree, but then Henry says that "everything is negotiable except her hair," cutting Teddi down to his first job as a hair stylist. "The amateurs have a tendency to bring everybody down to their level," Henry snarls, "and in this case, that's intolerable." He storms out and then Teddi storms out, so Neely has to run after him. "That's baby's in trouble. She's far down the road," Lyon notes to Ann, who has worked her addiction into the shooting schedule. Lyon wants to direct the picture and Ann, wearing the same color as the booth and therefore blending into it, won't give him a firm yes or no on that.
Neely passes out during a recording session and awakes to find Teddi gone. She follows him to a bar where he's canoodling with another woman. Neely throws a drink in the woman's face and slaps Teddi. "You pig, you slob," Teddi spits out, "you make me sick. You disgust me." Neely falls up against a parked car, in her tight Spandex pants and then drives away, deprived of the howler of a monologue Patty Duke got around this time in the original version. Instead, she gets a trip in an elevator where she pushes all the buttons and cries. She heads to the roof, tries to get some dolls and accidentally drops them over.
Henry gets the news first and calls Ann, but Lyon picks up and refuses to let Ann have the phone for no apparent reason but to be macho and waste a few moments. When Ann and company arrive, Neely is still on the roof and the reporters are watching from below. "Is there anyway we can help?" Lyon asks a policeman? "Hey, maybe!" he says and lets Lyon and Ann up to the roof. Teddi is stopped by a reporter who has one question: "why?" He blames Henry and the "exclusive contract." When Teddi tries to go up, they won't let him.
Instead, Ann and Lyon are harnessed and sent to the edge to help her. Uh huh, right! Because both of them are such great negotiators. "Don't you remember all the dreaming we shared in that crummy apartment?" Ann begs of Neely. Why is she doing it? Because Teddi is "cheating on me." "You're going to turn him into the world's #1 stud," if she jumps, Lyon asks her. "Is he that good? Is he that good in the sack?" Lyon continues. That's the most ridiculous line of reasoning, but it seems to work. It gets Neely to accept a cup of coffee from Ann so Lyon and the rescue team can grab her.
"I really wanted to die and come back to see what everyone thought of it, like the dailies," Neely blubbers in the ambulance. Lyon and Ann take this seriously, but the cop on hand, if I'm not mistaken, is having trouble stifling a laugh.
A way-too-long sequence of scenes where the movie wants us to think there might be something between Henry and Ann ends with Lyon showing up at her apartment very jealous. "Move in with me," Ann suggests. "I want to make love to you, not do the dishes," Lyon answers, in his usual sexist way, though with this odd non-sequiter.
Remember Jennifer? You do? I had quite forgotten about her since it's been oodles of time since we last saw her in Paris with Vivienne, the artist with the severe haircut. She has heard the news about Neely and calls Ann to find out how she is. A painter friend of Vivienne's named Robaire (David Hess), wants to paint Jennifer too. "For a hundred francs an hour," Vivienne says, "that's what I pay her." "Ah, but you get extras," he points out, causing all eyes to look at the floor. Jennifer has the opportunity to buy more dolls, does, but doesn't take any. Instead, she returns to Vivienne to tell her, "I'm living a life that's not me" and announces she's moving out.
Typically, Lyon wants to get back to directing. "Without my work, I just don't feel alive," he tells her as a break-up line, in this, the first scene we've seen of Lyon and Ann since they declared their love for each other. Lyon hasn't made a lick of sense since his first scene, so are we surprised?
His directing gig is in Paris, with Francoise (Britt Ekland) handling business affairs. Lyon makes a reference to taxes. "You should move to Europe, only poor people pay taxes here," Francoise says, apparently in the park of the script written before the events of 1789.
Neely arrives home from the hospital with three men in tow. He notes that he should have brought flowers. "Get some lilies, Teddi. For yourself. I've signed with Famous World Talent," Neely says confidently. Honey, if you signed with an agency named Famous World Talent, you have bigger problems than addiction! "Get out, Teddi. Your bags will be downstairs tomorrow," she says. "Teddi, you lose, split," one of her new agents warns. She then does a press conference at the Bellamy offices, back to her blonde hair. She's not upset about losing the role in Ann's movie because "it's too soon after my high wire act above Wilshire Boulevard," she notes, but apparently a music tour will be fine for her sanity.
Jennifer is still posing for Vivienne, who introduces her to Enid Marshall (Tricia O'Neill). Enid is an agent who wants her back in the states to do commercials. As for Ann, she's decided she wants to spend the night at Henry's, and does. Ewwwwww.
In Paris, Lyon and Francoise attend a fashion show (why? who the hell knows?) that is spoken entirely in English, and he sees Jennifer with her gal pals. He asks her to dinner, at a place where they pour wine out of miniature cannons. Jennifer goes through her tale of woe, making it clear she's no longer a) on drugs or b) with Vivienne. After spending a lot of the night with Lyon, she wakes him up to say she's going back to LA.
Enid takes Jennifer to meet cosmetics mogul Kevin Gilmore (Gary Collins), who can't get enough of Jennifer. "We've been testing your photos all over America and what we've come up with is, despite your looks, women all over America love you!" he tells her. Okay, I guess that's a compliment. He wants her to model cosmetics, to be the "Now Woman." What follows is, of course, a montage of Jennifer's cheesecake shots for the cosmetics. If Veronica Hamel weren't so stunning, it would probably be laughable. While becoming a success, she starts seeing Kevin, who teaches her to fish. "You mean, I have the pleasure or re-opening your beach house?" she asks. "Re-opening my life," he replies, as he's been alone since his wife died. He tells her that happy story with a roaring fire. Not only was the wife sick, but apparently a horrible person as she was dying. "Too bad you never had any children, you'd still have a part of her," Jennifer lovingly coos, obviously thinking of her own situation. She's finally found a man who doesn't love her just for her looks and that makes her happy, though you couldn't real tell from the wooden acting what it is Kevin really feels.
Well, unfortunately, Neely has started hitting the dolls and booze again and the tour is suffering. "You want me to function, right? I just need a little help," she tells a worried Ann. Neely says she's bored talking about herself (that's news), so what about Ann? Does she think about Lyon? "I try not to," she says. Lyon's new movie, his second made in the blink of an eye, is a giant hit, and Francoise has a new movie lined up for him, but he wants to go back to LA so he can not only director, but write, his new movie.
It turns out that Henry and Kevin are old friends, so they take their women to lunch, but Ann notices something isn't quite right with Jennifer, so it's time for an emergency trip to the powder room, ladies only. Ann wants her to see a doctor, and she agrees. "Make it in the morning. I have a photo session in the afternoon," Jennifer tells her. In the middle of her shoot, Jennifer get an important call telling her to rush back to the doctor, to "something called an Oncologist...it means a specialist in tumors," Jennifer tells Ann. The rather diffident doctor diagnoses breast cancer, which has spread into her body. "You're telling me, I'm dying?" "Once again," says the doctor nastily, explaining that it's not hopeless, but it's not looking too good unless she does aggressive treatment, starting with a double mastectomy. The bitchy doctor has one negative thing after another to tell Jennifer, who asks if she can have children. "To even think about children at this point is completely unrealistic," the doctor replies, with all the warmth of an Alaskan nun.
"I'll do whatever I have to do, not here, not LA," Jennifer finally agrees, picking New York City so Kevin won't know. She doesn't want him to know anything because of how he lost his first wife. "I'll write you a prescription for some tranquilizers," is the doctor's end line. Yippee, more dolls!
Jennifer lies to Kevin, at first, but he's figured out she's sick because her answering service called his answering service. So, she tells him the truth, but tells him, "I won't put you through that again." He loves her too much to let her go and insists they will get married that weekend, "even if it's in the hospital...and we can adopt a couple of children." It all seems so perfect until she wakes up that night, sees Kevin crying outside and comes up with a new plan. One that involves a whole bottle of dolls. Finding her dead is a sure way to make Kevin feel better!
Not only is Jennifer North the most sympathetic character in "Valley of the Dolls," but Veronica Hamel gives the movie's best performance, so spending the final hour without her is going to be pretty damn painful. Missing Gary Collins? Not so much.
Neely insists on performing that night, but Ann is asked to be there because "she's been acting really weird lately." Poor Ann, always there to hold everyone's hands. The concert gives us another chance for a Lisa Hartman song. The arena looks like it seats 74 comfortably, and not two of them can clap in time with another. Neely starts off with a ballad, but it soon turns into a up-tempo song where she gets to smile and snap her hair back and forth a lot. If she's dedicating this to Jennifer, no thanks! Ah, that's not the dedication song. Neely stops the show to mention Jennifer's death and THEN dedicates a song to her (killing more time through bad singing). At least this one is a ballad, but after just a verse, she is too upset to finish and dashes off the stage. Ann wants to stay and help Neely, who wants to be alone and promises to call her in the morning.
Alone in her dressing room, Neely hears voices saying "they are going to kill you," so she bolts to the stage, where finally she allows herself to be taken to the hospital. The funky camera angles and running make-up tell us she's fully crazy, fully hooked on dolls. Things get worse at the hospital, where she is in a full "amphetamine psychosis" and runs around the halls like a lunatic. This can mean only one thing, a trip to the Betty Ford Cen...some fancy rehab in Southern California that caters to the rich and famous. Getting there, a clearly disturbed Neely asks Ann, "is Jen going to join us?" "No, honey, she can't," Ann says sympathetically.
Ann's co-worker sets her up to go on a lunch date with Lyon by telling her he's a writer with his first script and she needs to meet him. Ann actually likes the script idea, about a girl from Kansas with problems, aka "The Neely O'Hara Story" in a nutshell. He also apologizes to her. "I'm still in love with you," is supposed to cover all of his nonsense. Pig that he is, he says, "what I'd like to try is to make a commitment, a real commitment." Try?
"Henry, Lyon and I were married last night in Las Vegas," Ann tells Henry, who has been courting Ann for "nearly a year now." He's understandably upset, mainly because he doesn't think Lyon is good enough. Ann's reply? "I still believe in love. And if you love someone, you marry him," she snaps, proof that Lyon's 60s mentality has rubbed off on her big time.
I guess the news has shocked Henry worse than expected, because he has a heart attack that very day! Ann calls Lyon to tell him she has to stay at the office "to make contingency plans." When she gets home, the King and Queen of Selfishville have a whopper of a conversation. "Why did this have to happen right after I told him about us?" she asks. "Coincidence?" he answers, seriously. King tells Queen that she's expected to run the office because Henry has "groomed her for it," which lights her up. King then thinks of himself, being alone without her so many hours, noting, "I won't have an excuse not to finish the script." These two get worse and worse with every scene! Lyon has always been unbearable, but Ann used to have her good moments.
In rehab, where "this is no such thing as instant therapy," according to a doctor, Neely is actually the sanest of the bunch. There's a woman who tells her "if I leave here, they'll kill me." "Who?" "The Russians." Um, yeah. Neely wisely chooses to worry about the fact that she's lost the ability to sing.
Ann and Lyon have many reasons to celebrate. He has finished the script and she's been promoted to "run the production end of the film division." Lyon claims to be very proud of her and also claims that he'll be fine with her increased workload. Even better for him, she's already negotiated a contract for the rights to his movie, provided Neely stars in it (in her own story?). Neely is still in rehab, but she has her voice back. Apparently it was all in her mind, explains the doctor, or some man in a white coat pretending to be a doctor, because his explanation isn't based at all in medical science. There's no denying she has her voice back, because she's giving her fellow patients an impromptu concert, belting out another rock song to an audience who can't clap well (okay, it's a sanitarium, they have an excise). She pulls up one of the men from the crowd and it's...
...Tony! Yup, 163 hours later, we meet Tony again. He's in the institution withering away, just like Miriam promised he would be. He's something of a zombie, and doesn't recognize Lyon or Ann. The unhelpful doctor, who discloses Tony's condition willingly to Lyon and Ann, suggests it's time for a nap and takes him away so Ann and Lyon can talk to Neely about the movie. Neely thinks she only needs "a month or two" more of rehab, and Lyon is just fine with that. Is he starting to care about someone else?
Out on her own, Neely is assured by Lyon that "you are going to be wonderful" and that he will protect her during the filming process. Is she worried about going back to Kansas to shoot? Nah, she's okay with it, now that she's clean. Ann will not be attending because she's too busy at the office, Lyon says rather nastily (good, his selfishness is back). There's a great deal of tension between husband and wife at the office where she has to make sure the business end of the movie is okay, butting heads with his creative needs. Actually, Ann tries to smooth things over, but Lyon is too focused on himself to work on the marriage.
The rushes from Neely's picture impress everyone (except me, to whom it seems just plain badly acted), and Ann puts in a call to Lyon on set in Kansas. He's busy in a bar pumping up Neely's ego. "You always made me feel like someone special," she tells him, apparently not realizing that he's thinking more of her body than her psyche. When he invites her into his motel room, she begins to understand, but she goes anyway. He gets the message from Ann, but declines to call her back. Not thinking of Neely's issues, he offers her cognac, but she remembers them before falling into his arms for big kissing.
When Lyon returns home, Ann greets him with, "I missed the hell out of you." "Sometimes I forget how lovely you really are," he says. That's a troubling line, but she doesn't catch it. It's not until she's watching the dailies that she hears about "the special coaching" Neely is getting, "eight hours of rehearsal every night," according to others in the room. Ann storms out to "think about it," but loyal Henry is "here if you need me."
She rushes to the location where they are shooting, barges into Neely's trailer and finds Neely and her husband kissing. "Oh, Ann, I'm sorry," Neely pouts before ditching the trailer. Why is he sleeping with her? He has a few choice reasons:
"Part of it's the work, you put people together..."
"Neely needs to feel love"
"Part of it's us. Your work. You don't seem to need anything these days."
The first makes no sense, the second is a cop-out and the third finally gets to some truth. Ann realizes that and goes for the kill. "Aren't we really talking about what you need, Lyon?" she asks, apparently unaware that for the last four hours, that's all they've talked about. "My career threatens your masculinity, it always has. It didn't have to, that's what's so sad." Bingo, she's finally gotten it! "I'm good with film. I'm not good with commitment. I do love you and I wish you would give this another shot," he says, turning from anger to guilt in one sentence. "You finish your picture and then get out of my life," Ann says, making the right decision. Ann can't hate Neely, and in fact reassures her that they are fine and nothing can hinder her continued recovery. "We're friends and we're always going to be friends. That's a deal." Wow, that's one forgiving friend!
"Well, that's done," Lyon tells Neely. "I'd like to see you after we finish," he also says, as if the last scene didn't happen! What a cad! Is there no limit to this character's corrosive selfishness? "As far as we're concerned, it's a wrap," Neely tells him, which would be a decent line to throw in his face if she wasn't crying. It just seems cheesy delivered that way.
Dionne and her song are back, which cues the end of the movie. Ann strides to her car, where she forces us to watch a flashback of Ann and Tony's Greatest Moments before driving off. That's not quite the end Jacqueline Susann had in mind, but it is a happy ending, of sorts.
The miniseries movement was not above remakes, but "Valley of the Dolls" was an odd choice. There was no way to remake the original movie or even the Susann novel because that time had long passed. So, someone had the bright idea to modernize it. Not bright, bad. The gasps it elicited in the 1960s were the gasps of the coming sexual revolution, of the Women's Liberation movement, of paperbacks that could only be sold in certain stores. In 1981, what's to gasp about? Only a new angle on the story could have made this work, and there is no possible new angle. So, we're left with a cartoonish story, vapid acting (except for Veronica Hamel and Jean Simmons, who do their best with what they have) and a script that tries way too hard to make itself seem important. It's not, with the exception of a few lines. By 1981, "Valley of the Dolls" was simply another insider's look at Hollywood, which was nothing new.
But alas, we're not here to discuss the 1967 "Valley of the Dolls" (though if you would like to, let me know, because I can go on for hours and hours), but the 1981 remake, which added the author's name to the official title though she was already dead. This remake resets the piece in 1981, which automatically knocks out any chance of figuring out which characters in the original were based on celebrities (Is Neely Judy Garland? Is Helen Ethel Merman?), and let's face it, 1981 was not nearly as deliciously cheesy a time as 1967. But, a bit more faithful to the Susann novel than the original movie (at least until the half an hour or so), this remake, which spawned a very brief television series, certainly has its goofy charms as well. It tries very hard to create some classic lines of its own, but none of them compare.
Because of Patty Duke's immortal performance, the presence of Susan Hayward and the tragedy that would befall Sharon Tate only a few years later, people tend to think of the original as having an A-List cast, but that's anything but true (how's life today, Barbara Parkins?). So, this remake gets by with a B-Level cast just the same, though none of them are in any danger of stepping over the line into immortality from this piece of nonsense.
Before jumping in, let's give credit where it's due. Well, credit and blame. The original novel "Valley of the Dolls" was a gigantic sensation in its time. Partially due to Susann's willingness to play her part nationwide, sales of the book skyrocketed and trashy literature had a new heroine. It was "Peyton Place" but twenty times dirtier and more fascinating because of it. So, of course it had to be a movie. And of course Susann had to write more books in this vein before dying tragically young(ish).
And that folks, is the central problem with the 1981 "Valley of the Dolls." Nearly two decades of familiarity, a movie version and a sexual revolution later, the actions of the characters and their sexual liberties seem almost tame here. Why do it at all? With Mr. Susann, Irving Mansfield as an executive producer, I suppose we have our answer.
Note: because the characters in "Valley of the Dolls" are so well-known, I'm going to use character names here.
The first thing to notice is a song by Dionne Warwick, who sang the title song in the original, but it's not that song, just some pale imitation called "What Became of Me?" by no less than Sammy Cahn of all people. That sets the tone for the next four hours, pale imitation.
Forget New York City and Broadway, by 1981, the were as decaying as Helen Lawson's career. For 1981, it's all about Los Angeles and Hollywood. Ann Welles (Catherine Hicks) has graduated from a legal secretary to a full-fledged lawyer, though still for an entertainment agency. Ann is still somewhat mousy to start, wearing a suit that she tells a co-worker "I sewed when I was 16," an outfit that is so buttoned up and free of skin it could be worn by a nun.
Ann has to work on some contracts to please superstar and notorious bitch Helen Lawson (slumming Jean Simmons). We first encounter Helen in a screening room watching a terrifically awful movie musical number performed by Tony Polar (Bert Convy) to Jennifer North (Veronica Hamel). "Damn her! I want her out. I want her out of the picture!" Helen screams, going into the projection room, knocking the movie off the projector. As she trashes the room, she berates the poor nobody editor with lines like, "didn't anyone ever tell you 'Fanfare' is a Helen Lawson picture?" The movie's director Lyon Burke (David Birney) calms him down, telling him that she only rages because she's old and Jennifer is young and pretty. He then has to placate Helen, which he does, though she still wants Jennifer fired. "You've heard all those rumors about her doing pornos," is her rationalization, though she's also jealous because she assumes Lyon is sleeping with Jennifer. "You get rid of that tramp or I'll put everyone connected with this film on welfare," Helen rails before storming out. The lines are a hoot, but it's Jean Simmons, drawing on decades of experience, who makes them work. Unlike Susan Hayward, who played every role as a "broad," it doesn't come as naturally to Jean, making it all the more impressive.
The head of the law firm is Henry Bellamy (James Coburn), who has gone over the Helen Lawson contract and found out that Helen holds all the cards. To make sure we understand just how important Henry is, their meeting is interrupted by a call from Rome, from Carlo. Do we need to ask Carlo who? (Ponti, we assume). Ann admires Henry's artwork and Henry is quite taken with her, inviting her to lunch, you know, to discuss business.
On the movie set, Lyon is shooting a scene with Tony and Jennifer, though Tony is both unable to ride a bike and remember lines. "It's okay," Lyon says, the only director in history to be calmer than anyone else on the shoot. He pulls Jennifer aside to tell her to cue him, and Jennifer takes the opportunity to make sure Lyon won't fire her at Helen's insistence. When she returns to help Tony, all he can do is ask her out on a date.
That night, Tony picks Jennifer up, but she won't get in the car until he opens the door. "I never let superstars take me for granted," she jokes. They take a ride around the Hollywood Hills, bonding over shared experiences of childhood poverty (via one-liners). He takes her back to his house, where she's on guard. When she asks him if he's ever been in love, he replies, "not until now." That's her cue to pull away. "I want to be more than a one-night stand," she says, assuming she's just another notch on the bedpost, but Tony assures her, "you mean much more to me than that."
Lyon meets with Henry and Ann, the only woman he so far hasn't charmed and promised to call, where Ann summarizes their position with Helen: $5million at stake. Lyon wants to fire her and recast, but Henry refuses. She's the star. Lyon also will not fire Jennifer, threatening to quit if it comes to that. "I suppose it's time to stop catering to her," Henry says of Helen and then decides to talk about casting another role, another one that has enraged Helen.
It's at this point that Lyon notices Ann and invites her out for a drink. Instead, Ann suggests going to a showcase where her roommate Neely O'Hara (Lisa Hartman) is performing because Ann thinks she would be perfect for the role in the movie. This gives Neely an opportunity to tear into a truly awful rock song that shows off absolutely no talent at all, but somehow Lyon is bewitched. I'm not sure what the plot of the movie is, but the number we've seen so far (Tony's with Jennifer) was an old-time type and Neely sings rock. "You're not supposed to be able to find talent like that anymore, right? Wrong!" Lyon tells Ann after agreeing to give Neely a vocal and screen test. No, Lyon, you should never have to find "talent" like that. For some reason, this has Lyon going glassy-eyed and talking about the serious types of movies he wants to make. And that is followed by him inviting Ann back to his house, saying he's forward because he has no times for games. "Sorry Lyon, no games, no score," says out Miss Priss.
So much ground is covered in that scene, it's amazing, especially because it's handled so ineptly!
Anyway, at 6am the next morning, Neely is laying down her vocal track. She has a lot of trouble and she's very nervous, though Lyon has an infinite amount of patience, as usual.. Cue the first "doll." Neely downs a pill to perk her up and suddenly she can perform the song perfectly (or perfectly badly, if you are on the outside of the movie). The screen test is done with Neely dressed like a Mandrell sister. It takes ten days, but Neely gets the part. Ann has known, so she has a bottle of champagne ready to celebrate and Lyon himself shows up at their apartment to drop off the script...and to invite Ann out on a second date.
They stay in, where now it's Ann's turn to go glassy-eyed and tell her life story in a bland monologue. Lyon plays less attention than I did, only wanting to kiss her, which he does, of course.
Get ready folks, it's Neely's first day on the set. She's so nervous that someone offers her "a little help...to take the edge off." More Tic Tacs, I mean dolls. Remember when I said I didn't know what "Fanfare" was about? And remember when I told you to get ready? On the first, I'm more confused than ever and on the second, you better make sure you're prepared. Neely's first day on the set is as the leader of an elaborate production number where she and a bunch of girls come off a cruise ship in cheerleader outfits dong choreography so ridiculous it looks like it was lifted from the Village People's "Can't Stop the Music." Neely wears hot pants to distinguish her from the rest of the girls. Amazingly, her first take is perfect.
Also on the set are Tony and Jennifer, having a giggle over a terrible meal she made. Cue Miriam (Broadway legend Carol Lawrence), Tony's controlling sister, who snorts to Jennifer, "I saw your centerfold...do you do that sort of thing often?" The conversation is a catfight waiting to happen, but Jennifer retains the upper hand. Miriam warns Tony not to "get involved," but Tony tells her, "you manage my business affairs" and he'll take care of Jennifer.
In her most efficient demeanor, Ann goes to Helen's trailer to suspend her, and Helen is outraged, though Ann manages to chide her for her behavior because she is "someone I've loved all of my life." Idol worship has to be put on hold as Helen hears more of Neely's production number being shot and storms out. This part takes on the second story of a double decker bus with the band dressed in sailor outfits. Why? Beats the hell out of me! Helen gets even angrier because "that's my song!" "Not anymore," Lyon says, informing her that the picture is being reshot around the younger cast. "What's my next shot?" a defeated Helen asks, even taking a moment to thank Ann for her harsh words.
Because of the way Ann has handled Helen, Henry buys her a painting and puts her in charge of everything regarding "Fanfare" while he's out of town. "Beware of Lyon. He has a way of devouring baby moguls," a phrase Ann had just coined for people so young in the business who rise so high. This means she has to be on the set all the time. She invades the pastries, but Neely doesn't because she's busy popping pills. When Henry calls to inform Lyon that they have decided to give Neely two extra numbers (musicals by 1981 barely had two, let alone two extra!), he also talks to Ann, who is so super smart about everything she knows exactly how much money it costs every time Tony can't remember his lines.
Anyone in screenwriting classes should take notes on a scene between Tony and Jennifer, because it's everything one should not do in constructing a scene. Jennifer, emerging from the pool, somehow gets to the subject of children and Tony says he loves them, but never thought about having any. "Are you trying to tell me something?" he asks. "No," she says. She takes five steps. "Not really," she says. Pours lemonade. "Well, think about it," she says. Giving himself nearly a full minute to ham it up, Bert-as-Tony registers about 15 facial expressions and slowly walks over to Jennifer to ask if she's pregnant. She's "not sure," but wants to prepare him so he can prepare Miriam. The scene should have taken 10 seconds, not 10 years.
It's been decided to do an all-out "media blitz" on Neely and turn her into a star in five minutes. In order to act, record, model, pose and live through it all, Neely needs more and more dolls. She's so wired that her faithful Teddi Casablana (Steve Inwood), who presumably is still "not a fag" in the immortal words of 1967, gives her dolls to sleep. "We're streetfighters, you and me...we're going to show this town who we really are," Teddi tells her, for reasons I can't comprehend because there has been no establishment of his character or who the hell he even is! "Teddi, love me," Neely says as she pulls him close to her.
Steel yourselves, it's time for a Jean Simmons number. No, not Gene Simmons, Jean Simmons. Only because Margaret Whiting handled the vocals and a mobile pulled concentration away from her, was Susan Hayward able to pull off "I'll Plant My Own Tree" in the original movie version. Jean is not so lucky. Stuck on a sound stage that looks like the old set of "Hollywood Palace," on a block with a band around her, poor Jean is drenched in a red dress so voluminous it must have come from "Gone With the Wind," she lip syncs to someone who is definitely no Margaret Whiting. Thankfully, it soon turns into a duet with Tony, and since Bert Convy can actually sing, he melds with her ghost vocalist better than when said vocalist sings solo. I ask again the question of "what the hell is this movie about?" The two are dressed for something from the 50s, though the song sounds like vintage 70s Carpenters. When that scene is done, the movie is officially full shot and since the sound stage is so enormous, it can be used for the wrap party.
Helen asks Henry if he indeed would have canceled the picture if she hasn't "backed down on Jennifer North." Absolutely he would have. "Ann did a good job of bluffing me down, but it's nice to know I still have some clout," she says wistfully. You want to rethink that, Helen? Whatever this movie is about, it ain't gonna be good! Jennifer informs Tony she's pregnant and he goes to the microphone to announce his engagement to Jennifer. Even Helen claps at this news, though Miriam is is pissed. "When you have a moment, meet me in your dressing room. It's urgent. And don't tell Tony," she hisses at Jennifer. Before she can go, she has to accept congratulations from Ann and Neely, while everyone else spreads good cheer to Tony.
Lyon gets a call from Paris, telling him his new art film there is a go, but the call actually sounds like it's from 1967, because Lyon tells Ann she's coming with him, but she has her job in LA. "Is that suddenly more important than us?" he asks. "Either come with me or forget about it," he snaps when she offers to take long weekends in Paris. She says no and he walks out.
Now what is so urgent that Miriam had to drag Jennifer away from the party? "I don't dislike you, Jennifer, I never did...now I think you really care," Miriam says, and then makes Jennifer promise to keep this conversation a secret. "There is no easy way to say this," she starts. It seems that Tony's father (not hers, FYI), "died in the back ward of a mental hospital, a vegetable." Ouch! Tony was only four and given a lot of tests, only to find out he was born "with a death sentence over him...he was going to die the same way his father did." Mugging to the back row of the balcony and lays out some fancy medical terms that essentially add up to the fact that Tony is soon to be a goner. She has the paperwork to prove it. "He's going to die. He's dying right now. Only first he's going to become a helpless child, only it won't be in the back ward of a mental hospital. I've already picked the best sanitarium there is. There only thing I can hope is that he doesn't know what is happening to him," Miriam dramatically tells Jennifer, who dissolves into tears of her own. Jennifer asks what will happen if she has a child, and of course Miriam says it's not at all possible. Uh oh.
Tony has been making plans in Jennifer's absence, culminating in a desire to fly to Rome the next day to get married. Jennifer wants a drink first. Is that okay, wonders Tony? She assures him it is. I think at this point, Jennifer is no longer worried about the health of her never-to-be-born fetus, and a glass of wine won't make things any worse. In fact, she tells him that she would like to go on a very very long honeymoon together and a baby would be in the way. "Let's put off having this baby," she says, to which Tony angrily replies, "you want to kill it?" She makes it sound like she wants a few years of alone time with him before they settle into family life. "After we kill our child, we can have a ball. We can celebrate!" Tony snarls. "Are you just a lousy ambitious actress on the make?" he fumes, asking her if she's just been using him until the picture ended? "I can't go through with it, Tony, I can't," she says simply. "I'm going on the concert tour and you can go tot hell," he says before storming out. This is 1981 and not 1967, so Jennifer can have an abortion free, clear and legally.
Jennifer then goes to Paris when she buys her own dolls at a news stand. She becomes an addicted mess very quickly in a rat trap of an apartment (though with strong windows because closing just one mutes all the tolling bells of the city) which she can't pay for.
Neely becomes an overnight sensation, the kind that is mobbed by fans when she tries to walk down Hollywood Boulevard (you know, where all the fans hang out and thus stars are bound to be mobbed). A fan puts a sticker saying "I Love Neely" over Helen Lawson's billing on a poster for "Fanfare." She and Teddi fight over her career. He feels Ann and Henry have stymied it by controlling it so tightly, and she won't fight them.
As for Ann, she's on her way up as well. She has bought a best-seller to turn into a movie...no, a musical for Neely, and she's reminded that "there is a great part in it for Jennifer," though no one has heard from her. Ann has scads of men leaving her messages proposing dates, but she ignores them all. She misses Lyon.
In a seedy Parisian bar, a blond woman with a severe haircut and big shoulder pads buys Jennifer a drink, saying she's an artist. "I've been watching you for some minutes and I can tell you are a very unhappy woman," Vivienne (Camille Spary) opines. She invites Jennifer to her studio for some wine. "Why not?" Jennifer tartly replies. Anything for free booze. Vivienne offers Jennifer a modeling job, and Jennifer collapses, not having eaten since she started on the dolls. Vivienne offers to help her. "You need someone. You shouldn't be alone," she says. Remember, folks, what a severe haircut meant in 1981.
Guess who is nominated for Best Supporting Actress? Neely! Yup, word comes via telegram (apparently also from 1967). Oh, what award is this? I have no idea, no one actually says. It can't be an Oscar, because that would be a trademark violation, and last I checked, they didn't send nominees telegrams ahead of the announcement. Guess who is not nominated for Best Actress? Helen, and Ann feels sorry for her. "This started out as a Helen Lawson picture," she whines to Henry and then asks him, "could you arrange for one of those Lifetime Achievement Awards" for Helen. He can arrange that, no problem. This definitely isn't the Oscars. They discuss Lyon's time in Paris, where apparently he's already made his movie and it tanked. That was quick!
It's the night of the awards and Army Archerd is playing himself on the red carpet. He interviews Helen first. Does she think Neely will win? "Oh, I'm rooting for her," she says with a recognizable sneer. He has to be fed the name of Tony's date. When Neely shows up, whoever designed the costumes for this movie should be shot. Starting with the tightly braided hair, it's a mess from top to bottom (hey, it's an awards show, we're allowed to judge the outfits). Teddi doesn't let her answer anything, doing it himself. Ann and Henry come together and Lyon jumps out from the crowd to greet them.
"Look at that hair!" Henry says, supposedly lovingly, when Neely is announced as the winner and kisses everyone in the cast on her way up. Everyone except for Helen, that is. Helen is backstage wearing a giant frown and puffing on a cigarette, unhappily watching on a monitor.
The fur flies backstage. "Those pills must have affected your mind, you thanked everyone but the star of the picture," Helen snaps. "I thanked everyone who helped me," Neely retorts. "You look like a porcupine in heat," Helen notices (and she's right). "You're a hag...has-been of the year," Neely says when Nathan Lane, of all people, playing a stage hand, tries to get Helen onto the stage. Helen gives Neely a resounding slap across the face and is then help by two women, but soon escapes in time to pull off Helen's wig to reveal her natural gray hair just as Helen's name is announced on stage.
Neely takes the wig and holds it over a toilet so Helen can see it, dropping it down and chirping, "go get it, Miss Lawson," as she flushes. Nathan Lane is about to have a heart attack in his attempt to get Helen on, and she finally decides to go with her gray hair (which is a really bad wig--you can see the wig line!). She's a pro, strutting out on stage and accepting the award with a joke about her hair and noting that she's in good company getting this award, with Helen Hayes and Laurence Olivier. And then she tops it all by saying that, "when I was very young, I had a walk-on in a movie about Mary, Queen of Scots" who famously died wearing a wig, covering gray hair. "I'm glad I showed you mine while we still have time to get to know each other," Helen says to a rapturous crowd and strides off stage a self-possessed veteran. Take that, you newcomer swine, Neely O'Hara!
At a celebratory lunch, Teddi fires away at Henry and Ann. "I'm serving notice right now...unless you are prepared to renegotiate," he warns. Henry and Ann agree, but then Henry says that "everything is negotiable except her hair," cutting Teddi down to his first job as a hair stylist. "The amateurs have a tendency to bring everybody down to their level," Henry snarls, "and in this case, that's intolerable." He storms out and then Teddi storms out, so Neely has to run after him. "That's baby's in trouble. She's far down the road," Lyon notes to Ann, who has worked her addiction into the shooting schedule. Lyon wants to direct the picture and Ann, wearing the same color as the booth and therefore blending into it, won't give him a firm yes or no on that.
Neely passes out during a recording session and awakes to find Teddi gone. She follows him to a bar where he's canoodling with another woman. Neely throws a drink in the woman's face and slaps Teddi. "You pig, you slob," Teddi spits out, "you make me sick. You disgust me." Neely falls up against a parked car, in her tight Spandex pants and then drives away, deprived of the howler of a monologue Patty Duke got around this time in the original version. Instead, she gets a trip in an elevator where she pushes all the buttons and cries. She heads to the roof, tries to get some dolls and accidentally drops them over.
Henry gets the news first and calls Ann, but Lyon picks up and refuses to let Ann have the phone for no apparent reason but to be macho and waste a few moments. When Ann and company arrive, Neely is still on the roof and the reporters are watching from below. "Is there anyway we can help?" Lyon asks a policeman? "Hey, maybe!" he says and lets Lyon and Ann up to the roof. Teddi is stopped by a reporter who has one question: "why?" He blames Henry and the "exclusive contract." When Teddi tries to go up, they won't let him.
Instead, Ann and Lyon are harnessed and sent to the edge to help her. Uh huh, right! Because both of them are such great negotiators. "Don't you remember all the dreaming we shared in that crummy apartment?" Ann begs of Neely. Why is she doing it? Because Teddi is "cheating on me." "You're going to turn him into the world's #1 stud," if she jumps, Lyon asks her. "Is he that good? Is he that good in the sack?" Lyon continues. That's the most ridiculous line of reasoning, but it seems to work. It gets Neely to accept a cup of coffee from Ann so Lyon and the rescue team can grab her.
"I really wanted to die and come back to see what everyone thought of it, like the dailies," Neely blubbers in the ambulance. Lyon and Ann take this seriously, but the cop on hand, if I'm not mistaken, is having trouble stifling a laugh.
A way-too-long sequence of scenes where the movie wants us to think there might be something between Henry and Ann ends with Lyon showing up at her apartment very jealous. "Move in with me," Ann suggests. "I want to make love to you, not do the dishes," Lyon answers, in his usual sexist way, though with this odd non-sequiter.
Remember Jennifer? You do? I had quite forgotten about her since it's been oodles of time since we last saw her in Paris with Vivienne, the artist with the severe haircut. She has heard the news about Neely and calls Ann to find out how she is. A painter friend of Vivienne's named Robaire (David Hess), wants to paint Jennifer too. "For a hundred francs an hour," Vivienne says, "that's what I pay her." "Ah, but you get extras," he points out, causing all eyes to look at the floor. Jennifer has the opportunity to buy more dolls, does, but doesn't take any. Instead, she returns to Vivienne to tell her, "I'm living a life that's not me" and announces she's moving out.
Typically, Lyon wants to get back to directing. "Without my work, I just don't feel alive," he tells her as a break-up line, in this, the first scene we've seen of Lyon and Ann since they declared their love for each other. Lyon hasn't made a lick of sense since his first scene, so are we surprised?
His directing gig is in Paris, with Francoise (Britt Ekland) handling business affairs. Lyon makes a reference to taxes. "You should move to Europe, only poor people pay taxes here," Francoise says, apparently in the park of the script written before the events of 1789.
Neely arrives home from the hospital with three men in tow. He notes that he should have brought flowers. "Get some lilies, Teddi. For yourself. I've signed with Famous World Talent," Neely says confidently. Honey, if you signed with an agency named Famous World Talent, you have bigger problems than addiction! "Get out, Teddi. Your bags will be downstairs tomorrow," she says. "Teddi, you lose, split," one of her new agents warns. She then does a press conference at the Bellamy offices, back to her blonde hair. She's not upset about losing the role in Ann's movie because "it's too soon after my high wire act above Wilshire Boulevard," she notes, but apparently a music tour will be fine for her sanity.
Jennifer is still posing for Vivienne, who introduces her to Enid Marshall (Tricia O'Neill). Enid is an agent who wants her back in the states to do commercials. As for Ann, she's decided she wants to spend the night at Henry's, and does. Ewwwwww.
In Paris, Lyon and Francoise attend a fashion show (why? who the hell knows?) that is spoken entirely in English, and he sees Jennifer with her gal pals. He asks her to dinner, at a place where they pour wine out of miniature cannons. Jennifer goes through her tale of woe, making it clear she's no longer a) on drugs or b) with Vivienne. After spending a lot of the night with Lyon, she wakes him up to say she's going back to LA.
Enid takes Jennifer to meet cosmetics mogul Kevin Gilmore (Gary Collins), who can't get enough of Jennifer. "We've been testing your photos all over America and what we've come up with is, despite your looks, women all over America love you!" he tells her. Okay, I guess that's a compliment. He wants her to model cosmetics, to be the "Now Woman." What follows is, of course, a montage of Jennifer's cheesecake shots for the cosmetics. If Veronica Hamel weren't so stunning, it would probably be laughable. While becoming a success, she starts seeing Kevin, who teaches her to fish. "You mean, I have the pleasure or re-opening your beach house?" she asks. "Re-opening my life," he replies, as he's been alone since his wife died. He tells her that happy story with a roaring fire. Not only was the wife sick, but apparently a horrible person as she was dying. "Too bad you never had any children, you'd still have a part of her," Jennifer lovingly coos, obviously thinking of her own situation. She's finally found a man who doesn't love her just for her looks and that makes her happy, though you couldn't real tell from the wooden acting what it is Kevin really feels.
Well, unfortunately, Neely has started hitting the dolls and booze again and the tour is suffering. "You want me to function, right? I just need a little help," she tells a worried Ann. Neely says she's bored talking about herself (that's news), so what about Ann? Does she think about Lyon? "I try not to," she says. Lyon's new movie, his second made in the blink of an eye, is a giant hit, and Francoise has a new movie lined up for him, but he wants to go back to LA so he can not only director, but write, his new movie.
It turns out that Henry and Kevin are old friends, so they take their women to lunch, but Ann notices something isn't quite right with Jennifer, so it's time for an emergency trip to the powder room, ladies only. Ann wants her to see a doctor, and she agrees. "Make it in the morning. I have a photo session in the afternoon," Jennifer tells her. In the middle of her shoot, Jennifer get an important call telling her to rush back to the doctor, to "something called an Oncologist...it means a specialist in tumors," Jennifer tells Ann. The rather diffident doctor diagnoses breast cancer, which has spread into her body. "You're telling me, I'm dying?" "Once again," says the doctor nastily, explaining that it's not hopeless, but it's not looking too good unless she does aggressive treatment, starting with a double mastectomy. The bitchy doctor has one negative thing after another to tell Jennifer, who asks if she can have children. "To even think about children at this point is completely unrealistic," the doctor replies, with all the warmth of an Alaskan nun.
"I'll do whatever I have to do, not here, not LA," Jennifer finally agrees, picking New York City so Kevin won't know. She doesn't want him to know anything because of how he lost his first wife. "I'll write you a prescription for some tranquilizers," is the doctor's end line. Yippee, more dolls!
Jennifer lies to Kevin, at first, but he's figured out she's sick because her answering service called his answering service. So, she tells him the truth, but tells him, "I won't put you through that again." He loves her too much to let her go and insists they will get married that weekend, "even if it's in the hospital...and we can adopt a couple of children." It all seems so perfect until she wakes up that night, sees Kevin crying outside and comes up with a new plan. One that involves a whole bottle of dolls. Finding her dead is a sure way to make Kevin feel better!
Not only is Jennifer North the most sympathetic character in "Valley of the Dolls," but Veronica Hamel gives the movie's best performance, so spending the final hour without her is going to be pretty damn painful. Missing Gary Collins? Not so much.
Neely insists on performing that night, but Ann is asked to be there because "she's been acting really weird lately." Poor Ann, always there to hold everyone's hands. The concert gives us another chance for a Lisa Hartman song. The arena looks like it seats 74 comfortably, and not two of them can clap in time with another. Neely starts off with a ballad, but it soon turns into a up-tempo song where she gets to smile and snap her hair back and forth a lot. If she's dedicating this to Jennifer, no thanks! Ah, that's not the dedication song. Neely stops the show to mention Jennifer's death and THEN dedicates a song to her (killing more time through bad singing). At least this one is a ballad, but after just a verse, she is too upset to finish and dashes off the stage. Ann wants to stay and help Neely, who wants to be alone and promises to call her in the morning.
Alone in her dressing room, Neely hears voices saying "they are going to kill you," so she bolts to the stage, where finally she allows herself to be taken to the hospital. The funky camera angles and running make-up tell us she's fully crazy, fully hooked on dolls. Things get worse at the hospital, where she is in a full "amphetamine psychosis" and runs around the halls like a lunatic. This can mean only one thing, a trip to the Betty Ford Cen...some fancy rehab in Southern California that caters to the rich and famous. Getting there, a clearly disturbed Neely asks Ann, "is Jen going to join us?" "No, honey, she can't," Ann says sympathetically.
Ann's co-worker sets her up to go on a lunch date with Lyon by telling her he's a writer with his first script and she needs to meet him. Ann actually likes the script idea, about a girl from Kansas with problems, aka "The Neely O'Hara Story" in a nutshell. He also apologizes to her. "I'm still in love with you," is supposed to cover all of his nonsense. Pig that he is, he says, "what I'd like to try is to make a commitment, a real commitment." Try?
"Henry, Lyon and I were married last night in Las Vegas," Ann tells Henry, who has been courting Ann for "nearly a year now." He's understandably upset, mainly because he doesn't think Lyon is good enough. Ann's reply? "I still believe in love. And if you love someone, you marry him," she snaps, proof that Lyon's 60s mentality has rubbed off on her big time.
I guess the news has shocked Henry worse than expected, because he has a heart attack that very day! Ann calls Lyon to tell him she has to stay at the office "to make contingency plans." When she gets home, the King and Queen of Selfishville have a whopper of a conversation. "Why did this have to happen right after I told him about us?" she asks. "Coincidence?" he answers, seriously. King tells Queen that she's expected to run the office because Henry has "groomed her for it," which lights her up. King then thinks of himself, being alone without her so many hours, noting, "I won't have an excuse not to finish the script." These two get worse and worse with every scene! Lyon has always been unbearable, but Ann used to have her good moments.
In rehab, where "this is no such thing as instant therapy," according to a doctor, Neely is actually the sanest of the bunch. There's a woman who tells her "if I leave here, they'll kill me." "Who?" "The Russians." Um, yeah. Neely wisely chooses to worry about the fact that she's lost the ability to sing.
Ann and Lyon have many reasons to celebrate. He has finished the script and she's been promoted to "run the production end of the film division." Lyon claims to be very proud of her and also claims that he'll be fine with her increased workload. Even better for him, she's already negotiated a contract for the rights to his movie, provided Neely stars in it (in her own story?). Neely is still in rehab, but she has her voice back. Apparently it was all in her mind, explains the doctor, or some man in a white coat pretending to be a doctor, because his explanation isn't based at all in medical science. There's no denying she has her voice back, because she's giving her fellow patients an impromptu concert, belting out another rock song to an audience who can't clap well (okay, it's a sanitarium, they have an excise). She pulls up one of the men from the crowd and it's...
...Tony! Yup, 163 hours later, we meet Tony again. He's in the institution withering away, just like Miriam promised he would be. He's something of a zombie, and doesn't recognize Lyon or Ann. The unhelpful doctor, who discloses Tony's condition willingly to Lyon and Ann, suggests it's time for a nap and takes him away so Ann and Lyon can talk to Neely about the movie. Neely thinks she only needs "a month or two" more of rehab, and Lyon is just fine with that. Is he starting to care about someone else?
Out on her own, Neely is assured by Lyon that "you are going to be wonderful" and that he will protect her during the filming process. Is she worried about going back to Kansas to shoot? Nah, she's okay with it, now that she's clean. Ann will not be attending because she's too busy at the office, Lyon says rather nastily (good, his selfishness is back). There's a great deal of tension between husband and wife at the office where she has to make sure the business end of the movie is okay, butting heads with his creative needs. Actually, Ann tries to smooth things over, but Lyon is too focused on himself to work on the marriage.
The rushes from Neely's picture impress everyone (except me, to whom it seems just plain badly acted), and Ann puts in a call to Lyon on set in Kansas. He's busy in a bar pumping up Neely's ego. "You always made me feel like someone special," she tells him, apparently not realizing that he's thinking more of her body than her psyche. When he invites her into his motel room, she begins to understand, but she goes anyway. He gets the message from Ann, but declines to call her back. Not thinking of Neely's issues, he offers her cognac, but she remembers them before falling into his arms for big kissing.
When Lyon returns home, Ann greets him with, "I missed the hell out of you." "Sometimes I forget how lovely you really are," he says. That's a troubling line, but she doesn't catch it. It's not until she's watching the dailies that she hears about "the special coaching" Neely is getting, "eight hours of rehearsal every night," according to others in the room. Ann storms out to "think about it," but loyal Henry is "here if you need me."
She rushes to the location where they are shooting, barges into Neely's trailer and finds Neely and her husband kissing. "Oh, Ann, I'm sorry," Neely pouts before ditching the trailer. Why is he sleeping with her? He has a few choice reasons:
"Part of it's the work, you put people together..."
"Neely needs to feel love"
"Part of it's us. Your work. You don't seem to need anything these days."
The first makes no sense, the second is a cop-out and the third finally gets to some truth. Ann realizes that and goes for the kill. "Aren't we really talking about what you need, Lyon?" she asks, apparently unaware that for the last four hours, that's all they've talked about. "My career threatens your masculinity, it always has. It didn't have to, that's what's so sad." Bingo, she's finally gotten it! "I'm good with film. I'm not good with commitment. I do love you and I wish you would give this another shot," he says, turning from anger to guilt in one sentence. "You finish your picture and then get out of my life," Ann says, making the right decision. Ann can't hate Neely, and in fact reassures her that they are fine and nothing can hinder her continued recovery. "We're friends and we're always going to be friends. That's a deal." Wow, that's one forgiving friend!
"Well, that's done," Lyon tells Neely. "I'd like to see you after we finish," he also says, as if the last scene didn't happen! What a cad! Is there no limit to this character's corrosive selfishness? "As far as we're concerned, it's a wrap," Neely tells him, which would be a decent line to throw in his face if she wasn't crying. It just seems cheesy delivered that way.
Dionne and her song are back, which cues the end of the movie. Ann strides to her car, where she forces us to watch a flashback of Ann and Tony's Greatest Moments before driving off. That's not quite the end Jacqueline Susann had in mind, but it is a happy ending, of sorts.
The miniseries movement was not above remakes, but "Valley of the Dolls" was an odd choice. There was no way to remake the original movie or even the Susann novel because that time had long passed. So, someone had the bright idea to modernize it. Not bright, bad. The gasps it elicited in the 1960s were the gasps of the coming sexual revolution, of the Women's Liberation movement, of paperbacks that could only be sold in certain stores. In 1981, what's to gasp about? Only a new angle on the story could have made this work, and there is no possible new angle. So, we're left with a cartoonish story, vapid acting (except for Veronica Hamel and Jean Simmons, who do their best with what they have) and a script that tries way too hard to make itself seem important. It's not, with the exception of a few lines. By 1981, "Valley of the Dolls" was simply another insider's look at Hollywood, which was nothing new.
The Deliberate Stranger (1986)
Television Golden Boy Mark Harmon (still golden in his golden years on "NCIS") plays serial killer Ted Bundy in "The Deliberate Stranger." Aired three years before Bundy's death, it does lack the finale we all know, but it is instead allowed to go into the details of the crimes much more deeply. I admit this miniseries has the same gene of exploitation of all true crime miniseries, but since Ted Bundy was anything but typical, there are some big, and very positive differences, in "The Deliberate Stranger."
Though the first half of the movie drags, the second half is so tense it acts like a sleek horror or mystery movie. Bundy's case is so utterly fascinating because Bundy was so unique, so full of sophisticated charm that he fooled people for so long, and even when caught, maintained a superiority complex that baffled everyone who came into contact with him. This gives Mark Harmon a lot to play with, leading an excellent cast of detectives and reporters on a nightmare ride.
The prologue starts us in the tradition of classic thrillers: a young woman is walking alone, then followed without realizing it. Her steps remain slow, but the man's get faster and faster until...he's grabbed her.
Just so we're clear, the miniseries is based on the book by reporter Richard Larsen, spanning the years 1974-1979 and it's not a celebration of Bundy, but rather of the men who chased and prosecuted him. This is actually stated, lest we dare make a hero out of Bundy. No, no. That kind of film would have to wait another 20 years or so.
When first encountered, Ted Bundy couldn't be more charming. Mark Harmon in his prime was a total hunk, an ideal choice to play the handsome and suave Bundy. He's about to go to law school full time in Utah and has a lovely girlfriend Cas (Glynnis O'Connor). At a party, he meets Richard Larsen (George Grizzard). They and the hosts trade witty banter as everyone tries to get Ted to stay in Seattle and continue his life there. "Sometimes the sight of Ted makes me a little wistful," Richard says, envying Ted's youth and possibilities.
Cas is worried because Ted might meet other women, and he can always win an argument with her, with his "psych major" mind, not to mention her raging insecurities. Then again, if you are going to argue with a handsome man in just a towel while he's shaving, you better have a damn good arsenal behind you.
Meanwhile, in this July of 1974, the police are trying to tie together a string of murders up and down the coast. "Some kind of nut is walking around with an alarm clock of madness in his head just ticking away," says Detective Sam Davies (M. Emmet Walsh). The movie cuts between the detectives rattling off all of the recent missing women and Ted smiling as he drives to make his latest kill. He spots a woman sunbathing alone and moves in, with a classic Bundy maneuver. Sporting a dazzling smile and a fake cast and sling, he asks her for help getting his sailboat from the car. "Flattery and a broken arm will get you just about..." she says, adding "anywhere" at the precise second he says it too, another occasion for that smile. They go to his car, where of course there is no sailboat. She notices it, wisely enough, but he says he has to get it from his parents' house, which scares her off. She mentions she has a husband and has to go back to wait for him. But, Ted isn't without another female for long. Last we see of her, she agrees to help and Ted returns to the park afterwards to make a second kill!
He's supposed to meet Cas and her daughter afterward, and he's awfully snappish when he does. Obviously not happy with the two women he's murdered, he is downright mean to Cas, who just wants to know if they are going out to dinner as planned. "Maybe," he says. "That's what I like about women," he adds sarcastically, "maybe means a lifelong promise."
Later that night, the second girl he abducted, from the bathroom, is still missing, and her friends are concerned. One has to even tell her mother, who breaks down hysterically with the knowledge only a mother could have that something is definitely wrong.
At another party with Richard present, Ted brings his two co-workers, one of whom, Martha (Deborah Goodrich) has just started that day. It's a Republican fundraiser, which shocks Martha. "You're just kind of like a JFK, so I just figured you were a Democrat," she chirps. He impresses her by saying he grew up wealthy and loves caviar, on top of keeping everyone important liking him. "What I wouldn't give to have his future," Richard says, to which Ken Wolverton (Lawrence Pressman) replies, "we'll always say 'we knew him when.'" Yeah, okay, we get it. After nearly 30 minutes, we get that Ted Bundy is sweet and lovable, attractive in so many ways to everyone he meets. Another fundraiser full of groaner lines like these and...well, I won't finish that sentence..
The woman who escaped Ted's clutches in the park sees a news report about one of the missing girls, whom she had seen go off with Ted. She remembers Ted's name and the color of the VW. This is a big break for the Detectives, including Bob Keppel (Frederic Forrest) and Robert Dunn (John Ashton). They have two more girls who have been lucky enough to escape from Ted and so many of the details are the same.
Cas reads about this in the newspaper and finds all of the products needed to make a fake cast, and as she's putting together the pieces, Ted calls. She rattles off another conversation full of her problems and he quiets her down, but when she hangs up, she calls the police and reports what she knows, but hangs up before giving too much information. I know that may sound corny, but "The Deliberate Stranger" aims to present the story in less of a documentary fashion and more as a thriller. That's exactly the kind of suspenseful moment that would be tucked into a thriller.
"Well, fellas, this Ted is leaving town," a cocky Bundy says to the television when he chuckles over news of the investigation. He then goes to say goodbye to Richard before leaving. Of course Richard is now becoming interested in the story of all the missing girls, so the timing is perfect. He also has to leave Cas, who won't let him sleep. First, she babbles about her family in Salt Lake City that "might try to convert you" to being a Mormon and then it's "is it because I didn't like it that time you wanted to..." before he kisses her to shut her up. Another tantalizing clue, especially because we find out that Cas and Ted don't have sex. He has very strong views on that subject, we find out. "Sex without love, all that naked grappling to me has all the appeal of watching Washington play San Jose in the cold rain of Husky Stadium," he notes as he assures Cas that he loves her. This finally quiets her, but now Ted is bug-eyed and alert.
Another stop before leaving his to his home, where he spends two seconds with his mother (Bonnie Bartlett). She seems like an okay enough lady, but clearly Ted has issues with her, though he hides them during the quick conversation and peck goodbye.
Off to Salt Lake City. His brother drove him there and Ted promises to return to Seattle soon for his car. "Wouldn't know what to do without my VW," he laughs. It's then that the police are discovering more corpses. Mrs. Rose (Rita Zohar), the hysterical mother from earlier, is determined to find out what happened to her daughter and follows the police to the scene of the body dump. They send her home, but soon the detectives are at her house asking for a piece of her hair. It turns out to be a match for Mrs. Rose's daughter. who knows what the police have to say before they can even knock on her door. The detectives, especially Keppel become obsessed with the case (to the point where his wife nags him for not paying her and their baby enough attention).
And the last point is an issue. The allure of the Ted Bundy case was Ted himself, so unbelievably clean-scrubbed and handsome, not what the world knew of serial killers, who had always tended to be social outcasts. Obviously a miniseries of Bundy killings one after another would not be possible (not to mention tedious and tasteless), but focusing on the detectives is just plain boring. Of course watching them put the pieces together as Ted keeps steps ahead of them is fun. It always is in these types of stories, but since the audience knows everything before the cops, this method of presentation cuts down on the suspense. If, perhaps, Ted were shown doing everything but killing, and the audience found the clues along with the detectives, the movie might not lose its spark so often. It has plenty of spark and thrill, but it also drags at times like these.
However, the detectives and their case are a whole lot more exciting than Cas. Every time she's on, it means another whiny breakdown. Yes, of course, she tells a co-worker, she's wondered if her Ted who drives a VW is the killer Ted who drives a VW, but she's so low on self-esteem that she's afraid to lose Ted's validating love. Blah, blah, blah.
In Salt Lake City, Ted piles up the body count, but the sling is gone. All he needs is his charm and his unassuming intelligence. He goes for the "I'm new in town" routine and the "I'm just a poor student" routine and it works on the girls. He zeroes in on Katie (Terry Farrell) when he observes her playing football with her friends. This one he has to chase, but she likes the fact that she finds him parked outside of her house in his VW. He calls Martha to get a report on what's new in Seattle, unsettled a bit that Richard is now writing stories on the case, but hanging up with a broad smile to know they have no clues leading to him.
It's Halloween and Katie is dressed in the flimsiest of little togas. Very drunk, she goes to get cigarettes. Her friend warns her that "Romeo," as they call stalking Ted, "might be out there," but she's not afraid. She should be, because he nabs her. He then puts in a call to Cas, giving her hope again, before having dinner with her parents. They fawn over him like everyone else. Katie's parents go to the police when she isn't found, but they are too busy to pay attention to one girl, not seeing any pattern in Ted's new hunting ground.
A week later, sporting a mustache, he pretends to be a cop, stopping a woman named Susan (Emily Longstreth) at a mall to tell her he's seen a man breaking into her car. The vehicle is perfectly fine, and he invents an elaborate ruse to get her into his car, flashing a fake police badge to make her feel comfortable. She doesn't question why she can't drive her car or why he's driving an increasingly beat up VW. She actually manages to escape and goes to the police for real. As always after an incident, he calls Cas, telling her "sometimes I feel like you're the only one who keeps me from falling into a black pit," which of course thrills her, but also speaks to his increasing desperation. Having fooled her again, he's all smiles and can comfortably listen to news reports of his various crimes.
The scene where Katie's parents identify her remains is positively heartbreaking, television heart-tugging at its best.
But it's followed by another Cas scene where she refuses to admit she feels the truth. Her friend once again tries to force her to open up, noting that the killings in Seattle have stopped and started in Salt Lake City. "Every time I talk to him, he's so wonderful. His letters are so wonderful. He even sends little poems sometimes," she agonizes.
Almost as a joke, the Seattle cops suggest "maybe he took his act on the road" and decide to check missing persons in all states. "We would need a computer," Davies notes. It's just then that Cas shows up at the station to discuss Ted. Her prattle annoys the desk cop, who chooses not to take her story any more seriously than the "thousands" he tells her he's received. Her story goes into the pile with the rest, right under the noses of the detectives.
Cas and her daughter go to Salt Lake City for Christmas where they decorate a tree, sing carols with her family and do everything but watch the Osmonds. It's purposely saccharine, though with a few hints of Ted craziness, such as when the kid says, "someday he's going to be my dad," and he retorts coldly, "yeah, when I'm rich." He tells Cas in bed he wants a son and a boat for a their summer home, dreaming again of riches while Cas just wants kids. He's not really listening to her. "I've never been happier," she tells him.
As soon as he watches Cas' plane take off, he goes out on the prowl at a ski lodge. In a bold move, he snatches a woman in the lodge and carries her dead body out into the snow. The woman's boyfriend calls the police and Aspen Detective Mike Fisher (Ben Masters) is sent to investigate.
Ted calls Richard to say he's homesick, but Richard defends him to his boss as a "bright upwardly-mobile young man who did one shady thing," spying on a candidate in a local election. Still no warning bells.
Detective Fisher finds the missing woman buried in the snow once it starts to melt. "Coyotes and magpies got to [the body]," he reports to her boyfriend, who had wanted to see the body. Detectives Davies and Keppel are still obsessed, still in need of a computer, but "the brass" won't spring for it. The latter two are joined by their wives for a game night, but a body discovery brings Keppel to another of Ted's graveyards. "This wasn't the way I hoped to find her," he says, holding a skull in his hand. That would be our cue for the first portion of the miniseries to end.
The second part opens with a search of the area, the knee-to-knee kind that turns up many a grisly discovery. When done, he says, "I don't think anything could still be up there, not even the skeleton of a mouse." It's finally time for Keppel to confirm that they are looking for one killer. This means the department gets its computer and the police form a "Ted Squad." The computer, the size of a parking garage, but it will help them keep information together. "When you are feeling tired and overworked, and you will, remember..." and he lists the names of the missing girls.
Detective Fisher decides to get together all the various Utah and Colorado police departments, still not connecting with Seattle, but drawing close. Again, we have to watch the detectives play catch-up, but now the plot is moving a lot faster, so it's less of a trial to get through. Keppel is the one who comes up with the term "deliberate stranger," saying that is the key to all of this. The only thing every girl has in common is that she most likely did not know the killer; he chose them at random.
Sitting outside a house in his car one night, a cop sees Ted, who floors it to avoid him, but he can't outrun him. Ted is arrest for evading arrest (and when the cop looks in his car, he sees rope, blankets and even handcuffs). The Salt Lake City police call Seattle...at the very moment that Ted's name and picture have come up on their computer screen. Now, if you think this is all a bit too convenient, the dialogue takes care of that when Keppel tells Salt Lake City, "you're not going to believe this..." but my detective skills went a bit deeper to wonder why all of the Seattle police force happened to be working very late that night (okay, Seattle is an hour behind Salt Lake City, but STILL!).
Salt Lake City's Detective Thompson (Frederick Coffin) has spoken to Detective Fisher in Aspen and now Detective Keppel in Seattle and finally they realize this is the moment to work together, that they have to have the right guy. The problem is that Ted Bundy is about to post bail because they can't hold him on anything serious. Thompson says they found a ski lodge receipt and Fisher says he can get a court order for Ted's credit card bills, snapping to Thompson, "can I get a court order, does Goldilocks eat porridge?" These two pieces of evidence put Ted at the ski lodge when the woman was killed.
Thompson himself does the stakeout of Ted's house, watching him "cleaning up the evidence" as he washes the VW inside out. They can't get a court order due to lack of evidence and he knows they are watching, taunting them with a smile as he scrubs the car of all evidence. Even more brazenly, Ted stops Thompson and tells him, he's "grasping at straws, but if you find enough straws, maybe you can put the broom together." That's a damn good line, and yet more proof of Ted's overwhelming arrogance.
Thompson and Fisher show up at Ted's house to give him a warrant demanding he be in a line-up. They have brought in Susan, the woman who escaped from the shopping mall disaster, but since Ted does not have his mustache and has combed his hair differently, she has trouble. That's just building of tension, because she ultimately does identify him.
Ken and Richard run into each other on the street where Ken tells Richard Ted has been arrested in Salt Lake City. "The Ted I knew couldn't do something like that. He stayed at our house, he babysat our little girls," Ken says in deep confusion. Cas' parents call her to reassure her "it's just a mistake...these things happen a lot...we know Ted, he's a fine man." At the paper, Richard, not convinced his friend could be the killer, is ordered to go to Salt Lake City and talk to Ted.
In prison, Ted says, "the bloody press is making me into some kind of serial killer!" "It infuriates me, sensational journalism," Richard replies, promising to help Ted in any way, turning to mush at Ted's smile, rattling off his wonderful qualities ("looks, brains, wit, charm") and again with the "you could be my son" routine. But there is something very cold about Ted's conversation with Richard, especially when he says he trusts the legal system because he's worked in it as a law student and they have no proof.
Ted's friends line up behind him. His old coworkers raise money for his defense, Ken Wolverton publicly states it couldn't be Ted and even his mother chimes in, "he was always such a good boy," just like the mother of every serial killer. Richard is determined to prove Ted innocent. He and Keppel are pals and working the case from different angles; Richard wants to free him, Keppel to nail him.
Inevitably, the past has to be dredged up. Apparently, Ted was an illegitimate baby and passed off as his mother's brother rather than her son. "How do you think this kid feels?" soft Richard asks. "My heart bleeds," Keppel replies acidly, knowing that sort of defense is hogwash.
Eventually, Keppel gets around to interviewing Cas. He still writes and calls from prison. She finally admits the scary sexual act referral to earlier. Apparently, he tied her up and was "in a trance" that her screaming finally penetrated. "I think I've just been another victim, only I'm not dead. Not quite," she tells a female detective. Oh, please, Cas! Anyway, the main point of her scene is that she cannot provide an alibi for any of the times girls went missing.
Richard interviews Ted's mother hoping to get an alibi out of her, but she's no help. Ted is out on bail and dining with Richard, telling him how wonderful freedom feels and, oddly, that being in prison has taught him how tough he is. While they are eating, a cute blonde girl comes over to wish him luck. "I seemed to achieve some sort of folklore status among the kids...you man victimized," he says with excitement. Ted feels that Susan was pushed to identify him and not a worry.
The trial for the attempted kidnapping of Susan begins in 1976. When asked why he tried to escape arrest. His reply is that he smoked two joints and was "paranoid...I can't describe to you the feeling." He goes through this speech with such easygoing conviction. Where was he when Susan was abducted? At the movies. Does he have handcuffs? Sure, "I was a nightwatchman," he admits, coming up with a phony story about having to hold a suspect.
By this point, even Richard can't deny the truth. Talking with Thompson and Fisher, he says, "I used to like him. I don't hate him." "I hate him," Thompson cracks. Fisher tells Richard, off the record, that they have hairs from two of the girls from his car.
Ted is found guilty of the attempted kidnapping. Ted still manages to remain cocky! He summons Fisher and Thompson. "You want to talk about me? Great, my favorite subject," Ted starts off, but Fisher knows that he has been called by Ted to give him information somehow, but Fisher is too smart. Even from prison, he's working his psychological tricks on Cas. Under psych evaluation for 90 days, he writes to her to blame her for making him seem crazy for lack of communication. "I forgive you, can't you forgive me? I'm not Bluebeard. I'm not Leopold and Loeb rolled into one...don't sever my lifeline, please!" he writes. Cas crumples up the letter.
He also thinks he can "control" the evaluating doctor, though he supposedly knows the tricks, having been a psych major. They go back to childhood, but Ted knows how to sugar coat everything. In fact, he enlightens Richard on sociopaths and psychopaths, able to rattle off the definitions, much to Richard's horror. Richard writes a bizarre article about how the legal system is being ruined by the press because an unbiased jury can't be found. "Even an Eskimo has a television set in his igloo," he types. It's a standard argument used by the defense, but Richard has trouble writing it, because he's not really believing it so much anymore.
It's only at sentencing ("1 to 15 years") that Ted's facade shows signs of cracking. His statement to the judge is awfully defensive, bashing the psych evaluation because, let's face it, he can't stand to hear anything bad about him. Richard thinks Ted truly has no guilt. "It's the most twisted mind I've ever seen. He can rationalize everything. You know, I think he believes himself to be some kind of a martyr," Thompson adds. Fisher realizes that they need to attack the cracking Ted they saw in the courtroom, not the cocky calm one they always interview.
In 1977, Fisher has enough evidence about the killing of the woman at the lodge for a Colorado murder trial, where Ted intends to be his own lawyer, calling the evidence "circumstantial," and that "it's so good to have things back in my hands again...just think, I get to be a real lawyer after all" in a letter. Fisher and Keppel want to pull out all the stops to make sure Ted is convicted. If that can happen, "it will be the single most important thing I've done in my life," Keppel says, though he and Fisher can't get Richard to fully admit he's changed his mind about Ted. Richard is able to play both sides, visiting Ted in prison and listening to his glowing tirades, actually noting, "you seem happy" because he's in charge of his defense.
Ted calls Cas, who won't answer the phone, but Martha does! In fact, she's moving to Aspen to be nearer to him. He's only using her for money.
Visiting the court, Ted is able to escape so easily it's almost comical. He steals a car, so proud of his good fortune. This is the kind of true crime detail that makes for an exciting scene in a movie. The second half of "The Deliberate Stranger" is so tight and perfectly written that everything has a heightened sense of alarm. By the end of the evening, he's been caught. Richard tries to convince him to give up his own defense because "you have a whole new set of problems now," but Ted only replies by asking where a "person is most likely to get the death penalty?" "Georgia, maybe Florida," Richard replies innocently.
But, Ted is desperate. He plans a big prison escape.
Katie's friend identifies Ted as the man who followed Katie and reminds them that she gave a statement. Fisher and Thompson go to the local police office, to be told all of the evidence, including hair samples and such, are "lost." "I think one of our boys must have thrown it out by accident when we were moving," the petulant sheriff tells them.
On December 30, 1977, Ted escapes from prison, with sublime ease. Everyone involved in the case is given protection, and Ted heads to the train station, boldly walking through it with a smile and no cares in the world. He gets to Florida without anyone noticing, amazed at his good fortune. Fisher and Keppel are horrified and Fisher is worried that Ted is ready to explode. "One murder is not going to do it for him," he tells Keppel. Indeed, Ted cruises around campuses and clubs looking for potential victims.
Fisher is right, as Ted goes into a sorority house and kills a bunch of women by beating them to death, and apparently sexually assaulting them. When news leaks out, Thompson, Keppel, Fisher and Richard all warn Florida that Ted is there. Driving a VW, Ted is stopped by the police and tries to escape by beating the officer, but the latter wins out. "I wish you'd kill me," Ted tells him.
In custody in Florida, Ted talks a lot, which worries the guys who have been working him for so long. Our gang from the west arrives and are stonewalled by the locals. At dinner, Richard opines that Ted actually wanted to be caught and executed, which is why he chose Florida. That makes sense with his strange line to the policeman who arrested him.
At his trial, he tells the judge, "I find it absurd to ask for mercy for something I did not do." He's as delusional as every other serial killer, but he maintained a different demeanor better and longer than all of the rest. That's what made him so fascinating.
Sentenced to die in the electric chair, he calls Cas and apologizes for his tantrum all of those years ago when she and her daughter wanted to go out for dinner. He still just doesn't get it.
The movie ends with Ted having appealed his conviction to the Supreme Court, but as we know, all appeals led nowhere and Bundy was executed in 1989.
Unlike another mass murdered discussed here, Charles Manson in "Helter Skelter," Bundy was not a comically larger-than-life character. In fact, it was his calm self-assurance that made him so frightening. So, Mark Harmon doesn't get to play crazy too much, having to rely on more difficult character traits to give the performance of his career. Like "Helter Skelter," the focus is really on the effort it took to stop Ted Bundy, which can get tiresome, but the magnitude of his crimes and his personality are the stuff of great television.
Though the first half of the movie drags, the second half is so tense it acts like a sleek horror or mystery movie. Bundy's case is so utterly fascinating because Bundy was so unique, so full of sophisticated charm that he fooled people for so long, and even when caught, maintained a superiority complex that baffled everyone who came into contact with him. This gives Mark Harmon a lot to play with, leading an excellent cast of detectives and reporters on a nightmare ride.
The prologue starts us in the tradition of classic thrillers: a young woman is walking alone, then followed without realizing it. Her steps remain slow, but the man's get faster and faster until...he's grabbed her.
Just so we're clear, the miniseries is based on the book by reporter Richard Larsen, spanning the years 1974-1979 and it's not a celebration of Bundy, but rather of the men who chased and prosecuted him. This is actually stated, lest we dare make a hero out of Bundy. No, no. That kind of film would have to wait another 20 years or so.
When first encountered, Ted Bundy couldn't be more charming. Mark Harmon in his prime was a total hunk, an ideal choice to play the handsome and suave Bundy. He's about to go to law school full time in Utah and has a lovely girlfriend Cas (Glynnis O'Connor). At a party, he meets Richard Larsen (George Grizzard). They and the hosts trade witty banter as everyone tries to get Ted to stay in Seattle and continue his life there. "Sometimes the sight of Ted makes me a little wistful," Richard says, envying Ted's youth and possibilities.
Cas is worried because Ted might meet other women, and he can always win an argument with her, with his "psych major" mind, not to mention her raging insecurities. Then again, if you are going to argue with a handsome man in just a towel while he's shaving, you better have a damn good arsenal behind you.
Meanwhile, in this July of 1974, the police are trying to tie together a string of murders up and down the coast. "Some kind of nut is walking around with an alarm clock of madness in his head just ticking away," says Detective Sam Davies (M. Emmet Walsh). The movie cuts between the detectives rattling off all of the recent missing women and Ted smiling as he drives to make his latest kill. He spots a woman sunbathing alone and moves in, with a classic Bundy maneuver. Sporting a dazzling smile and a fake cast and sling, he asks her for help getting his sailboat from the car. "Flattery and a broken arm will get you just about..." she says, adding "anywhere" at the precise second he says it too, another occasion for that smile. They go to his car, where of course there is no sailboat. She notices it, wisely enough, but he says he has to get it from his parents' house, which scares her off. She mentions she has a husband and has to go back to wait for him. But, Ted isn't without another female for long. Last we see of her, she agrees to help and Ted returns to the park afterwards to make a second kill!
He's supposed to meet Cas and her daughter afterward, and he's awfully snappish when he does. Obviously not happy with the two women he's murdered, he is downright mean to Cas, who just wants to know if they are going out to dinner as planned. "Maybe," he says. "That's what I like about women," he adds sarcastically, "maybe means a lifelong promise."
Later that night, the second girl he abducted, from the bathroom, is still missing, and her friends are concerned. One has to even tell her mother, who breaks down hysterically with the knowledge only a mother could have that something is definitely wrong.
At another party with Richard present, Ted brings his two co-workers, one of whom, Martha (Deborah Goodrich) has just started that day. It's a Republican fundraiser, which shocks Martha. "You're just kind of like a JFK, so I just figured you were a Democrat," she chirps. He impresses her by saying he grew up wealthy and loves caviar, on top of keeping everyone important liking him. "What I wouldn't give to have his future," Richard says, to which Ken Wolverton (Lawrence Pressman) replies, "we'll always say 'we knew him when.'" Yeah, okay, we get it. After nearly 30 minutes, we get that Ted Bundy is sweet and lovable, attractive in so many ways to everyone he meets. Another fundraiser full of groaner lines like these and...well, I won't finish that sentence..
The woman who escaped Ted's clutches in the park sees a news report about one of the missing girls, whom she had seen go off with Ted. She remembers Ted's name and the color of the VW. This is a big break for the Detectives, including Bob Keppel (Frederic Forrest) and Robert Dunn (John Ashton). They have two more girls who have been lucky enough to escape from Ted and so many of the details are the same.
Cas reads about this in the newspaper and finds all of the products needed to make a fake cast, and as she's putting together the pieces, Ted calls. She rattles off another conversation full of her problems and he quiets her down, but when she hangs up, she calls the police and reports what she knows, but hangs up before giving too much information. I know that may sound corny, but "The Deliberate Stranger" aims to present the story in less of a documentary fashion and more as a thriller. That's exactly the kind of suspenseful moment that would be tucked into a thriller.
"Well, fellas, this Ted is leaving town," a cocky Bundy says to the television when he chuckles over news of the investigation. He then goes to say goodbye to Richard before leaving. Of course Richard is now becoming interested in the story of all the missing girls, so the timing is perfect. He also has to leave Cas, who won't let him sleep. First, she babbles about her family in Salt Lake City that "might try to convert you" to being a Mormon and then it's "is it because I didn't like it that time you wanted to..." before he kisses her to shut her up. Another tantalizing clue, especially because we find out that Cas and Ted don't have sex. He has very strong views on that subject, we find out. "Sex without love, all that naked grappling to me has all the appeal of watching Washington play San Jose in the cold rain of Husky Stadium," he notes as he assures Cas that he loves her. This finally quiets her, but now Ted is bug-eyed and alert.
Another stop before leaving his to his home, where he spends two seconds with his mother (Bonnie Bartlett). She seems like an okay enough lady, but clearly Ted has issues with her, though he hides them during the quick conversation and peck goodbye.
Off to Salt Lake City. His brother drove him there and Ted promises to return to Seattle soon for his car. "Wouldn't know what to do without my VW," he laughs. It's then that the police are discovering more corpses. Mrs. Rose (Rita Zohar), the hysterical mother from earlier, is determined to find out what happened to her daughter and follows the police to the scene of the body dump. They send her home, but soon the detectives are at her house asking for a piece of her hair. It turns out to be a match for Mrs. Rose's daughter. who knows what the police have to say before they can even knock on her door. The detectives, especially Keppel become obsessed with the case (to the point where his wife nags him for not paying her and their baby enough attention).
And the last point is an issue. The allure of the Ted Bundy case was Ted himself, so unbelievably clean-scrubbed and handsome, not what the world knew of serial killers, who had always tended to be social outcasts. Obviously a miniseries of Bundy killings one after another would not be possible (not to mention tedious and tasteless), but focusing on the detectives is just plain boring. Of course watching them put the pieces together as Ted keeps steps ahead of them is fun. It always is in these types of stories, but since the audience knows everything before the cops, this method of presentation cuts down on the suspense. If, perhaps, Ted were shown doing everything but killing, and the audience found the clues along with the detectives, the movie might not lose its spark so often. It has plenty of spark and thrill, but it also drags at times like these.
However, the detectives and their case are a whole lot more exciting than Cas. Every time she's on, it means another whiny breakdown. Yes, of course, she tells a co-worker, she's wondered if her Ted who drives a VW is the killer Ted who drives a VW, but she's so low on self-esteem that she's afraid to lose Ted's validating love. Blah, blah, blah.
In Salt Lake City, Ted piles up the body count, but the sling is gone. All he needs is his charm and his unassuming intelligence. He goes for the "I'm new in town" routine and the "I'm just a poor student" routine and it works on the girls. He zeroes in on Katie (Terry Farrell) when he observes her playing football with her friends. This one he has to chase, but she likes the fact that she finds him parked outside of her house in his VW. He calls Martha to get a report on what's new in Seattle, unsettled a bit that Richard is now writing stories on the case, but hanging up with a broad smile to know they have no clues leading to him.
It's Halloween and Katie is dressed in the flimsiest of little togas. Very drunk, she goes to get cigarettes. Her friend warns her that "Romeo," as they call stalking Ted, "might be out there," but she's not afraid. She should be, because he nabs her. He then puts in a call to Cas, giving her hope again, before having dinner with her parents. They fawn over him like everyone else. Katie's parents go to the police when she isn't found, but they are too busy to pay attention to one girl, not seeing any pattern in Ted's new hunting ground.
A week later, sporting a mustache, he pretends to be a cop, stopping a woman named Susan (Emily Longstreth) at a mall to tell her he's seen a man breaking into her car. The vehicle is perfectly fine, and he invents an elaborate ruse to get her into his car, flashing a fake police badge to make her feel comfortable. She doesn't question why she can't drive her car or why he's driving an increasingly beat up VW. She actually manages to escape and goes to the police for real. As always after an incident, he calls Cas, telling her "sometimes I feel like you're the only one who keeps me from falling into a black pit," which of course thrills her, but also speaks to his increasing desperation. Having fooled her again, he's all smiles and can comfortably listen to news reports of his various crimes.
The scene where Katie's parents identify her remains is positively heartbreaking, television heart-tugging at its best.
But it's followed by another Cas scene where she refuses to admit she feels the truth. Her friend once again tries to force her to open up, noting that the killings in Seattle have stopped and started in Salt Lake City. "Every time I talk to him, he's so wonderful. His letters are so wonderful. He even sends little poems sometimes," she agonizes.
Almost as a joke, the Seattle cops suggest "maybe he took his act on the road" and decide to check missing persons in all states. "We would need a computer," Davies notes. It's just then that Cas shows up at the station to discuss Ted. Her prattle annoys the desk cop, who chooses not to take her story any more seriously than the "thousands" he tells her he's received. Her story goes into the pile with the rest, right under the noses of the detectives.
Cas and her daughter go to Salt Lake City for Christmas where they decorate a tree, sing carols with her family and do everything but watch the Osmonds. It's purposely saccharine, though with a few hints of Ted craziness, such as when the kid says, "someday he's going to be my dad," and he retorts coldly, "yeah, when I'm rich." He tells Cas in bed he wants a son and a boat for a their summer home, dreaming again of riches while Cas just wants kids. He's not really listening to her. "I've never been happier," she tells him.
As soon as he watches Cas' plane take off, he goes out on the prowl at a ski lodge. In a bold move, he snatches a woman in the lodge and carries her dead body out into the snow. The woman's boyfriend calls the police and Aspen Detective Mike Fisher (Ben Masters) is sent to investigate.
Ted calls Richard to say he's homesick, but Richard defends him to his boss as a "bright upwardly-mobile young man who did one shady thing," spying on a candidate in a local election. Still no warning bells.
Detective Fisher finds the missing woman buried in the snow once it starts to melt. "Coyotes and magpies got to [the body]," he reports to her boyfriend, who had wanted to see the body. Detectives Davies and Keppel are still obsessed, still in need of a computer, but "the brass" won't spring for it. The latter two are joined by their wives for a game night, but a body discovery brings Keppel to another of Ted's graveyards. "This wasn't the way I hoped to find her," he says, holding a skull in his hand. That would be our cue for the first portion of the miniseries to end.
The second part opens with a search of the area, the knee-to-knee kind that turns up many a grisly discovery. When done, he says, "I don't think anything could still be up there, not even the skeleton of a mouse." It's finally time for Keppel to confirm that they are looking for one killer. This means the department gets its computer and the police form a "Ted Squad." The computer, the size of a parking garage, but it will help them keep information together. "When you are feeling tired and overworked, and you will, remember..." and he lists the names of the missing girls.
Detective Fisher decides to get together all the various Utah and Colorado police departments, still not connecting with Seattle, but drawing close. Again, we have to watch the detectives play catch-up, but now the plot is moving a lot faster, so it's less of a trial to get through. Keppel is the one who comes up with the term "deliberate stranger," saying that is the key to all of this. The only thing every girl has in common is that she most likely did not know the killer; he chose them at random.
Sitting outside a house in his car one night, a cop sees Ted, who floors it to avoid him, but he can't outrun him. Ted is arrest for evading arrest (and when the cop looks in his car, he sees rope, blankets and even handcuffs). The Salt Lake City police call Seattle...at the very moment that Ted's name and picture have come up on their computer screen. Now, if you think this is all a bit too convenient, the dialogue takes care of that when Keppel tells Salt Lake City, "you're not going to believe this..." but my detective skills went a bit deeper to wonder why all of the Seattle police force happened to be working very late that night (okay, Seattle is an hour behind Salt Lake City, but STILL!).
Salt Lake City's Detective Thompson (Frederick Coffin) has spoken to Detective Fisher in Aspen and now Detective Keppel in Seattle and finally they realize this is the moment to work together, that they have to have the right guy. The problem is that Ted Bundy is about to post bail because they can't hold him on anything serious. Thompson says they found a ski lodge receipt and Fisher says he can get a court order for Ted's credit card bills, snapping to Thompson, "can I get a court order, does Goldilocks eat porridge?" These two pieces of evidence put Ted at the ski lodge when the woman was killed.
Thompson himself does the stakeout of Ted's house, watching him "cleaning up the evidence" as he washes the VW inside out. They can't get a court order due to lack of evidence and he knows they are watching, taunting them with a smile as he scrubs the car of all evidence. Even more brazenly, Ted stops Thompson and tells him, he's "grasping at straws, but if you find enough straws, maybe you can put the broom together." That's a damn good line, and yet more proof of Ted's overwhelming arrogance.
Thompson and Fisher show up at Ted's house to give him a warrant demanding he be in a line-up. They have brought in Susan, the woman who escaped from the shopping mall disaster, but since Ted does not have his mustache and has combed his hair differently, she has trouble. That's just building of tension, because she ultimately does identify him.
Ken and Richard run into each other on the street where Ken tells Richard Ted has been arrested in Salt Lake City. "The Ted I knew couldn't do something like that. He stayed at our house, he babysat our little girls," Ken says in deep confusion. Cas' parents call her to reassure her "it's just a mistake...these things happen a lot...we know Ted, he's a fine man." At the paper, Richard, not convinced his friend could be the killer, is ordered to go to Salt Lake City and talk to Ted.
In prison, Ted says, "the bloody press is making me into some kind of serial killer!" "It infuriates me, sensational journalism," Richard replies, promising to help Ted in any way, turning to mush at Ted's smile, rattling off his wonderful qualities ("looks, brains, wit, charm") and again with the "you could be my son" routine. But there is something very cold about Ted's conversation with Richard, especially when he says he trusts the legal system because he's worked in it as a law student and they have no proof.
Ted's friends line up behind him. His old coworkers raise money for his defense, Ken Wolverton publicly states it couldn't be Ted and even his mother chimes in, "he was always such a good boy," just like the mother of every serial killer. Richard is determined to prove Ted innocent. He and Keppel are pals and working the case from different angles; Richard wants to free him, Keppel to nail him.
Inevitably, the past has to be dredged up. Apparently, Ted was an illegitimate baby and passed off as his mother's brother rather than her son. "How do you think this kid feels?" soft Richard asks. "My heart bleeds," Keppel replies acidly, knowing that sort of defense is hogwash.
Eventually, Keppel gets around to interviewing Cas. He still writes and calls from prison. She finally admits the scary sexual act referral to earlier. Apparently, he tied her up and was "in a trance" that her screaming finally penetrated. "I think I've just been another victim, only I'm not dead. Not quite," she tells a female detective. Oh, please, Cas! Anyway, the main point of her scene is that she cannot provide an alibi for any of the times girls went missing.
Richard interviews Ted's mother hoping to get an alibi out of her, but she's no help. Ted is out on bail and dining with Richard, telling him how wonderful freedom feels and, oddly, that being in prison has taught him how tough he is. While they are eating, a cute blonde girl comes over to wish him luck. "I seemed to achieve some sort of folklore status among the kids...you man victimized," he says with excitement. Ted feels that Susan was pushed to identify him and not a worry.
The trial for the attempted kidnapping of Susan begins in 1976. When asked why he tried to escape arrest. His reply is that he smoked two joints and was "paranoid...I can't describe to you the feeling." He goes through this speech with such easygoing conviction. Where was he when Susan was abducted? At the movies. Does he have handcuffs? Sure, "I was a nightwatchman," he admits, coming up with a phony story about having to hold a suspect.
By this point, even Richard can't deny the truth. Talking with Thompson and Fisher, he says, "I used to like him. I don't hate him." "I hate him," Thompson cracks. Fisher tells Richard, off the record, that they have hairs from two of the girls from his car.
Ted is found guilty of the attempted kidnapping. Ted still manages to remain cocky! He summons Fisher and Thompson. "You want to talk about me? Great, my favorite subject," Ted starts off, but Fisher knows that he has been called by Ted to give him information somehow, but Fisher is too smart. Even from prison, he's working his psychological tricks on Cas. Under psych evaluation for 90 days, he writes to her to blame her for making him seem crazy for lack of communication. "I forgive you, can't you forgive me? I'm not Bluebeard. I'm not Leopold and Loeb rolled into one...don't sever my lifeline, please!" he writes. Cas crumples up the letter.
He also thinks he can "control" the evaluating doctor, though he supposedly knows the tricks, having been a psych major. They go back to childhood, but Ted knows how to sugar coat everything. In fact, he enlightens Richard on sociopaths and psychopaths, able to rattle off the definitions, much to Richard's horror. Richard writes a bizarre article about how the legal system is being ruined by the press because an unbiased jury can't be found. "Even an Eskimo has a television set in his igloo," he types. It's a standard argument used by the defense, but Richard has trouble writing it, because he's not really believing it so much anymore.
It's only at sentencing ("1 to 15 years") that Ted's facade shows signs of cracking. His statement to the judge is awfully defensive, bashing the psych evaluation because, let's face it, he can't stand to hear anything bad about him. Richard thinks Ted truly has no guilt. "It's the most twisted mind I've ever seen. He can rationalize everything. You know, I think he believes himself to be some kind of a martyr," Thompson adds. Fisher realizes that they need to attack the cracking Ted they saw in the courtroom, not the cocky calm one they always interview.
In 1977, Fisher has enough evidence about the killing of the woman at the lodge for a Colorado murder trial, where Ted intends to be his own lawyer, calling the evidence "circumstantial," and that "it's so good to have things back in my hands again...just think, I get to be a real lawyer after all" in a letter. Fisher and Keppel want to pull out all the stops to make sure Ted is convicted. If that can happen, "it will be the single most important thing I've done in my life," Keppel says, though he and Fisher can't get Richard to fully admit he's changed his mind about Ted. Richard is able to play both sides, visiting Ted in prison and listening to his glowing tirades, actually noting, "you seem happy" because he's in charge of his defense.
Ted calls Cas, who won't answer the phone, but Martha does! In fact, she's moving to Aspen to be nearer to him. He's only using her for money.
Visiting the court, Ted is able to escape so easily it's almost comical. He steals a car, so proud of his good fortune. This is the kind of true crime detail that makes for an exciting scene in a movie. The second half of "The Deliberate Stranger" is so tight and perfectly written that everything has a heightened sense of alarm. By the end of the evening, he's been caught. Richard tries to convince him to give up his own defense because "you have a whole new set of problems now," but Ted only replies by asking where a "person is most likely to get the death penalty?" "Georgia, maybe Florida," Richard replies innocently.
But, Ted is desperate. He plans a big prison escape.
Katie's friend identifies Ted as the man who followed Katie and reminds them that she gave a statement. Fisher and Thompson go to the local police office, to be told all of the evidence, including hair samples and such, are "lost." "I think one of our boys must have thrown it out by accident when we were moving," the petulant sheriff tells them.
On December 30, 1977, Ted escapes from prison, with sublime ease. Everyone involved in the case is given protection, and Ted heads to the train station, boldly walking through it with a smile and no cares in the world. He gets to Florida without anyone noticing, amazed at his good fortune. Fisher and Keppel are horrified and Fisher is worried that Ted is ready to explode. "One murder is not going to do it for him," he tells Keppel. Indeed, Ted cruises around campuses and clubs looking for potential victims.
Fisher is right, as Ted goes into a sorority house and kills a bunch of women by beating them to death, and apparently sexually assaulting them. When news leaks out, Thompson, Keppel, Fisher and Richard all warn Florida that Ted is there. Driving a VW, Ted is stopped by the police and tries to escape by beating the officer, but the latter wins out. "I wish you'd kill me," Ted tells him.
In custody in Florida, Ted talks a lot, which worries the guys who have been working him for so long. Our gang from the west arrives and are stonewalled by the locals. At dinner, Richard opines that Ted actually wanted to be caught and executed, which is why he chose Florida. That makes sense with his strange line to the policeman who arrested him.
At his trial, he tells the judge, "I find it absurd to ask for mercy for something I did not do." He's as delusional as every other serial killer, but he maintained a different demeanor better and longer than all of the rest. That's what made him so fascinating.
Sentenced to die in the electric chair, he calls Cas and apologizes for his tantrum all of those years ago when she and her daughter wanted to go out for dinner. He still just doesn't get it.
The movie ends with Ted having appealed his conviction to the Supreme Court, but as we know, all appeals led nowhere and Bundy was executed in 1989.
Unlike another mass murdered discussed here, Charles Manson in "Helter Skelter," Bundy was not a comically larger-than-life character. In fact, it was his calm self-assurance that made him so frightening. So, Mark Harmon doesn't get to play crazy too much, having to rely on more difficult character traits to give the performance of his career. Like "Helter Skelter," the focus is really on the effort it took to stop Ted Bundy, which can get tiresome, but the magnitude of his crimes and his personality are the stuff of great television.
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